Pleased to meet you

John stood, leaning on his staff and panting, as the woman in front of him blinked slowly before reaching up to touch her face then glanced down at the neat (if small) pile of timber sat in front of her. As he regained his breath, he came to three important realizations. The first, whatever was going on with monsters turning into neat piles of loot was apparently just a facet of his System, judging by the look on the woman’s face. The second, he’d gained a Level in the fight; a quick check of his Status showed that he had points available to allocate, which he decided to put off for the time being, given the third realization, something he’d not noticed in the fight. The woman’s face, in addition to being in some form of shock or possibly amazement at the finale of their fight, was also a rich emerald green.

“Are you… ok?” John asked hesitantly, unsure if the green was natural or some kind of injury that had taken place before he’d entered the fray. The woman in front of him moved her gaze from staring at the pile of timber up to his face and then back down again. “Yes? Um… at least, I think I am? Thanks for the help, human.” Then she swallowed and wiped a hand on the dungarees she was wearing under her bandoleer before sticking it out. “Flyx, Flyx Hoarseroot. You, er… do you explode monsters often?”

John stared at the extended hand for a moment - also green - before reaching out and shaking it gingerly. “I’m… well, I’m not entirely sure. It does seem to happen around me rather a lot,” he said lamely, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. “My name’s John.” He paused for a second after introducing himself, then added rather abruptly, “What are you, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I’m an alchemist. Well, I would be if I could actually manage to make any money on my trips into Barriers,” the woman replied, shaking her head as she stared at the fragments of shattered vials dotting the area around her. “Between the cost of the vials and getting my concealment medallion charged, this trip is going to be yet another zero-profit run. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” She kicked the ground, a clump of grass spinning to one side. “I really thought I’d made it this time; got some halfway decent herbs, hadn’t run into anything dangerous enough to need more than a quick scent-bomb to get rid of… And then I saw this clearing and thought, ‘Oh, that’s great, I bet there’s lots of mushrooms I can use dotted around the edges.’ Argh, why does nothing ever go according to plan!”

Since Flyx didn’t seem that interested in the timber bundles, John started to gather them up before offering her part of the pile. “No use to me,” she said when she finally realized what he was doing. “Never heard of anyone using any parts of those drones for any potions of any real worth. If they’d been full dryads now, that’d be a different matter. We’d also probably both be dead, but whatever. You keep the wood if you can use it.”

By this point, John was pretty sure that her green complexion was natural, which combined with her short stature led to him guessing her nature as he finished storing the lumber in his Inventory. While Flyx might not have cared, checking his Quest had shown that the material was indeed enchanted timber. Only six units of it, which meant he would need to fight at least two more of those dryadrones in order to get the ten he needed if he couldn’t find an easier source; not something he was looking forward to.

Being distracted by thoughts of his Quest had to have been the explanation for his talking without thinking as soon as he guessed what Flyx was. “You’re a goblin, aren’t you, Flyx?” The question came out far blunter than John would have normally spoken, and he winced inwardly as he quickly added, “Sorry if it’s rude to ask.”

To his relief, Flyx just giggled and nodded in answer. “What gave it away, the skin, my charming manners, or the fact I keep calling you human, John? But yea, you’re right. And yes, it is rude to ask someone’s species, but I think we can waive manners given you just saved my life.” She stepped closer at that point, rubbing one of her elbows in a way that pressed her breasts together as she added, “I should probably thank you for that properly. Is there anything I can do for you?”

John glanced up from where he’d been considering his Quest log while pretending to re-tie his shoes in order to cover his embarrassment at being so rude with the green-skinned woman. With the Quest on his mind, he asked the first thing that popped into his head. “I don’t suppose you’d know where I could find some enchanted metal, do you?” Flyx was the first person he’d met besides Malal in the Abyss, and given the god’s lack of useful information, John hoped his new acquaintance might have a better grasp of the local area.

Flyx blinked, her eyes flickering rapidly to one side as if she was surprised by something. “Oh… oh… right, yea, metal? Umm, there’s a Barrier on the outskirts of town that might have some, near the junkyard. Or you could try trading with the dwarves for it, but I wouldn’t recommend that. They charge more than they should, and never pay their tab on time and…” She caught herself and coughed. “Those are your best options. There might be some elsewhere, but that’s what I’d suggest.” Sighing to herself and retrieving what John assumed was her bag from beside the tree, Flyx pulled a watch from one pocket and glanced at it. “Shit, it’s almost seven. I need to get home before… well, I need to get home. Thanks again, John.”

Before John could reply, Flyx pulled an amulet from her bag and hung it around her neck, clicked some mechanism on it and shimmered. A moment later, her green complexion faded to a deep brown as her hair tinted black. Her outfit too changed, the bandoleer blending into the strap of her bag, and the dungarees turning into jeans and a t-shirt. In a matter of seconds, the goblin girl had changed into a woman indistinguishable from any of the others in Springfield - although most of the others wouldn’t have then proceeded to raise their hand above their head, wink at John, then vanish. John stood for a moment, staring at the space where Flyx had been, before realizing what she’d said. “Shit! It’s nearly seven?” he swore, raising his own hand and exiting the Barrier to find himself alone in the mundane park.

On the run home, John had managed to check over his uniform for any damage from the fight. Thanks entirely to the fact that the herbihogs had been going largely for his shins, his jacket was intact. Admittedly, it was also absolutely filthy from the impact with the tree and the sweat of his fight, but thankfully it hadn’t torn. With his mother in the living room when he got in, he was able to get upstairs without being spotted and change before returning down with the jacket buried in amongst other laundry. The trousers meanwhile were shoved under his bed - he’d sew them up when he got a moment. Brenda was in the kitchen when he walked through and smiled as she saw him loading the machine. “First defending young ladies and now doing your own laundry. You’re growing up well, John,” she murmured, before pulling open the fridge, retrieving a couple of boxes and glancing at the contents. “On the other hand, I’m beat from work. Do you fancy leftovers from last night? I always end up buying way too much for just the two of us.”

John sat on his bed sometime later, thoughts spinning as he considered the day. Fighting monsters and not only surviving but getting closer to his Quest completion as well as a Level Up, he really could use someone to talk to about everything that had gone on. With a groan, he leaned forward and rose from the bed, grabbed the model chaplain from the shelf and set it down on his desk next to the shot of whiskey he’d sneaked from the liquor cabinet earlier when his mom had gone to have a shower before she went to bed. “I dunno how good this liquor is, but I could really use a talk so I hope it’s good enough for you, Malal,” John said, hands pressed together and trying to sound as devout as he could.

The figure shifted, glancing around, then grinned when Malal saw the shot glass. “That’s more like it, kid!” he said, stomping over before pausing. “Damn, this idol is not gonna be able to hold that. Well, ya got me an offering at least. What can I do ya for?” As he spoke, the figure set his weapons on the ground, clapped his hands and produced a rather long straw from thin air. Dunking the straw over the edge of the glass, he proceeded to start to drain it of amber liquid as John explained his day, his Level increase and the decisions in front of him. Malal’s eyebrows raised higher and higher as John continued his tale, before the idol pulled the straw free from his mouth, wiped the back of one armored fist across his face and laughed. “Kid, ya telling me ya got a date, fought a bunch of plants - so far, so good, always knew ya had potential. But then are ya seriously tellin’ me you had a goblin - short, green, stacked like ya wouldn’t believe - one of them gals, right? So ya had one of them offer to thank you for saving her life, and ya didn’t ask for nuttin’ more than the location of some metal? Ya do realize she was expecting ya to ask her for a horizontal tango, right?”

John froze as Malal continued to chuckle, thinking back over Flyx’s body language when she’d asked if there was anything she could do for him. Malal’s continued explanation that goblins were naturally on the horny side didn’t help, and John slowly raised his fist to his mouth and bit down on it with a whimper. As he did so, a Pop-Up chimed into his field of vision, and for the first time since getting his powers, he really, really hated Gaia.