Opening the Door

“I want to do it,” I announced suddenly, room spinning as my heart raced. It had been a week since I talked with Evelyn. A week to build up my courage to breach the subject.

A week to tell the love of my life I wanted to sleep with other men.

Colin was sitting across from me, content in his own little world as he scrolled on his phone. “Sure,” he said before slurping up spaghetti. “We can head up this weekend.”

I blinked. Fuck. We’d been talking about how his mom was complaining about never seeing us so we were going to take his mom and brother out to dinner to catch up.

A part of me wanted to leave it at that. It had taken me a week to admit those five little words; courage spent in a second. How long would it take me to try again? Clenching my fists, I pushed forward. Had to be clear about what I was talking about.

“I want to fuck other men.”

A fork clattered against the plate, the phone hitting the table a fraction of a second later. Colin stared at me with noodles hanging from his mouth.

Face burning, I refused to look away. My entire body was trembling as I waited for his response.

He was slow to react, biting off what he had in his mouth and chewing.

Clearing his throat, he recovered enough from his shock to speak. He smiled. I expected something like that, but seeing it made it all real. Real enough to make me nauseous and regret even bringing it up. It was too late now though. I’d long since made my decision.

“You knew,” I said, eyes widening as I found his shock hadn’t come from my announcement, but the suddenness of it.

“I suspected. You’ve been on edge all week and withdrawn during sex.” His expression bordered on sadness. “It was clear you felt guilty about something. I don’t see why. I told you; this is something I want.”

“It’s not that easy,” I said, pulling up the mental script I’d spent a week writing. Shit. Already it was garbage. At least it organized some of my thoughts. “This isn’t something we can walk back.”

He was unusually serious as he nodded. “I know.”

“Do you? I have been holding myself back for so long. Opening this door means no closing it later.” He winced, looking hurt at me admitting to holding back. I regretted wording it like that, but it was true. I was holding myself back. Fool just couldn’t get it through his thick skull that I was happy with how things were.

Colin spoke with caution, his soothing voice slow and methodical. “I’m not afraid of opening it,” he began. “I’ve been fantasizing about it for eight years.” His raised hand cut me off. “I know there is a difference between fantasy and reality, but for the first four or so years, I thought it was reality—at least aspects of it. Some of the best times in high school were the two of us hanging out in your room; you oversharing what you did with your boyfriend the day before. I would go home and let my imagination go wild with what happened after you were done swallowing his load. It was the only thing that made me feel the urge to…”

He took a deep breath. “I love having sex with you, Erin. I want to have sex with you… just not as much as you want. And… that’s okay. I think we both know that.” I nodded, letting him speak without interrupting. “But I think we both need this. We both want it. When we are using toys, I imagine it being another guy and… it makes me happy. Happy you are enjoying yourself. I know you love sex, and I want you to embrace that.” His gaze was steady as he looked me in the eye. “Even if it isn’t with me.”

I took a quivering breath, nodding as I realized it was my turn.

“I… didn’t decide to do this because you asked me to,” I said, barely finding my voice. “I want more. Not need. Want. You are my need. Always will be. It… would be easy to hide behind the excuse that I’m doing it for you, but that’s not fair. I’m doing this because I’m selfish and I want to have more sex.” The last words were nearly impossible to dislodge. Tears threatened to fall, burning my eyes. “Even if it isn’t with you.”

Dinner forgotten, we had no more use for words as I dragged him back to the bedroom.

He met my passion in equal measure as clothes were shed.

My hunger wasn’t sated once. Or twice.

Three times?

…I could live with that.

As we both lay gasping for air, exhausted after nearly an hour together, I felt nothing but bliss. Colin. My lovely Colin. Every bit my match when I needed him.

That was the depth of his love. He gave his everything and more. All to make sure I was happy.

And that was why I loved him. I saw that. Respected it, and hoped I returned that love he gave me in a way he could understand.

I loved him so damn much.