Jenny McCarthy, the KGB, and the Dalai Lama all walk into a bar.

The world is full of lunatics. Anyone who disagrees is one of them. Who’s them, you ask? Them! The secret puppet masters, Zionists, Illuminati, Deep State, New World Order, lizard people, the gay mafia that controls Hollywood. Seriously people simply refuse to accept that the world is just a fucked up place and so there must be some guiding intelligence behind that massive Egyptian rat screw.

The simple truth of the matter is that there’s no way that any of these powerful forces could be controlling everything, because running a massive conspiracy is hard. It’s almost impossible for two people to keep a single secret, because people like to talk to other people. Think how many people who aren’t directly being the puppet masters would need to have been involved in 9/11 for example, if it was actually what the Truthers out there claimed. Someone would have talked by now. And I don’t mean on 4chan. The vast amounts of manpower, money, and resources that would have had to be involved… well let’s just say that human nature would have cracked through at some point and someone would have fucked up in a more obvious way than ‘jet fuel can’t melt steel girders’. There would have eventually been a paper trail, whistleblowers, etc. And all for what? An excuse to start a war in the Big Sandbox? Little Bush may not have been the brightest crayon in the box but Rumsfeld and Cheney had both worked with Daddy Bush. You remember (or maybe you’re too young), he was the president who got us involved in a war in the Middle East. He knew what he was doing. He only needed one person to lie about it.

See, the only reason Little Bush even stood a chance of being elected was that Big Daddy Bush led the country in the last really popular war the US was involved in. Desert Storm was our response to Iraq (who no one at the time viewed as any sort of threat… the Middle East Big Bad was always Iran) invading Kuwait based on accusations that Kuwait was drinking Iraq's milkshake at the Rumaila oil field. So now we were left in a situation where a few top brass in the government figured it was time to break out the bowling pin, but most of the rest of the country were a little divided on the matter, generally because no one had ever even heard of Kuwait (and partially from an ‘enemy of my enemy’ viewpoint, because the only really notable thing about Iraq up until then was that they hated them some Iranians). Opinions varied widely on the matter right up until the testimony of a young Kuwaiti girl set off a domino effect of "Saddam is the New Hitler" sentiment.

On October 10, 1990, a girl then-known only as Nayirah (her semi-anonymity was to protect her family) testified before the Congressional Human Rights Caucus regarding the ever-worsening situation in Kuwait. Her testimony was practically a paint-by-numbers picture of a nation committing horrible wartime atrocities: sure, there was the looting, the plundering, and the senseless ****, but easily the most harrowing part of her tale concerned soldiers storming into hospitals, goose-stepping into maternity wards lined with incubators, and tipping babies onto the ground to die crying and squirming.

The only problem was that Nayirah's testimony was complete bullshit.

Not long after the war ended, it came to light just who "Nayirah" really was. Turns out she was in fact the daughter of the Kuwaiti Ambassador to the U.S. Not only that, but her testimony was the result of a collaboration among a Kuwaiti government-sponsored group known as Citizens for a Free Kuwait, the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton, and California Representative Tom Lantos, who was conveniently also the co-chair of the Congressional Human Rights Caucus (not to mention the fact that he wasn't above accepting campaign donations from Hill & Knowlton).

Now I’m not saying that Big Daddy Bush was in on this from the get-go, but damn if he didn’t milk that testimony for all it was worth, and you bet your ass that little Georgie was paying attention. All I’m trying to say is that there are easier ways to start a war than a false flag op on home soil. Hell, Johnson did it in Vietnam, and that wasn’t even calculated.

See back in ‘64 there was a little kerfluffle going on in Vietnam between the locals who were sick to **** of the cheese eating surrender monkeys who had up until then been the boss of them. The US Navy was poking around in the Bay of Tonkin trying to figure out what our little Froggy buddies were up to when a North Vietnamese patrol boat opened fire on the USS Maddox. The Maddox, a massive destroyer, easily dispatched the three gun boats, the only casualty on the US’s side being one bullet hole.

Like any bully, the Maddox called in backup and continued to hang around like punks loitering on a corner bumming spare change. Some time in the middle of the night a couple days later, the Maddox reported radar signals that they claimed were indicative of a torpedo strike, and both massive destroyers opened fire. At nothing. Johnson used this supposed attack on US troops as a justification to push us headfirst into the conflict.

Now that’s how you justify a war. No loss of life of civilians, nobody decided to redecorate the New York skyline and make ‘Miami 2017’ by Billy Joel come true. Just an unverifiable attack on troops or a very convincing liar.

So time to play two truths and a lie. I’m going to talk about three things. Two of them are verified conspiracies, and the third one I just made up. See if you can guess which one is false.

1. There really was a conspiracy surrounding the Kennedy ****.
2. Jenny McCarthy and the anti-vax army are shills for Big Pharma
3. The Dalai Lama was on the CIA’s payroll

Care to hazard a guess?

Everyone and their mother has a pet theory about the Kennedy ****, whether it’s the magic bullet, the grassy knoll, or the idea that JFK has been secretly living in the Lincoln Bedroom and advising presidents for the last forty years, the theories range from fairly reasonable to downright bizarre. The truth of the matter is that the Warren commission’s report is 100% factual. Oswald acted alone. The real conspiracy didn’t happen until after the fact when the Soviet Union faked up a bunch of letters from Oswald to the CIA, with handwriting taken from the time poor crazy Lee Harvey spent in Russia. The Commies released those letters to a handful of the biggest crackpots in the US, and just sat back to laugh at us and watch the Capitalist Running Dogs destabilize ourselves. Every theory developed from those handful of forged documents linking Oswald to the CIA.

The antivax movement has been around since the 1800s in one form or another, but it’s gotten a recent boost in the last 20 years by hitching it’s star to an aging Playboy bunny. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick Jenny McCarthy out of bed for eating crackers, but bitch be crazy. Around 2000 the “Green Our Vaccine” movement started in an effort to remove “toxins” from vaccines, and she’s been the public face of that movement. Here’s the catch. Big Pharma doesn’t make money from preventing disease, only from treating it. If people get vaccinated Big Pharma loses money. So in a shady back room deal of the sort that usually only happens in spy movies, a consortium consisting of Baer, Johnson & Johnson, and Pfizer as well as some lesser luminaries in the pharmaceutical industry hired McCarthy to be the voice of the antivax movement. She’s paid an annual stipend of $2.5 million.

Everyone works for the US government. In the 40s and 50s the CIA or it’s predecessors had over 600 journalists on their payroll to control the news media. They also hired the most influential religious leader in the world besides the pope. The Dalai Lama fled from the commies when China annexed Tibet, so the big brains at The Company figured he was a good bet for a Cold War asset. They then proceeded to funnel $1.7 million per year to the Tibetan people with a whopping $180,000 a year earmarked specifically for the Lama’s use. Turns out that pacifist monks make shitty spies, so the whole thing got dropped in the 70s when Nixon started trying to forge better relations with China.

There you have it. Two truths and a lie. Which one do you think sounds least probable?

So here’s where my head was. I’m looking at BigWig wearing a classic LBD with Doc Martens which bring her height up to being a little less than my 5’6”. She has a black stretchy choker around her neck. She’s somehow managed to style her hair to have a bit more body, so it’s not plastered to her scalp. Hits her eyes that really have me staring though. The lighting in the ‘Hive last night didn’t really give me a chance to truly observe them, but here, on the dance floor less than two feet from me, the disco lights catch them and I really see them for the first time.

You ever see a cat with blue eyes? How about a Husky? They have that kind of icy white blue color that looks almost otherworldly and magical. It’s less the deep blue of the sky and more the cold blue that you associate with a frozen lake. They’re the only color on her otherwise monochromatic face, which is less the sickly pallor of someone who regularly gets cathode ray burn and more the porcelain pale of a China doll. Her makeup runs toward the same theme, black lipstick and dark eye shadow. In her left nostril she has a silver stud.

In that moment she was one of the most enchanting creatures I had ever laid eyes on. And she was expecting me to dance with her.

Well, there’s only one way to respond to that when your entire repertoire of moves looks like something you might see in the monkey house at the zoo, or in a Broadway musical.

I channeled my inner Swayze.

I snap out my right hand, palm up, in a gesture that demands response. She looks at me with a quizzical eyebrow raised for only a second before she places her hand in mine. I mouth the words “Trust me.” ironically over Siouxsie’s first line, and pull her forward into my arms. Harshly I whisper in her ear, “just follow my lead.”

And then I cut loose. What I do has no name. It’s like a cross between a waltz and a tango, dips and whirls, cheek to cheek. And I have the perfect partner. She picks up even the smallest hint, synching her movements to mine perfectly as though we’d rehearsed this thousands of times.

We finished with a freehand twirl that wound her back into my arms, her cheek next to mine, her ass rubbing against my embarrassingly stiffening erection. She smelled of an enchanting combination of clean female sweat and vanilla. Her breathing was labored, and she felt warm pressed against me as she was. I could have held her there forever.

She broke the moment with a whisper. “I’m impressed, Mr. Sands. Let’s get down to business.” Taking my hand she half lead, half dragged me from the dance floor.