vs. Hebi-san

Day 4 of The 129th Rasheul Great **** Tournament
09:58 AM

Say what you want about Goldfish Knight, he sure got me worked up before my own match.
And that I needed.

So, getting riled up over things when they don't go your way isn't the remarkable plot twist it's made out to be. It happens to everyone, from time to time. Things get said that aren't meant. Things get done that'll inevitably pin you in a mess.
Sure, I'd definitely prefer not having to worry about my Bird Brain getting slaughtered in a blind fury, but did getting so angry make sense? Of course! His little cuddle blanket was stolen, after all.
At least a bit of a hissy fit was to be expected.

What really grinds my gears was treating the problems of others with indifference, as if that'd make him feel better!
You got angry? Sure! Speak your mind! Be open about your issues! Who knows? Maybe if you talk it out you'll find out there wasn't so much to get upset about after all.
The real asshole isn't the guy who at least occasionally behaves like he's a human being. It's the guy who pretends to be in control by giving the cold shoulder to those he's angry at!
Hey, jackass! If you were in control you'd be far more picky about who you were trying to kill!

Gah!
That guy got me so miffed!
But you know what? Miffed I can deal with! Miffed gets my blood moving! Miffed is good! Miffed is something I can stomach, if it means I don't have to wait out the last few seconds before my match with nerves strung tighter than a stiltwalker's shoelaces.

Gnngggh... So I was really doing it, huh?
I guess so. I didn't get into the suit of shimmering silver sheets for nothing. You got any idea what a hassle it was like getting into what basically amounts to a second skin? Sure, it traced my natural lithe curves nicely, giving me a striking silhouette as alluring as it was menacing. But it's not like I could actually paint it on!

It'd be a waste to go through all that trouble only to back away at the last second. The teleporting pod awaited just a few steps away.
The clock was ticking down. Thirty seconds left before my match.
The air was pregnant with suspense. Dense, as if made from bricks.
I snapped my goggles around my temples, fixing them to my eyes. Then, I donned the last piece of the suit; the helmet I carried under my arm. Looked like a mix between a diving helmet and a birdcage. With a firm twist, it clicked into place, attaching itself on the metal socket on the collar of my suit.

The clock kept ticking. Twenty seconds left.
My gloved hands traced the sleek fabric constricting my body. Through it, I felt the cool steel of two items dangling from my belt. One cylindrical. One spherical.
A stick and ball.
As I kept patting myself up and down, each outcrop along the suit revealed another stage of the battle in my mind.
Yup, I checked down the entire list in my head.
Well, not a list, exactly. More like a swarm of clipshows, filmed and edited by the imagination of yours truly. Tied acausally together in a web of possibilities. The toughest questions about the match turned out to have somewhat easy answers. But for each question pounded down, six new ones sprung up. No way I could answer every question. I could, however, imagine how to win.

But making something happen in my imagination was the easy part. Turning the imagination into reality was gonna be a different matter entirely.

Tick... Tick...
Fifteen seconds until showtime.
How easy would it be just to wait until last second, only for the shutters to close before I could enter? Who could blame me?

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
The clock was just moving too fast.
I was just moving too slow.
I'd have loved to come storming into the match guns ablazing, but circumstances conspired against me. Looks like I don't have any choice except to live the rest of my life without putting my own freedom at stake.
Sorry to disappoint, Goldfish Knight. Better luck next time!

So, you got all them friggin' toys at your disposal, but what the fudge good do they do if you're too much of a mother-flipping coward to use them?
I heard Katey's voice. She wasn't really there, of course, but I could hear her clear as day in my head.
And I would keep hearing her. Unless I showed I had the balloons to put my babies to the test, I'd never hear the end of it.

Five seconds left.
Four.
Three.

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.
Finding out how exactly imagination differs from reality was part of the fun!
I had an idea. I wasn't gonna let it die before it had the chance to show what it's made of.

There are times in your life when you've got no idea what you're stepping into.
In those cases, all you really can do is laugh.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...!"
I lunged myself into the teleporter.

Two...
One...

Day 4 of The 129th Rasheul Great **** Tournament
09:59.59 AM

"...AHAHAHAHAHAHA--Ow!"
The ground wasn't where I thought it'd be. I flailed around in a haphazard dance trying to find it without losing balance. Only barely did I keep myself from falling. That's what I get for running in a teleporter, I suppose. If the ground keeps shifting and moving, you better make sure not to roughhouse.
"...The Genius Inventor Allison." That was Ben. I arrived in time for introductions it seemed.
I recovered instantly, giving my widest smile. I waved both arms while twirling around to face the audience.
The tension hadn't lifted one bit. But now I had nowhere to flee. But that was just liberating. All I could do was move forward. The anxiety from earlier had transformed into excitement.
And I reveled in it.

"And she will be facing off against the most illustrious Snake-Charmer Hebi-san." Ben announced.
There she stood. Arms crossed before me, wearing nothing more than a bikini made of belts. Her long red hair flowed dramatically down her back.

Or was her hair purple?
Maybe some kind of purplish pink.
Or pinkish purple.
You know, she might have had short hair.
Or like a ponytail. Which would kind of be a mix between one and the other.

I dunno. I honestly wasn't looking.

You're damn right I still kept my eyes closed. Her eyes were her weapons. As long as I didn't see them, my liberty was secured.
So no. It's not like I was cocky enough to think I could win with my eyes closed. It's just that I couldn't win with my eyes open.
Of course, if I was able to win with my eyes closed that'd really help. Else I'd be, to put it poetically, knee-deep in shit.

"Fight."
My hand promptly fell towards my hips. Through my gloves, I felt the cool steel of two items dangling from my belt. One cylindrical. One spherical.
A stick and ball.

I snatched the stick, pulling the pin and tossing it through the air in one fluid motion.

PO-OWWW!

That resounding POW meant showtime!
There's nowhere in the Arena where my flashbang couldn't reach her. So it really shouldn't matter that I had no idea where I threw it.
Regardless, I had to make sure it hit. So, I reached my fingers between the bars of the helmet, and pulled my earplugs out...

"...URTTH! IT FUCKING HURTTH THO MUCTHH! OH, GODDAMNIT! WHY!? YOU RIPE BITCTHH! WE ARE GONNA CUT YOUR BOOBIETH OFF AND THTRANGLE YOU TO **** WITH THEM! WHAT THE FUCK ITH WRONG WITH YOU!? WHEN..."

Oh. It did work!
A flash and a bang. Both work together to utterly devastate the target. All without risking my own cute bum!
I opened my eyes, finding the oh so dignified queen bee writhing on the ground like a dog, screaming bloody ****.

Well, I had some good news for her. At least it would be over quickly.
I grabbed the ball; really nothing but a good old fashioned hand grenade, then pulled the pin off while stepping two, three, four steps back.
I lobbed it at her.

It landed by her feet, sinking comfortably into the sand.
Poor old Snake Lady. Even if she had any idea that she was about to turn into a refreshing red shower of rain, that wouldn't help her get back on her feet in the slightest. Not when her inner ear spun around in her head like a carousell.

...Except the Snake Lady's snake bit into the grenade, and flung it right back!
Oh shit!

I ran off! Diving to the ground as I buried my mesh helmet in the sand in a **** effort to take cover!
A deafening blast shook the ground and rattled my bones. Debris barreled past me, followed by a tidal wave of sandy mist that settled over me like a shallow grave.
Slightly shaken, I rose from my untimely tomb. I took a moment to dust off my not-so-shimmering suit.
The smell of ash and solder lingered. A pillar of smoke was all that remained of the grenade, rising from the crater where it detonated. Which by the way wasn't anywhere near me.
Not that surprising. She was gonna try making me surrender, remember?

Damnit, the flashbang only affected the Lady. The Snake must've closed its eyes when it realized the danger.
Wait, no. It couldn't have done that. Snakes don't have eyelids. What was...?

Oh.
It doesn't need eyes. Snakes can navigate by vibrations in the ground!
Even when blind as a bat the grenade must've lit up like a lighthouse.
Likely couldn't hit me even if it wanted to. But even a reptile brain would figure out that anything tossed their way when unable to see her hand before her eyes was gonna turn into bad news fast.

Yeah, obviously it was never gonna go down that easy. She and I were the toughest toots in C-Bracket. If I wanted a shot at her I was gonna have to pull out all the stops.

"...YOU CTHHEEKY BITCTHH! GET BACK HERE THO WE CAN WRING YOUR EYEBALLTH OUT OF YOUR THICK THKULL!"

She still tossed and turned on the ground, rubbing her eyes. Only a matter of time before she regained her bearings. I reeled back the strap of my submachine gun I kept slung over my shoulder, then unclicked the safety.
I dunno who'd end up at the top in this battle. But it wouldn't go down the way it did for Uni or Katey.