Courtney

“Jesus! You startled me.” Brooke reacts in surprise.

“I did? Sorry about that. I didn’t know it would be surprising to be in my own apartment.” Courtney replies sarcastically.

“Don’t start with me, Court. It’s too early for that.” Brooke tells Courtney, dead serious in tone. Courtney just takes a bite of an apple she was eating before you and Brooke came into the apartment.

“Speaking of early, what are you doing up?” Brooke asks Courtney.

“First, I can’t be in my own apartment at this hour; now I can’t be awake at this hour too?” Courtney continues to be sarcastic.

“Court!” Brooke shouts in annoyance.

“Ugh. Fine~. An alien’s still in my bedroom and the dude snores like a motherfucker. Couldn’t get back to sleep with how loud it is.” Courtney finally answers.

“Have you tried waking him up?” Brooke asks.

“Oh no~. That didn’t even cross my mind! I’m such a stupid bimbo!” Courtney goes back to being sarcastic immediately.

“See what I have to deal with?” Brooke asks you, not even hiding that she’s talking about Courtney’s attitude.

“Like you’re a walk in the park with your ‘woe is me, I’ll never be more than a booty call’ bullshit.” Courtney retorts.

“Bitch.” Brooke outright insults her.

“You know it.” Courtney responds with a wicked smile, before emphasizing it with a loud crunchy bite on her apple. “So, you’re part of this pimp’s hoe train now?” Courtney nonchalantly changes the subject.

“Can you please stop calling him that?” Brooke replies, not even bothered by the sudden topic change from Courtney.

“Pimp. ‘Love Coach’. Same difference.” Courtney says, using air quotes on Love Coach.

“Good morning to you too, Courtney.” You greet her passive-aggressively, not appreciating being called names in front of your face.

“G’Morning, Coach. How’s your star pupil doing?” Courtney asks you with a little venom.

“I heard he’s heartbroken.” You answer honestly.

“HA! Heartbroken he can’t watch me fuck other dudes while he jerks off in a corner maybe.” Courtney replies.

“I actually haven’t talked to him since that night at the gym, but I know he really likes you. I never talked to the guy and he went out of his way to ask me for advice to try and impress you on your date. The fact that you think he’s a weirdo because of something he obviously can’t control anymore, and isn’t actually ashamed of, is probably why he’s heartbroken.” You reply to Courtney, trying to inform her that Chad likes her outside of wanting to get cucked by her.

“Jesus Christ. Write a novel with that bullshit.” Courtney replies.

“Can you tone down the snarkiness for our guest, please? I know you’re pissed, but I told him I’m actually friends with you, and you’re making it extremely hard for him to believe that.” Brooke requests from Courtney.

“Pissed? I’m not pissed. I’m not angry that a guy pretended to be sweet just because he wanted me to whore myself for his amusement. Not angry at that at all.” Courtney retorts sarcastically.

Well… if she puts it like that. You can’t help but see her point.

“Oh, so you’re just going to whore yourself out for your own amusement then?” Brooke points out with her own brand of snarkiness.

“Yes. Proudly. I’m nobody’s whore. I’m my own whore” Courtney replies.

“Yeah, right.” Brooke sarcastically replies. “Like you don’t moonlight as an escort.” Brooke adds in a whisper.

“What’d you say?” Courtney reacts.

“I said you’re a modern feminist icon.” Brooke replies, even more sarcastically. Courtney takes it in stride and just chuckles, before changing the subject like Brooke didn’t just tease and, maybe even borderline, insult her with her sarcasm.

“You want something to eat, bitch?” Courtney asks her.

“Yeah, can you throw me a yogurt cup?” Brooke asks, and Courtney opens the fridge to grab one.

“What about the Love Coach? Does he want anything?” Courtney asks.

“You want anything? Most of it’s healthy shit though. Fair warning.” Brooke asks you.

“We still have some baklava left if he wants some.” Courtney reminds Brooke, before throwing her a strawberry yogurt cup.

“Oh yeah, he’ll have that. Thanks.” Brooke replies to Courtney. “Have you had baklava before?” Brooke asks you, and you shake your head in response. “You’ll love it.” Brooke assures you.

“Wait, what happened to the sarcasm and the snarkiness? Is that just how you guys talk to each other?” You ask in total confusion.

“Oh no~, we genuinely hate each other. I can’t stand this bitch.” Courtney replies, laying the sarcasm thick, while preparing you a plate of baklava.

“That’s bitch for ‘we used to hate each other so we learned to be passive aggressive until it became our love language.” Brooke explains.

“Aww~, you made it sound like we’re actually friends.” Courtney replies, as she places the plate of baklava, and the knife she used to cut them, on the kitchen island. You thank her, and you and Brooke sit down in the bar stools for breakfast.

“So, is Love Coach as good as advertised?” Courtney asks Brooke.

“Advertised?” You ask in confusion.

“She’s asking if we slept together.” Brooke answers you first. “Also, we did not sleep together.” Brooke answers Courtney.

“Bullshit. You just went out with an overnight bag and returned before dawn with him after doing what… watching Netflix?” Courtney questions.

“I went to Tanya’s place to sleep in her apartment to avoid hearing you fuck that snoring alien you have in your bedroom.” Brooke replies immediately.

“Defeats the purpose of me fucking that alien then. What a waste. He wasn’t even that good.” Courtney shares.

“What the hell’s your endgame by doing this anyway? Why do you need me to hear your exaggerated pornstar moans? Is it because you think I’ll tell Chad and he’ll… what? What’s the point of this?” Brooke asks Courtney seriously.

“You think I’m doing this for Chad? Bitch, please.” Courtney retorts.

“Oh? So you just suddenly grabbed one of our members to fuck right after finding out Chad was a cuck? No correlation between those two things at all?” Brooke asks, obviously disbelieving Courtney’s retort.

“You just suddenly wanted to be extra loud and exaggerate your moans, just so I can hear you fucking a dude you obviously didn’t find enjoyable at all.” Brooke continues.

“I didn’t say that. I said he wasn’t that good.” Courtney corrects Brooke.

“Same difference.” Brooke immediately retorts. “Face it. You’re doing all this because you think Chad thinks you’re an easy slut he can whore around to his friends.” Brooke points out to her.

“I don’t just think he thinks that. I KNOW he thinks that. Ask the Love Coach over here. I bet he hasn’t told you that Chad wants me to fuck your boyfriend while he watches.” Courtney tells Brooke, before pointing at you dramatically.

“WHAT!?” You and Brooke react in unison.

“Chad didn’t fucking tell me any of that, I swear!” You tell Courtney defensively.

“What happened?” A guy from one of the rooms pops out.

“Oh good, you're finally awake.” Courtney reacts with a smile upon seeing the guy. “Get the fuck outta my house.” Courtney adds with a straight face.

“Geez. I’m on my way out. Relax. I’m just looking for my shoes.” the guy replies.

“I’ll mail ‘em to you if I find them. Now, get the fuck out, alien!” Courtney shouts at him.

“Those are ‘Igloo’ Jordan 1s. I’m not leaving until I fucking —” the guy tried to argue, before Courtney shouts over him.

“OUT!” Courtney shouts at him, while grabbing the knife she used to cut the baklava threateningly.

“Fuck it. I’ll be back for those shoes later. You’re lucky I have spare shoes in my car. Psycho bitch.” the guy says before walking towards the door.

“Keep walking, hypebeast!” Courtney shouts back.

“By the way, it’s pronounced ‘Allen’ not alien, you dumb bitch.” the guy, who’s apparently named Allen, shouts as he opens the door.

“Are we sharing information that we didn’t ask for now? Here’s my unsolicited contribution — you need a sleep apnea machine, needledick!” Courtney shouts, as she follows him to make sure he left the apartment. You hear a loud slam of the door and assume that ‘Allen’ finally left. Courtney walks back from their front door, but instead of returning to the kitchen with you and Brooke, she goes to a different room.

“Why are you going into my room?” Brooke shouts to Courtney, who returns a few seconds later carrying a pair of Jordan 1s.

“You fucking didn’t!” Brooke reacts.

“This is like my share for this month’s rent. You know how much these shoes cost?” Courtney replies.

“If that dude comes back here for those shoes with a bunch of his friends…” Brooke points out to Courtney.

“He’ll do what? Karate me to ****?” Courtney asks smugly.

“That dude was obviously Chinese. So he’d technically kung fu you to ****.” Brooke responds.

“So? Chinese people can learn karate too, racist.” Courtney argues, and Brooke wants to argue that point, but she stops herself mid-breath as she knows Courtney’s technically right. You can’t help but stifle a laugh at their argument though.

“Whatever! That fucking alien derailed our conversation!” Brooke reacts in defeat.

“Speaking of, I hope these aren’t fake.” Courtney adds in wonder, completely disregarding Brooke’s reaction.

“Chad said he wanted Jay to sleep with you while he watched?” Brooke goes back to the original topic, before the alien interrupted your conversation.

“Oh? Boyfriend didn’t tell you that little detail, huh? Should I go out and buy cookie dough ice cream already or…” Courtney teases Brooke.

“Chad didn’t tell me that plan either.” You inform Courtney.

“Oh please! That sweet doofus probably doesn’t make a move without his Love Coach’s approval. You two probably had all of this planned out from the beginning. You just miscalculated when you didn’t know I was your girlfriend’s roommate… or one of your girlfriends, I mean.” Courtney says accusingly.

“You told him to go to a Vietnamese restaurant with all the vegan options because he told you I was vegan, instead of that shitty French restaurant that dirty old men take escorts to. You told him not to sleep with me on the first date. You told him to invite me to watch Netflix at his place, and actually just watch Netflix to make him seem like he seriously wanted something more with me than just sex. You told him to introduce me to his brother to fool me into thinking that he’s already comfortable with me meeting his family after the third date and shit. All for what? So I can think he’s a decent guy? So that after a few months of dating I’ll be so in love with him that I’ll be fine getting railed by his bros? Fuck that.” Courtney accuses you some more.

“I don’t know who you think I am, or what Chad made you think about me, but I can barely keep up with my own relationships let alone his. Chad obviously didn’t tell me about his plan about being the guy that cucks him because I would have immediately said no.” You reply to Courtney.

“Also, the only thing I know about you is that you're Brooke’s roommate. I didn’t know you were vegan. I only suggested Pho Hoa because my girlfriend is the head chef there, and the only reason I suggested her place is because I’ve been to L’Endroit Trop Cher and my date didn’t enjoy it there. That’s the only real suggestion I gave him. Everything else you’ve experienced is all Chad.” You explain to her.

“Yeah fucking right. Why does he keep hyping you up as his Love Coach then?” Courtney reacts dismissively.

“I don’t know. That’s just how Chad is, I guess. I told him one thing that really worked and I’m suddenly his Love Coach.” You answer.

“Like I’d believe that.” Courtney replies.

“Whatever you believe, it doesn’t change the fact that Chad genuinely likes you. If you bothered to talk to him properly and not accuse him of asshole behavior, you might actually find out that getting cucked is the only way he gets sexually aroused now… and I hate that I know that about him. Jesus Christ. Anyway~, I think the reason he told you about it isn’t because he wants to whore you out to his friends, but because that’s a part of him he was hoping you’d be open minded enough to accept… or, at the very least, try to understand.” You tell Courtney.

“You have some balls to make it look like I’m the one at fault here.” Courtney replies in annoyance.

“Aren’t you though?” Brooke asks her. “Like you said, Chad’s a sweet doofus. You think he’d have it in him to intentionally trick you like that?” Brooke adds.

“How the fuck should I know? I only dated him for three days.” Courtney replies.

“Yet, here you are, whoring yourself out just to spite him for his assumed transgressions.” Brooke argues.

“Who fucking said I slept with needledick just to spite Chad?” Courtney replies.

“You want me to quote you verbatim, or are you just going to remind yourself what you said earlier instead?” Brooke asks smugly, and Courtney just keeps quiet and accepts defeat.

“Can you please just talk to Chad? Whether or not you guys try to continue dating or completely break off is up to you, but at least stop acting like you don’t obviously like him back. Also, can you stop acting like you’re not hooking up with aliens just so I can tell Chad that you’ve moved on or some shit? It’s really fucking annoying, and I like my beauty sleep.” Brooke tells Courtney.

“Fine. I’ll stop being loud so you can sleep.” Courtney concedes.

“And?” Brooke pointedly asks.

“... and I’ll talk to Chad.”