The

I was wondering about Snake Lady's dong!
I mean, we've got ourselves two heads: one snake and one lady. So which one was in control? Was it a snake with a lady, or a lady with a snake?
I'd never have guessed that the answer was both!

Mostly cause that's the one answer that makes absolutely no sense. I mean, come on!
To begin with, what kind of lazy ass engineer came up with the idea of a body part with its own mind? Think about it, if one of your legs tried wandering off somewhere different than you half the time, then how are you ever supposed to get anywhere?
And that's not the half of it! What if they no longer got along? Do they follow each other to the bathroom? What's the dong's opinion on snakes that roam around free on the ground, without having to be the chick-dick of some dick-chick?
What if one of them wanna fuck someone the other one doesn't fancy?

To be fair, she does have the power of hypnosis. Once she'd subdued her dick with hypnotic powers, then that'd almost amount to a functional body part. But who's to say that Gilbert won't be the one subduing her? Maybe she's not the only one with hypnotic powers. In that case who hypnotizes who?
Imagine that! Your reproductive organ literally takes control, telling you where to go and what to do. What a silly thought, isn't it? Well, my fellow chumps and chumpettes; what if I told you that's not too far from how it works all along? You just never realized it!

A bit of perspective can make a world of difference.
What if you lived like an oyster? In that case, you'd live and die on the same spot you were born, like all oysters. You can't really expect a partner to just fall into your lap then. You gotta let your swimmers do that work for you! Letting the currents take them away to the lady oyster of their dreams!

The point is, you're just a shell. The real deal are your swimmers! They're the ones who get to see the big wide world on their own, while you lie on the same spot forever where you happened to be born.
So here's my question to you: What makes the oyster a shell, and you something else? Turns out, even if you're not an oyster, you're still there to produce and protect your sex cells. Sure, no currents are up and about to help them on their way, which means it's up to you to find somewhere to deposit them. As it happens, you then end up doing a whole bunch of funny stuff on the way, such as literature and religion.
So, what if rather than proof that humans are special, all of art, culture, and society; every song that's ever sung and every war that's ever fought, was merely another cog in the mechanism to find somewhere for your little swimmers to go?
All that you are and can ever be is a haploid cell distribution program that's gotten a bit wrapped up in what it does!

But that's neither here nor there! This was about my adventure with the horny hermaphrodite!
Fact is, I was supposed to figure out what the moral of that story was. Guess I got too wrapped up in my own little speech then forgot all about that. So... What exactly are you supposed to learn from all that transpired?
Oh, I got something! How about this?

Don't fuck wth my friends.
Okay?

Think you're free to cross whatever line your average bubbly girl drew in the sand, cause she can't possibly craft some hideous disease to wipe your kind from the face of the Earth? You better think again, Buster. I don't wanna fuck up your day. But I will if I have to.

I bet she felt pretty good tormenting my friends, cause that's what she thought she could get away with. Who was gonna stop her? The stuttering little girl barely able to form a coherent sentence? Of course not! All she saw was frightened prey.
But guess what? Sometimes there's more to life than who is the predator and who is the prey!
Some people gotta learn that the hard way I suppose.

Ugh... At least Operation Chocolotastic went along fantastically. Granted, I did have to stay in that cramped basement for a good hour or so.
But it wasn't that bad, really. I actually found it kinda cozy. At least, the room they gave me. The one free of tentacle monsters, so I could work on the virus in peace.
If I had to come up with one thing to complain about, that'd be the neighbours. Honestly, the lungs of that Snake Lady! You could hear her begging the tentacles to spare her from three storeys over!

But that was a small price to pay. Once my job was done, who was there to greet me at the basement door in he lobby but my very own Bat Girl?
A relieved, almost tearful smile grew on her face when she spotted me stepping into the lobby.
"Allison!" She rushed at me with open arms, "You did it! That was amazing!"
I recoiled at the incoming pounce, but the pounce never came. She came to an abrupt stop only an inch or two away.
Her eyes shimmered with worry and apprehension. She avoided me like fire, but a fire that enveloped her dearest possession.
"Is... Is it all right? Is it safe to hug you?"
I smiled and nodded. She smiled back, and her smile grew. Any trace of tension had vanished from her body. She closed in to embrace me, holding me tightly in her arms while resting her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her as well.
The hug was tight, but soft. It was a nice hug.

Behind her back, I pressed the play icon on my cellphone.
"But of course. There is little chance of any infection remaining even now." The cold words of the Die Hard villain dripped from the phone, "After all, the teleporter worked exactly the same way out as in, meaning my body should be stripped of any pathogens. Then, considering the healing removed any damage by the virus prior to that, we can safely conclude not a trace should be left. Still, I checked to make sure. I am indeed virus-free. As is our Serpentine Friend, in fact... But the officials need not know that just yet."
The Bat Girl burst out laughing, patting my back. Then she grabbed me by my shoulders "Oh, how I missed you, you little psychopath! You really put that Lil Worm back where she belongs! In the dirt! Ah, it must feel incredible!"
I sighed, pressing play once again, "Indeed. It has been... Amusing. However, I can not be quite satisfied yet. Not until my friends have been released from bondage."

"Yeah..." Bat Girl scratched the back of her head, smiling awkwardly, "Pretty sure your chances of setting them free came and passed in the Arena. You think it's even possible to pull it off anymore?"
"Miss Bat Girl... I will have you know that during this Tournament, I bore witness to a woman swatting away a railgun armature like a baseball. I sincerely doubt I can be considered an authority on what is possible or impossible."
She looked back at me worried, a sigh escaped her lips which lingered long after it faded.
Then she burst out laughing.
I joined in her laughter. We hugged each other again.

"And speaking of baseball... " The module added, "Will you close your eyes for a moment?"
Bat Girl's face positively glowed. She couldn't contain her gleeful smile, but she shut her eyes for me.
I gripped the piece of craftsmanship I worked on while locked in the basement, pulling it out from behind the door. There it was; a gorgeous new baseball bat for my own little Bat Girl, reaching from the floor to my waist. Hopefully she's not called Bat Girl cause she can see with echolocation.
What a beautiful sight: A large symmetrical club of golden fibres. Each part distinguished itself clearly by its role in its anatomy. The heavy pommel at the bottom. The handle wrapped in even layers of white cloth, soft as clouds yet grasping the wood like iron. The fine yet distinct taper at the top where the weight was focused.
Yet they all joined together in a single subtly rounded shape.
It felt light in my hand, and its weight shifted comfortably like an extension of my body.
Yes, it was a polished piece of wood. That's not the point! I destroyed something important to her. That was when we were enemies. Since then we were friends. And as friends I had the chance to give back what she valued so much.

I lifted it before the blinded bat girl, then gently tapped her on the forehead. She opened her eyes, squealing loudly at what she saw.
I dropped it between her palms. She grabbed it firmly but carefully, her eyes tracing its length with admiration and wonder.
"This is... Ahh! I can't believe you did this! Oh, it's so amazing! You shouldn't have..."
"Oh, but I had to." I replied, my voice module lending a mechanical smoothness to my words, "It is the least I could do after breaking your previous one. I cannot have my Bat Girl running around without a bat."

She swung the club around to try it out, her motions quick yet deliberate. She recovered her swing after each strike, the club tracking fluid rings around her with dexterous flourishes. She tried wielding it with a single hand, and then with both hands. Each displaying incredible deftness. She ended her forms with the bat resting on her shoulder.
"Heh. You won't find a bat like this lying around in the grass of the park, I'll tell you that much!"
"I most certainly would hope you would enjoy it. While I worked on this I missed Speed Sylphid's glorious victory, yet seeing you with that smile on your face, I must say that it was worth it."
Her smile faded somewhat. She stabbed the floor with the bat and rested her arms on the pommel, "Actually... Sylphid lost her match. She got eliminated."

My heart shattered at that very moment.
"Is that so?" The module asked, "Sylph of all people... To think a hurricane like that could be stopped by anything at all, much less something in her own bracket."
"Hey, you're in good company with that thought! The thing is... There's some real monsters competing this year. The C-Bracket had a couple of wildcards lying about, sure. But compared to who else is here, we're pretty much dog meat!"
"Dog meat? Huh, I certainly could not imagine any dog meat that sexy."

"Ahaha, no but seriously. You remember that witch from back in the morning?"
"Naturally. She behaved utterly reprehensible. Like a bully."
"Yeah, but who can blame her? In one of her matches she nearly devastated half the Barrier!"
"The Barrier? Preposterous! I have it on good word that it is meant to be impenetrable."
"Yeah... Tell that to her Black Destruction Beam she unleashed. And that's not the half of it. We've got a true blue Dark Lord up later. He'll be facing off against, guess what? A high-level devil! And then... There's the Champion."
"Ah... Yes, I have heard there was a champion."
"Not a champion. The Champion. She's absolutely crushed no less than five Tournaments in a row. And from how she's mowing the competition, it looks like she's gunning for her sixth. Still, she hasn't won her Bracket Finals. Yet. Oh. Hey, if we hurry up right now we'll be able to catch it! She'll be up against..."
"...The Golden Knight." My face grew dim as my phone announced his title, "Indeed. He had quite the tumultuous event this morning. He... Does not deserve victory, in my opinion. Yet, I hope he will be able to overcome this opponent. So that I do not have to."

Together we made our way through the double doors in the lobby, out into the busy streets.
"So... You're saying that Golden Boy would be easier to deal with than the Champion?"
"Indeed." I confirmed through the speakers of my phone, "He may be a dunce, but he is my dunce. The dunce I know. There are but two matters that can weigh against an overwhelming opponent. These are 'brains' and 'guts.' The presence of either can suffice to entirely turn the tide of battle. The Champion has both."
Estelle Bright laughed, "Stop the presses! Haha! Oh, Allie! That's a no-brainer if I ever heard one. Just this morning, that little Galmon proved without a shadow of a doubt the Holy Lance ain't the sure thing it's cracked up to be. And before that, he got utterly humiliated by a tickler."
"Yes, in that instance the Golden Knight did fall short. However, that was me. I specifically engineered a scenario wherein he faced significant adversity. That is my point. All things considered, there really is no reason the Golden Knight should not easily dominate this battle. The question is, can she engineer a scenario where she has the upper hand?"
"But here's a better question," Estelle Bright countered, "Can she engineer a scenario where you struggle? Cause from what I've seen, you come up with the weirdest gadgets no one else could even dream of, so..."
I pressed play again, "She already has."
"...Can you run that by me one more time?"
"Recall, if you will, the Champion's second match," The phone Grubered, "The one against a certain Dominatrix Svenja?"
"Of course! Who could forget? The Champion clanged her axes together like cymbals! And in that distraction she cut off her leg! Classic move!"
"I concur, that was a clever ruse. Though many an audience member suffered hearing injury. As such, the Tournament engineered the Barrier to block damaging sounds."
"Which proves...?"
"Which proves that she correctly deduced I could attack from outside the Arena using sonic weapons. That is, until now. You see, I rely on my equipment to fight, but what equipment I can bring is limited by the rules. That was my concern from the start. I have no doubt she sees me and my technology as a considerable threat, and identified how to best counter it."
"...Well, crap. So, she's the real deal, huh? I can see why you're so apprehensive then."
"Indeed. This is the Champion. Her goal is to win the Tournament."
The Bat Girl shrugged, "Guess in that case, Golden Boy really doesn't stand a shadow of a chance, huh?"
"I would rather say-y-y-y-y-y-y--"

Not quite the clever retort you'd come to expect from the actor who immortilized Severus Snape, I imagine. That was entirely my fault though. I got a bit distracted by half a country spewing out from the Stadium gates.
The both of us came to a stop at the same time, staring slack jawed at the colorful flags and banners popping out from the ocean of heads, their enthusiastic waving declaring the allegiance of whoever was under it.
Mostly to the Champion.
"Wow..." Bat Girl drooped.
She looked left and right, futilely trying to trace the numerous winding tendrils of the crowd back to the start of the line, but to no avail.
I shook my head, "Oh, bugger. I suppose this is to be expected when..."
"WHAT!?" She interrupted my phone, the voice getting drowned out in the roarous murmur of the crowd.
I pushed the stop icon on the screen with a sigh.

Instead, I pulled out my bluetooth set. I pushed one piece into her ear, which she let me do without a problem.
"Can you hear me? Give me an 'OK' sign!" I said into my phone, once I pulled it out again.
She connected the tips of her index finger and thumb, forming an O with a delightful smile.

"Yeah, I guess that's the match of the Champion for you." I spoke into the phone.
"YEAH, BUT IT'S NOT JUST THE CHAMPION!" The Bat Girl screamed over the noise from the crowd, "THIS IS THE MATCH EVERYONE'S BEEN WAITING FOR! BOTH THESE LEGENDS WAGER THEIR INVINCIBILITY JUST BY STEPPING INTO THE ARENA! ANYONE DUMB ENOUGH TO MISS THIS HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER CENTURY FOR ANOTHER SUCH CHANCE!"

Anyone dumb enough, eh? Yeah, I could tell that was a horde of geniuses. Throngs of people shoved themselves along in a **** effort not to miss what's no doubt the most important moment in their miserable lives.
Of course, shoving turned out to be the solution to absolutely nothing. It just crammed the crowd even further, which set it in further panic. And so the circle of dumb moved on.
Some guy got squeezed between me and Bat Girl. We couldn't help it! The crowd swept us like a tidal wave and pressed us against him before getting stuck again! Poor guy, helplessly sandwiched between the curves of two attractive and successful women.
Or is that lucky?

I can tell you who were not lucky: the Tournament maids.
Try as they might, their gentle voices just couldn't soothe the raving crowd. In total disregard of the authority of their french maid outfits!

That is, until they came.
The Mommy Maids.
"Ara ara~"
"You better get in line, boys and girls."
"Mmm, you don't want a spanking from mommy."
Taller, bustier and with more extensive makeup... These ladies stood firmly and boldly over the crowd like a commandeering ****, hands resting on hips. These women were much more likely to wear glasses than the other maids, and one of them licked her lips.
And just like that, the crowd moved along like greased lightning.

I've got this nagging feeling I'm supposed to get something from that, but I'm not sure exactly what.
Was it the crowd's instinct to obey their sexy mommy? Or were they moving away from their predatory gaze with reckless abandon now?
If anyone got the answer, then please let me know. I'm dying to get a clue over here!

Day 4 of The 129th Rasheul Great **** Tournament
11:56 AM

Once inside, the current of people swept us to wherever we were supposed to go. Once the crowd came to an abrupt end when it reached full circle around the Stadium, that's our spot. Not like we could move so much as an inch with how crowded it was.
Sanakia's match might not have attracted a great audience, but I thought the turnout for my match was pretty good. But the crowd for d'Artagan vs. Champion Minerva was off the charts!

People stood on their seats to peer over the packed bleachers. The audience filled not just the seats but the aisles inbetween, and extended to the stairways as well. Part of the crowd even scaled the walls, having a picnic over there or something
When we got trapped when the Stadium filled up to Sylph's match yesterday people were crammed shoulder to shoulder... But it still wasn't this bad!

Some of the stubbier fellas had got to sit on the shoulders of their stronger friends!
In fact, I was one of them!
Bat Girl hoisted me up by my waist. It felt like I got hurtled away from the crowd, a riveting feeling. And a most welcome one.
I couldn't help but laugh. Thanks to her, I got an excellent view through the transluscent Barrier. I got my phone ready to snap some photos, when a familiar voice reverberated throughout the stadium.

"What a beautiful turnout!" Ben yelled enthusiastically, "I can not believe how many faces are before me in this stadium! So many smiles! So many eyes shining with excitement! I know why you're here! You know why you're here! Today is the day! You have all been waiting for it! And we shall deliver! Ladies and gentlemen! For the E-Bracket finals, I'm proud to give you..."

The smoke lifted from the first half of the Arena. The first thing to stick out was the enormous Lance that I've already grown so familiar with.
Then the little shitbag holding it like a spire. The man in the shimmering suit of golden plates, holding an equally golden shield looped around his golden arm.
Everything about him was shimmering gold. Except his personality.

"...The Golden Knight: Silvester Spartano d'Artagan!!!"

"OH DAMN! OH DAAAAAAMN!" Estelle Bright yelled from below through the thunderous roar erupting throughout the entire Stadium, "HE'S BRINGING THE HOLY LANCE... AND THE GOLDEN SHIELD, EXCALIBUR! AT THE SAME TIME!"

"Ah, hang on a second! Where'd that shield come from?" I asked into the phone, "Did he always have that? I mean, I didn't see him bring that along when he was gonna sort out that Apostle gal."
"NO SHIT! HE'D SAVE THAT FOR A SPECIAL EVENT! BOTH SACRED ARTEFACTS IN ONE MATCH!? THIS IS GONNA BE EPIC!"

Yeah, I doubt that's the way he saw it. That morning, his entire world shook from its foundation. When it had settled, he had no idea where he stood.
After a lifetime of seeing himself as the golden bastion of hope and justice in the world, suddenly he no longer felt so sure about himself anymore.

I kinda wish I could feel bad for him, but... Did he really need to be such a turd about it?
To be fair, he's always acted like a turd. Having his whole world come crashing down wasn't gonna help him become less of a turd, but...

Ugh... Nevermind. I'd get to see him get torn to shreds before this bulking crowd. That's all that mattered.

"And of course, he will be facing off against the one and only... Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: The Champion Minerva!"
The smoke drifted away, opening its veil the rest of the Arena.
And the crowd went apeshit.

There she stood, her shimmering tanned muscles bulging on full display.
Champion was right! She looked as if she could bend you over with one hand.
Everything about her screamed 'winner', from hulking muscles hanging off her enormous frame, to the way she strode around the Arena with a satisfied smirk like she owned the place. It was enough to make me swoon.

The whistling and shrieking and standing ovation shook the ground itself.
"MIN-ER-VA! MIN-ER-VA!"

The audience yelled, their shouts joined in a single booming voice in rythm with their synchronized clapping.

This was quite the odd couple. The Champion Minerva was dominant and fearless, bare for the world to see. She had nothing to hide. Each scar on her glistening bronze skin she carried like a trophy. Nothing but her, and the two fuck-you big axes slung over her shoulders. She was exceptional because she made herself exceptional.

The Goldfish before her, on the other hand, was just a turd. Sure, a turd wrapped in gold, but nothing but a turd nonetheless. He didn't have to try to be exceptional. He didn't even choose to be. He was exceptional because he was supposed to be. It'd never occur to anyone if he wasn't.
He needed his Lance, and his Armor and his Shield to prove he was meant for greater things.

Of course, like I've been trying to say all along, what matters more than training and equipment is how that is used.

"FIGHT!"