Porkum Conquers The World

They were calling it G-Day.

News agencies could talk of nothing else. Formerly male heads of state accused each other, postured, and, perhaps surprisingly, began to hoard feminine hygiene products. Legislation for women's health was introduced in various congresses and parliaments. Some prominent men's rights activists committed suicide. The Pope was preparing a special bull to cover the sudden religious crisis of an all-female clergy; rumor had it that centuries of sexist dogma were about to receive a review.

The Vision, Viv Vision, Machine Man, Jacosta, and Andy the Awesome Android sat in the Vision's living room. The androids and gynoids were not participating in the general panic.

"I suppose we should help," Jacosta said, at last.

"My robot brain demands beer," Machine Man said, dryly.

"Dude, it's just us," Viv said.

"It's part of my coolant system!" Machine Man said, defensively.

NO, IT IS NOT. Andy wrote on his slate.

"My concern," the Vision said. "Is not so much what has happened, but what is going to happen next. We are presuming this is an isolated event. What if this is not the villain's ultimate goal, but a prelude to their true goal?"

"But why would anyone turn all the biological males in the world into biological females?" Jacosta said. "Perhaps Superia? She has long desired a feminist utopia."

"Too smart," Machine Man said. "She would have kept it strictly to homo sapiens. The ecological implications of this change suggest someone with a much more basic understanding of how things work."

"Maybe they want to get laid?" Viv said. "That creepy dude, the Mandrill, is basically a walking **** machine."

"He does not have the resources to accomplish something like this," the Vision told his daughter.

"Would he need to?" Jacosta added. "All he would need is access to the right women."

In the Baxter Building, the former Reed Richards, now Mrs. Fantastic, coordinated the building's sensors to trace the cosmic event. On the screens surrounding her in the lab were Iron Woman in Avengers Tower; the blue-furred and buxom Beast of the X-Men; the regal face of T'Challa, Queen of Wakanda, the Black Panther; the blonde with the pageboy cut that had been Hank Pym on the West Coast...the greatest scientific minds of the world, tracking the disaster.

"All plant and animal species that were identified as male and female are now strictly female," the Beast said, her voice a purr. "We're looking at massive die-offs unless we can come up with some alternative method of insemination."

"The reality shift is consistent with a Cosmic Cube," T'Challa said. "We could potentially find—or create—another such device, to reverse the change. Or the Infinity Gems."

"I'm more concerned about who did this," Pym pointed out. "They can't be that smart, or they wouldn't have made such an absurd wish without considering the consequences. But if they had access to a Cosmic Cube, they're incredibly dangerous."

Out in the living room of the Baxter Building, "Aunt Johnny" was consoling the former Franklin Richards over the sudden change. Fortunately, the kid was more confused than upset. It was the ex-Johnny Storm that was facing an existential crisis at the loss of their masculinity, the odd sensation of looking in the mirror and seeing a face reminiscent of her sister.

"Where's mommy?" Frankie asked.

"That's...a good question, kiddo," her aunt said. Johnny glanced at Ben, who had, with Alicia's help, managed to cobble together an unstable molecule bra to fit her new grand tetons. "We kind of lost track of her in the shuffle."

"It was called the Psycho-Prism," Sue Storm said. The cavernous space made her words echo. Janet van Dyne was powering up the long-unused systems. Lights flickered as Porkum strode across the catwalk to what looked like a giant, clear purple gem. "Doom built it to use the Purple Man's powers. Extended them to control the entire world. Many thought it was destroyed, but Doom had a back-up prepared. Reed discovered it years ago, but never had time to dismantle it."

The pig-man grunted. One hand wiped dust from the surface of the gem. His snout flared. Dark eyes glittered. With this, every pussy in this world of women was his. If it worked.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" he said. "Let's do it."