Q&A Podcast: Episode 2

Note: The following transcript is of Payback Podcast: Episode 2, as documented within the Harem Hotel wiki.

[A chiptune rendition of the Harem hotel theme plays]

Azure: Hello, everyone, and welcome to our second episode of the Payback Podcast, the only official podcast of Harem Hotel: Payback Edition. As always, I'm joined by my lovely assistant, Alison.

Alison: I am, in fact, still here.

Azure: Our mailboxes have been flooded with your letters, which we are excited to see. I cannot wait to see what outstanding questions you have.

Alison: Especially since the studio told you you can't pre-screen them anymore.

Azure: Oh, don't be silly. I never would have pre-screened them. That would have spoiled the fun.

Alison: Being a compulsive liar must be exhausting.

Azure: As a reminder for our listeners, this podcast takes place in the cast's dreams, so they won't remember it when they awake. The dreamscape also simplifies the human psyche, so it may be a tad more one-dimensional than usual. Finally, they are compelled to answer honestly and may only speak when it's their turn.

Alison: Excellent recap, mistress.

Azure: Let's begin, starting with Olivia Booker.

Losing your muscles felt like losing part of yourself and yet you made fun of Tomoko when she lost her tattoos. And in the same vein, you yelled at Levi for being weak, not man enough and not wanting to simply bang everything that moves and yet you keep crying over how your father yelled at you for not being girly enough. Don't you see that you are being a hypocrite?

Olivia: Don't fucking compare Tomoko losing tattoos to sacrificing my fucking body! And as for Levi, I wouldn't have done it if there weren't so much riding on him. As for me being a hypocrite, that's fair.

Azure: Wait, what? Did someone admit they were wrong about something?

Olivia: I never claimed to not be a bitch. But still, our situations are different. Don't you dare downplay what that bastard of a father did to me! You don't fucking know me.

Azure: How fascinating. I can't wait to see if our little ice queen shows some of this self-awareness in the real world.

Olivia: The fuck did you just call me?

Azure: Let's move on to Tomoko.

I've seen you put yourself out there for others more than once. Why risk yourself and your chance to reunite with your son for strangers you never met before?

Tomoko: Have I risked myself? I don't remember doing anything like that.

Alison: You almost suffocated in a smoke cloud.

Azure: Which was a simple gas leak, by the way. One that we fixed right away.

Tomoko: Oh yeah. Well, someone was yelling, and I had to help them.

Azure: Oh, that sound you heard was just Alison and me. I was simply surprised by the leak.

Alison: Why are you trying to convince her? She won't remember this anyway.

Azure: I'm not convincing her of anything. That's what really happened.

Alison: As you say.

Tomoko: Look, I was just being a good person. Sure, it was really dumb, but anyone else would have done it, right?

Azure: Ha ha ha ha! Oh, sweet, simple Tomoko. You're absolutely adorable.

Tomoko: Was that a diss?

Azure: I'll let you puzzle that out as we move on to our secretary.

¿ Si pudieras retorcer en el tiempo harías las cosas diferente con Elena?

Ji-Woo: I don't know what that means.

Azure: Elena, could you translate?

Elena: Ha! They want to know if you still would have screwed me over if you had the power to turn back time.

Ji-Woo: If you’re referring to the card, of course I wouldn’t do it again.

Azure: Because you feel so, so remorseful about it?

Ji-Woo: Y... Ye...

Azure: Don't try to lie, dear; you can't here. And even if you could, a little explosion in your loins would give you away.

Ji-Woo: Fine! I wouldn't have done it because I knew it backfired! Elena outed me in front of everyone and turned Levi against me!

Elena: You did that to yourself!

Ji-Woo: You said you'd give me time to talk to him. You went against your word.

Elena: Don't you dare put this on me! You're the one who chose to possess me!

Ji-Woo: I was in danger! What choice did I have?

Elena: You could have chosen not to be a monster and asked for help like a human being!

Alison: Looks like you didn't re-mute Elena, mistress.

Ji-Woo: Listen, I didn't know my card would make you attack Olivia.

Elena: That is so not the point! Damn it, Azure, let me out of this chair so I can slap her stupid face.

Azure: As fun as a catfight would be, let's save it for the actual show. Since I have you here, Elena, let's answer your question.

So besides your creepy (mind controlled) way of loyalty towards Ji-woo is their any other member of the harem you feel comfortable with?

Elena: Aside from that demon woman, I don't have any strong dislikes. Well, I used to loath Lauren, and still kind of do, but after what happened to her sister, I can't bring myself to hate her anymore.

Azure: You big softy. You always let your pity forgive bitchiness.

Elena: Shut up! Anyway, Tomoko is like a sweet teddy bear, even if she doesn't think things through. Sophia is fun, and I'd love to play video games with her sometime. I also have good memories of Ms. Wolf, even though I didn't spend much time with her.

Azure: Anyone else? Remember, you cannot lie.

Elena: I admit I'm not the biggest fan of Olivia, as she can be pretty mean. I get where she's coming from, but it still makes me uncomfortable. However, I am super thankful for how forgiving she is, considering I almost smashed her. Plus, I think we bonded a bit when we kicked your ass, Azure.

Azure: That's a very self-serving memory you have, dear. I just let you get a shot in to make you feel better.

Elena: How generous of you.

Azure: Let's move on to our newest competitor. Nora Wolf.

Being a teacher isn't just about wanting to teach because it isn't just about you. If you see a student struggling or, I don't know, being fucking bullied. Then you are responsible for doing something about it and yet you didn't. With that said, how can you still think that you didn't do anything wrong?

Nora: I'm sorry.

Azure: Is that it?

Nora: I've been a teacher for nearly twenty years. You try your best to be there for your students. But there's only so much you can do. As much as I'd like it if it weren't the case, you can only have so much influence in your student's life before you cross the line. I'm not their parents.

Azure: Yet you **** Levi's mom to make him repeat a grade.

Nora: I didn't '****' anything. His mother came to me for advice, and I gave my opinion.

Azure: Regardless of your intentions, you still hurt him. Thanks to the DVD I gave him, he now understands how much harm you did.

Nora: I don't know what DVDs you're talking about, but I can see now I made a mistake.

Azure: Of course you do, sweetie. How self-aware of you. Too bad that does jack shit for him now. And speaking of Levi, let's take a break from the contestants and check in with the master.

¿ Qué piensas ahora de Sophia?

Azure: Elena, if you would.

Elena: Aw. They're asking what you think of Sophia now, Levi.

Levi: She's amazing. She's so smart and funny. And really sweet. I can't believe we barely knew each other before the date. It feels like she's been a part of my life for years.

Azure: That's wonderful. As a host, that really warms my heart to hear. This show is about making you happy, Levi, and finding the right people to love you. It means I've done my job right.

Levi: If you want to make me happy, you'd stop punishing them.

Azure: Oh, come on, don't ruin this good thing you have going on. My methods may seem **** at first glance, but it's all part of nudging them for you. And as can be seen with Sophia, the results speak for themselves.

Levi: That...

Azure: Time to return to the contestants. Since we're on the topic of her, let's check in with Sophia.

If you could’ve been the master in your own season of Harem Hotel would you want Levi in your harem?

Azure: Ha ha! Sophia as a master? What a novel and creative idea.

Sophia: Me... a harem... I... wow...

Azure: How does that thought make you feel, Sophia?

Sophia: Horny. Wait, did I say that out loud?

Azure: You can't lie here, remember. But back to the question. In this far-fetched but genius hypothetical scenario, would you want Levi there?

Sophia: I don't know. I like him, but I wouldn't want to put him through that, especially if someone is as cruel as you were hosting it.

Azure: That's fine. He probably wouldn't have fit in anyway. It would probably be an assortment of waifus and husbandos from your favorite media. Plus, a few of your friends, your cousin, one of your D&D characters, your online stalker for payback reasons, and one or two of you're OCs.

Sophia: Did... did you make that up right now?

Azure: I mean, purely hypothetically. You must admit that it sounds like a well-written idea that only an idiot would turn down.

Alison: You should pitch it. I'm sure the producers would love it.

Azure: SHUT THE F... I mean, silly Alison. Sophia has her place here, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sophia: Uh...

Azure: Let's go to the other girl initially up for elimination, Lauren Peterson, the newly minted single child.

Given Lauren Two is going to be transformed despite not being in the competition, wouldn't the kindest thing you can do for her is just to be eliminated?

Lauren: I'M NOT A SINGLE CHILD YOU, BITCH! She's still out there!

Azure: She's not your sister, silly. She's your clone, but better.

Lauren: I'll kill you!

Azure: Sure, sure. But let's do your question first. I believe they’re referring to the Second Hand Sister transformation. The longer you're in the running, the more of your leftovers she'll get.

Lauren: That... I...

Elena: Leave her alone. Haven't you tormented the two of them enough?

Alison: You forgot to mute Ms. Mendez again.

Azure: Mind your own business, Elena. Lauren, what's your answer?

Lauren: I... I... I don't know.

Azure: Hmm, I guess that's not a lie. You still have a lot to process, after all. Oh, and speaking of Lauren-Two, let's bring her out for her own question.

[The sound of rustling curtains is heard, followed by footsteps]

Lauren: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?!

Azure: It's Lauren-Two. Though you can probably see she changed a bit. A consequence of the Second Hand Sister. In other words, it's your fault again.

Lauren: OH GOD! You CUNT! YOU TURNED HER INTO A DEMON! THAT'S NOT HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO WORK! GIVE HER BACK.

Azure: Your question is over. Be silent, Lauren.

Lauren-Two: I see my imposter is still around. Uh, she's so lame.

Azure: Here's your question, dear.

Do you have a problem with Levi owning your family fortune?

Lauren-Two: What? What the fuck are they talking about?

Azure: That's right, you weren't there. Levi inherited the Peterson fortune.

Lauren-Two: WHAT?! All of it?

Azure: Yes. Does that upset you?

Lauren-Two: Of course it does! Fuck! Well, at least I'm a demon queen now. I don't need money to be powerful.

Azure: Nice cope, dear.

Lauren-Two: Though... shit... my sister Katelyn will probably have a problem with it. I'll never hear the end of her bitching.

Azure: Of course, there is a way to get it back. The fortune will be shared if he and Lauren get married.

Lauren-Two: Me? Marry him?! I... I guess I have to hook up with him then. Not that I want to or anything. Being masters bride is... is totally not what I want. But if I have to.

Azure: You're blushing dear.

Alison: Her face is always red, though.

Lauren-Two: Sh-shut up. Idiots.

Azure: But to be clear, I meant the other Lauren.

Lauren-Two: There's only ONE Lauren.

Azure: Whatever you say.

Alison: How unnecessarily confusing.

Azure: Since we're discussing eliminated contestants, let's check in with Jezebel.

Jezebel: Yay! My name's Jezebel!

Hey Jezebel! I'm a big fan. I hope you enjoy being in the shop and not having to worry about the game like everyone else in this season.
I want to know what you plan on doing in Levi's life after this is all over?

Jezebel: Aw, thanks! I plan to do whatever my master wants me to do.

Azure: Do you have any preferences?

Jezebel: Yeah, I prefer whatever master does.

Azure: Sure, but if you had to make a prediction, what do you imagine doing in his life?

Jezebel: Hmm... I'd spend my day fucking him. And maybe screwing him. Oh, and have sex. Uh... did I say fucking him?

Azure: You certainly did. Sounds like a good life.

Jezebel: Oh! Maybe we could have sex too.

Azure: Delightful. We can't top that, so let's go to our last letter, for my lovely assistant.

Why do you hate Azure so much?

Azure: Wow, what a terrible question. If only someone pre-screened these.

Alison: Hate is a valueless concept. One I am not capable of.

Azure: Besides, everyone knows that Alison and I are best friends. Whoever wrote this must have been out of their mind if they thought otherwise.

Alison: Best friends is also a valueless concept.

Azure: Oh Alison, you tsundere. Ha ha.

Alison: Also, mistress, you mentioned that I was the last letter. However, we still have not had a question for you. It's unusual for you to pass up an opportunity to talk about yourself.

Azure: Oh, this episode is running long. We don't need to do me.

Alison: Are you afraid to answer a question you didn't pre-screen?

Azure: I DON'T PRE-SCREEN YOU LITTLE... I mean... fine! I'll do one.

Dear Azure, are you familiar with the concept of the "carrot and stick"? Because right now the only thing you’re offering is sticks and no carrots to keep your contestants in line, and it’s already made Lauren non-functional. I’d advise that you tone down your sadism before it derails this season. After all, you’ve already had a contestant strike you. It will only escalate if you keep antagonizing them.

Azure: How unfortunate. It looks like I received a troll question. I mean, look at that word salad. There's no need to acknowledge it.

Alison: It's interesting; you usually put more effort into your bluffs.

[Cheery music starts playing]

Azure: Shoot, it looks like we're out of time. Well, I hope you all have a wonderful evening, and join us tomorrow for day four!

Alison: Flawless transition.

Azure: That snark of yours is really pissing me off.

Alison: The microphone is still on.

Azure: What the fuck are you t...

[The audio abruptly ends]