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HvEAnOl IMtIs, nOoe **** AnS Tp OMe,
JU StdON TtO u Chme, 'cA uS eImR eAL lYr eAl Ly
rEaLl yHOt

I'M MADE OF FIRE! I'M MADE OF FIRE...

I pressed play.
Insane Difficulty was what I chose. And insanity was what I got.

Circles of pulsating colors appeared. Left. Right. Everywhere. A vibrant firework display all over the screen.
The singer shrieked their lines. All their lines, at once. Through every synthesized filter that ever existed. This was no melodic serenade. More like radio noise, really. Any intelligible meaning died, was resurrected and died again through all that digital decay.
Just how I like it.

"EEEH!" The Bitch Witch leaped away to escape the frantic onslaught of my thumbs, "What is this!? Cut it out! Ooof! No! Not there! Ow!"
She got no warning before my fingers came crashing down, beyond the fast-enclosing rings briefly rippling on the screen, and the rhythm of this high-o-tecno euro funk.
But there was no escaping the Maid of Fire.
"Not there! Please! Auugghh...!"

That was true anarchy.

My eyes glued to the flashing kaleidoscope on the screen.
I didn't blink. I couldn't. My life-meter was in a constant one miss away from being depleted.
My thumbs danced, no, raced over my smartphone. From one point, to the next. And all the Bitch Witch could do was keep dodging before I tapped her in.
"Cease this at ONCE! OW!" I got her. Right in the boob.
"Listen, you little nasty malware." I said, without breaking my zone, "My phone, my rules. If you don't like it you can scram. I didn't ask you to stick around."
"AT LEAST PUT ON A SONG THAT'S ACTUALLY GOOOOOOOD! UAAAAHHH!"
She ran away from the oncoming giant beach ball barrelling towards her as I pulled it along the slide. She just about managed to dive out of the way before it could roll over her.

STAGE CLEARED!

Ah, the satisfaction. I only got a C, but it was worth it to see the Bitch Witch that jostled.
She laid in a panting heap on the floor, black hair sprawled like a rug all over.
"No... No more..."
"Oh, did you say more?"
"NO!"
"Oh, I'd love to show you more! Since you are going to stay here indefinitely, it's only right I get to show you all that my phone has to offer!"

I clicked up my next app; a free-to-play game that's been collecting dust in the corner of my phone. When I pressed the icon, a serendipitous landscape appeared on my phone, overlooking a monumental castle. The title of the game appeared at the top:
Knight of the Legendary Shadow: IQ Raid Puzzle Quest 3D.
I was sold on that game by an ad with some incredible gameplay footage. Made me think it was exactly my thing. But since then, I've spent 182 hours of gameplay on it. And let me tell you, I haven't anything but the same generic gameplay loop over and over.

A large tower appeared, full of creatures that clearly were supposed to be scary, but the cartoony style just made them look cute.
"This is the worst you've got? Hah! Can you believe this lady?" The Witch nudged the game's hero, an animu knight sprite. He didn't answer. He was stuck in the same fluid movement-for-the-sake-of-movement standing still animation, while flashing his regular tough but cute expression.

I pinned her with my index finger while she was distracted.
"Hey!" She yelled, flailing wildly as I dragged her up in the air and towards the obvious boss monster at the top of the tower.
I plopped her down before the gargantuan red ogre-skull thingy. Now, I don't know how many points she has. But it was almost certainly less than this guy.
"What the... OW!" The ogre smacked her with its giant spikey hammer, unleashing a guttural roar.
She crawled back into a corner before she could get struck a second time, now packed against the wall. But the monster stood in place, waving its giant hammer ineffectually in the air before it. The clash between weapons that didn't exist rang through the air.

For someone who just avoided being crushed into a pulp, the Bitch Witch looked disappointed.
"That's... That's terrible. Abysmal, even. Well, I suppose that it cannot get worse..."

But it did get much worse.
"Ehehe!"
"Aahhh!"
"OoooOooh!"
Gone was the monster-infested tower. The colorful anime aesthetics was but a faint memory. Now the Bitch Witch was suddenly chased down the dark, gritty and conspicuously wide streets by a small army of pre-rendered 3D sprites moving ahead at the bottom of the screen armed with machine guns they kept firing perpetually.
"EEEH!" The Bitch Witch lunged forward, passing by a lumbering disheveled bystander we're led to believe was a zombie. She grabbed him and tossed him into the firing range, whereupon he was swiftly torn to shreds by the bullets.
"Wh-what happened? What's going on? Y-you changed the game? All of a sudden?"
"Nah." I chuckled, "This isn't a game. Just an ad for one."
"Ad?"
"Yeah! An advertisement. I mean, I didn't pay for this game. The developers gotta make their money somehow."

She jumped over the bullets. The army walked into a green forcefield of some kind, turning into a bigger army that shot bigger bullets much faster.
"But... If games get their money from advertisement... And the advertisements come from game, then where does the money come from to begin with!?"
"That's a good question!" I shrugged, "Who knows? Maybe it's some kind of leprechaun at the end of a rainbow."
"...That's stupid. This is so stupid! Let me out of here this instance!"
I could tell the sheer idiocy bothered her more than the actual bullets.

"Sorry, hun. No can do. Once the ad starts, it won't let me skip. Or even quit the game for that matter!"
Then, she completely checked out, slumping down on the pavement. Knees tucked against her chest. Face buried in her hands. The whole deal.

"I hate this. I hate you. I hate your whole world."

The bullets from the army smattered across her, and she didn't even care. Of course, they didn't care about her either. Not really. They were too busy pelting down pre-rendered 3D zombies coming from the top of the screen. That is, until one of the zombies reached the bottom of the screen and instantly beelined towards the zombies, eating them all up one by one in the most discordant pair of animations imaginable while the screen dimmed as the text 'YOU LOSE' flashed on the screen in angry red letters.

At least that made her peak out from behind her knees, "That seemed... Avoidable. Very, very avoidable."
"Hey! It's not my fault these ads prey on peoples' intrinsic desire to try again but better!"
"...All right, that's it!" She rose to her feet, moving past the dim filter and the 'Try again?' option I was offered as if I had played the game in the trailer, and lost, "I'm going to destroy your world. Spare its inhabitants the plagues that have been inflicted upon them. Nothing will be lost. No one will miss it. I hate this. With all my hate."
"Or how about you just get out of my cellphone? No one's making you endure my apps, you know?"

She scratched her chin for a bit, actually pondering what I said, "No. That's out of the question. It's exactly what you want me to do. Just so you can turn the tables on this situation. Well, I'm not falling for it!"
Being the Bitchy Witch she was, she folded her arms before her prolific chest.
I sighed, "I was afraid you'd say that. Fine. I'll bring out the big guns."

I entered quick select and swiped the game up, exiling it to the dimension of apps-currently-not-open. I went to the main menu of my phone, but this time to open up the file explorer. This app, as it happens, is one I've developed myself.

I opened somwg.exe, and the title of the game flashed on:

SOCCER
ON MOTORCYCLES,
WITH GUNS!!!

The Bitch Witch shook her head, "I have not the slightest idea what that says..."
Oh, right. We don't actually speak the same language. When you keep yourself connected to the Nexus all the time you forget it's there.
"...But I'm not looking forward to this. At all."
"Geez..." I scoffed, "Everyone's a critic these days. How about you give it a shot before you start judging?" With that said, I pressed play.

A whistle rang out. The view shifted to a soccer field below, where bikers in helmets roared their vehicles in anticipation.
START!

And off they went.
Immediately some of the players veered off and collided with the fence outside the perimeter. They promptly exploded in huge fireballs.
"AEEEH!" The Bitch Witch ran around the venue in a feeble attempt to avoid the pandemonium. Some bikers went after the ball, but inevitably crashed into each other in a scorching blast. The remaining players started firing at each other while trailing circles. Some of them managed to pick off a couple from the opposing team. One of them shot the ball in the middle.
They all blew up in fiery explosions.

Finally the last player standing parked his bike. His engined revved. Smoke rose from the exhaust pipe. At last, the Witch could get some breathing room. She had dove to the ground, trembling like a leaf and whimpering, too scared to even look up.
Eventually, she gathered the courage to peak up from behind the brim of her hat.
Then, the last biker exploded too.
Due to engine failure.

"AEEEEEEH!"
And out she plopped. Prone, by my feet. And ragged breathing.
"Get that thing away from me!" She shrieked, any color left on her face long gone, "Now!"
"Are you sure? I've got so many more cool apps to show you. If you want."
While I laughed, however, unbeknownst to me, the dragon's cadaver rose up, ready to bite down at me at any moment.

Hang on, what does 'unbeknownst' mean? Let me look it up...
Oh. No, I didn't mean that.
It's the exact opposite!

I swiped my phone towards the dragon, cutting off its head with a blade of golden light shooting out of my cellphone.
"Really, now? You thought I wouldn't notice a lizard the size of a barn rising to its feet?" I peered over my shoulder. The Witch ran off in a mad sprint far faster than her voluptuous physique could reasonably allow, "Oh, no you don't!"
I flicked my phone. The ground beneath her feet distorted into a wall of pixels which drifted apart. She fell down the trapdoor with a shrill scream. Into the multiverse.
"Now, my Bitch Witch..." I approached the glowing pit with a smirk, "We're playing my game."