Of course you aren't!

Your face is flushed hot, and you know it must look beet red on the camera. Dear god, what is happening?

"ma'am?" you ask. Your voice comes out as a trembling croak.

She responds by folding her arms across her chest and raising her eyebrow even higher.

"Of course not ma'am!" You blurt out. "I'm not a..."

"Dirty little masturbator?" she finishes for you smoothly.

"No!" you say. "I mean, I don't!"

You fall silent, swallowing hard. You feel sweat trickling from your hairline. You realize you are exhausted from the interrogation and your glance at the clock tells you that you have been on this call for an hour and a half.

"Hmm, well okay," says Rebeccah's mother, as though she doesn't believe you at all.

"Let's recap," she says, holding up her finger.

"You don't have many friends and didn't play sports in highschool, because you preferred your books and your computer. Your favorite foods are hotdogs and chicken strips. You don't drink and have never done ****. You are not too tall - 5 and half feet, and you are as skinny as a rail. You met my daughter on vacation and fell in love. She's come to visit you a few times and you've both decided you can't be apart. You have a degree in computer science and plan on getting a job as a software developer, but you have to wait to get married, and get your green card. In the mean time, you are hoping to live at my house. Is that correct?"