Scene 13

Sitting in the dentist chair Lincoln had his mouth open wide, half his mouth numb as he got the first half of his yearly cleaning. He never understood why insurance companies made you do half one day and half another or they wouldn’t pay and if they wouldn’t pay there was no point in insurance. He still had the shittiest of the options only being an intern, he hadn’t considered the benefits of the new position he was offered till now as he sat in the chair with nothing else to do other than think. The money had been the biggest draw of course, that and the fear that if he passed this up he would never come close to a position like this in his life. Most people who got to that level were some rich person's kid, or went to school with one of those rich kids. Him… well he literally lucked into it. Mr. Dunn had made it clear he didn’t want him because of his skills, but he didn’t really think any executive got their job because of their resume.

“I will be right back, I’m sorry. Someone needs a consult and they are being rather persistent.” Lincoln nodded to the dentist looming over him, holding up his hand, giving the rail thin woman a thumbs up instead of trying to talk with half his mouth numb and a suction tube in his mouth to keep him from drooling all over himself. As he sat there, the more he thought about the job, the more his thoughts went to Jacqueline. How his friend had changed into a completely different person, he really hadn’t changed he supposed. This was who he always was, at least inside, now he could just show it to the world. He was happy to have been part of allowing them to feel comfortable to come out, he was also really happy to be there when she wanted to try sexual things. Lincoln wasn’t ready to put his mouth to work like she had for him, god he wanted a repeat of that day in the supply closet. She had been so demanding, and then when he had cummed on her panties, not only was she not mad, she said they should do it again and… his mind just kept going through the fun he had with her.

Last night was different, at the mention of make up sex from Madison he had been over eager and Jacqueline had turned him down hard, acting like she never wanted him to touch her like that. It was a hard blow, but it was his own fault. She didn’t owe him anything, not sex, not a blow job. He wasn’t going to be one of those guys that thought just because he bought a girl dinner that she owed him anything and he really needed to remember that desperation was one of the quickest ways to turn a girl off. Still though, she had told him how the two of them were going to get engaged and married, that wasn’t something Jackson, Jaqueline, Jackie… he had read that calling a transgendered person by the name they were born with was called using their dead name, so he needed to be better about that. He thought he had been good about it, but he also knew he had caught himself thinking of his friend as Jackson more than once. He also needed to ask her if she preferred Jaqueline or Jackie. Lincoln thought Jaqueline was much prettier, probably why she chose it, but it was her name and should be called what she wanted.

Lincoln sat there in silence for a second, the only sound in the room coming from the suction tube in his mouth as he realized his mind went off on a tangent. He really didn’t feel ready to marry, it wasn’t like he could get cold feet without throwing so much away and if he did how would Jacqueline feel? Probably betrayed, he assumed. Waking up to his alarm with his arm around her waist felt so normal. ‘Do I have real feelings for her?’

By the time the dentist had come back and finished Lincoln was still ruminating on that thought. The pranks hadn’t happened in a while, not since things changed, they could be annoying, but also they added a little fun to his days when he looked back on them. At the time of the pranks, not so much, but putting them in the context of Jacqueline they felt more endearing. The more he thought about anything really in that context felt that way, like sharing a wine bottle, when they just passed it between themselves drinking from the bottle when they had snagged it from work outside a conference when, along with the uneaten food from a meeting.

Getting into his car, Lincoln tapped both hands on the steering. “Fuff…” He touched one hand to the numb side of his jaw, his lips hardly able to feel his fingers at all. ‘Can’t even say fuck right, okay, okay. I do, I really do like her.’ Lincoln already knew he was attracted to Jacqueline, the way she looked was incredible. When she was walking around their apartment cleaning in her high heels he had to move a pillow over his groin at one point so she and Madison wouldn’t notice the bulge in his pants and he was friends with Jack… Jacqueline for a reason. It wasn’t just because they were stuck together in that intern cubicle, that and hardly being paid sure started things, but they were friends and when he put the two together. ‘Yeah, shit. I want to date her.’

When he got back to the office Lincoln went right for her desk, wanting to tell her what he had come to realize. He didn’t want to say it like that, but he wanted Jacqueline to know that he did more than just accept her as she was, he wanted to date her for real. Coming up to the desk though he found it empty, he figured she was off running an errand so he waited and he waited a little longer when she still didn’t show back up. Feeling awkward he considered calling her, but if she was just doing something around the office her purse with her phone would be in her desk. So he walked up to their boss's door and knocked.

“You can come in.” A baritone voice called out from the other side of the door, so Lincoln opened it, stepping in to see his boss Mr. Dunn sitting at his desk. “Ah, there you are…” Alexander snapped his fingers once trying to remember the young man’s name. “Hatchet, I suppose you want to get started on that training.”

“Hatch, sir.”

“Pardon?”

“My last name, its Hatch.” Lincoln said, straightening his back. ‘If I’m going to have his job I have to be able to stand up for myself.’

“Yes, my mistake. Close the door and sit down, we can talk about more of the details for your upcoming promotion.” Turning to the side Lincoln closed the door before moving towards the comfortable looking chairs opposite the desk.

“I was umm actually hoping you could tell me where Jacquline had gotten off to?” Alexander drummed the fingers of one hand on his desk, raising an eyebrow.

“The two of you are together and she didn’t tell you about going off to see her doctor or shrink or what have you? Lincoln quickly nodded.

“Yeah, of course we are, I just didn’t know she got in to see anyone.” Dunn leaned forward in his chair, putting his elbows on his desk as he steepled his fingers.

“I assume she is the one you plan on marrying then?” Lincoln found himself swallowing, the man’s words felt more like some sort of accusation than a question.

“Yes sir.”

“Huh… alright, well to each their own I suppose, but you should make sure she is more discreet with your little office trysts. That's all…” Alexander made a motion in the direction of the wall. “They, them… the gossips are talking about this morning.”

“It is!?” Lincoln’s eyebrows shot up, surprised his friend would be talking about their love life like that. “She… we will do better.”

“Good, see that you do. It will be much harder for you to hold others' respect if rumors like that keep up and if you can’t keep your employees under control, then you wouldn’t be right for the position. So her legs should stay shut around the office, understand?”

Two blocks away from the Florida downtown Mega Corp office Jackson sat on the edge of a comfortable brown leather couch, legs crossed at the knee and back ramrod straight. He sat across from a counselor at one of the therapists offices HR had suggested he attend. On short notice the office's two therapists weren’t able to fit him in, but they had a new counselor that was able to see him. Jackson wasn’t really sure what the difference was between a therapist and a counselor, other than the office wasn’t willing to send in any prescriptions without him coming in for a visit.

The girl, young woman… Jackson wasn’t exactly sure her age other than she looked to be around her late twenties to him. She wore her hair in a bob with a side part, it came down halfway down her neck. It made him feel all sorts of things that the woman he went to see to talk about his feelings had a similar hairstyle to himself and that she was dressed much more professionally than himself, mostly. She had on a white collarless blouse, a light gray fitted blazer, a fitted short charcoal gray pencil skirt and a pair of black heels that looked as high as his own, but also had half an inch to an inch platform in front. She had seemed nice enough when introducing herself to him, but still she was here to appraise him and he couldn’t let her pretty hazel eyes find out the truth.

It had been pointed out to him that they had to actually believe he wanted to be a woman. ‘God I can’t wait for this to be over!’ he smiled once more at the girl, blinking a few times as he released he completely missed what she had just said. “I’m sorry, what was that doctor?”

“I was just telling you that it is okay for you to relax here, this is a safe space, and again. I’m not a doctor, but I am here to help you. I’m Kimberly, but everyone calls me Kimmy. I see on the paperwork you are going by Jacqueline, is that what you would like me to call you?” Jackson shrugged his shoulders at the question.

“Sure.” He said, wanting to tell her no, that isn’t my name, but he had to play things close to the lie. Kimmy gave her new patient an encouraging smile, making a mental note that she was still getting used to her new name. She liked to record her sessions and transcribe them later so anyone she was talking to felt they were just here having a conversation rather than being judged.

“Do you know what you would like to talk about today? Or would you like me to start?” Jackson opened his mouth ready to ask about Xanax again. ‘Is that **** seeking behavior? I am seeking them, but would that mean I can’t get them?’ Seeing the girl almost start Kimmy leaned forward in her seat to appear more engaging with the pretty blonde girl in front of her. She was surprised the paperwork said her new patient was just starting out her journey considering how she looked. “How about we start with what you told the receptionist, that you wanted to get a refill on your prescription for Xanax.”

Clasping his hands together in his lap Jackson ran the pad of his thumb over his smooth long nail on the other thumb nervously as she just came out and said the thing he was thinking about like she could read his mind, making him even more nervous. “Umm yeah, I had a perscrip… actually no. I was taking my sisters medication to help me handle… umm everything.”

“It can be tough, especially when you are just starting out, but you have to remember that you have already taken some of the hardest steps and that you are incredibly brave for what you have done already.” Jackson gave her an uncomfortable smile, things were definitely hard, but he sure as heck didn’t feel brave.

“Don’t need to be brave when you are taking two Xanax at a time to get through the day.” Jackson said, pressing his puffy lips together. “But I don’t really have that now.”

“You appear to be a strong beautiful woman to me Jacqueline, you put yourself together nicely…I just love your outfit,” Kimmy said trying to validate Jacqueline’s femininity, “…and I was going to wait till we were done today, but where did you get those cute shoes?”

Jackson looked past his current massive chest, down his dress covered body to the glossy red heels on his feet. He would much rather see them on Kimmy than himself, the thought of that allowed him to give the girl a genuine smile. Kimmy took notice and made another mental note about how Jacqueline took pride in her appearance.

“Umm they actually belong to my sister, I will ask her about them and let you know. Me, having to keep coming back here in all, from what I understand.”

“I would love that, thank you and yes. From what I understand your office is paying for your visits and they would like you to keep coming, but you don’t have to think about that as a negative thing. You can come in here and just vent, you can tell me about all the frustrations in your life without having to worry about anyone judging you. What would you say are your top three worries today?”

Jackson slid back on the couch, letting his back rest as he let out a long sigh. “Other than getting the medication?” Kimmy nodded, deciding she was going to put in a recommendation for Zoloft for the girl, it would help with her anxiety and was less ripe for ****. “You mentioned my high heels.” Jackson slowly blinked before correcting himself. “My sister's heels are a problem, the breast forms are another and oh… I can’t forget about what happened at the office this morning.”

“What happened this morning?” Kimmy asked in a gentle tone trying to both listen to what she was saying and what it meant. Jacqueline was upset that she had to borrow shoes from her sister instead of having what she needed on her own and wasn’t happy with having a fake chest instead of something real.

“You… you can’t tell anyone, okay?” Kimmy shook her head, giving the blonde girl a reassuring smile.

“Everything you say with me is privileged information, I promise you that this is a safe space.”

“A guy at work kissed me today, and I think it was because he thought I was coming on to him because I sat with my legs apart.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“Crazy! Horrified! I’m not used to sitting, well like this. He is just a friend, we went out for drinks last week and a movie and everything was fine and then I went and did that.

“Sounds like you will be more mindful in the future, for everyone there is a learning curve, but you’re adapting it seems so far” When Kimmy saw her nod she continued on. “Tell me about the man who kissed you.”

Jackson looked up at the ceiling tiles as he fluttered his lashes picturing the man.

“Well, it isn’t just him, my best friend has also kissed me, but that is because he is pretending to be my boyfriend to keep creeps away, but Abe is umm. Tall, confident, he has one of those squared jaws that you would see on a movie star and somehow how he pulls off wearing thick rimmed glasses and he laughs at all my jokes.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Jackson wrinkled his forehead, shaking his head twice.

“No, pretend boyfriend. We went out on one date to show people we were together and we hold hands at work and okay we sleep in the same bed, but that is only because my sister is staying with us now. It isn’t anything real, other than what we did…” Jackson looked at the girl across from him sheepishly.

“Go on.” Kimmy said, making more mental notes.

“He was talking about seeing another girl so I umm kind of gave him a blow job.” Kimmy raised her eyebrows at the confession. “I can’t believe I said that out loud, I am so embarrassed!” Jackson covered his face with his hands.

“It sounds like that was hard to say.” Jackson shifted his fingers to peek out between them for a second before removing them from his face.

“You have no idea.”

“If it is hard to say and it is bothering you, then that is what I’m here for. Tell me, does it bother you the idea of your friend being with someone else?”

“Yeah, kind of, but there is a lot more to it.”

“Jacqueline, your emotions are valid, what you feel is real and it is okay to feel the way you do. Okay?” Jackson nodded, even though he really didn’t understand or at least he was sure she didn’t, but he didn’t want to get into the weird story about Lincoln almost getting engaged to his sister but now instead will be getting engaged to him. Kimmy looked up at the clock on the wall behind the couch her patients sat on. She had placed it there so none of her patients would feel rushed, but with her fitting Jacqueline in today they didn’t have nearly as long as she would like for a first session.

“We unfortunately don’t have much time left today, but I can say I will say after speaking with you today I will make a few recommendations. I’m thinking Zoloft might be right for you.”

“Is that better than Xanax?” Jackson asked, his eyes opening up more with hope of getting something so he didn’t feel like the world was either checking him out or seeing right through his disguise.

“I think it will be better for you, but in the end it will be up to the doctor to decide and I think it would be a good idea to start HRT to help alleviate your other feelings, like with your chest. Can I ask you why you chose to go with those size breast forms?” Jackson looked down at the things glued to him, feeling the straps of the bra digging into his shoulders.

“Ahh well I was telling my sister how some of the other secretaries around the office looked and that turned into her buying these, well I bought them, it was my money and then because I suddenly got bigger I had to tell people I was thinking about getting implants to be D-cup and well that is how I ended up having to buy a whole new set of bras, when I don’t really need them at all. Will HRT help with these?” He asked not sure what HRT was other than maybe a brand name of breasts, getting something smaller would be amazing. “Is it something we can do right away or will it take time?” Kimmy gave the girl a lopsided grin, she knew from personal experience that it was never fast enough.

“It can take time and is just one step towards what you would like, as many will tell you…your mileage may vary.” Kimmy said with an all too personal recollection of the process.

Jackson let out a sigh, he thought he had done well towing the line between “I’m trans I swear, please give me pills” and “wanting to slow things down.” No more massive chest, no more super high heels, if he got a note or something from the therapist office that HR had sent him to then they would have to let him dial it back.

“I know things don’t always go at the speed we want, but I will make sure to put in the notes what you feel you are ready for.”

“Can I get all that today?” Jackson asked, eager to get something to allow him to dial back his feminization.

Kimmy pursed her lips together, it becoming clear Jacqueline either had a focus problem or had a hard time digesting new information. Impatience was a problem with transgender people once they have discovered themselves.

“Well, that depends on when you can get in to see your primary or endocrinologist.” Jackson fidgeted with his nails again.

“Okay, work had a list of two I could see… think I could get in to see one of them today?”

Kimmy stood up from her seat, stepping closer and holding out her hands to help her patient stand up. She had only recently got her degree in order to help people like herself, moving from California to Florida was a big move, but she knew the southern states had less help for people like herself and Jacqueline so this is where she should be. “Let me pull up your file and see if I can make a few phone calls for you. No promises, but I will see if either can get you in for a last minute appointment.