What

This was such a bizarre pivot for this conversation that the only thing I could do was blankly stare at Beatrice.

The ex-witch did not like that. With an annoyed groan she asked again. “How often does little Mari need to go potty per day? And how long does he tinkle and make poopie?”

Please never use these words ever again. “W-why do you even need to…what?”

Beatrice looked more pissed(heh) by the second. “Time per day spend on the toilet. NOW!”

I decided that answering was the wisest course of action. “Uhh, around four times per day...so maybe four minutes? I guess? What’s this about?”

“Is five minutes”, Aiju corrected. “Mari leaks water six times a day. Only pooped once. Five minutes.”

“Only once?”, Fisti raised an eyebrow. “Ya know, that is why it’s so important to chew yer food.”

“While the data is as of yet rather limited, I can corroborate this”, Maria confirmed with a bright smile. “And please have no fear. The stool sample we collected indicates that Master Beta’s digestion system is not only fully functional but above the national average of a Helmanian young male.”

There are so many things wrong with this conversation that I don’t even know where to begin.

“I see, I see.”, Bea nodded and started to mumble to herself. “Seventy, give or take Hold on. Have to put a buffer in. Re-aclimation. One? No, two. His pathetic mental state requires it. Plus the logistical setup...You there, maid!”

Maria, not missing a beat, politely nodded. “Yes, my lady?”

“We need food and water. About a months worth, for one person. Needs to be easy to transport and highly nutritional. And make it snappy!”

Despite the absolutely insane request Maria merely smiled. “It will be ready in 20 minutes.” The maid bowed and wandered off.

“Bea will get fat if she eats that much food”, Aiju remarked, to which the witch cackled.

“Have no fear, this is for Mari.”

“Don’t want Mari to get fat either”, Aiju responded.

Then the mumbling started again. “After ten, two and half to work with? Less then expected, inside acceptable range...that lazy Mari will simply have to...business expeditiously. Hm, yes, yes, jolly good.”

“What the hell have ya lunatics planned now!”, Fisti let out a scream of impatience. I can't say I blame her. I was close to screaming myself.

Bea meanwhile seemed very pleased with herself. “Whelp, we have to wait for the food anyways, so would you care to provide these unworthy peons with the details for Operation Snake Eater, Femto?”

“Sure”, the Devil gave us a fiendish grin. “It's very simple: You, Sir, are in the privileged position to take a trip to the black void. Tour guide: Me! In theory, I can take you to the void for basically all eternity, but you still need food and take care of your bodily functions. And yes, I do care if you piss and shit all over my void, so you will return back to this dimension for that. Naturally, this limits our honeymoon time. If we begin our not all inclusive adventure once the maid has our rations ready...Oh, I guess you get about 30 days worth of training? Give or take?”

“The black void”, Fisti mused. “That’s where ya put the slaver and Sanakia in, right? How’s it in there, anyways?”

“Oh, I could never even begin to explain the wonders of it”, Femto chuckled. “But I can show you the void. Shining, shimmering, splendid. Actually, no, it’s none of that. It’s black and voidy. Anywaaays, moving things along, that’s the gist of the whole shebang. How’s it sound, hermano?”

Absolutely atrocious. I attempted to make sense of all this nonsense. “So, basically you are offering to train me in this void of yours for 30 days in the art of fighting blindly.”

“Sir, do I look like an intern to you?”

“What?”

“Then why do you think I work for free?” Femto laughed. “Ah, just a bit of business humor. Don’t sweat it, forget it. Enjoy the show. But seriously, I ain’t doing squat. The training part is all you.

Weeeeell, I guess technically I’m still a bit peeved about how you screwed me out of a soul.

May or may not use the time to **** you a little, but that’s all.”

That's all.

Beatrice cackled. “This is the most ingenious part of my Operation Snake Eater! As a Devil, Femto is legally prohibited from providing any favors without sufficient compensation. Hence, we flip the script! This is not a favor! This is Femto taking **** by viciously torturing you! What do you think everyone? Isn’t it spectacular? Aren’t you amazed?”

“That is the most insane load of nonsense I heard all day!”, Fisti roared. “How the hell is Mari supposed to fight after ya crippled him for a month?

“Your concern for Mari’s well-being is adorable but unwarranted.”, Bea sighed. “The pain will be purely on a mental level. There will be no physical injuries. Besides if it's too much Mari can always return to this dimension right away.”

“The safeword is I'm a little sissy princess”, Femto added helpfully.

“And besides”, the ex-witch continued. “There is another very important reason for the ****. As a matter of fact it is the most elegant part. Care to take a guess?”

“How could **** possible be…”

“Did your brain just leak out of your ears or something? Honestly.” Beatrice shook her head. “The trigger, you buffoon!”

“T-the trigger?”

“If I had to hazard a guess, it’s to break you, Daddy.”

Cassandra, very notably without Sanakia, casually strolled back into the living room. “They plan to beat that trigger right out of you. Make your mind go so blank anything snakedick girl has pushed in there is squeezed right out. **** is very good at that.”

“That is insane!”, Fisti shouted. “He will go mad!”

“Maybe?”, Femto shrugged. “I promise it will hurt you much more then me.”

“Madness. Yer all bloody mad!”, Fisti crossed her arms in that typical stubborn pose of hers. “Mari, ya can’t possibly agree to this!”

“I...I agree!”, Sanakia stammered as she(now dressed again but very, very flushed) joined us. “Devils are prone to lying!”

“Femto doesn’t lie”, Beatrice sighed, once more shaking her head. “Honestly. I thought we established that by now.”

“Says the lass who got fooled by her!”

“I like Femto”, Aiju added, not really interested in the whole discussion. But that was still more engagement then Cassandra who swiftly returned to the breakfast table and enjoyed the remaining food.

“Mari”, Beatrice addressed me once more. “My plan is flawless except for one small detail. You.”

...can I hit her?

“Frustratingly, I can’t **** you to just hop in the void and you have proven to be a rather unruly minion. But this is it. There will be no Plan C. All I can ask of you is that you trust me with this.”

Trust, huh?

I concede that Beatrice genuinely thinks this is the best way forward. Bu this isn’t really about her. Femto, despite her carefree, jovial manner is a vicious Devil who was very upset with me for withholding Beatrice’s soul. If I step into her void I might very well be at her mercy. No, I absolutely will be at her mercy. I have to trust a being that absolutely should not be trusted.

On the other hand, my chances of defeating my Queen without that “training” are very slim.