The Ethical Slut

“Okay,” he croaked.

“Yeah?”

He nodded. It felt like the weight of the world fell off my back.

“I want to preface this that this is a fantasy.”

“Of course.”

The seconds stretched in silence, but I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I would give him all the time he needed.

“All through high school, I always thought you weren’t a virgin.”

Not expecting him to start there. That he even believed that was a shock. “What? Why?”

He gave me a wry smile. “Really? You were never shy about blowing guys, so I figured…” My eyes narrowed. “Uh… anyway…”

“What? That I was slutting around like Ava and Brynn?”

“Not like them,” he floundered. “You aren’t the type to just go around with random guys, but at the same time, you weren’t exactly in most relationships for long. A week or two ‘dating’ was long enough to get blowjobs on tap.”

I opened my mouth to refute that, but found I couldn’t. It was true, and he knew it was true. One more mistake of my teenage years. Just because Colin was willing to lend an ear didn’t mean I had to share everything with him. Yet I did.

A pang of all too familiar guilt hit me as I remembered how I treated him in the past. Poor guy. That he stuck around long enough for me to get my shit together was a miracle.

“So what does this have to do with now?”

“I’m… getting to it.”

“Sorry.”

He took a deep breath. “I used to jack off to you.”

I tried to suppress a smile, but it wasn’t happening. “I figured.” I didn’t figure, I knew. Even teased him a little. Again, stupid teenage bitch I was, thought I was doing a favor being ‘comfortable’ around him. He never saw me nude, but there had been plenty of times he saw me in only underwear as I changed. It always made me feel good seeing him struggle to hide an erection. Especially after a breakup. Nothing made me feel more attractive and desirable than getting a guy hard.

Jesus, I was a terrible person.

“Not like that,” he said, not meeting my eye. “I mean, you and the other guys. Your boyfriend at the time. I imagined what they were doing to you and—” He cleared his throat. Gathering up his courage, he looked at me. “Got off on that.”

The surprise hit hard, but I kept an iron grip on my expression. There was no way I was going to ruin things by letting him misunderstand me. This was one of those things I think he would rather keep secret and that I was dragging it out of him. Him telling me this was a privilege and display of his trust for me. I would respect that and give it the weight it deserved.

Was it odd and unexpected? Absolutely. I always took Colin for a vanilla guy—even if he did like his hentai. Hell, even that was vanilla. Standard guy-girl stuff with nothing weird or ****.

Hearing him talk about getting off to the idea of me and other guys was not what I expected out of him, but I also loved him and would continue to do so regardless of his kink. It wasn’t anything illegal after all.

“You’re disgusted,” he said, looking away with a pained expression.

Shit. Even if I hadn’t reacted, I never said anything either.

“Not true,” I said as I grabbed his hand and pulled it towards me. “I want to be honest with you. I don’t really know how to feel about it.” My fingers entwined with his. “I never knew about this side of you.”

“Obviously.”

“But I’m happy I do.” He looked at me and I broke my stoic look with a smile. “Come on, Colin. I love you. Knowing this doesn’t change that.” I could see the struggle within him. He loved me. No doubt about that. Yet this desire was warring with his conception of that love. The pain in his voice as he spoke weighed against my chest. The emotions we both felt were thick as he **** himself forward, opening up in a way neither of us had ever experienced before.

“I love you. Always have,” he started. “I knew I was a bit different. The guys in our friend group were always girl crazy, but I never felt the same way they did. Girls were pretty of course. Attractive even. Sexually though?” He sighed. “The only time I really felt the urge was, uh… you.”

The heaviness demanded humor. Respectful humor. “My beauty ruined other girls for you.” Not a question. Fact. “Sorry,” I said with a small smile. I was overjoyed to see it returned.

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“Oh, I do.”

His smile naturally faded as he continued. “You being so open around me didn’t help. Not caring I was seeing you in underwear; casually mentioning how you gave such-and-such a blowjob the day before; it tugged at something. Something I didn’t really have until those moments.” I smiled, encouraging him to continue and eager to learn more about my sweet, goofy man who filled my heart to bursting each and every day. It was a weird moment for me. I regretted those moments, so him sounding thankful for them had me confused. “I know I am attracted to you. I love being with you, even if I’m not driven at the same levels you are. Yet I still can’t pull away from how I was in high school. Knowing—at least I thought I knew—that you and some other guy were intimate fueled a lot of my sexual desires then.” He gave me a grin, tone teasing. “You certainly provided plenty of material.”

I felt my cheeks heat. “I wasn’t that bad.”

“Junior year, you had six boyfriends in a month.”

“One month. One time.”

“You had to have dated over thirty guys.”

“Never counted,” I mumbled.

His grin widened. “Well, I did.”

Releasing his hand, I gave him a light push. “I don’t want to hear it,” I said with a fake pout.

“But that’s the thing, I do. You have no idea the kind of fantasies I had around you. That time you dated Thomas for a week before dropping him for Aaron?”

I had to think, putting old faces to names. “I dated Aaron for…” How long? Oh man. It hadn’t even been that long ago. Shit. I couldn’t even remember if I was a sophomore or junior at the time. He had been a grade higher, I remember that.

“Three months.”

I pursed my lips. “Should I be disturbed you know my dating history better than I do?”

“One of the many things I love about you. You never really cared about the guys you were dating.”

“Rude. I cared about all the guys I dated.”

“Not really.” I was about to get combative as he pressed forward. “You know I’m right. No matter how long you dated someone, you were never all that broken up about it when they dumped you—or you dumped them. A week, sometimes less, and you were back in a relationship with another guy.” He grinned. “You broke a lot of hearts.”

Looking down, I felt the weight of guilt on me. It was true and one of the things I hated about my past self. I was selfish and conceited. I thought I cared about my boyfriends, but the truth was I never really cared. Not the same way most did about me. Not until Colin.

Colin’s voice was low, not looking at me as he shared a part of him he never expected to. “My fantasy version of you—What I told myself—” He took a deep breath. “The reason why you never stuck around long was because they didn’t sexually satisfy you.” I didn’t get a chance to respond or even process that as the words tumbled from him. There was a passion to his voice, telling me all I needed about how much this meant to him. “I knew it wasn’t true. You weren’t that type of person. The idea of it though. You date a guy only to find one reason or another why he didn’t satisfy you; tossing him out and immediately trying another guy. The idea of you having multiple short-term, unsatisfying relationships, then finding a guy who could satisfy you. Nothing could turn me on but the imaginings of your then-boyfriend pleasuring you.” There was guilt to his expression as he continued. “I thought of you like a slut. That when you broke up with someone, it was because you wanted something new. Someone new. A new guy to play with. One who would hopefully be better than the last. The relationship itself never mattered to you, only the sex it brought.”

He had a pained expression on his face. “Worse, the fantasy Erin was just a girl to be used. By your boyfriend. By me. Anyone.”

His head hung low, staring at the floor. “Sorry.”

Wow.

Okay.

That was a lot to process.

I certainly understood why he would want to keep all that to himself. I didn’t regret learning it though. If anything, I was relieved. Colin actually did have an interest in sex. Hearing him get so passionate made me want to take advantage of the situation and jump him right here and now, but I pushed that aside. Later. Right now, we were talking and opening up. Breaking the flow would ruin the momentum and I couldn’t trust this sort of atmosphere and opportunity to repeat itself.

The fun stuff could wait.

In a way, me wanting to jump him made me feel at ease about the whole thing. Nothing had changed from me learning this about him. I still wanted him more than ever. Physically, emotionally, everything.

Since he was being honest, I should too.

“I think you weren’t too far off about me.” My voice was soft, breaking the silence that had settled between us. “I was one of the few virgins in the group. Surprising, I know. Handjobs and blowjobs were fine, but there was something about going beyond that. A part of me felt like it wasn’t the right time. The right person.” I smiled, finding his hand again. “And I’m glad I listened to it because it was right. Our first time woke something inside of me. You know what I was like.”

“Insatiable,” he said with a grin.

Clearing my throat, I ignored his tease. “If I didn’t listen to that and went through with it sooner, I think… I think that fantasy version of me wouldn’t be all that far off from reality.”

God, I loved those hazel eyes of his. This close, they were all I could see as we stared at each other. “And now?”

“What?”

“Would you want to?”

I pulled my hands away in shock. “We are talking about fantasy.”

“But if it wasn’t? If it was something I agreed to. Would you be willing to try?”

My jaw clenched as I stared at him. Emotions swirled within me as I kept my expression neutral. What kind of look was that? Hope? Was he being serious right now? My god. He was.

This weight on me was all too real.

“Try what?” I knew what he wanted. He all but told me. A part of me didn’t want to believe it. Colin and I were a team. A duo. A happy couple. Hearing that he got off to the idea of me with other men was fine. I was happy he had something that could get him going and that it involved me.

Me actually sleeping with other men? That went beyond just him. That involved me. He might have been okay with it, but was I?

He knew he was losing me, but that didn’t stop him. Another surprise. Colin was always one to not rock the boat. He would push on something, but it never took much resistance for him to abandon it.

Of all things for him to be so adamant on, it had to be this.

“Sleeping with other men.”

The chair nearly tumbled over as I stood.

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

The pained expression on his face before he looked away.

Fuck. All that hard work to control myself, to moderate my emotional response, all ruined in a single outburst.

It still took numerous breaths to calm down.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Yes you are.”

He had me there. I was mad at him. It felt like I had shared a part of myself I wasn’t comfortable with, and he used it to push his own desires. I worked hard to meet Colin in the middle when it came to our sex life. I did it because it was worth it and it made me happy. He had no idea what he was doing when he asked that. The fear I had of opening that door.

He had no idea… because I never told him.

The anger subsided as reason took hold.

Calm, Erin, calm. Emotions were high and both of us were ****. The words would have to be picked carefully.

I sat back down. “Sorry,” I said, collecting myself. “You have to understand, this is something I have been wrestling with for a long time. I’m grateful I waited. Grateful I wasn’t like the fantasy you had of me.” I brushed an annoying strand of hair that had fallen into my view. “With how senior year ended…” I took a breath. The memory wasn’t painful anymore, but there were still emotions tied to it. The pain and suffering had been a catalyst for me. **** me to look at myself and realize how awful I’d been as a human being. It had all worked out in the end, but it had been hell. “I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if I’d been sleeping around. How much worse I would be. This,” I said, gesturing between us. “Would probably never have happened.”

“But it did.”

“And it means the world to me. I don’t want to fuck it up,” I said, happy he was making eye contact and talking. It was moments like this I really felt the strength of our love. Even if the topic was uncomfortable, he was my partner. My equal. We were discussing our life. Together. “You want to open a door I’m glad I never opened. I’m terrified that opening it now will undo all the hard work I have done to distance myself from the horrible person I was back then.”

His smile was soft, full of care and love. “You weren’t horrible.”

“Liar,” I said with a half-grin. “I was an absolute bitch and you know it.”

“Conceited, arrogant, and a dash of narcissism thrown in.”

“Ouch.”

“But you were always a great friend.”

Guilt tugged me. “Not really.”

His hand brushed my cheek. I leaned into it, enjoying the warmth. “When it mattered you were.”

Our eyes met and we said nothing for a long time.

“You are serious about this.”

There was no mistaking that expression. It was the complete lack of doubt that had me wavering. How could he look at me like that? It made me feel… I… I don’t know.

“I am.”

I looked away, heart racing. “I…I need time.”

Kissing my forehead, he pulled me into a hug. “However long you need.” He was so warm as I embraced him. The smell of him set me at ease. As always, I felt the love and safety only he offered. “No pressure,” he whispered. “If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. I love you all the same.”

My jaw quivered, my heart nearly bursting as I set everything aside to concentrate on him.

“Show me,” I whispered.

He said nothing as he guided me back to our bed.