A Second Opinion

I met Evelyn freshman year. As one of the dozen or so women in a class of a hundred and fifty, we bonded quickly. She was in the same program so our friendship solidified as we tried to schedule as many classes together as we could. She wasn’t the only friend I had, but she was certainly the closest one. It was also one of the most healthy friendships I’d ever had, having learned firsthand how toxic friends acted—and how to be a toxic friend as well. It was easy to blame others, but part of the growing process had been seeing my own responsibility there.

It helped that Evelyn was a peer in many ways. She was social, intelligent, and drop-dead gorgeous. She often teased me about how jealous she was of my red hair, but it was all in good fun. She was happy and confident in herself, and I felt like I could simply be myself around her. Her bubbly personality was opposite of my more serious grounding, but I felt we complimented each other rather than clashing.

“You’re doing it again,” she said with a smile, stirring her iced coffee before taking a sip.

I sighed, releasing my straw. I’d been stirring my half-empty drink for minutes, lost in thought. It had been days since Colin and I had our conversation. Since he asked—

Well.

I still had no idea where I stood. Dismissing it outright was the prudent thing to do. I was happy. I trusted him saying my decision wouldn’t impact our relationship. The smart thing would be to keep the status quo. There was too much risk and honestly, it wasn’t Colin’s reaction I was worried about. It was my own.

The fact that I hadn’t dismissed it was evidence enough to show I couldn’t be trusted. Did I want to sleep with other men? Nope. Not at all. Colin checked all my boxes. I found him irresistible. I loved pleasuring him as much as he did me. Sex was great.

I had everything I needed.

But I wanted more sex. Having more sex with Colin would be perfect. That wasn’t in the cards though.

The uncomfortable truth I was facing was that the idea of more sex resonated with me. I hated it. Hated how it made me feel. I was so happy with Colin, but dangle the possibility of more sex in front of me and it tempted me. Tempted me to entertain the idea of sleeping with other men. Colin’s fantasy wasn’t the problem. I wasn’t debating this to fulfill his fantasy or make him happy. I wanted to do it for selfish reasons.

I wanted more sex.

Even if it wasn’t with Colin.

It hurt to admit that. A lot. Here I was, thinking I had moved past being the vain and selfish teenager. Ha.

“Sorry,” I said, shaking off the funky mood I was in. “Have a lot on my mind.”

“Boyfriend issues?” Evelyn asked with a knowing smile.

“Something like that,” I mumbled, pushing my cup away. “It’s just—” She perked up. I slumped back in my chair. “Never mind.”

“Noo,” she said, leaning forward. Setting her drink down, she reached across the table to grab my hands, pulling them towards her. “Don’t stop! We are finally at the point we can talk about our love life!”

I sputtered. “W-what?”

She let out a soft huff. “We’ve been friends for nearly two years, yet all we talk about is bland stuff. Classes. School work. Basic ass shit! All I really know about you is that you have an absolute cutie for a boyfriend and you two are obnoxiously in love with each other.” She had an easy smile, full of confidence. “I like you, Erin. More than most. I’ve wanted to be closer, but I always got the sense you were keeping your distance, so I held back.”

Stunned, I had no way to respond. Had I really been keeping my distance? I never meant to.

“I… I’m sorry?”

“Girl, don’t apologize!” she said with a laugh. “Spill!”

I stared at her. She had a big smile, leaning forward with genuine interest. I saw the excitement she held. The desire for… more. Old memories tried to surface, reminding me how many times I had seen smiles like that. Fake smiles. I pushed them down. Evelyn wasn’t like that.

A friend. A real friend…

Sounded nice.

“I… caught Colin with porn.”

Snorting, she rolled her eyes. “Please tell me that wasn’t what got you turned upside down.”

My cheeks heated. “No! I was actually happy to catch him. He, uh…” How much was I supposed to share? Looking over, Evelyn had a patient smile. Everything about her was so… open. I took a breath and felt my burdens lessen as I spoke. Deciding to only share what felt right, I found that everything felt right. It all tumbled from me. How I had an overtuned sex drive. How Colin’s was lower. The balance we found to make it work.

The more I shared, the better I felt. Evelyn listened, not a single look of judgment. Every time I faltered, she waited patiently for me to find my step. I told her about my old self. The conceited bitch who only thought of herself. My fake friends. How easily I fell in and out of ‘love.’ My experience with oral sex. How Colin and I started dating.

It was late afternoon when the conversation turned to my actual troubles. Colin admitting his fantasy version of me. Asking me if I wanted it to become a reality.

How I found myself seriously considering it.

Not that I wanted to sleep with other men. I didn’t. But sex…

More sex…

I wanted it.

I hated it.

I hated that I wanted it.

I hated how much I had been suppressing it.

I hated how just a momentary lapse—a slight give—had twisted me like this.

I hated how I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The opportunity to have more sex—even without Colin—was eating away at me.

I was exhausted at the end. Three cups were empty between us, the sun falling towards the horizon. My god. How long had I been talking?

Yet Evelyn was sitting there across from me, that same smile on her face. She’d absorbed that all without a peep, just nods and noises that she was listening. Now that I had no more words to speak, I felt **** in a way I wasn’t comfortable with.

“Feel better?” she asked, voice warm.

“You have no idea.” I nearly sobbed, fighting back tears. I had no idea how much I needed that. I wiped at my watery eyes. “Sorry for making you listen to all that.”

“Don’t even,” she said, wiggling her finger at me. “You needed it and I was happy to listen. Just know you are probably going to get the same from me one of these days!”

I laughed, feeling a hundred pounds lighter. “I suppose I deserve it. I’ll be happy to hear it.”

She nodded. “As to your little conundrum, it sounds to me like you’ve already decided.”

“Huh?”

“Erin, you just spent the past forty-five minutes listing out all the reasons why you shouldn’t do it.”

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath.

Her voice was soft and kind. “You wouldn’t have spent so much time trying to convince yourself it wasn’t the right thing to do if you hadn’t already decided to do it.”

I wiped at the hot tear that ran down my cheek.

She was right. Hearing her say that was the reality falling into place.

Colin had offered me a way to have more sex, and I took it. I took it even though I was happy. Not for him. For me.

“Hey…” Her voice was warm. “It’s okay.”

“I love him.”

“And this doesn’t change that.”

“How could it not? He’s the only man I’ve ever been with. The only one I’ve wanted to be with. This changes that.”

“Erin.” Her voice was firm but warm. I took a second to collect myself and looked at her. “I’ve never had a relationship like what you and Colin have, so this is a bit out of my wheelhouse, but even I can tell you two are madly in love. I don’t know the ins and outs of your relationship, but it sounds like this could work. You wanting more sex isn’t a bad thing, and from what you’ve told me, he wants you to have more sex. You have nothing to be guilty about.”

“He may have a fantasy about it, but that’s not the reason why I want to.”

“That’s a good thing! If you were only going forward with this because he wanted you to, I would be doing everything I could to convince you not to do it.” She leaned forward, resting her arms on the table. “I want to know what you are afraid of. Will being with another man make you stop loving Colin?”

“What? No!” I responded forcefully. “Never.”

“You afraid you would stop having sex with him?”

“Absolutely not.”

“What about another man being better at sex? You think experiencing that will make sex with Colin worse?”

I shook my head. “Colin is amazing in bed. Not worried about that. At. All.”

She smirked, resting her chin on her hands. “Oh really?” There was a hint of interest there.

I felt my cheeks heat.

Evelyn used her fingers to check things off. “So you aren’t worried about your feelings for Colin changing. You know it won’t negatively affect your existing sex life, either in quantity or quality. So… what? What are you afraid of?”

My heart raced, eyes focusing on the table. “That I’ll enjoy it,” I mumbled.

She chuckled. “What now?”

“That I’ll like it! That once I start, I won’t be able to stop. Ever.” Evelyn waited patiently as my fears manifested into words. “I’m serious about Colin. When I think about our future, I see marriage. Family. This though… I know me. I have been holding myself back for so long, the moment I let go of that, I’ll never be able to stop it. It terrifies me. That one day, Colin will ask me to marry him with the expectation that we return to how we were now, and I… I won’t be able to do that.” It took a few times to swallow the lump in my throat. My hands had an almost **** grip on the empty cup. “You have no idea how badly I want this. The idea of having as much sex as I want—even if it isn’t with the man I love—”

Taking my hand, she **** me to let go of the cup and patted it softly. “You have your answer. Now comes the hard part of talking about it. You need to tell him what you told me. To make him understand that this would be a fundamental change to your relationship moving forward.” I nodded as she rubbed my hand. “If you two decide to go through with it, some advise to someone who has some experience with it?”

“Huh?” I asked, wiping my eyes.

“Not exactly your situation,” she said with a smile. “I’ve always had a lot of guy friends, but never a boyfriend.” Her smile widened. “Let’s just say most my friendships come with physical components.”

My eyes widened. “You—”

“This isn’t about me,” she said, cutting me off. “It’s about you. If you do go through with this, I suggest people you are close with. Friends you are both comfortable with and are comfortable with the idea of more. Establish boundaries, and keep within them. You may think things would be better with random guys since there is no risk of attachment, but you already confirmed that isn’t a concern of yours. Trust me on this. A few choice friends who care about you are worth more than a dozen flings and the problems that come from them.”

Taking a shaky breath, I nodded. “I’ll—okay. Thanks. For listening to… all that.”

Evelyn was radiant as she smiled. “Of course! What are friends for?”