The moments I was weakest, and how I'll be defined

An uncomfortable atmosphere fell over the girls in the Garden’s Suite. Carly and Dani didn’t know what to say to each other, so they just stared, trying to read the emotions on one another’s faces.

“Aren’t you going to answer my question?” Vivian paced around the two girls, like she was studying them from every angle. “Carly, if Dani said that she was no longer okay with you sleeping with Nick, if she wanted you ALL to herself… would you do that?”

“I-I don’t see what the point of that question is!” Dani exclaimed. A murky feeling welled up in her chest that she **** down with her moral outrage. “I wouldn’t make her do something like that anyway! I know how important it is that she… she gets ‘satisfied’ by him, so…”

“Is that right?” Vivian leaned back, wearing a suspicious look on her face like she didn’t believe that line of thinking coming from Dani in the slightest. “It’s really just about her getting ‘satisfied’ by him, that’s the word you used? So you’re not enough to satisfy her then?”

“Don’t say it like that!” Carly blurted out. “Look, I know this relationship isn’t what you’d call a conventional one, but we’re trying to make it work, damn it! Why are you being such a jerk?! I-I thought you were really nice, but you’re just being a bitch!”

Vivian frowned. “I’m trying to help you two!” She replied. “This is important! You said you two just got together like a week ago, right?”

Dani and Carly looked anxiously at each other.

“It-it was a little bit longer than that…” Dani stammered, glancing away. Carly bit her lip.

“What’s wrong if that is the case?” The cosplayer demanded. “We’re still getting a feel for being in a relationship together, it’s not like there’s an instruction manual for a complicated setup like this! I’m just trying to be the best partner I can!”

“I know! And that’s admirable!” Vivian said. “Believe me, I don’t have any problem with your relationship, girls! I’m just concerned about how things are going between the two of you. Because it seems like you’re really happy together… but you’re still in the honeymoon stage. Eventually, things like this are going to come up, and it’s important to know how to respond to that.”

She turned to Dani again. “Tell me the truth, tomboy. Do you really not feel any jealousy at all, seeing Carly sleeping with a man?”

Dani winced. “It’s more complicated than that…” She muttered. Words were terrible at describing the feelings she had about Carly and Nick being together.

“What if she was with another woman?” Vivian pressed. “Instead of Nick, Carly was going to another woman to get satisfied. Would you feel fine with that?”

Dani blanched.

“I… no, that would be different…” She stammered, glancing away.

“Oh? Why?”

“Be-because it would be!” Dani’s brain was overheating and her heart was getting tied up in knots. She didn’t know how to process everything that she was feeling, so she kept getting flustered. “You know it would be different!”

“Really? How? And why?”

“Be-because it would be! Nick’s a guy! If Carly needs another guy to suit her needs, that’s one thing, but another girl…”

“Another girl would be like saying that you’re not enough for her, right?” Vivian finished.

Carly and Dani both stiffened.

“…Yeah,” the tomboy admitted in a resigned whisper.

Vivian stroked her chin thoughtfully. “So you don’t have a problem when she’s with a guy… because she’s getting satisfaction in a way that you know you can’t provide her since you don’t have a cock. But if it’s another woman, then that’s cheating, right?”

“I don’t want another woman though!” Carly exclaimed. “What Dani and I have… it’s not about sex or anything like that, it’s deeper!”

Those were words that Carly never would have imagined coming out of her mouth before coming to this island.

“I agree, it’s not that simple,” Vivian nodded. Her eyes were sparkling with delight, but Dani saw a surprising lack of mischief behind them. For once, it seemed like she was really being supportive. “Neither your feelings… nor Dani’s for that matter.”

“My feelings?” Dani questioned. “What about my feelings?”

“What if Carly decided she wanted to sleep with another man? Besides Nick?” Vivian questioned. “Would you be fine with that?”

Carly’s eyes widened and her nostrils flared as she took a deep breath. That was a possibility that never crossed her mind before Vivian put it out there.

“Uh…” Dani had never considered it, either.

“Maybe you gals have forgotten since you’ve been stuck on this island for so long, but there’s other fish in the sea, love,” Vivian reminded them. “When we all get back to earth, what’s it gonna be? You can keep this casual relationship going just fine, I’m sure, but what happens if Carly decides she wants to start seeing other men, too. Again, purely physically. It wouldn’t affect what you two have, I don’t think.”

Carly and Dani stared at each other. It was a completely valid question to consider. Right now, Carly was with Nick because Nick was satisfying the physical needs that Dani couldn’t. But it didn’t have to be Nick, when they really stopped to think about it. Even back in college, Nick and Carly were hardly anything close to exclusive.

“I-I don’t know…” Carly admitted. She’d never had any qualms about casual sex before, but now that the possibility was presented to her, it made her feel uncomfortable in a way that she couldn’t describe. And that was something Vivian quickly picked up on.

“That’s not a fair question,” Dani pointed out. “Carly’s tied to Nick since she’s in his harem! …We both are!”

“Right, but you don’t have sex with him, so she doesn’t need to either,” Vivian bluntly tore through that pathetic defense. “You two can go back home, live your sapphic fantasies together, and on the side she’ll be getting railed by every beefy guy with a nice cock who slides into her DMs.”

Hearing such vulgar language from such a posh accent threw both girls into a tailspin. Or maybe that was the complicated question that Vivian had posed, shattering the little idyllic fantasy relationship the two girls had formed with Nick like a wrecking ball through plate glass.

“I- we never talked about that,” Carly reluctantly admitted, hanging her head. “Nick… I mean, he’s a great guy… I like him, I really do…”

“But are you willing to give up other men for him?” Vivian pressed. “I mean, me, fellas have never really caught my eye before. But Nicky’s such a cutie, right? Like a little puppy I can cuddle with and adore… aah…”

She swooned a little, throwing Carly and Dani off a bit. Both girls had been a little suspicious of Vivian’s actions, wondering if she was scheming like Rose had been. But the heiress seemed genuinely fond of Nick… even if her reasoning was slightly off.

A part of Carly wanted to tell Vivian where she could shove it- that she would choose Nick in a heartbeat over those other guys. But she knew that was just her being stubborn. Nick was just another guy, right? Sure, he was a close friend. But that didn’t mean she was going to commit to him! She couldn’t commit to him, he was a guy, and Dani-

“…Ah…” Carly gasped and her eyes widened. She turned pale and her eyes quickly shot over to Dani before burying themselves in the grass below their feet.

“…Carly?” Dani could see a look of horror beginning to cross her girlfriend’s face, as if the cosplayer had realized something that terrified her. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing, it’s nothing,” Carly stammered. She felt like she was going to throw up.

“It’s obviously not nothing,” Dani replied, reaching out to the woman she loved but stopping just shy of taking her hand. “What is it? Come on, you can tell me.”

“No, Dani, it’s not… I can’t!” Carly shook her head frantically. “Listen! I… I really love you, okay? I do! You believe that, right?”

“Of-of course I do,” Dani said, her heart aching with anxiety. “Why would you even ask that?”

Carly looked like she was about to cry. She stared at Dani with pleading eyes, but the tomboy had no idea what she was trying to say.

Even Vivian was a little confused. “Hey, um… look, I wasn’t actually trying to come between you two or anything,” she said, scratching her head. “I was just concerned. You guys are really cute together, I really think that.”

Carly bit her lip and shook her head. “It’s… I really like you Dani, I do. It’s love, I know it is!”

She sounded like she was trying to convince herself, more than she was trying to convince Dani. And Dani picked up on that.

“Carly…”

“Are you okay?” Vivian asked anxiously. The last thing she’d wanted from this conversation was to mess up their relationship. She’d just been trying to get them talking things through, but…

“I’m fine!” Carly snapped. She shook her head. “Look, you’re right, Vivian, okay? Is that what you wanted me to say? When we go back, it won’t matter if it’s Nick, or some other random guy, I’ll sleep with anybody! Dani’s the one I committed to, not him!”

She seized Dani’s hand in hers, and Dani flinched. She could feel the cold sweat on her girlfriend’s palm, and knew she was trying to keep things under control.

Carly was lying. It was written all over her face.

“Carly… do you really mean that?” Dani asked, even though she knew the answer might just break her heart in two.

A horrified look crossed Carly’s face, and she tore her hand back. “How… how could you even ask that?” She demanded. Her eyes began to water. “Do you really not trust me?”

“No, it’s not about not trusting you!” Dani cried. She stepped closer, but stopped herself. “It’s just… Carly, I just want to help…”

Carly wished she could help. But what could Dani do? It felt like anything that happened now, it would just tear Carly’s heart in half.

She fought back her heartbreak and shook her head. “I love you,” she said instead, trying to mask the discomfort in her chest with words of platitude.

It was Vivian who put the pieces together. She realized what Carly was trying to hide. But should I really say anything? Is that really my place?

She glanced from Dani’s anxious face to Carly’s frantic one. Nothing would get better like this.

Ah, fuck it. I’ve already cocked it all up, haven’t I? Might as well.

“It’s a load of bullocks is what it is.”

Carly and Dani jumped at the crass terminology that left the heiress’s lips. They turned to look at her, both confused.

“What?”

“Huh?!”

Vivian focused on Carly. “What she said before, about sleeping around with all sorts of other guys when you two get back… that’s a lie, ain’t it?”

“N-no…” Carly stammered, but not even Dani bought that.

“Carly…”

“I will!” Carly stomped her foot. “I’ll sleep with so many guys! I did it all the time before! I mean it, Dani, Nick’s just another cock to me, he doesn’t mean anything!”

And with that, Dani realized what Carly had been trying to hide, what Vivian had already picked up on.

Carly’s eyes widened when she saw the look of dawning realization on her girlfriend’s face, and her heart sunk in her chest.

“Carly, are you-”

“NO!” Carly shouted, cutting off Dani before she said the words that couldn’t be taken back. “I love you, Dani! I do!”

“She knows that,” Vivian said firmly. “Your feelings for her aren’t what’s in question right now, cosplay girl.”

Dani swallowed the bile welling up in her stomach, and asked the question that she dreaded to hear the answer of.

“Nick isn’t nothing to you, is he?” She whispered. “He’s not just ‘another cock’.”

Carly’s face went as white as a sheet.

“D-Dani…”

She saw her girlfriend putting the pieces together. And it tore her up inside. It tore them both up.

“That’s what happened, wasn’t it?” Dani fought back the pain in her heart and tried to smile, even though she wanted to cry. “That’s why you froze when she asked you about sleeping with other guys instead of Nick, when we get back home… Why you couldn’t answer at first when she asked if you’d stop sleeping with him if I asked…”

“Dani, I swear, it’s not what you think!” Carly wailed, shaking her head frantically. “Look, I just… when Vivian asked me that, I thought for a moment what sleeping with other guys would be like, going back to how I was… I didn’t like it, okay!? That’s all! I thought about not sleeping with Nick anymore and choosing someone else, or multiple people, and I just…”

“You didn’t like it,” Vivian said quietly. “For a moment, you thought about picking another guy over Nick, and you didn’t want that. Which means it’s not just a physical thing between the two of you… There’s an emotional connection there, too.”

Carly hadn’t even realized it until the idea had been put in her mind. Sleeping with another guy instead of Nick… it didn’t disgust her or repulse her, but if she had to choose between Nick and another man… she would choose Nick.

All her talk about love and commitment to Dani… how could she believe that while at the same time having these feelings for a guy?

“I didn’t… I…” Carly’s voice cracked as she tried to explain herself. But what was there to explain? Her own feelings weren’t even being honest with her.

“Carly…” Dani didn’t know what to think either. She stared at her lover’s face and tried to make sense of everything, but all she saw was doubt and hesitation in Carly’s eyes.

What was she supposed to make of that?

“…I’m sorry.” Vivian’s heart-wrenching apology dragged both girls back to the room, and they looked at her with teary eyes. The heiress shook her head. “I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, really, I didn’t… I was just trying to get you two to be more comfortable and open with your relationship… especially you, Dani.”

She couldn’t even look at the tomboy without feeling an immense wave of guilt wash over her.

“Dani…” Carly felt like the worst person in the world. “I’m so sorry… I didn’t know, really, I didn’t… you have to believe me, I still love you! My feelings haven’t changed a bit!”

“You love me… but you also have feelings for Nick… is that right?” Dani was still trying to make sense of that.

“I… I don’t know…” Carly admitted, hanging her head. “I feel awful about this… I don’t know what I feel about him, all I know is that he’s important to me… if I had to choose between him and another guy, I’d choose him, but… I’d choose you first, Dani! Please! You have to believe me!” She grabbed Dani’s hands and held them tight. “If it was between you and him… I choose you!”

“You… really?” Dani could see the honesty pouring out of Carly’s eyes.

“Yes! I mean it! From the bottom of my heart!” Carly’s voice cracked. “Nick, he’s great, but… when I’m with you… when we’re together, playing games, or watching anime, or just talking… there’s nowhere else I’d rather be! I don’t want to lose that over anybody, not even him!”

“Carly…” Dani didn’t know what to say. Deep down, some part of her had always known that Carly’s feelings for Nick weren’t purely physical. And when Carly realized that herself and acknowledged it, Dani wasn’t sure what would happen to them.

She never would have imagined Carly would say something like that, though.

“Listen, I didn’t answer before, because I wasn’t sure, but I am now!” Carly stated, looking deeply into Dani’s eyes. “If you don’t want me to sleep with Nick anymore, then I won’t. It’s fine, I don’t need him! Not like I need you… so please, Dani, is that… is that okay? Can we please be okay?”

Dani knew that Carly wasn’t lying to her. But she might have been lying to herself.

Either way… she was the one who had a choice to make right now.

If she said the word, then Carly would stop sleeping with Nick. The two of them could have each other. It would mean that Carly probably wouldn’t get the same satisfaction of sleeping with a guy… especially not while they were here on Harem Hotel. But Carly would make that sacrifice, just to prove how much she cared about Dani.

And just like that, Dani knew what she wanted.

“It’s okay,” she said finally. “You don’t have to stop sleeping with Nick.”

Carly’s eyes widened. That definitely wasn’t the response she’d expected.

“Wait, really?” Vivian was taken aback as well. “Even though you know she’s got some kind of feelings for him?”

Dani nodded. “What you said just now… the fact that you were willing to give up sleeping with Nick for me… that’s when I knew. I-I’d always doubted it before… in the back of my mind, I was always afraid that if it came down to it, me or him… that you would choose Nick, or boys in general, over me. But now… it’s like none of that even matters anymore.”

Her lips turned up into a warm smile. “Carly… just this, just telling me that I’m enough… I never thought I could be this happy.”

She leaned forward and pressed her lips against the other girl’s in a tender kiss. Carly was caught off-guard for a moment but then she kissed back. It was soft and gentle and only lasted for a few moments, but when they parted they both felt warmth spread through their chests.

“Carly… I love you, no matter what. And I know that you love me. And that’s enough. Even if you’d be happy with just me… Nick makes you happy, too. And I want that for you. I really do. Because when you’re at your happiest, it makes my heart sing. So it’s okay if you want to be with him, since I know… you love me most of all.”

Dani might not ever hold all of Carly’s heart. A part of her knew that Carly couldn’t be caged up and owned like some pet bird. She needed to spread her wings and fly free. And Dani could be comfortable with that now, because she knew that if she let her go… she would return home to Dani to roost.

“You’re still my girlfriend, right?” She asked hopefully, already knowing the answer.

Carly giggled through her tears and hugged Dani tight. “Of course I am, silly… if that’s what you want.”

Dani couldn’t want anything more.