A Hit Of Nostalgia

Walking into the fair tonight on my birthday was a gut punch of a moment. It was one of those perfect moments where memory comes crashing down over you with a healthy wave of nostalgia. A time where you're so drawn into the moment that you're very nearly drawn back into the past and pinned down by it.

You can feel everything. You can see everything. And you can't shake the feeling that you've been there before.

The fair had always been run by people who came in from out of town to operate it. Call them carnies or whatever you want to, I'd never spared a thought to it. They were the ones who ran the rides and who set up and tore down the tents. They weren't a part of the community on an ordinary day but for those few days that the fair was in town they felt closer and more familiar than my neighbors ever had.

Fact was it was entirely reasonable for this fair to be coincidentally run by all the same people who had run the one of my childhood. The city I lived in now might be on the other side of the country from my home town, but they traveled for a living. It was certainly and absolutely possible that the feelings I was having right now were just reflections of that, just deja vu and nothing more.

But I couldn't shake the fact that it was something more.

When I smelled the popcorn and when I touched the fabric of the tents. When I heard the sounds of laughter and joy around me and when the lightbulbs burned bright overhead I knew it wasn't just the same company, the same troupe. It was the same exact experience.

Exactly.

The experience was more than disorienting, it was disarming and distracting. It was dizzying in the way it wrapped me up and made me ignore everything else, all the obvious signs practically slapping me in the goddamn face.

I kept moving forward, drawn into the depths of this circus of lights and delights. I put one front in front of the other and I marveled at the experience pushing in on me, never once stopping to ask why or how.

How did a whole circus fit in an alleyway? How did this make any sense at all?

Hitting the broad center lane of the fair I saw the ferris wheel rise ahead of me and I craned my neck to take it all in. The crowd rushed around me, the heads faceless but I didn't notice. I just stretched my arms out a little and smiled, finding my peace in it for an instant before I realized what the opportunity offered me.

A life lived without regrets is an impossibility. Everyone makes a mistake, chooses not to take a chance when they should have leapt forward without looking. No one always does what they want to do, just like no one ever does what they always must.

But there are always extremes. There are people who only ever take chances and then there are those like me. I never came close to pushing the limits and I had lived so conservatively, from such a young age.

I'd always followed the rules, even when I was in a place of excitement and excess.

Running now. Pushing forward without thinking. Feet pounding on the packed dirt as the stars fought hard to prick and shine through the bright lights overhead.

Passing by games and passing by rides. The barkers calling out at me and trying to lure me in, trying to tempt me when I'd spent a life avoiding temptation.

Not any more.

No I was an adult now and that meant I could make my own choices. I could rush through the crowds, bowling over and pushing people aside in my **** bid to reach the back corner where the light barely crept in. That little tent, heady with smoke that was visible even through the lacy curtains. Lit by candles rather than fluorescent bulbs and not nearly as over the top in its excess but representing a far greater threat to my conservative and religious parents.

Don't tempt the devil, they had told me, do not dabble in the dark arts.

But they couldn't stop me now. No one could stop me but me as I pulled up outside the tent of the psychic, took a long deep breath, and parted the curtains to step inside.

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