Open Mouth. Insert Foot.

Harry raced for a name, yet all his mind seemed capable of was looping through a list of women he knew personally while unhelpfully tacking on some disqualifying factor to each.

Petunia? After a lifetime at the Dursleys, there was no way he was going to let anyone call him by the same name as his horse neck of an aunt.

Lilly? There was no way he was using the name of his dead mother as a wank pass.

Marge? No. Just no.

Past the night maid were shelves covered in all different shapes, sizes, and colors of liquor bottles. Behind those was a expansive mirror set into the back wall. In the reflection, through an opening between two bottles, Harry could just make out a mass of black hair set around a pale face. Not the short, messy black hair he'd always associated with being a Potter. But the long, wild black hair that was more in line with that of a Black.

And like a distant echo, a memory of Hermione's voice was in the back of her mind. She had, in her usual bookish manner, during third year - when the three of them still thought Sirius was out to kill him - mentioned how Sirius was actually the Latin translation of the Greek word-

"Seirios." Harry told the night maid whom wrote the name down without hesitation, mercifully not asking how it was spelt. Mini-crisis averted, Harry breathed a sigh of relief and gave himself a mental pat on the back.

"Last name?"

"Black."

And immediately wished she could punch herself in the face.

The goth witches head snapped up to look at Harry with wide eyes just as the sound of someone doing a full mouth spit take onto a table shattered the relative silence of the pub.

Dread pooled in Harry's gut as that someone **** their way out from their booth and stormed across the bar, making a good attempt at coughing up a lung along the way. As much as Harry wished she couldn't, after years of potion classes it was all to easy to tell by the cough alone who it was.

She was roughly spun around before being held in a vice like grip by her shoulders to come face to face with Severus Snape.

His already pale face was drained of any remaining color - an aspect Harry was sure her own was quickly copying - while his eyes had dark bags beneath them. His hair was more unkempt then usual and the smell of **** was unmistakable on his breath, there still being a little of the drink present on his chin where he hadn't managed to wiped it all away.

"Your name, girl. Say it again." His hands, which felt like they were about ready to pop her shoulders from their sockets, gave her a quick, sharp shake.

"Seirios... Black." The words came out like an admission of guilt to a crime that'd get him the **** sentence. Harry had thrown the first name out just to give the night maid something to write down and the surname had just slipped out. Seirios was just Sirius in a different language. Sirius went with Black. Black went with Sirius. Sirius was followed by Black. It's just how it worked in his head.

And she'd just had that little slip of the tongue in front of the double, possibly triple, agent of the last two people Harry wanted to know that he wasn't safe and sound back at Privet Drive.

"I just wanted to get out of the house for a while and wank! How is this going so wrong?"

There was a second of consideration.

"Oh yeah. I'm Harry Potter. When does anything go right for me without going totally wrong first?"

Harry was brought back to earth when Snapes grip on her lessened.

"Ms. Greenwood... Mary!"

The Professors sharp word snapped the night maid out of her daze. She looked to him, jaw still dropped.

"Is the private room available?" Snape asked, voice dipping low on the word, 'private.'

Mary nodded. Standing straight, she visibly gather her wits and snapped the registry closed without writing another word before bringing Harry to her side, Snape reluctantly letting his polyjuiced student go.

"Come with me, Miss. Let's get you to your room." The night maid guided Harry quickly up the stairs, trunk floating dutifully behind. Casting a glance behind her as they acceded, Harry saw the increasingly blurry figure of Snape watching them until they rounded a corner out of sight.

"What did he mean by, 'the private' room?" Harry asked as she was guided past door after door, leaving behind any of the rooms he'd ever stayed in previously.

"Oh, nothing you need to worry about. Sometimes we have guests that desire a more confidential experience, you could say. So Tom had somethin special made up. Right through here." Mary led them down to the second to last doorway on the left. Swinging it in revealed what seemed to be a room for guests that been converted to one for storage. It was the same size and had the same layout, window on the wall and a bathroom to the side. But instead of containing a bed and dresser and such, it was instead filled with shelves the held all the items one might need to run an inn.

Closing the door behind them, Mary locked the door, unlocked it, locked it a second time before somehow locking it again. Giving the doorknob a twist, the door this time swung out into what should have been the hallway, but was instead what Harry would have called a suite in a muggle hotel.

"Alright." Mary said, levitating Harry's trunk over to the foot of the large bed. Letting it down, she gave a quick tour. "Here's the bedroom, obviously. Over here, the kitchen. It should have some basics in it for now. If you want anything more then that, it'll be on you to stock up. Ring this little bell here next to the sink if you need anything but don't want to leave the room. Over here, you have your washroom, study, so on. Just turn the dial to what you want. Make sure you have the door closed though when you do."

Taking a closer look at the only other door in the room other then the entrance showed a dial mounted on the wall next to it. It had labels like WASHROOM, CLOSET, STUDY, POTIONS, and more. Harry's interest upgraded from curious to excited when she noticed the SPELL PRACTICE option.

"And there you have it. Welcome to the most private experience one can have at the Cauldron, if not the whole Alley. All for the wizarding worlds newest celebrity. Anything you want before I leave you be for the night?"