Dem’s da rulez.

Each of the seven contestants came back to consciousness simultaneously in the darkened conference room. The only illumination was from a slide projector, shooting its beam of light onto a retractable screen. As grogginess gave way to awareness and ultimately panic, each of them discovered that they were bound and gagged,

“Each of you has been chosen for two reasons.” The sweet and lilting Swiss accent of Heidi boomed out from behind the group. “The first is that each of you has a regret, a fear, a wish of some sort that is overriding in its intensity, that paralyzes or drives you. Something you are running from or too.”

On the screen the words:

Reason 1:

Overriding emotional need

The stocky neckbeard with the fedora came into view with a long wooden pointer and tapped the screen next to the words.

“Thank you Gluggagægir. The second, and more important reason is that you have caught the attention of a very special someone. Someone who will soon become the most important person in your life!”

Reason 2:

You are special!

Gluggagægir again tapped the screen, and let out a disconcerting high pitched giggle.

Heidi continued on. “So, my darlings, because of these two reasons, you have been chosen, unbeknownst to the special special man, and brought here to this lavish ski resort and chalet to compete for his affections and the right to be first among equals in his harem! Isn’t that wonderful?”

The projected slides began to shift through the various facilities afforded by the resort. The contestants listened in horror as Heidi cheerfully continued.

“Over the next seven weeks you will be guests here, and all your needs will be seen to by our charming staff.” Gluggagægir tipped his hat, as twelve more neckbeards in various hipster fashions faded in from the darkness. “During that time you will participate in various activities and fun little games for the pleasure of Our Special Man and of course our viewers at home.”

The slides scrolled through pictures of ski slopes and chair lifts, an Alpine slide, hot tubs and swimming pools.

“Oh! Did I forget to mention that this is a reality TV show? Silly me! It IS! You’re all going to be STARS! Isn’t that simply perfect?”

A formal dining room, a roaring fireplace, a sauna.

“Each week you’ll all compete in two contests, the first of which will be a fun game resulting in the contestant chosen as best by the audience receiving a quasi magical boon that will help you in furthering your efforts to woo Our Special Man!”

An illustration of the Fairy Godmother and Cinderella. Oddly Cinderella’s tits are clearly on display.

“All of the rest of you will be lovingly remolded and shaped in some way to make you more to His liking!”

An animated slide of a black and white drawing of a woman transforming from rail thin to zaftig and busty.

“The second round of each week will be the elimination round! But don’t worry! The audience probably won’t vote to outright kill you!”

An image of a giant house cat, jaws open and ears laid back in anger.

“But wait! There’s more! The final winner will be chosen by Our Special Man, and that winner, that lucky person, will have their dreams come true! Or at least one of them. The winner will not only be the favored member, first among equals in the harem of Our Special Man, but they will also receive a wish! A wish for anything they can imagine. And it’ll come true!”

The image on the screen shifted to the scene from Pinocchio where the Blue Fairy changes the wooden puppet to a real boy.

“And here is Our Special Man!”

A picture of Bob’s driver’s license photo. Driver’s license photos are never flattering, and this was no exception. He looked haggard. Aged. Tired.

Reactions to the reveal varied from confusion in KJ and Alicia, to curiosity in Robin and Kayla, shock in Darlene and Morgan, and outright horror in Cassie.

“That’s right, my dears! Our Special Man, the Master of this edition of Harem Hotel: Alpine Chalet, is none other than Bob Dobbs!” Heidi’s demeanor swiftly changed from that of an enthusiastic infomercial pitch actress to that of a stern teacher. “Now, you have fifteen minutes for wardrobe, hair, and makeup. The Lads will assist.”