18th of June

I should have known. I should have known that any kind of optimism would be misplaced. Not only did I dream the same dream once more, I also remember yet more of it. What's more, I

No, I do not dare write it. Suffice to say, it left me shaken and unable to even leave my bedroom in shame. Miss Blake, of course, worries greatly about me, only relenting when I faked sickness and coughs. I just hope I can't

Dear reader of this diary, I am well and truly drunk! My beloved father, too early taken from us, had an eye for the finest spirits, and I now benefit greatly from the collection I inherited. Alas, the more I benefit, the less I will be able to benefit in the future, but such is the nature of brandy and gin and wine! And now, I will share with you, esteemed reader, what happened this night!

It will surely surprise you that the dream I had was very much the same - darkness all around, soft lips against my ear, soft curves on my chest, a soft voice whispering to me:

"I... would love... you... in my image... Doesn't that arouse you?"

And yet again, there were fingers teasing my member, stroking it... but the sensations didn't end with the dream. Instead, when the woman leaning into me withdrew with a low giggle, I awoke. And found my own hands pleasuring my manhood.

Indeed, dear reader! I succumbed to the shameful act of self-pleasure! And the seed soon spilling over my sheets was coaxed forth by my very own fingers! And propriety be damned, I enjoyed the sensations!

I wish my father had not bequeathed me his collection of spirits and wines and instead drank them himself! For then I would not have been able to get so intoxicated to actually write down what happened this morning. But then again - whether I write it down or not doesn't change that it did happen. And if I am honest to myself, nothing I wrote is a lie These things that make me lose control of my own urges, they scare me. I wish the dreams had never started, I loathe the sun for setting outside and I loathe myself for the curiosity that arises from reading what I wrote above:

"I... would love... you... in my image... Doesn't that arouse you?"

What the shadowy woman says to me - every night, it becomes clearer and clearer. And it's obviously part of a larger whole. But what does she mean to tell me?