Pipe-weed Dreams, by Zeebop

“Oh great, it’ s a weed story.”

“I do not think this is about ****, Gina.”

“You’re right….this is some fantasy shit from dickgirl-guy.”

“Indeed it is. We are reading Pipe-weed Dreams, by Zeebop."

“Huh…”

“Gina?”

“I thought dickgirl-guy was writing Superhero stuff. This feels kinda wrong.”

“He has written non superhero stuff, Gina. We have covered that.”

“I know...but this is fantasy, it’s like weird as fuck.”

“Shall we read this weird fantasy, then?”

Reading in Progress (BGM)

I took the highway east from the White City, two lanes of tarmac that climbed right into the mountains. I didn't have to look back; I could still see the gleaming skyward spires of glass and steel in the rearview mirror all the way to what used to be called the Morgul Vale. The ATV was an Ironhills Pathfinder, and it purred along as it ate up the miles; dwarf work, as good as the military-grade vehicles of Men. I didn't need four-wheeled drive for the blacktop, but once it got off-road, I would.

“What the fuck!”

“That didn’t take long.”

“Why are there fucking cars in a fucking fantasy story!”

“It is steampunk, Gina.”

“You are a punk!”

“No steampunk, remember? Like the one unkown **** us to read a while back?”

“Oh...that Moby Dick shit…”

“Yes, that Moby Dick...well I guess technically it is not Steampunk. Zeebop used the word Tolkienpunk, which is just a fancy way of saying this is Sci-Fi in a Fantasy setting.”

It was a good guess. I was tall and whipcord-lean, dressed in faded desert fatigues and boots, my dog-tags still hung on a chain between my breasts. I was sixteen when I signed up, and my tanned skin made me look older than my thirty-seven years. Combine that with the close-cropped brown hair and the dull flat military-issue chrome eyes, it wasn't hard to peg me as former army.

“Great, our protagonist is an old hag that looks even older then 37. Awesome.”

“We are all getting older, Gina.”

“Now, I won’t. I kill myself when I hit thirty.”

“...you are forbidden from killing yourself, Gina.”

“Ugh!”

“So, an old retired soldier wants to settle down and grow some weed. As far as porn premises go, this is fairly unorthodox, but of course things can not stay like this.”

She was only a few inches past four feet, which was a good two feet shorter than I was, though I'm counted tall enough among Men. Dressed in only a thin sort of shift, feet and head bare. The ears and eyes were too large, the skin too bright a yellowish-green, the hair that fell down to mid-back was blacker than the night, the breasts—I blinked. Her tits were the size of my head, and would have made her absurdly top-heavy if her ass wasn't similarly oversized for her height.

“If this is another milking story…”

“Meet our love interest, an orc...or Uruk-Hai.”

“Did you just say...Hai, Marcy?”

“Errr, yes..”

“THAT’S THE GERMAN WORD FOR SHARK!”

“I do not think, these have anything to do with sharks, Gina.”

“I’m checking google and...Marcie remember when we read the advanced fantasy story? The one with the slimegirl with a dick?”

“Yes, Gina. I remember.”

“There was a giant eyeball monster there.”

“Yes, where are you going with this?”

“WHY ARE THESE FUCKS CONSTANTLY WANTING TO MAKE DISGUSTING MONSTERS SEXY!”

“I do not think the Orc is supposed to be particularly ugly looking, Gina.”

“It’s dickgirl-guy, Marcie. Of course she is.”

“To somewhat bring this back on track. Our deuteragonist, Azzie, is an escaped ****, for a lack of better word.”

"That would be me," a Man's voice came from the darkness. "And that would be my property."

He was tall, rawboned, straw-haired, grey-eyed. Acne had left scars like scattershot across his cheeks, and he either hadn't cared or didn't want to get the cosmetic surgeons to fix it. Yet his ears had a bit of a point, the eyes a bit of a slant, the nose was too long and narrow for the face. I'd seen folk in the White City do that, hinting at Elf-blood they didn't have. There was a shotgun in his hand, a very no-nonsense weapon with a sawn-off barrel, pointed at my chest.

“I’m getting some racial undertones from this, Marcie.”

“Yes, Zeebop is not exactly subtle with the allegory here. There is of course this whole ongoing debate right now that Orcs are actually…”

“Marcie, that’s the last thing anybody wants to hear right now.”

“Point taken. Unfortunately for this guy, our Heroine really hates slavers and kills him without as much as a second thought.”

“HAI YEAH!”

“You came around fast.”

“We really don’t get many badass female protagonists around here, Marcie.”

“I thought she was too old for you.”

“I...I mean, shut up!”

“The two girls hit it off almost immediately. A bit too fast, I would argue.”

“They do some fucked up shit with some jacks and...the fuck is even happening here?”

“The girls have build in brain implants that lets them connect to various devices like a headphone jack. Hence the name. You should not connect two brains directly together but since this world does not believe in security it is very easy to do anyways. Hence, the girl share an intimate brain-sex moment.”

“THAT’s what this was about?”

“Well, Zeebop has written that kind of story. You know, a really vivid and imaginative one. But because of that, it is the sort of story were you have to read every paragraph twice to truly comprehend what is going on. Well, people like Gina do at least.”

“I think you just insulted me, Marcie.”

“It is just not something I am used to for a story on this site which normally caters to a more...base clientele.”

I couldn't stop it. A hundred yards away, running like my heart would burst. I could see the great tusk of the oliphant guided between Aedre's thighs, and then rise with sudden, terrible ****. The ivory tusk tore out her abdomen like a gore-splattered parody of a phallus. It rose upwards, pulled her from the Orcs' grasp even as I ran, and I tasted salt in my mouth as I saw her dangle there. My tearducts had been redirected to my mouth when they put the cybereyes in. When I wanted to cry, I spit.

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DICKGIRL-GUY!”

“And of course that also means our protagonist suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and has nightmares from her time on the ****.”

“Oh yeah.”

“You know, maybe it is because we covered that particular story plot last time but I think I finally figured out Zeebops flaw as a writer.”

“Just one?”

“Zeebops writing here, on all accounts, is excellent. From all I have read from him, which at this point in time, is quite a lot, this is his best work yet.”

“Get to the flaw, Marcie.”

“But, Zeebop struggles to create an emotional connection with the reader. Even a horrifying scene like this is described in a clinical matter of fact way. In a sense that could be considered praiseworthy but without that connection the story lacks an emotional punch, so to speak.”

“Marcie, what the fuck are you even blabbering about?”

“Hmm...maybe, as much as I hate to resort to that tired adage, it is an issue of Show, do not tell?”

“All I can tell is that you’re full of shit, because I feel plenty of emotion while reading this. Mostly disgust. Oh, hey, here’s a branch!”

“And here I thought this would be the one Zeebop story without any branches. Which one do you want to pick, Gina?”

“The one that doesn’t have Orc dick in it’s title.”

Aubert had welded rungs around the squat toilet we used; he was handy that way. Hand over hand, I clambered up and positioned myself above the hole. Tiny red dots blinked into existence, and a flatscreen on the wall opposite the toilet gave me a toilet's eyes view of my pussy as I lined myself up. It could be hard enough not to make a mess when you're a quadruple amputee Hobbit with only a pair of cyberarms hovering above a regular toilet.

“Why are you like this, dickgirl-guy?”

I'd never asked if something had happened to Aubert's cock or if he'd had it amputated himself. What I did know is that the replacement was a custom-made model, heavily modified. When inert, it was a pale, almost translucent blue with no definition that could be tucked away easily. When activated...blood ran through invisible channels and the blue prick would swell and shift in color, thermal plastic turning dark and purple as it rose to its full height.

“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS, DICKGIRL-GUY?”

“Yes, I do not even want to attempt to understand what the allegory is supposed to here.”

“Switch back to the orc dick!”

“The live of Rowana and her Orc girlfriend continue as they slowly made this land their own. Perhaps we should talk about sex. Because yes, there certainly is sex in this story that is not of the brain variety.”

"Oh, you can't hold it?" she whispered, and I felt a fang scrape my cheek. "My big, strong ranger. Is she so weak that I can make her piss herself?"

“Do not give me that look, Gina.”

“Did you masturbate to it, Marcie?”

“It is cute. But Zeebop does not really do my blend of humiliation. Watersports do not really do anything for me without the humiliation aspect.”

“Uhu.”

“What about you? This is as lesbian as it can get.”

“Yeah, but come on, Marcie. This is a 37 old(who looks older) and a huge orc! I’m not going to hump a table just because these two have vaginas!”

“Nobody said anything about tables, well, anyway. It is a very equal relationship. Azzie might be a tad more dominant but with Rowana being tough as nails, it does not really come across as such.”

“Uh.”

“The farm life of the two continues, before disaster strikes again. Azzie’s former owners really want their property back and send a task ****. The two girls deal with them as you might expect.”

“WITH FUCKING BRUTAL ****! YES! KILL AND MAIM THEM ALL!”

“Gina.”

“I like this aspect of the story, Marcie. This is finally a woman who I could see bite off a dick.”

“I certainly would not put it past Zeebop to deliver on that aspect. Perhaps one of your cravings will finally be fulfilled, Gina.”

“It’s not a craving!”

“Anyways, Rowana rightfully worries that after killing six of their people, the megacorp that used to own Azzie might finally bring out the big guns. Quite literally, as the CEO of the evil megacorp is a Dragon. There is certainly another allegory here.”

“Nobody cares about Al Gore anymore, Marcie.”

“All I am saying, things are just about to heat up, story wise. Unfortunately this is also were the chapters stop for now.”

“Hm.”

“Gina?”

“This is the least shit thing dickgirl-guy has ever written.”

“Oh? What about Doomed?”

“That one had potential, but dickgirl-guy didn’t deliver on it, so it was still shit. But this one was...interesting?”

“I have a confession to make that I am sure will shock many: I actually never read Lord of The Rings.”

“Wow. Isn’t that like mandatory for Nerds?”

“I believe I would appreciate this more if I did. Even with my knowledge coming purely through cultural osmosis, I can tell Zeebop got through great length by crafting this story and making sure it stays lore accurate. Honestly, it might be a bit wasted on CHYOA.”

“Eh.”

“Coming back to my previous criticism. This is not exactly the type of story you would expect to find here. Hence, the somewhat lackluster reception. A part of the blame lays within the atrocious presentation. This should be common sense, but since Zeebop appears to be lacking in it: Your cover image should not be a dark close up shoot of puke green breast.”

“THAT WAS A BOOB?”

“The title “Pipe-weed Dreams” is also horrid. A title needs to grab a readers attention. It is, aside from the cover image, the first thing a potential reader will see. You have to make that small moment count. Less, the lost flowers of the valley, more Elf ****.”

“We could all do with some more elf ****.”

“But enough about Zeebop’s blistering incompetence in the realms of marketing. What he can not be blamed for is the taste of the readers. Because of this, I really like to urge Zeebop to branch out and release this on different sites. I could see this being really popular at sites catered to fan fictions.”

“Won’t they be disgusted by all the porn, Marcie?”

“Probably, but I think Zeebop could frame it as artistic freedom or some such nonsense.”

“Bah, this shit has me confused. I don’t like it but I also don’t hate it. It’s…”

“...interesting?”

“I guess…”

“I must admit I am somewhat curious myself. It is the first story from Zeebop in which the plot/sex ratio is skewed towards plot. But it is a good mix. Our heroes are powerful but they are up against near overwhelming odds and unlike so many contemporaries they do not have a magic overpowered ability to make all their trouble vanish.”

“Azzie literally has that ring that turns people invisible, Marcie.”

“Err. Yes.”

“And doesn’t that ring also literally have mind control powers?”

“Well, I suppose.”

“In other words, Tolkien is the true **** device inventor. Good job, you British fuck!”

“I believe we better close this review now.”