Ruby

The Harem Hotel music plays and a splash of the logo wipes the screen, revealing Al and Ruby sitting nearly shoulder-to-shoulder both grinning at the camera, equally convinced their team has absolutely slayed the date challenge and the other bombed it horribly. The shot pulls back to reveal they are both behind an anchor’s desk which sits outdoors on a stage built atop the projection booth for a large drive-in movie theater screen. There are chairs set up for the seven contestants and Michael, but none are currently present. The asphalt lot has been long since buried by the shifting desert, but the screen has been restored and springs to life as the projector kicks on. Lacking any cars, the staff have set up and occupied lawn chairs and picnic blankets in the sand to watch the recap of the last two days' events. It’s the ‘morning’, which in the Hotel’s topsy-turvy state means the sun has set over the mountains and the lights come on.

“Welcome back to Harem Hotel, where we’ve concluded the second-challenge of our contest. And it was quite the wild ride!” Ruby said. Two small boom mics rest on the table in front of them. “To catch everyone back up, the challenge was to take Master Michael out on dates as a team, taking the opportunity to get to know him a little better.”

“Or a lot better, in some cases.” Al said. Ruby could see his eyebrow twitch as he winked at the audience, but behind the glasses the effect was lost. She involuntarily groaned, hoping that the boom mic missed it.

“Indeed, Al.” Ruby stage-smiled again. “Before we send it to you at home for your votes, let’s recap all the action!” A small box appeared on the screen over her shoulder, above which read Luciana, showing a replay of Michael and Luciana emerging into the Miami sunlight. “As you’ll surely recall, yesterday’s fun started with Luciana taking Michael home to meet her dad! She had so many lovely conversations with Roberto and Michael. I know it touched my heart.” Ruby said, taking both her hands to her sternum and affecting a lovestruck expression.

“It’s good that it did, Rubes, because nothing else got touched whatsoever. We had to give her a pity point for kissing Michael on the cheek.”

“That was so sweet though.” Ruby said, still pretending to swoon.

“Luciana’s episode was so chaste they could have screened it for the Pope.” Al gave an exaggerated two thumbs down. “And even he would have said it wasn’t hot enough!”

The text on-screen faded and was replaced by Sarah and Janet, cutting to show Sarah opening the box in the restaurant.

“The next date was crazy even by Harem Hotel standards! Sarah and Janet took Michael to an incredible steakhouse in Sarah’s home state of Wyoming. But that simple setup doesn’t mean there were simple results! Just after the main course, one of the fine products sold right here on Harem Hotel grounds made a dramatic entrance!” Ruby timed her line to end just as the rope attacked Sarah, shredding her clothes and causing a ruckus among the diners. “That will be a night none of them will ever forget!”

“If we allowed them to remember. Which we don’t, Rubes.” Al said.

“It’s a figure of speech, Al.”

“Oh, I know a few of those, baby! Like the expression ‘A happy accident.’ Janet and Sarah were on the express-train to snoozeville until Sarah’s interest payment kicked off just in the nick of time.”

“The fans should vote based on what happened Al, not on what could have happened.”

“Well that doesn’t speak well for your girl Luciana, does it? Moving on…”

Danica appeared, both in text and on the big screen.

“And to cap the evening, Michael and Danica re-connected in the Master’s suite.” Ruby said, quieting for a moment to let the wolf-whistles of the crowd accompany the video of Michael cuffing and blindfolding Danica. “Danica may have had the roughest start of any of our competitors, but she came on strong this round! I think we will see a much more focused and dedicated performance from her going forward.”

“I think we’ve seen quite a lot of Danica, wouldn’t you agree?” Al pumped his arms, trying to whip up the crowd,, but they were still watching the video of Danica and Michael making love on the large screen behind the hosts and ignored him. “She came in here with the easiest path into Michael’s pants and still took forever to find the zipper! She got a free pass for failing the first challenge and had to strip naked just to avoid elimination!”

She got an extra day because you fucked up the premiere. Ruby thought, the smile never leaving her face.

“Not all of our contestants embrace the Harem Hotel experience right away, Al. Some girls take a little time to enjoy the romance of it all, and the fans do too.”

“Pfft. Romance in an eight year marriage. You know it’s called the Seven-Year Itch, right Rubes? A vote for Danica ia a vote for vanilla ice cream, filing your taxes early, and listening to Kenny G.” Al slapped the table with excitement. “Now for the good stuff!”

The big screen showed Ronnie and Michael, walking happily on the sidewalk in New Orleans.

“No, I said the good stuff!” Al yelled to the nearby projection booth. The film accelerated unnaturally and fast-forwarded to Ronnie’s **** climax. “Perfect!” Al gave them the thumbs up. “You said you wanted Romance? Ronnie’s date had everything, Rubes. Dancing, passionate kissing, and confessions for all you broads, a babe cumming her brains out on Carrollton Avenue for all the fellas. 10 out of 10.”

“Romance, Al? What kind of romantic date involves a visit to the swamp and a grave site? Not even Vanessa on “Bros to Hoes” could find something nice to say about that. Ronnie’s date was a total downer for the viewers.” Ruby crossed her arms, still seething over the fact that Rhonda was even in this show.

“Rubes, the Harem Hotel franchise has something for everyone. We’ve even got a successful show going right now with a bunch of resurrected queens whose names you forgot after you failed high school history. Am I right?” Al once again turned to the crowd behind him for support and once again was ignored.

“He gave her a book, Al. A kid’s book.”

“It’s not a kid’s book!” Al crackled with indignation. “It deals with very adult themes of jealousy, guilt, loss…” Al looked around at the astonished faces of the crowd and Ruby, before quickly changing course “and Ginny was totally gonna fuck Harry on his birthday. So obvious.”

“I had no idea, Al.” Ruby said.

“Hey, we here at Harem Hotel gotta keep tabs on anyone writing about magic. Make sure our secrets are safe. I read it for work.”

“I meant I had no idea you could read.”

“Har Har, Rubes. You don’t need education to see the chemistry on display on the next date.” Ruby groaned even louder this time, and the mics definitely caught it.

On screen, Vivian emerged from the limo, looking confident and gorgeous… until Ronnie trampled her to the side.

“Ok, so the date didn’t have the best start.” Al conceded.

“Or middle.” Ruby interjected, as the video cut to Michael and Vivian silently staring daggers at each other.

“But the END! Wow!” Al said, spinning his finger to get it moved to the crazy finale in the limo. The crowd cheered as Michael humped away at the blonde. “You talk about romance, Rubes, but this is what really wins over an audience. Two people who can’t wait to rip at each other’s throats start ripping at each other’s clothes.” Al pretended to wipe a tear from under his shades. “Truly the kind of story you could only get on Harem Hotel.”

“Yeah, it was quite the surprise…” Ruby said. Vivian and I need to have a real long chat about this, once I can get her alone. Either her or Al are playing me and I’m getting to figure out who. “Never would have seen that coming from Vivian.’

“Oh that’s the one that shocked you?” Al laughed. “I figured it would have been the last one.”

The projector fast-forwarded again, stopping in a freeze-frame on Mallory, her lips wrapped around Michael’s cockhead, her eyes thrown wide in shock as Michael discovered her. Al held up his hand to hold that image for a few beats, letting the audience drink in that image until the projector burned through the filmstrip and left the screen a blank white.

“Harem Hotel’s had exes, rivals, haters, cousins, and even siblings!” Al cackled. “But never have we had a daughter and a hater all in one, and she was one of the first to crack!”

“Yes, that was unexpected.” Ruby monotoned, trying to hold back her anger. Whatever happened with Vivian was bad enough, but if Mallory was going to take this contest seriously then Ruby was in real trouble.

“What a bold choice to even put her in that closer spot.” Al said, turning from the camera to glare directly at Ruby. “I wouldn’t have guessed she was up for that, but if you wanna win this game you’ve got to be bold. Perhaps having a top-tier coach like me helped her over the hump.”

“How bold is it to whack a guy off when he’s asleep?” Ruby said, her facade cracking. “I protest the scoring!”

“He was awake for the good part, Rubes. Scorekeeper’s made his call. And with those points, Mallory and Vivian both jump into the top 3.”

“Behind Janet.” Ruby corrected sharply.

“For now. Because it’s time for you, the audience, to score the girls on their dates, baby!” Al pointed directly into the camera. “Vote however you wanna, best interactions with Michael, funniest, sexiest…” He held up his hand to block it from Ruby, and whispered into the mic. “We know which team won that one.”

“Rank the dates 1 to 6, 1 being the best. Remember that Janet and Sarah share a score because they shared a date. First place gets 25 points, Second place 20, then 15, 10, and 5.”

“Don’t forget, Rubes, the new rule!” Al paused to take a drag of his cigar, “Because a few of our girls have not been taking this quite as seriously as they should, we’re pushing everyone all in! From now on, any girl who finishes last in a challenge will have all her VPs taken and distributed to the other girls in the game! Tell them the best part!”

In contrast to Al’s glee, Ruby was deadly serious. “Finishing last twice is an immediate elimination, no matter how many points the girl may have earned. While a tie for last would mean both girls lose points, the strike would be awarded to the girl who finishes lower in the Best Girl poll immediately following each challenge. We’ll not be taking the Assassin’s Challenge into account-”

“Lucky Sarah.” Al poked.

“- but starting with this vote, the rule is in effect. And remember, finishing below 100 points at the end of the game means you do not get a positive transformation. No girl is safe, but remember, Michael picks the winner. Any girl who makes it to the finish line without being eliminated is eligible to be Queen, even if she finishes with 0.”

“This oughta keep everyone nice and invested. Skin in the game. Oh look, and here’s our contestants now!” Al said. The Hotel’s magic limo rolled into the drive-in, and disgorged the seven shell-shocked women and Michael, who headed up the stairs and took their seats on the stage.

“Are you serious? Two strikes and you’re out?” Ronnie asked fearfully.

“Absolutely, baby.” Al said. “What, stakes a little higher than the last time you played?”

Silence was the only answer. Not even Mallory had an insult at the ready. Each girl waited with bated breath as the audience took their fates into their hands, once again.

Thank you, but voting is now closed!