On the outside always looking in, will I ever be more than I've always been?

An ache in Morgana’s heart brought back memories of her bad days back on earth. When she came to this island, she’d resolved to make a difference, to become the badass, sexy witch that she knew she was underneath.

But in the face of real magic, it had quickly become apparent that she was full of hot air. And the other girls weren’t exactly that receptive of her, either.

And just like that, she’d slipped back into being who she was before. The girl on the outside, looking in. Never the star, or the center of attention. The girl no one cared about, because she was just there.

These girls were all enjoying each other’s company, but Morgana… Morgana was just there. It didn’t matter that she had skin as smooth as porcelain or the body of a thicc goth sex goddess. All of a sudden, she was that pimply-faced scrawny nerd again.

All the changes in the world to her body couldn’t make her bold and brave and good at making friends like she wanted to be. And that skill was more important than anything when it came to winning at this game.

Between her own inadequacy as a person and the fact that the week had been consumed by focus on Mary’s wedding, Morgana didn’t know if she could do anything to save herself. But she didn’t want to go so soon.

I should have been more bold and friendly, she thought, looking down at the floor. If only I knew how to do that.

A hand on her shoulder made Morgana jump. She whirled around to see the last woman she expected standing behind her.

“Morgana? Are you alright?” Marley asked gently. She was just at the limit of her distance between herself and her sister, and she didn’t want to push her luck by getting any closer. But Carly was occupied by her conversation with the others, so she wasn’t paying attention to what Marley was doing.

That was good. Because it meant that Marley and Morgana could have a discussion with a little bit of privacy.

“Um… h-hi,” Morgana said, forcing a shaky smile to her lips. Marley was one of the people she’d grown closer to, along with her sister, due to the night they spent together watching anime. But she still wasn’t sure of how Marley felt about her.

I thought Marley and I were okay… but are we? Morgana’s nasty habit was rearing its head again. She doubted that Marley really wanted to converse with someone like her.

“I noticed you weren’t doing so good,” Marley said awkwardly. “Coming so low in the polls must have been a bit of a shock, huh?”

Morgana nodded silently. A sad expression crossed her face, conveying more than enough about her emotional state to the woman in front of her. When Marley had been Mimi, she had been more perceptive than she’d let on, able to pick up on the brief shifts in people’s emotions. Marley still had that skill herself.

And she knew what to do in a situation like this one. She hugged Morgana tightly.

“Um! Uh!” Morgana’s arms flailed around, and she wasn’t sure what to make of the sudden glomping. Before she knew it, everyone’s eyes were turned to her.

“Marley, what are you doing?” Carly asked, not sure what to make of her sister’s actions. “I think you’re bothering her.”

“No!” Morgana blurted out when Marley let her go. She already missed the other woman’s hug. “It, um, it wasn’t a big problem, I just… I…”

Everyone was looking at her now. Staring at her with those questioning eyes. She wasn’t used to being the focus of everyone’s attention.

She took a deep breath and exhaled. Then she put on a bombastic smile.

“It is of no concern!” She declared boldly, slipping into her witch persona. Putting on her shield, so she could protect herself. “Marley here was merely giving me a gesture of kindness, nothing more! But it was a wasted effort. One of my standing has no need for… for…”

Her eyes met Marley’s, and she saw the look of sincerity reflected in those blue pools.

Suddenly, Morgana’s voice refused to come out.

She wanted to boast about how great she was, in order to drive away all the questioning gazes. Gazes that doubted her. Gazes that filled her with doubt.

But she couldn’t do it. If she did… if she let that part of her out…

Dawn’s advice bounced around in her head. She wanted to connect with everyone here for real. Not just pretend to be the witch.

Left with no other options, stuck as the center of the attention, filled with embarrassment, and unable to put up her persona as a defense, Morgana played the only card she had left.

She fled from the Banquet Hall in shame.

“Wait, Morgana!” Marley cried. “Don’t run!”

“What’s going on?” Mary asked worriedly.

“I-I have no idea,” Carly said, shaking her head. She turned to her sister. “Marley, what did you say to her?”

“I didn’t say anything!” Marley protested. “I just… I… I was worried about her, so…”

Nick sighed, and scratched his head. “Look, um… maybe it’s better… if I go to find her,” he suggested.

Everyone looked at him, confused.

“You?” Dani asked, raising her eyebrow. “What would you say to her?” She sounded really worried for Morgana and her wellbeing.

Nick wasn’t sure. But he felt like this was his responsibility. He was the one who brought her here, after all.

“Guys… Morgana must be feeling kind of overwhelmed,” he explained. “I mean, come on. Who wouldn’t be? She’s only been here for a week, and she’s gone through all sorts of crazy stuff, her body has completely changed… and now she’s facing the prospect of elimination tomorrow, along with her first challenge. That’s gotta be a lot.”

Everyone shifted around a bit, and uncomfortable faces popped up all across the room. No one could really deny that.

“She’s not very good at making friends,” Dawn said solemnly. “I think… she must be afraid that she’s going to be eliminated tomorrow.”

“Look, I can’t explain it, but I think I’m the only one who can talk to her,” Nick said. “Can you guys just leave it to me?”

“Are you sure?” Kim asked. “If that’s what you want, Nick, then okay. If you think it will help.”

Nick nodded. “I think it will. Just trust me, okay?”

The others were nervous. No one wanted Morgana to go through anything negative. But they didn’t know how to make her feel better. She was like the group’s little sister. But she’d run away from them for some reason.

Maybe she wouldn’t run away from Nick.

Nick didn’t have to go far to find Morgana. He knew her type. When she was scared and nervous, there was only one place he could really expect her to go, and that was to her room.

Only, she didn’t have a room. Morgana didn’t have anywhere she could go to be safe. So with that in mind, he figured that she would go somewhere that no one would look for her.

He found her in the Master’s Suite huddling in the corner, wrapped in a golden blanket.

“You know, if you’re trying to hide from me, it’s not the best idea to hide in my room,” he noted, walking over and pulling the blanket off of her.

Morgana turned pale, and looked up at him. Her lip quivered, and her eyes were watering. “I… I’m sorry, I just… it was too much.”

“You came here because the other girls can’t come into this room without an invitation, isn’t that right?” Nick said softly, sitting next to her. “You didn’t want to see them right now.”

Morgana often curled up into a ball when she got nervous or scared. She’d hug her knees to her chest and make herself as small as possible. But she had a few difficulties managing that this time, thanks to a sizeable increase in her chest. She squished her legs against her boobs, but it didn’t have the same effect sadly.

With a sigh, she nodded her head.

“It was too much…” She repeated. “Everyone was looking at me, and they… I don’t know, I just… I froze. I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize,” Nick said gently. He reached out to pat her on the back, but held off. His hand hovered just above her black shirt, so close he could feel the tingle of electricity between the two of them. “Listen, Morgana… I get it. I really do. Sometimes, it’s too much.”

He knew all too well how it felt to want to curl up into a ball and hide in your room. For the first few weeks, he’d done exactly that.

But he knew that wasn’t the right move for Morgana. She couldn’t do something like that. After all, in her present situation, she was at risk of being eliminated. And while Nick wasn’t close to her, he didn’t want that to happen.

“It’s not like I want to be like this…” Morgana muttered, staring down at the golden carpet. “I really… I wanted to be confident and cool, like them. But Dawn said… she pointed out that all I was doing was pretending. I wasn’t showing them the real me.”

Nick frowned. “I see… yeah, that’s true.” He’d seen Morgana when she was “on”. The arrogant and haughty witch persona that she put up, crazy and obsessed and way too difficult to deal with. But he’d never once been fooled into thinking that was the real her. Like Rose, she’d been playing a role. Only it was a role she’d chosen for herself.

“Back when I was in school… it was easier that way,” Morgana said, looking off into the distance. “I could pretend like I wasn’t the problem… like I wasn’t the reason I didn’t have any friends. But that was never the truth. I could have had friends… but I drove them away. Because that’s what I do, I drive people away. Even you… you must think I’m gross too, huh?”

“What?” Nick had never heard this venom in Morgana’s voice. She turned to him with pain in her eyes and a bitter expression on her face. Usually, whenever Morgana looked at him, she was filled with fawning adoration. But he didn’t see a trace of that in the woman sitting next to him.

“When I first read your book… I thought that I’d finally found someone who saw the real me,” Morgana said, her voice cracking a little. “It seemed like every word you wrote… they were written for my sake. It was a book written just for me. Like you were right there with me, when I was at my lowest. So it didn’t matter that I didn’t have friends, because… because I had you. Your words… they saved me. But that’s the thing… it’s not real, is it?”

“Huh? What do you mean?” He asked, not sure what she was getting at.

“When I saw you with Mary… the love you two had for each other… at your wedding… that’s when I realized it. I saw that you really love her. And it’s not just her, either. The way you look at all of them… they’re precious to you. It’s so different from the way you look at me, like I’m just some annoyance. Someone you don’t want to deal with.”

He could see that she was fighting off tears. And frankly, he couldn’t blame her. He understood all too well what it was like to feel the sting of rejection.

Only… Nick had never rejected her. Not directly. But that didn’t change how she felt in the slightest. It still made her feel rejected.

“Morgana…” Nick didn’t know what to say. He could feel the sadness coming off her in waves, and wished he could do something about it. But he didn’t know what he could do. There was only one thing he knew for sure.

Morgana had fled here because she wanted him to find her. She may not have been consciously aware of that, but she’d run and hid somewhere that only he had permission to go. So even if it was on a subconscious level, she wanted him to come find her.

He had.

Now he just had to figure out how he could help.

Nick swallowed, and hardened his will. He needed to be firm with her, so she knew he was serious, but he also needed compassion. He didn’t want to make her uneasy or scared, or worst of all, to lose even more trust in him. He could see from the desperation in her eyes that she was teetering on the edge of her faith.

“Morgana… I’m really happy that my book touched you so deeply,” he said softly. “When I wrote that book, I was recovering from a very dark period of my life. I had a lot of pain that I was working through, and putting it all on the page helped me do that. But the truth is… I didn’t write that book for you. It wasn’t some kind of message or anything like that. I didn’t write that book for anyone to read, actually.”

Morgana’s eyes widened with surprise.

“Wait… what? Are you serious?”

She searched Nick’s expression to see if he was lying. But his face was devoid of deception.

He nodded. “Yes,” he said. “I’m serious. That book wasn’t written for you, or anyone else. I wrote it for me. Because writing out my feelings and getting my emotions on the page… it was how I worked through them. It was my way of expressing myself. If I could separate the feelings from me somehow, if I could bring them out into the real world… then it was like I had built a suit of armor that protected myself from them. Does that… does that make any sense at all?”

Morgana swallowed and nodded.

“I-I think I get it,” she acknowledged. “It’s like… in my diary.”

Nick stared at her for a second.

She turned red, and shook her head frantically. “N-no! Not that one! No… I mean… my other diary. The one I have back home. Well… actually, it’s ‘diaries’. Multiple.”

Morgana sighed dejectedly. “My diary… it was the only friend I had. Every day, when things were painful, I would have these dreams. These thoughts, really. Of getting even. And I would put all those thoughts into my diary, and it would make the pain… it wouldn’t hurt as badly…”

A bitter look crossed her face and she quickly shook her head. “Look at me!” She exclaimed, feeling horrible. “Saying stuff like that… trying to compare some bullies at school to the stuff you went through… I can’t believe I’m so gross and pathetic like that!”

Morgana was confronting her past for the first time, thanks to Nick. She took a long, hard look at all of her pain, and how thoughtlessly she’d compared her own experiences to what Nick had gone through. Nick had just been a face on a book jacket before. Some words, some articles online (which she had written). She’d idealized him and idolized him, and now that she’d met the real him…

“Your pain was worse than mine,” she muttered, scrunching down even smaller with shame. She deserved to be eliminated for being so insensitive.

“No,” Nick said gently, shaking his head. “I don’t think that’s the case at all.”

Morgana raised her head and looked at him, incredulously. “…Huh?”

“I can’t say for certain if my pain is worse than yours,” Nick repeated. “That’s just not how it works.”

Morgana shook her head. Yeah, he was crazy. “But… but your best friend died when you were a kid! And before that, your birth mother! And then a few years ago, you lost your dad too… the worst that’s ever happened to me is that my grandpa passed away, and I barely even knew him!”

She felt shame and guilt at thinking her own hardships could possibly hold a candle to what Nick had endured.

“Everyone’s pain is different, Morgana,” Nick said simply. “No one has ‘better’ or ‘more’ pain than another person. We have different levels of things we can tolerate. For example, look at Gina and Mary.”

“What about them?” Morgana asked.

“When it comes to sex stuff, Gina… she’s okay with a LOT,” Nick said. “But Mary… she’s much more conservative about stuff like that.”

Well… maybe before yesterday that was true, Nick reconsidered, thinking back to how his night with Mary had gone.

Maybe the two girls had more in common than he thought.

“…Anyway, my point is that what one person is okay with doesn’t have any impact on what another person will be okay with,” Nick said, trying to explain his point. “Morgana, you’ve been through your own hardships. Being alone and ostracized from everyone around you, that must have been hard. And just like how it was difficult for you to understand that from my point of view, I can’t say for certain what it’s like to live your life, either. And that’s true for everyone, don’t you think? The other girls, they don’t know what it’s like to be you, and you don’t know what it’s like to be them.”

Morgana considered that thought with brand new eyes. “I… I never thought of it that way,” she admitted. “I always thought that I was suffering more than anybody else… but I guess… I just didn’t try to look at things from other people’s point of view, huh?”

Nick nodded. “But it’s not too late to start, is it?”

Morgana shook her head. “No…” She admitted. “No, I guess it’s not.”

The brought a smile to his face.

“Good,” he said, patting her on the back for real this time. “That’s what I want to hear.”

Morgana was looking better, but Nick didn’t leave her. He was going to stay by her side for as long as she needed him, so she knew that he wasn’t just saying whatever crap he thought she wanted to hear so she’d feel better.

These were things he actually believed. And he hoped that Morgana would believe them too.

“Nick… can I ask you something?” Morgana raised her head and looked him in the eye again. “You said… you said that writing, that it was a release for you. That it made you feel better. What do you mean by that?”

Nick sighed. “That… it’s a long story,” he said somberly. “But the truth is… I wasn’t ever going to publish my book. Heck, it practically couldn’t even be considered a book when I wrote it. But… someone encouraged me to do it.”

“Really?” Morgana’s eyes widened slightly. “Who?”

A small smile touched Nick’s lips has he stared off into the distance.

“It was Holly,” he admitted. “Holly and Mary. They were the ones who showed me how good it was, to get my words out onto the page. How to take my pain, and turn it into something that could help other people.”

His mind flashed back to those days in college, when the two of them had helped him out more than he ever could have imagined.