Part 5: The Hero of Piltover [Arcane]

You’ve done it. Somehow, against all odds and logic, you’ve saved Piltover and Zaun. No more Noxian invasions. No more socio-economic or political chaos. No more class warfare. No more hextech meltdowns threatening to turn everyone into shiny blue ash. You’re a big fucking hero, the biggest one these cities have ever seen.

The council, brimming with gratitude, unanimously declares you the King of Piltover. Never mind that Piltover doesn’t have a monarchy. They make it work. There’s a grand ceremony, a metric ton of confetti, and enough fancy wine to drown an elephant. It’s all so touching you almost forget what an absolute disaster these cities were before you showed up.

But a hero’s work is never done. You learn this the hard way when your prime minister appears in your chambers late at night. He bows low, too low, frankly, considering you’re still in your bathrobe, and clears his throat.

“Your Majesty, there is an urgent matter to discuss.”

You set down your mug of whatever concoction the Zaunites call coffee. “If it’s about rebuilding the Sump, I told you-”

“No, sire,” he interrupts. “You must take a wife.”

You blink. “Now?”

“Yes, now.” He’s entirely serious. “You’re a foreigner, after all. Your rule will only be stable if you have a wife from Piltover. A must for the good of the realm.”

You stare at him, weighing your options. “Well,” you sigh, “if it’s for the realm... Do you have a list of candidates?”

He produces a scroll from somewhere within his voluminous robes and unrolls it with a flourish. “Of course, sire. We’ve prepared a list of the finest choices."

He clears his throat. “First: Violet of Zaun. Popular among the common folk. Marrying her would strengthen your claim with the Zaunite populace.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. “Isn’t she… a lesbian?”

Your prime minister shrugs. “Details, Your Majesty. I believe in your charm. Besides, imagine how strong your kids with her would be!”

“Right. Who’s next?"

"Second: Caitlyn Kiramman, head of House Kiramman. She’s a noble, which means her support would secure the ruling class’s favor.”

You groan. “Isn’t she ALSO a lesbian?”

“True,” he says, unbothered. “But you know what they say, a lesbian is only a lesbian until she meets a nice man, starts a family, and has her first kid.”

“No one says that,” you reply, glaring. “Next."

"Jinx,” he says, straight-faced.

You don’t let him finish. “I know who she is. Mentally ill, schizophrenic terrorist. Blew up half the city and killed a lot of people. Including Caitlyn Kiramman’s mother.”

“Yes, but wouldn’t you like to… fix her?” he asks, his eyes alight with something you don’t entirely trust.

You tilt your head. “Fix her?”

He nods eagerly. “Hug her. Protect her. Nurse her back to mental stability until she falls madly in love with you and asks to have your babies.”

You’re silent for a moment. Then: “You just awakened something weird inside me. But, uh, next?"

"Mel Medarda. Noble. Politically savvy. Resources galore.”

You consider it. “Her mom just tried to annex Piltover, though. Also, isn’t she… manipulative? And wasn’t she with Jayce Talis?”

He waves dismissively. “Jayce is either dead or has become cosmic soup with his boyfriend, Viktor. It was really unclear. You have an open field to marry and impregnate her now.”

“Great,” you say flatly. “Next."

"Maddie Nolen. Currently in the prison hospital, but we can arrange an early release.”

You blink. “She’s a Noxian spy.”

“Yes, but wouldn’t you like to fix her too? Hug her, tell her she did nothing wrong, treat her right until she’s no longer evil and loves you and begs to have your babies?”

You narrow your eyes. “Is that your fetish?”

He stammers. “No! I just think it’s... thematically appropriate.”

“Uh-huh,” you mutter. “Anything else?”

“Well,” he hesitates, “if fixing them isn’t your thing, you can always spank her. For, uh, ‘brat correction.’ Spank and struggle fuck her until she’s no longer evil.”

You… have no words. After a long pause, you sigh, rubbing your temples. “You might have just awakened another weird thing in me. Who else do you have?”

“Sevika of Zaun.”

“Isn’t she like forty? And let’s be honest, she’s ALSO giving me lesbian vibes.”

“Ya, but some men like to be dominated by older, stronger women. And we’ve already established lesbians can be fixed by the right man! Especially if you knock up Sevika before her eggs die out.”

You sigh. “Is that your whole list?”

“There’s also Lest, a ****-dealing catgirl Vastaya healer.”

“…Is that really someone you want as your queen? Did you just put your **** supplier on the list? Are humans even sexually compatible with her race?”

“Well, you just have to try a lot, and I’m sure you’ll knock her up!”

“…I’m almost scared to ask, who else do you have?”

“Madam Margot.”

“A chem-baroness who runs illicit prostitution rings? Are you insane?”

“Just marry her and knock her up. You know what they say, the greatest joy in a man’s life is turning a ho into a housewife.”

“No one says that!” you groan. "Who made you my prime minister anyway?"

"You did, sire."

"Right," you sigh. “Who else you got?”

“There’s this girl, Isha-”

“Isn’t she like nine?” you ask, horrified.

“Well, obviously, you'll have to wait to consummate until she’s eighteen-”

“Still no. Don’t make me call the enforcers on you.”

“Fine,” he sighs.

“This is the last of your list, right?”

Your prime minister silently pulls out a photo of Babette, a yordle hooker.

“No,” you say flatly.

“Hear me out—”

“NO.”

“Fine.”

Who do you marry?

Option 1. Vi

Option 2. Caitlyn

Option 3. Jinx

Option 4. Mel

Option 5. Maddie

Option 6. Sevika

Option 7. Lest

Option 8. Margot

Option 9. Isha (+9 years timeskip)

Option 10. Babette