We got to install microwave ovens. Custom kitchen deliveries. We got to move these refrigerators. We got to move these color TVs

Christian Slater, the aging bastard son of Jack Nicholson (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) is sitting at a patio table of an outdoor cafe sipping an espresso. He’s dressed moderately well and has his trademark sardonic grin plastered on his face as he turns to the camera.

“Hey buddy. Now that you’re over 30 and have finally decided to move out of your parents’ basement unless you’re couch surfing you need some things to furnish the studio apartment with the view of a sewage treatment plant that you’re paying $1200/month for. Most of your furnishings you can get by dumpster diving at your local college or stealing lawn furniture from the closest upper middle class neighborhood, but one thing you don’t want to get that way is a mattress. For that, Casper is the answer.

“Not only are they (allegedly) super comfortable, but they ship directly to your door, so you can avoid the bedbugs and cum stains that would be on anything you pulled out of the trash, and you can continue being an introverted fuck. Hell, they’re so easy to order that you can do it while waiting on mana regen during a WoW raid with your “friends” (whom you’ve never even met and who all live in their parents’ basements. And no, the Druid healer you’ve been ‘married’ to for the last three years is not, in fact, a girl). No COVID-19, no bedbugs, no jizz splatter that you won’t put their yourself while jerking off to cosplay sissy porn. Total win-win.”

Slater stands after finishing his espresso, pays with a hundred dollar bill, and leaves the cafe. As he’s walking away the camera focuses in on his face again. “As for me, I’m not about to spend three mortgage payments on a mattress, but you really should, Princess. Just don’t buy a My Pillow. That guy’s a dick.”

The camera follows Slater for a second before fading to black.

• Bulk pack of Trojan condoms: $30

Cash register in a Walgreens. Ringing up said condoms.

• Black market penicillin: $65

Mouse arrow clicking on a “Buy Now” button. Masculine hands holding a badly badly beaten airmail package.

• Round-trip airfare to Bangkok: $2393

Plane taking off and flying into the sky.

• 4 night stay at Shanghai Mansion Bangkok: $223

Shots of the interior of the aforementioned hotel.

• The look in your Thai ladyboy hooker’s eyes as you give her a facial: Priceless

Ejaculation on an attractive if androgynous Asian’s face while the following voiceover is heard from a male with a deep voice and an Oxford accent.

“Better bring cash. Thai rentbois don’t use Square or accept BitCoin. For everything else, there’s Mastercard. “

(Title: “Money For Nothing” by Dire Straits)