You Can't Say That On TV! (non-canon)

“I’m sorry. I… didn’t know you were taken advantage of like that. **** to be part of this show or else suffer ****. You know, there were things called the Unequal Treaties in that era and…”

Ben stood there, looking at Yuki with sympathy as the vision passed into the ether. He would’ve continued, but he was stopped by Yuki, or more accurately by a loud sound Yuki made.

“Are you reta- BEEP?” Ben was shocked as Yuki spoke, as the sound of a broadcast censor emanated from her mouth as she lipped the words. Yuki for her part looked at a section of the ceiling, as though she was looking at somebody invisible. “Wait, I can’t say ret- BEEP? That doesn’t make any sense, Caprice from 5 seasons ago used to use that word every other word.” Yuki’s voice took on a punkish quality, no, it wasn’t even her voice as there was a deeper timber to it. It was the voice of a contestant from a previous season. “Bro, this shit is sick, absolutely retar- BEEP Yo Re- BEEP. Absolutely bodacious, you know I love r- BEEP shit like this!”

Yuki stops clearly, worked up now. “Wait, I can say shit but not retar- BEEP? What kind of sense does that make?” She stops, looking at the space, her gaze unflinching. “What do you mean that that word is cancellable?” Another pause. “Yes, yes, I know I can only say shit every other episode, but is that really… Oh wow, they get really angry about it… Wait, Saskatoon Sam had to retire? I mean, yeah, it makes sense, and I haven’t been keeping up with him…”

Yuki turns back to Ben. “Fine, fine. Let me be a bit more trite. Do they teach stupid like that or were you born that way?” She looks up at the spot of the ceiling and nods. “That was the completely wrong interpretation. I showed you that to inspire in you a sense that beginnings can be misleading, that even the lowest can become great. Not to provoke some weird pity party because ‘Oh no, you got racisted 150 years ago.’” Yuki’s eyes went to the point on the ceiling, but she quickly ignored the unseen being.

Yuki continues her diatribe. “Now, were my contract terms good when I first came on? Yeah, they weren’t stellar, but not even the white stars were making insane bank. This was the era of… I think they called it the kilted age… oh right, the Gilded Age, robber earls or whatever.” Yuki’s anger seems to hit its zenith before coming down. “Suffice to say, it sucked for everyone.”

“But that’s the thing, kid, shit was bad…” Yuki looked up at the ceiling, scowling. “Stuff was bad, but that just makes you work harder. I worked my ass off for those seasons, and when my initial contract was over, I renegotiated for a bit more. I mean sure, I was still on the side, part of the Concupiscible Coloreds…” Another look at the ceiling, before continuing, “...but I kept putting out seasons, and eventually it didn’t make sense to put me with the others, and by the turn of the century, I was able to start to call my own shots. I was on the upswing, hitting my peak in the 80s and 90s. And then…” Yuki’s anger seems to have dissipated, as she stops.

“Fine. That wasn’t my entire reason to show you that. Do you remember Yataro? He went on to do great things, just like I know you will.” Ben’s blank expression speaks volumes. He had no clue who that was.

Yuki sighed, her hand making a swaying movement, seeming to form a block of ice from nothing. As the block is conjured, the ice mirror seems to reflect a face that is long dead. It was one of the people from Yuki’s past, the one that she had referred to as the tutor. Yuki began, “He…” Now it was Ben’s turn to interject. “HE?” The person in the mirror was very clearly a woman. Yuki smiled. “Yeah, yeah, I did quite a number on him. Some of my finest work, it’s a real shame he reverted after the ritual was broken up. I just wish I could've seen him through to completion, but... well a
nyways, Yataro Iwasaki as you would call him, went on to found a company. From poor farmer to tutor to influential business man, he rose to be a great man. He founded one of the biggest companies in Japan. Mitsubishi.”

Ben looked confused, as he had been ever since the vision had popped. “The car people?” Yuki looked as though she wanted to punch him through the wall. “Yes, the car people. And the missile people. And the chemical people. And the bank people. God, it’s like you’ve never heard of a zaibatsu or a keiretsu…”

Yuki looks annoyed at the ceiling. “Fine, what I’m trying to say is, greatness starts in unexpected places. My entire nation went from weak and waving around swords to fighting the biggest guy in the room, to being the new hotness, to being a tourism mecca. Now, any questions?”

Beaten down, Ben raises his hand like some schoolboy. “So, uh, you’re actually sadistic and cruel and the producers aren’t forcing this on you?”

Yuki laughs. “Oh, Benny boy, you really are a card. I mean yes, the abbreviated season does raise some issues and I wouldn’t have chosen it. But that just means it’s a challenge. And I love challenges. It’s like asking if you can make a full 20 lb turkey in 5 minutes. Normally no. With magic, obviously yes. But what if you couldn’t just snap and have it cooked. What if you had to replace every atom of water with boiling water, what if you had to cook it in the heart of the sun for a few seconds. That type of challenge, to break people into barely more than animals in the span of a small vacation, that’s the type of challenge I live for!”

“So, this wasn’t some tragic backstory?” Ben asked, clearly coming to understand. “God no, I’m a bad bitch and I have been since the start. I only took on that samurai’s wish because I saw the cruelty he was willing to tolerate to survive. To a samurai, no amount of pain was too much, to make sure your clan survived. Fertility and strength were all that mattered. Strength to slay your enemies and rivals, fertility to replace those who failed and didn’t survive. And to an extent, that is still true, even in the modern day. If you’re not strong, you can’t live, if you don’t have kids, to society, your life is pointless. So at the end of the day, I’m really the good guy here.”

Ben looked at Yuki like the monster she was, and Yuki only smiled and daintily laughed.

“Now, now, I didn’t mean for this to become some large portion of the show, but I wanted to set the record straight. Now, as I said before this challenge’s points were determined when our girls bought their gifts. Whoever spent the most won. So without further ado, here are our winners!”

Marika: +10 VP

Monica: +8 VP

Ashley/Callie/Wendy: +6 VP

Yua/Emma: +4 VP

Maricela: +2 VP

“And that leaves us with the following point totals!”

Callie: 77 VP

Monica: 59 VP

Marika: 55 VP

Wendy: 55 VP

Ashley: 53 VP

Maricela: 50 VP

Yua: 48 VP

Emma: 32 VP

“But I must insist we continue on. It’s time for another set of transformations, with our Marika getting a set of boons!”

Ben, who just wants to go to sleep at this point, raises another objection. “But didn’t the girls just go through transformations? Couldn’t we just skip that?”

Yuki taps her finger on her wrist like some invisible watch. “We only have so much time Ben. We need to get your beauties up to snuff, and abbreviated season or no, Yuki turns out some of the most well done sluts around.” Ben couldn’t help but shudder, feeling like the meaning of well done is less quality work and more overcooked.

Yuki suddenly stops, looking at the ceiling in anger. “Wait, you think I should slow down with the transformations? You think we could skip them until after the elimination? I’ve been building up to this though, there’s no way… Ok, yes, but… Oh, like you care about that, you know I’m a workhorse.”

Ben struggles to understand what is happening, as Yuki yells at the ceiling like a crazy woman. But then, she turns to Ben. “Ok, you know what, I can bend to the Master’s wishes just this once. Fine, you want to enjoy your milky goth and that whole mess…” She points vaguely in the direction of Ashley and Wendy, who have vastly changed. “...Fine. But know that I have already made these transformations, and they are coming… after the elimination. I wanted to give your girls a little celebration for surviving the first week, but no, my producer says things like ‘Isn’t it going to be hard to show off all of these changes over the course of a single day before one of them gets nuked into oblivion?’ Well fine then, that’s what I get for being nice.”

“Oh, wait, did I say one of your girls is going to be nuked into oblivion?” Yuki smiles, before making a cute gesture like she is once again acting the over hyper host. “Why, yes I did. One of your girls is going to be eliminated before lunch tomorrow. And the audience will decide who it will be! Don’t worry Ben, you’ll be involved…” Yuki chuckles at this.

Yuki turns to the girls, still suspended in various poses. “So try to think of how each of you can appeal to the audience. It might be the difference between staying with your Master and being knocked out of his harem. Though don’t worry, even if you’re eliminated, it’s not goodbye… most of the time.” Yuki cackled like the evil bitch she is.

“Now, Monica is our final girl to have a night with the Master before one of you is eliminated. I think you’ll be very happy with her, Ben. And Wendy… well, there were only seven days. You get first of next week.” Yuki laughs, knowing she had squirreled in an extra day for her beloved Marika. “Oh well, you can’t win them all, and there’s no way the people want boring old vanilla sex after you already swore yourself to your Master yesterday/two days ago.”

“Now, I believe that takes care of everything on my end. Matane everyone!” Yuki raises her sleeve before hiding her body behind the long sleeve, disappearing as it crosses it. And just as she disappears, the snowglobes pop like they were actually bubbles, all of the girls falling to the ground.

Ben runs to the nearest girl, Yua, taking her into his arms. She looks up, teary eyed. “I’m… I’m safe aren’t I? I… I’ve been a good girl, haven’t I?” Ben looked around, seeing his harem, all looking up from the ground at him. Ben looked at her, and he gave the only reassurance he could think of.

“You’re probably safe… Only one of you is… in danger.” His eyes went to Maricela, who had placed last multiple times in the best girl votes, and then went to Marika. The prophecy came to his mind. Something terrible will happen to me if the audience votes me off.

Yua nods. “Maybe we should all meet up later. Maybe we could come up with some way to please the audience, together?” All of the girls look at Yua, before nodding at their once boss.

Though Ben has to wonder. Shouldn’t the girls try to appeal to the audience separately. After all… one of them will be gone tomorrow.

And with that, Ben clutches Yua more tightly than ever against him, afraid of losing any of his coworkers, his girls, and he feels the urge to protect what is his.

(I don't know if this chapter is up to my usual standards, but I wanted to post this today because I keep sitting on this chapter, thinking it will get better, working on it, then cringing, then quitting. So maybe this is a bad chapter, but I'm fine with that.

So... I was thinking about something. Given how slow my output has become, I wanted to ask, would people be upset if I shortened the season even further? If instead of ending after two weeks Yuki is shocked as the producer instead says that this is a first to 100 season, where the season ends the second somebody hits 100 points? Part of me feels like it's a betrayal, that after everybody else wrote months and months of days on their shows, I can't swallow two weeks. But part of me feels like at the rate I'm going I'll retire before I finish this story. So vote below...

https://strawpoll.com/bVg8oezrrnY

Uh, I don't know about what else to say. Feel free to leave comments, I guess? Bye?)