You need this.

Now that you’re over 30 and have finally decided to move out of your parents’ basement unless you’re couch surfing you need some things to furnish the studio apartment with the view of a sewage treatment plant that you’re paying $1200/month for. Most of your furnishings you can get by dumpster diving at your local college or stealing lawn furniture from the closest upper middle class neighborhood, but one thing you don’t want to get that way is a mattress. For that, Casper is the answer.

Not only are they (allegedly) super comfortable, but they ship directly to your door, so you can avoid the bedbugs and cum stains that would be on anything you pulled out of the trash, and you can continue being an introverted fuck. Hell, they’re so easy to order that you can do it while waiting on mana regen during a WoW raid with your “friends” (whom you’ve never even met and who all live in their parents’ basements. And no, the Druid healer you’ve been ‘married’ to for the last three years is not, in fact, a girl). No COVID-19, no bedbugs, no jizz splatter that you won’t put their yourself while jerking off to cosplay sissy porn. Total win-win. As for me, I’m not about to spend three mortgage payments on a mattress, but you really should, Princess. Just don’t buy a My Pillow. That guy’s a dick.

• Bulk pack of Trojan condoms: $30
• Black market penicillin: $65
• Round-trip airfare to Bangkok: $2393
• 4 night stay at Shanghai Mansion Bangkok: $223
• The look in your Thai ladyboy hooker’s eyes as you give her a facial: Priceless

Better bring cash. Thai rentbois don’t use Square or accept BitCoin. For everything else, there’s Mastercard.