Good Intentions

The trip back home was a quiet one for John, though it felt anything but peaceful. With everything that had just happened, the only silver lining of the entire ordeal was that he no longer felt guilty for taking so long to set up the date.

"Kind of glad about it, actually. Might not have found out about the truth if we'd gone on the date a few days ago. Though, maybe it was inevitable that it would happen at some point. Tessa doesn't seem like she's going to let this one go, not any time soon, anyway."

John rubbed his cheek as he flew through Barrier after Barrier on his way back to the Brighton grounds. He was getting surprisingly good at using non-infused air to fly - even now, with his mind scattered and unable to focus on much of anything, he was only wobbling a little bit as he careened back toward the manor.

"I need to do something to get my mind off things. Maybe a little time playing with the kittens, some alchemy work, a little bit of house remodeling and loot sorting... yeah." John gave a confident nod of his head as he finally set down at the border of Brighton Manor so that he could move from his Barrier into the one they'd erected around the grounds.

"That'll keep my mind off things for sure."

"...This isn't keeping my mind off fucking anything."

John growled in frustration, tossing the flask that he was holding aside, shattering it against the wall and dumping its contents across the wood. The outburst didn't have any lasting consequences - a quick combination of Craft and his own inventory returned the shattered glass to a usable state and vacuumed up the loose fluid - but it gave him a way to release some of his irritation without killing something.

The afternoon had passed by as slowly as if he were back in his old life, watching the clock at Ashcroft Academy tick by one individual minute at a time. He made a genuine effort to lose himself in various projects, and to a degree, he'd even found some success. Playing with the kittens could cure him of almost anything ailing him these days, especially now that they were old enough to hold a coherent conversation - but two hours of that had left all of them either bored enough to run off on their own or tired enough to fall asleep on the spot.

John let a quiet groan out into his palms as he leaned into them, resting his body, but unable to **** his mind to cooperate.

"Maybe I should just go kill some stuff. Or go farm some more of that elven wine and get drunk. Ah fuck, I need healthier coping mechanisms."

"Probably. Maybe a conversation buddy could help out?"

John startled a bit at the unexpected sound, the muffled words coming in through the door of the alchemy lab. Despite the slight distortion, there was no mistaking Farrah's voice.

"Ah, Farrah, fuck. Come on in. I'm sorry," John said with a heaving breath. "I came out here because I could tell I was making you uncomfortable. Guess I should have gone for a run, or something. You can still feel me out here, huh?"

"I'm getting better at tuning it out, don't worry," Farrah said, her twinkling voice growing crystal clear as she opened the door and stepped inside. "I didn't come out here because you were bothering me. I came out here because you seem like you're having trouble, and you need some help. Wanna talk?"

"No, I... yeah, maybe," John agreed after a moment of reflexive denial kicked in.

Talking actually didn't sound half bad, but his partners were rather limited. Normally, he'd have just chatted with Sophia, but he didn't want to dump all his issues on her with whatever she had going on right now. Orria was out working on her grove again, and he didn't feel like bringing his issues into that almost sacred place unless they were a lot more significant than some interpersonal drama. The rest of his creations had, at best, a loose understanding of the complexities of human relationships, save for Lerianna. He still wasn't entirely sure about what their new dynamic was, though, and despite her reassurances, he felt awkward discussing anything about the other women around her just yet.

"Well, then let's talk!" Farrah said, her voice chipper and cheerful as ever. She stepped over to John and pulled up another stool, sitting just a few feet away from him with her legs together and her palms neatly folded in her lap. She really must have been getting better at tuning out the things she felt, because for all the anxiety and frustration John could clearly feel within himself, only the occasional twitch of her lips or crease of her brow gave away when Farrah felt a particularly disconcerting surge in negativity.

"Are you sure about this? I mean, I'm not sure if talking about it out loud is going to make it better or worse, and now you're right here with me, so-"

"Hmmm, you know, I'm almost positive the last words I said were 'let's talk', so I think I'm pretty sure," Farrah said, leaning forward and poking the tip of John's nose. "Come on, sulky, what happened? You were supposed to be out on a date, weren't you? But you've felt like one big spiky ball of nerves ever since you got back. Real prickly, like I'm holding a hedgehog or something!"

"Wait, you know what a hedgehog is?"

"Mmhmm! That internet thing you got is great," Farrah confirmed, grinning a little more widely. "I want one!"

"A hedgehog?" John couldn't resist a peal of laughter, though it was a bit shorter and harsher than his usual mirth.

"Definitely! There were a bunch of other cute little animals too! Can you take me to see a pet store sometime? I'd love to hold some of them one day."

"You know what? That actually sounds great." John's lips were halfway to beginning an invitation, an offer to take Farrah out and go touring Springfield's pet shops, when the memory of the dinner started to play out in his mind again. For a different reason, this time. Though it was the strangers he saw, the unfamiliar faces of mercenaries fresh to town, it was Glen's voice that echoed off the walls of his mind, a smug laugh that made John's fist clench unconsciously.

"Maybe another time?" Farrah asked perceptively, her body tensing a little bit in a mirror of John's, her bright green eyes falling slowly to his clenched fist.

"...Another time," John agreed, looking away in shame. "There's someone in town who knows- who knew the old you. As far as I know, you're not recognizable as you are, but I wouldn't want to chance it. Not sure how he'd react if he did realize it, somehow. And of course, that's on top of the dangers of letting anyone find out I can Purify humans to begin with."

"Is that somehow more dangerous than using it on Barrier monsters?" Farrah asked. To John's surprise, and her credit, mentioning Arista hardly seemed to even phase the overly kind woman she'd become now. John tried to keep his mentions vague, avoiding Arista's proper name as much as possible, but Farrah had adjusted to the revelation of her transformation far more quickly and stably than John was sure he ever would have been able to, even putting aside the fact that she'd forgiven him in the first place. There was a deep inner strength to Farrah that John respected immensely, and appreciated even more so.

"Not 'dangerous' as much as it messes with the fundamental laws of magic, apparently," John grumbled. "Something I seem to be increasingly good at. I'm already wanted due to my ability to create living beings from Barrier monsters; if they knew I could change people, I'd probably have one of the Deities knocking down my door."

"It must be stressful, to always be looking over your shoulder when you're not here with us. I can tell - every single time you come back, it feels like the whole area around you is stiffened up, practically standing still. But even in the time it takes you to reach the house, you usually loosen up a lot. As soon as you smile, everything's back to normal."

"Is it really every time?" John asked with a light chuckle of disbelief, one that turned into a weary shake of his head when Farrah nodded. "I suppose I do get pretty tense most of the time. I was hoping it was just days like today, when things go wrong…"

"What exactly happened out there?" Farrah finally seemed ready to broach the subject proper, her eyes focusing a little more intently on John as she spoke. "What's got you all worked up, John? I thought the others said you were just supposed to be out on a date today."

"The date got, err, complicated." John winced at his own understatement. "Turns out Layla hasn't been single for long. Her ex showed up, slapped me around a bit, and told me that they'd been together right up until around the time that we were heading to the west coast. I'm still not clear on exactly what happened; I was a little too in shock to ask many questions. Sounds like Tessa knew a little bit about what was going on, but not enough. I'm guessing she thought that I had actively been stealing Layla from her, judging by how hard she slapped me…"

John rubbed his cheek at the memory, giving Farrah an opportunity to nod and speak while he relived the event.

"Mmm, that must have been embarrassing. And painful," Farrah added, giving an empathetic grimace. "I see why you're upset, but not why you're so fidgety. Or whatever I feel is, anyway. Sitting next to you like this, if I don't tune it out, it kinda feels like you're a big spring, or like a towel getting twisted to wring the water out."

"Your abilities are remarkably on the nose," John noted, feeling both amused and a bit **** to how accurate that felt. "I'm a bit, uh, let's call it 'sensitive' to relationship issues like this after past events. Not exactly like this, but close enough to bring up bad memories. I don't like feeling like boundaries haven't been properly set, or that there was a misunderstanding, even if it isn't my fault. I've been bitten by that in the past, and I know how easy it is to get hurt if you're taking things for granted."

"But knowing it isn't your fault doesn't help?"

"Not really. I don't need someone to blame, I need to fix things, and this... it's going to take time. I don't even know what to do to start the process right now. And I never made much progress on the other issue either, even though it's been over a year. Luckily I have a whole war coming up, so that should be a welcome relief from all this drama." John gave a roll of his eyes that sent the whole room spinning, only to end up staring right at Farrah as she made a particularly grossed out face.

"Ugh, that one's not the worst feeling, but it sticks around forever. It's so sour." Farrah blanched as she stuck her tongue out, giving a little shiver for emphasis.

"You can taste sarcasm?" John couldn't help the laugh that escaped him, a sound that seemed to bring Farrah back to a happier state immediately.

"I don't know if that's the part I'm feeling, but it's always there when someone talks like that. That was definitely the strongest in a while, though!"

"Sorry. I'll try to keep the snark to a minimum."

Farrah gave a faithful nod, but didn't say anything right away. The two of them sat there for a little while, their minds wandering off in different directions until Farrah's managed to meander its way back to the conversation.

"So, if you can't fix anything about this one just yet, maybe work on the other one? It doesn't seem like just doing random work to take your mind off things is working all that well," Farrah noted, glancing over at almost the exact spot on the wall that John had tossed the flask a few minutes ago.

"That's not really easy. I made a promise, and... well, keeping it would mean getting more practice with my Purify ability."

"So why not get some practice?" Farrah gave a completely unfazed shrug, her smile never wavering. "Best time to start practicing something is yesterday, right?"

"Yeah, but-" John stammered a little, surprised at her nonchalance. It was one thing to have come to terms with what he'd done, another entirely for her to be so cavalier, almost enthusiastic about him doing it more, even if only to Barrier creatures. "I still don't even understand it all that well. The description keeps changing, it's not even always consistent with its own words, and- well, honestly, I didn't even know it could do things like Purify humans before. And every time I use it, it creates something new. A new life, a new person."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I-" John blinked as he froze up, the question pointing in a direction so simple he'd hardly considered it. "I don't actually know. I mean, there's nothing wrong with the concept, right? But I promised Lunaya I'd fix her voice, and that I'd bring her family here. To do that, I need to learn more about how this ability actually works - and I would need to practice creating what I want. Creating a life is a big responsibility, even if it's not morally wrong, but I don't think that shaping that life to my own desires is quite as 'morally just', even if it's for a good cause. That feels egotistical, even narcissistic."

"You're a good man."

Farrah stood up from the stool she'd pulled over and closed the short gap between them, raising both hands and caressing John's cheeks tenderly. John met her stare with silent anticipation, blushing slightly at the compliment as he waited for the words still swimming in her eyes.

"It's funny, it's almost like fear. Almost. But it doesn't quiver, it doesn't seem to shy away. There's a stony quality to it - a kind of heavy feeling in your soul. Instead of holding you down, though, it almost feels like you're clinging to it yourself, like you're worried about letting it go." Farrah went quiet for a moment, her hands stroking along John's jawline as if memorizing the shape of his body. "I think you should try practicing."

"Farrah, we're going to be marching off to war in a couple of weeks. Even if I was okay with the idea in general, it wouldn't be fair to bring someone into that."

"You don't have to make them fight or anything. And you've made this place really comfortable for all of us. If you weren't so busy training, you'd see that," Farrah said, her voice lilting with joy. She pulled back one of her hands and took the opening to boop John on the tip of his nose before she returned to her stool, her smile even wider than before.

"Hey, I used to train nonstop for things this important," John mumbled. "I will be, in a week or so, I suppose, but aside from that, I've done pretty good! I told myself that since there always seems to be some conflict going on, I should make time for things other than training and war... and believe me, it wasn't easy. Still not always easy to keep the anxiety away, either."

"I noticed. You've been getting more willing to push your training longer and longer the last couple of times," Farrah observed, her smile still holding. "And I'm happy for you. Really. The time you spend with us seems to really brighten your mood. Even as stressed as you are, you were almost back to normal when you were surrounded by your children. Almost. But as nice as all that is, don't you think that should include other things? Like studying your abilities in ways that aren't about killing? And keeping promises."

"I'd be learning to control aspects of the things I create. Forcing them to... to be what I want them to be, instead of whatever they were before, or whatever fate would've made them without my influence. You really think it's okay to be experimenting with that? Especially right now?"

Were it anyone else, John's words might have held a note of that "sourness" Farrah was so fond of, but he found himself truly interested in her answer. Whether by choice or not, Farrah was one of the most emotionally intelligent people that John knew, and she'd come to terms with her own rather abrupt circumstances astonishingly well. John was no moral authority; he just tried to do what felt right, or at least to avoid doing too much that felt wrong. If anyone's opinion on when it was okay to use his ability mattered, it was certainly that of the people he'd created with it.

"As for the experimenting, you can always just focus on things that don't really matter too much. Hair color, eye color, height, that kind of thing, right?" Farrah suggested, her eyes wandering slightly as she mulled the possibilities. "Or you can just focus on avoiding certain things rather than forcing them to be a specific way. Maybe really general stuff. Like, uh, you wouldn't want to accidentally create anyone evil, right? Would you say it's morally wrong for you to be focusing on making someone kind, and accepting, and caring?"

"W-well, I hadn't really..." John's words jumbled up as his conflicting feelings cut off his chain of thought almost immediately. "I guess not? But also, if I'm going to be messing with anything, personality seems like the worst one to do. Yeah, maybe it's not inherently messed up to make someone be more, uh, ‘good’ than they might have been otherwise, but it'd still be messing with who they are as a person. I don't try to get specific with that stuff. Most of the time my head is pretty blank."

"Just most of the time?"

"Well, I told you about how you came to be," John explained, doing his best not to let the lingering awkwardness of Arista seep into the emotions Farrah was feeling in him. "I still don't know how that affected you, except that wanting to give Arista a second chance at life may have had something to do with your complete lack of memories."

"Good thing I'm a fast learner. And that you like talking so much." Farrah threw him a wink, and John bit back a sarcastic reply as he continued on.

"With Vallya, I was thinking about saving everyone. I wasn't really relating it to the Purify, though, I just wanted to stop that shell or avatar that Jiina left behind from hurting everyone. Maybe that had something to do with her calling herself a Star Guardian, but I just don't know. Aside from that, the only one I can really say I had something in mind for was Yvara. I wanted to prove to Adantia that I wasn't lying, that I could do all the things I said I was. Wanted her to not doubt my-"

John paused, then released a sigh that turned into a groan as he slumped a little on his stool.

"Ah, fuck. Did I make her so obsessed with me by doing that? I wanted Adantia to have proof that I was legitimate, that my abilities were real and as powerful as I said. I think I might be the reason that Yvara treats me like I’m somewhere between a king and a god…"

"John, Yvara has an entire history and memory of a place where everyone treats you like that. Even if you think that's all fake, that's who she is now. And it isn't as if you were trying to create someone to worship you. Don't you think it's more likely that she - or, I guess whatever little spark she was before you blossomed it into life - was already inclined to find you so fascinating? As opposed to you somehow having a secret fantasy about a bunch of women kneeling in front of you and crying out your name?"

"I'm gonna ask you to rethink the phrasing on that one," John said, stifling a groan.

"I politely decline." Farrah stuck her tongue out for a moment and gave John a bratty grin when she retracted it. "I'm telling you, John. You're a good person. Everyone here is so, so happy most of the time. You can't always tell that... but I can. And as far as the war? Well, sure, you might not be around as much as you'd like, but all of us will be. Besides, remember: if you don't use your ability, the alternative isn't peace. It's just... nothing. Aside from me, none of the people here existed before you made them. I mean, maybe if we were having trouble feeding the people already here, I might feel differently, but in general? I don't think there's ever a bad time to bring new life into the world."

John nodded, letting his eyes wander as he started to consider her words. But they were only beginning to sink in when Farrah started to move again. By the time he looked up, she had closed the distance between them again - only this time, instead of caressing his face, she bent down until she was almost kneeling in front of him and gently took his hands into hers.

"I know that you feel a lot of anxiety and guilt over it still, so, if I can say it as someone you created..." Farrah hesitated a moment. Her lips quivered and her eyes began to glisten as she idly toyed with his palms. "...I'm really glad that you Purified me. I've been so happy since you brought me back here, and I know you only want the best for all of us. I'm sure everyone else feels the same. Like, really sure. So if you need practice to keep your promise, and if it'll help you feel better... then get out there and practice, John!"

A chuckle escaped John before he noticed its presence. He didn't think Farrah had managed to lift the weight off him, but he could feel her hands against his own, hefting with all that she had.

"...Alright, you win," John finally agreed, giving a fast nod for further emphasis. "I'll go practice. I need to do something productive anyway. Just one, though!"

"Just one." Farrah returned his nod, standing up straight again and giving John's hair a tousle as he lifted himself off the stool at last. "What are you going to do? I mean, what are you going to be looking for?"