Theology Major

It was nearly evening by the time John returned home, the faux-sun shining brightly in his vision as he trekked back to the house. Orria had stayed behind, opting to continue working on the finer details of the grove – fine here meaning that she was individually chiseling bits and pieces of stone out of the columns she’d erected, trying to give them an authentically aged look with a mix of manual labor, elemental wear and tear, and magic.

“Gaia only knows what hour it’ll be when she finally decides to come home. If she runs a dungeon or two for energy, she could be out for days working on that grove…” John couldn’t tame the smile that leapt across his face, despite the slight pang of guilt he felt. He recalled the last he’d seen of her, a brief flash of her knelt next to a pillar reminiscent of ancient Greece, her eyes shimmering with delight. Even in the middle of sculpting cracks and crevices so small it was doubtful that anyone would ever notice them, she looked so enthusiastic and focused on every moment’s work.

“Good thing, too. I always feel bad when the others throw themselves that hard into a project for me; at least I know it’s as much for her as it is for me. She’d probably fight me if I tried to stop her. Speaking of projects...”

John veered off before reaching his home, turning toward the workshop. He eyed the area around it, considering how to best place the new construction. His original concept had been warped a half-dozen times during his research at the Order’s manor.

The first idea was simply to add another room onto the existing workshop, but then he’d learned about needing a higher ceiling along with additional venting to prevent gas build-up. John was pretty sure he could make it look fine even with a sudden jump in the height of the roof, but it didn’t matter in the end – as he was thinking about how to structure the roof, he’d realized that if some concoction did go wrong and end up lighting the lab on fire, he didn’t want it to take down the workshop with it. So John had already made plans to move it further away – both from the workshop and their home.

“But what if we need to use any of the stations in the workshop? There are a few potions that can be weakened or even ruined by exposure to chemicals in the air. There are spells to filter and control the airflow, but will those work in the open air? I doubt all of them will. So I need to connect them somehow...”

A few taps on his menu gave him the solution – a covered walkway between the two buildings, constructed out of wood and coated in a thin layer of plastic around the outside to make it as airtight as possible. It might look a bit cheap and simple, depending on what exactly his Build did with the design, but it would be effective, and he didn’t have enough glass to make an entire tunnel and have enough left for the alchemy equipment itself.

“Of course, that doesn’t solve the fire issue. I bet Yvara can, though. I’ll ask her to make some of those enchantments she used for the shower, but this time set them up as sprinklers that get activated when they detect fire. Hopefully enchantments are accurate enough that we won’t set them off with any brewing.”

John spent another ten minutes glancing back and forth between the final version of the diagram he’d made by hand and the blueprint that was lined up on his menus before he worked up the courage to finally push the “Build” button. Once he did, a huge chunk of the wood disappeared from his inventory all at once – along with a hefty chunk of the rest of his materials - and the blue silhouette of a laboratory that fully dwarfed the workshop sprang into view about twenty feet behind it. The building was almost twice as wide in both directions, with half of the building being a little over one story tall while the other half was almost ten feet higher. Vents, some small and some large, popped out in a few clusters atop the roof.

A handful of windows decorated each side of the building at varying distances, each one near a workstation as a way to vent the air more immediately in case of an emergency, and the front doors were a wide set of double-doors with no bar between them – the covered walkway would need to be a little larger when he added that on, but that meant they’d never have to worry about transporting anything hefty out of the building if John’s inventory wouldn’t suffice for some reason. John caught the sound of footsteps approaching from behind him as he inspected the building’s silhouette, and instinctively reached to slam his inventory closed.

“That’s still weird to look at. Like if a house had a ghost.” Lerianna stopped beside him, staring up at the three-dimensional outline with her head slightly tilted and one ear cocked to the side. “

John remained focused on the house as the outline finished forming and the timer appeared overhead. In large white numbers he could see a countdown begin.

Build started!
Alchemy Lab #1 under construction!
Mana Cost: 150
Materials Consumed: 128x Wood
Build time: 28 Hours

The total construction time was a bit more than he’d hoped for, but a lot less than he’d expected. It looked like the emptiness of the structure made it a bit simpler and faster to build than something large and complex like the living quarters, despite being over half the size. Their original home, the one modeled after John’s family home back in the old world, had taken less wood but over twice as long to build.

“A little bit. You’d be more used to it if you’d played a city builder,” John mentioned, turning to face the rabbit girl. “Honestly, the thing that bothers me is what constitutes a ‘unit’ of material. It seems to vary wildly between the types of material itself, and sometimes I think even when I pull them out of my inventory they change size. I’m pretty sure Gaia is fucking with me.”

NOTICE: I am definitely fucking with you.

John’s eye twitched at the notification, and even Lerianna’s foot tapped in a dangerous way as she stared at it.

“You know, considering everything that’s at stake, she could be a little less flippant. We’re about to go to war, she could at least cheer you on.” Lerianna let a soft growl blend with a sigh and flow out of her as she started to shake her head.

“Or she could come down here and fix everything herself,” John agreed, rubbing his eyes in annoyance. He half expected to see something else pop up, but his windows remained silent. “She’s toned it down a lot in the last year, so that’s considerate of her. At least back then, it was more amusing than frustrating…”

“Guess it’s kind of comforting to know you have a goddess- actually, the goddess watching out for you. Do you ever wonder if she’d actually let you get killed?” Lerianna looked at him intently, her red eyes glistening in the evening’s fading sunlight.

“...Sometimes.”

“Any idea what the answer is?”

“You know, I’m not sure what it is, or what I want it to be. Let’s leave it at that.”

Lerianna gave him a knowing look and averted her piercing eyes for a bit. Despite all that he’d read on the ten Aspects and their known Shards and Fragments, John still knew shockingly little about Gaia herself. She was supposed to be sealed away, supposedly asleep and seemingly of her own will, and yet she found the time to send him little messages like that. His brows furrowed and the Shard in his chest pulsed as angry thoughts raced to the surface. Why did she always treat this like a game?! Bad enough that she never answered him, but-

“Do you think Gaia can make a square circle?”

“I- pht, what?” John sputtered, his darkening thoughts thrown wildly off-track by the odd question.

“Sorry, maybe the more common version works better. Do you think Gaia can create a rock so heavy that she can’t pick it up?”

“Oh, so the square- yeah, okay, I get it now,” John responded, blinking a few times. “I guess… I haven’t thought about it?”

“Well, start thinking, genius.”

“Touche. But we don’t have any way of knowing, so what’s the-”

“Just answer the question,” Lerianna huffed, rolling her eyes very pointedly. John returned the gesture, but pondered the matter a little more deeply.

“I guess… yeah, she probably can, right?” John said, doubt creeping in. “I mean, the whole point of the question is that it’s a paradox. It should be impossible to do both, but if you don’t, you’re not omnipotent. I don’t know if she’s actually omnipotent or not, but to be honest, magic already breaks a ton of the things I used to think were laws of physics and nature. Then when you consider that the abilities she gave me break what everyone says are the laws of magic and Barrier creatures, well, I don’t know why she’d draw the line at making and breaking her own rules.”

“Hn. Fair points,” Lerianna admitted, giving a sideways nod.

“Thinking that doesn’t really change what we know, though. Even if she’s not omnipotent, Gaia must be strong enough to at least pretend.” John gestured to the world around them – to Lerianna, to the grass, the sky, the building now constructing itself for his pleasure, and everything else surrounding them. “She let me do all this just for funsies, despite it being impossible. According to the books in the Order’s library, their Fragments are already powerful enough to challenge a Deity. I’d hazard a guess that if an Aspect ever came down to Earth, it could kill anyone it wanted without breaking a sweat. Maybe take on a bunch of Deities working together, or even all of them at once. Even if I said no, Gaia isn’t omnipotent, she’s sure as shit strong enough that there’s no excuse.”

“Wasn’t trying to make an excuse for her. Shit’s fucked one way or the other from top to bottom. Even if you overlook the big picture stuff – y’know, just assume she doesn’t wanna mess with free will or solve all our problems – she built us, right? Why make people greedy, vain, and evil? Why make me so fucking horny that I spent my entire college career benching and sprinting until I was literally too tired to ride anyone?”

Lerianna blushed a little bit at that last admission, but she didn’t stumble over the admission like she once would have. Thinking about how comfortable she was becoming with lewd thoughts brought a smile to John’s face. Unfortunately for him, her reaction to that slightly perverted smile was the same as it ever was, and with his still-decreased level in play, the not-so-playful sock he got on the shoulder hurt a little more than usual.

“Ouch! Alright, so what were you trying to get at?”

“Well, maybe I wasn’t getting at anything! Maybe I was just giving you food for thought so you’d try to ponder a little philosophy and existentialism instead of just getting angry and bitter! Ever think of that?” Lerianna huffed and shook her head at him, but she only let a beat pass before she continued in a less annoyed tone.

“But really. There’s apparently no religious debate left to be had on Gaia’s existence, right? Have you ever met anyone that suggested she might not be real, or that she didn’t actually create all life? Besides us, I mean.” Lerianna waved dismissively toward the house toward the end.

“No, not really,” John admitted. “Tricia’s the most scientifically-minded and she still seems to believe, as little as she talks about her.”

“Exactly, so the conversation isn’t about ‘if’ anymore – it’s why. Why make people so ambitious that they start wars for power and control? Why make people have flaws and defects at all? Why make the very concept of life and **** at all – why not just make everyone happy, immortal, and perfect? If you accept the whole ‘omnipotent’ thing, or at least ‘creator of all known existence’, which is close enough, then the answers to ‘why’ aren’t in the nature of man, or the nature of reality – because she made that too. No, your answers are gonna be in the form of personality disorders.”

“Personality disorders?” John snorted.

“Yeah!” Lerianna said, sticking her arms out angrily, as if accusing the universe itself. “Why make humans? Or why give you the power to make the rest of us? Why make anyone at all? Boredom? Narcissism? A sense of duty? Duty to what?”

“Maybe she was just lonely?” John suggested, but Lerianna let out a vibrating groan that made it clear he’d missed the point.

“Why would an omnipotent being feel any of that, loneliness included, and if they did, why would they feel the need to indulge that feeling, rather than just removing that desire from themselves? Omnipotent or not, you’re clearly dealing with a goddess who – for whatever reason – decided she needed to create life. So what is it? Sadism, enjoying our suffering? Apathy, and we’re some cosmic coincidence like her? A lack of empathy, because we’re just some petri dish experiment of hers that she barely sees as intelligent? Pick your poison, but something is fucked up about our relationship with her.”

“Pretty sure I’ve gotten threatened for less than that,” John said warily, although no angry notifications arrived.

“Yeah, well, if she’s omniscient, she already knows that the alternative is worse, so I don’t think she’ll be upset at me being an optimist,” Lerianna grumbled.

“You think the creator of the universe being narcissistic or sadistic is the better alternative?”

“I mean, there are a lot of other options. You ever sat down and actually considered them?” Lerianna adjusted her stance, turning away from the hologram of the future alchemy lab, away from their home, giving herself a view of nothing but the grass, the distant mountains, and the now-setting sun starting to dip below the horizon.

“You mean like everyone being wrong about her existing? Or something worse?”

“Worse.” Lerianna’s eyes traveled the distance as if searching for something, though John couldn’t imagine what could be found there. “Like I said, lot of other options. What if we are a cosmic coincidence, and we’re just sharing the space with her? No telling what it would take for her to get annoyed with us, wake up, and wipe us all out like… that.”

Lerianna snapped her fingers dramatically, the sound like a lightning bolt in the crisp, quiet air of the night.

“Or what if there’s something else as powerful as her out there? What if she is doing everything she can to help us, but she’s in some kinda… stalemate? You know, she’s holding something else back, but it takes everything she has – so every time she breaks away from that to do something nice here on Earth, it breaks through and does something just as evil. Cure someone’s cancer? Boom, someone else gets an untreatable illness. She fixes some flaw with humanity, makes ‘em less greedy, less selfish, less violent – boom. You get me, a whole species so horny we can’t progress ourselves or our technology because by the time anyone gets old enough to have a real dream or the drive to accomplish it, they’re too busy railing each other to think straight.”

Lerianna’s hand instinctively reached for the device still wrapped around the base of one of her ears – she didn’t adjust it, but running her fingers along the cool metallic surface seemed to ease up some of the tension and bitterness building in her tone.

“I don’t think so. How would everyone be so sure about Gaia, but not be able to tell that there was something else, something evil influencing the world?”

“Dunno. What if she’s both? Maybe she’s bipolar, maybe she’s got dissociative identity disorder, maybe she’s just indecisive. Wouldn’t really make much sense, since if she’s really omnipotent, she could fix that… or, hell, she could just make duplicates of our universe and do something different in each one. Who the fuck knows? I don’t think a bodybuilder bunny-girl is gonna sit here watching some nerd build a new house with magic and solve the mysteries of the universe.”

“You’ve been thinking about this stuff a lot, haven’t you?”

“Nah. Not lately, anyway. Used to ask myself a lot of the same questions as you, but that was back before you brought me here.” Lerianna gave a shrug, then turned to face him again. “I was tired of wondering who the hell would make a species like us. Got pretty angry at God a lot, even when I didn’t know if I actually believed in them. Trying to come up with explanations doesn’t really help, but… well, at least it exercises the mind. Better than just sitting here shouting at the sky, yeah? Though I guess in your case, at least you know someone out there is listening.”

“Tch, yeah, I tried shouting at the sky – didn’t get any more of a response than you did. Only when she thinks it’s funny, I guess,” John admitted. “And you’re right. I don’t know that I’d say I feel better, but at least I’m not angry. Or… less angry.”

“Anger is normal. Sometimes it’s even good – if you can express it in healthy ways. Venting feels nice too, but getting stuck in anger long-term isn’t healthy. It’s not fixing anything, just picking at the wound. Eventually you have to figure out how to move on, whether that’s forgiveness, making things right, or… just learning to let it go. I don’t know what that looks like for you in this case.”

“I don’t know if I do either.”

“My vote? Figure out what you think is going on, whether you’re a pawn, a toy, or a champion. Doesn’t matter whether you’re right or not, or even if you have proof, just figure out what you believe – then decide whether you’re okay with that or not, and how you’re gonna fix it if you aren’t. You can’t really stop Gaia or Dike or anyone else from looking over your shoulder, or **** them to take things more seriously. But you can decide your own path, make your own rules, and say to hell with anyone – goddess or otherwise – who has a fucking problem with that!”

Lerianna picked up her volume at the end, slamming one fist into an open palm for emphasis. She didn’t seem to realize how enthusiastic she’d gotten, but her eyes were fiery and her smile broad as she noticed John’s gaze on her.

“Is that what you did?” John smirked with amusement at the energy she suddenly had.

“Fuck yeah I did!” Lerianna exclaimed proudly. “I can’t tell you how many times people rolled their eyes at me when I enrolled for another degree, or when I signed up for another competition, or, hell, just when I didn’t bend over and spread ‘em for the first mildly toned bunny-boy who looked my way. Everyone treated me like I was a nerd who needed their help to get my social life in order, a stuck-up prude who thought she was too good for them, or – worst of all – just a girl who didn’t know any better. The pity was the worst. But I picked my own path and didn’t give a shit what any of ‘em thought! Hell, in the end, it worked out even better. Wound up here and don’t miss a damn thing. Little sad about the folks back home sometimes, but… eh, like I said, you’ve gotta fix things or let them go, right?”

“But what if someone needs to hold on?”

John kept his eyes firmly planted on the building, not daring to look over at Lerianna. She didn’t say anything, but he could feel her eyes on him, evaluating. There was a tension in the air, one he hadn’t felt from his family since they’d finally started trusting him alone again.

“I mean, this is nothing. It’s just a little anger at the world, and Gaia, and whatever,” John said dismissively, brushing at the leg of his pants absently. “I’ll get over that. And I’ve had my reckoning with my grief, I don’t wallow in misery like I used to. But, I don’t know, there are some things that are pretty fucking awful about this world. Shouldn’t someone be angry about them? And I know how bad things can get when you’re stuck in grief, but sometimes trying to move on, trying to let people go… it feels like giving up on them.”

“On her.”

John winced at the directness, but nodded. It wasn’t as if he was being particularly subtle, but he’d been trying to avoid making it explicitly about Seras.

“You’ve already dealt with your grief, as much as anyone ever does, I suppose,” Lerianna noted. John dared a glance in her direction and immediately regretted it – her face was a mask of concern, curiosity, and altogether too much insight for John’s liking. “And thanks to Vallya, you had to face your issues with anger and vengeance too. What else are you afraid of letting go of, John?”

“Nothing.” The lie stung on his lips. “I just hate it. That feeling, that expectation that… that the way we process things and fix ourselves is by leaving it all behind us. Leaving our past to rot while we move forward like nothing’s different.”

“The alternative is being stuck in the past with it, or carrying it with us and letting it weigh us down.”

“...Yeah, I know.”

“I know you know. You’re smart, for being so stupid.”

Lerianna reached over and gave John something between a hearty pat and a gentle shoulder rub, the characteristically forceful motion bringing a half-smile to John’s lips. When he looked up, Lerianna was smiling at him, but he could see that same worried inquisitiveness lurking under the empathy.

“Thanks, Lerianna. I think I’m just in a bit of a funk, maybe a little burnt out from thinking too much today. I’ll be alright.”

“I know you will. What exactly did Orria have you doing today that left you so melancholy anyway?” Lerianna quirked an eyebrow, glancing off to the west. “That girl is way too peppy and upbeat to leave you acting all droopy.”

“No, no, it wasn’t anything like that!” A genuine laugh tore from John at the idea of Orria ever being anything but positive, even when she was planning a war sanctuary. “We were making another grove. I think between flower arranging and blueprinting out an alchemy lab, my mind might just be a bit overtaxed. I’ll go numb it up with some healthy, brain-melting video games, don’t worry.”

“Take it easy on the training tomorrow too. And at least you’re almost done with the days for all of us. You’ll have plenty of free days soon, right? You could do anything, and you wouldn’t need to feel guilty at all!”

“Uh, well, let’s see,” John stumbled, pausing as he went over the list in his head. “I still have Shishun to account for all of you who were here before we left for the west coast. But things kinda went crazy since then, so there’s Yvara, and then Farrah, and Aclysia too.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lerianna mumbled, “I guess there’s still quite a few.”

John gave her a curious look that she pointedly ignored when he heard how disappointed she sounded about that. He’d been ready to leave it there, but decided to continue and see how she reacted. Besides, just as she’d distracted him from being bitter about decidedly non-interventionist goddesses, he saw a perfect opportunity to distract her from worrying about him more.

“Plus I’ve been using the Springfield days as chances to meet up with Layla, but it would be nice to give her a day of her own. Same thing with Kim, if I can manage to convince her to do something besides train. Oh, and Moira, but she’ll probably never agree to relax for even a day.”

“W-well, yeah, of course not. Have you seen her?” Lerianna let out a very **** laugh at that, still very pointedly avoiding John’s eyes. “So you’ll definitely be done after them.”

“Maybe. I could take a day to meet up with Etriyya, now that she’s talking to me again. Oh, yeah, I haven’t told you all about that yet. Maybe over breakfast tomorrow. And Maera loves training with the Order, so I could take her and have a day helping her with Glenna’s tutoring, and maybe bring Mithra to-”

“I want another day!”

John jumped a little at the volume of the outburst, but he’d been prepared enough for it to grin widely as the very frustrated rabbit-girl absolutely fumed at him. Lerianna was gritting her teeth, and she’d gone so far as to kick at the ground with one foot when she interrupted him. Even now, her face was twitching as she stared him down.

“And do you want to explain what it is you’re after, instead of just trying to hint that I should free up my schedule?” John asked slowly, dragging out every word to really poke at her.

“Ugh, if you’re gonna be like this, maybe I don’t want another day.” Lerianna gave him a look that would’ve burned Orria’s new grove to the ground, though the anger in her eyes didn’t fully mask the blush that creeped onto her face.

“Sorry, but now I’m even more curious.” John shrugged honestly, not hiding his grin. “You don’t have to tell me, but if it’s important, maybe I-”

“It’s important! Extremely important!” Lerianna blushed a little deeper as her words came out with more intensity than she’d intended.

“Then you can have my next Springfield day. I keep forgetting to text Layla while I’m back in Springfield and I should give her more than a day’s notice for a date anyway,” John explained. “I’ll spend tomorrow training, then you can have the next day.”

“O-oh! I mean, it’s not that important. I need some time too,” Lerianna mumbled, rubbing absently at one of her ears, her fingers gently squeezing the inhibitor for comfort.

“To prepare? What do you have to prepare for us? Is everyone coming up with projects for me now? I’ve found my own, thank you very much.” John gave an exaggerated gesture at the ongoing construction and put enough energy into his voice Lerianna wouldn’t think he was actually bothered.

“Not a project. Quit trying to get me to give it away. Just, um… okay, yeah, two days works.” Lerianna’s words fell to a mere whisper by the end, and she seemed to be talking to herself more than anything. “You can do what you want during the day. I’ll let you know when I’m ready, okay?”

“Sounds good to me. I can make a quick trip to Springfield and get some more training in, I suppose.”

“Good. Good idea. Keep busy. In fact, I’m- I’m gonna go on a run to keep myself active right now. You have a good night, John!”

John blinked a few times as Lerianna abruptly ran off, already at a quick jog that was rapidly turning into a full sprint as she chased the horizon.

“The hell has gotten into her? I thought we were having a nice conversation for once.”