Night of the General

“Hello, and welcome to Harem Hotel. I will be your host this season. You may call me the General.”

A thin waifish man smiles at the camera, before it zooms out. There is not a building surrounding him, but instead, a plain of hellfire, the sky filled with flame and black rock. It can only be Hell.

“I took this job, as part of a work release program. I committed quite a few atrocities, but I’ll tell you more about them as we get into it. We can’t completely explain my backstory in the first episode, can we?”

He smiles, before he claps his hands. “Now, let’s get started. Let’s meet our Master for this season.” He claps again, and a door appears in the otherwise featureless plain. The green door opens to reveal a green room. The woman who enters is a pretty goth.

“Ah yes, the rare female led season. Please introduce yourself.” The General smiles with sadistic glee, but the woman rattles through her lines like a bored woman reading out an order she just received at the local Rural King.

“My name is Thalia Yankovic. I own my own tattoo parlor, and I like corgis.”

The General looks a bit perturbed, but he soldiers on. “Well, what do you think of our game? Are you terrified?”

She shrugs. “Nah, I actually sort of think it sounds fun.”

This causes the thin man to grow increasingly angry. “Fun?! Are you crazy or just stupid?! Well, I’m sure you’ll change your tune, when you see just who you will be paired up with. Let us show you the first contestant!”

He snaps, and another green door appears. The man who walks out is handsome, a fit and mildly athletic Asian man. He too says his introduction with a monotone voice.

“Hello, my name is Raymond Chen. I am a psychiatrist by trade, and I also have a hobby of painting. I am Thalia’s psychiatrist.”

The General glows with glee. “Ah yes, perfect. A man suited to using his incredible skills to insinuate yourself into this girl’s mind and heart. Tell me, what is our beautiful Master’s weakness. Anxiety? Depression? What perverse conquest awaits us?”

The psychiatrist looks at the thin man, completely nonplussed. “She has epilepsy. So, uh, I guess if you want to use her weakness, you could easily flash some lights, I guess? I mean, I don’t know why you’d do that, but you know, you asked and I was compelled to answer so…”

The General looks peeved, but he just continues on, “Ok, so that’s a dead end, and no, I didn’t mean that as a joke. Now, let’s see what debauchery lies behind the next door.”

He points, another door forms, and a buff man with black hair steps through. As he sees Thalia, he waves. His monotone answer fills the stygian plains. “Hello, my name is Raymond Scott. I am Thalia’s ex. I work in construction.”

To this, the General laughs with glee. “Ah, the ex, a tried and true Harem Hotel classic! Although, that name might need to change. Do you go by Ray, or maybe we can call you Scott? Although let’s get to the juicy bits. Why did the two of you break up?”

The monotone answer only serves to make the General wince. “We dated in High School for one date. This was 10 years ago. We both sort of felt it wasn’t working out. We parted amicably, and there were no other interactions beyond saying hi in the corridor. And I tend to go by Raymond or Mr. Scott.”

The General waves it off. “Alright, Scott it is. Now, let’s move on.” A snap and another door. Through it walks a thin man, alt in appearance. The General is quick to try to pivot. “Ah, you look like you share tastes with Thalia. Excellent, excellent. Maybe a coworker, a lover?”

Thalia answers this one. “I’ve never seen this man in my life.”

The General jumps in, “Ah, a stranger! Now, I don’t much care for this class in other seasons, but I’m willing to have you change my mind. Why don’t you introduce yourself more fully.”

The man who just arrived looks at the assembled people. “I’m sorry, I don’t really know too much about myself. I… I sort of seem to not remember much of anything.”

Raymond Chen looks perturbed. “An amnesiac? That’s strange, it’s actually an incredibly rare condition. Can you tell us anything, anything at all, the last memory you had, whether you remember where you were even five minutes ago?”

The tattooed man shakes his head. “No, nothing. Although I do seem to have this tattoo, and I get the feeling that it’s my own name. So I guess that is something.”

The camera zooms in on one tattoo. It is stylized like a signature. Raymond

The General looks absolutely livid. He turns on Thalia, shouting in her face. “What is the meaning of this? Do you live in some weird world where the only name is Raymond?”

The goth girl blows a bubble as the man yells in her face. As it pops, she answers. “Nope. If you want to blame somebody, blame your producers.”

Cue laugh track.

“What was that?” The General looks around, only for Thalia to look at him like he was crazy. “What was what?” “The laughter.” He seems to look increasingly afraid. Thalia shrugs. “I didn’t hear any laughter.”

The General looks around, but tries to take control again. “Well, ok. Well, uh Raymond, if you don’t know your name, I guess we could go by something that is not Raymond, like Carl or whatever.” The tattooed man looks nonplussed and shrugs.

The General raises his hand, pointing as another door appears. A fourth man walks out, this one an elderly man using a walker.

Cue laugh track.

The General runs up, nearly knocking the old man over. “Ok, that’s it, your name, what is it!” “Raymond Walters.” “Do you know who she is?”

The old man looks at Thalia, trying to place her. “Uh, I think I saw her enter my Walmart once?”

The General grabs the man bodily, lifting him from his walker. “That’s it, you’re going to be my guinea pig to get this shitshow back on track. Transformation time.”

Cue shocked gasps.

“Yeah, that’s right, you’re right to be shocked. Now, show all of the transformations for the audience to vote on.”

Raymond Walters

Raymond of Sunshine- Wherever Raymond goes, it will always be a bright clear day. During his sleep, it might rain to keep the local ecosystem from drought. When he enters Philadelphia, it will change to only raining.

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Raymond- Raymond will forget any memory that he cannot recall.

Raymond Your Manners- Everyone will always be polite when in Raymond’s presence.

The General throws Raymond, only for him to catch himself on his walker and barely prevent himself from toppling.

“What is this? Is this all a sick joke?”

Cue laugh track.

“Shut up, shut up, you stupid live studio audience, I’ll destroy you. I’m the host, I’ve been vested with incredible powers, you will rue the day that you decided to mess with me…”

The man continues his diatribe at an empty field. Thalia turns to her psychiatrist. “Is he ok?” The man shrugs. “Looks like paranoid schizophrenia, but you try not to diagnose every person who crosses your path in my line of work.”

“...You sons of bitches, I’m going to ruin every single one of you. I demand an explanation for this!”

“I can give an explanation.”

The crowd cheers, as if giving a standing ovation.

The General rounds on the man, who appears quite handsome. “And who on Earth might you be and how the hell did you get here?!”

“I’m Ray. Ray Romano. I’m a stand up comedian and actor. And I came through a door.” He pointed at a door, and two other men stand at nearby doors, looking at the clearly crazed man who only seconds ago was shouting with trepidation.

“You seem like you might’ve been pointing and gesticulating all over the place. I think your crew took it as a sign to open the other doors.” Ray Romano says, by way of explanation.

“Oh, you’re acting like you know it all. Well then tell me this, why is it that you’re here.”

“I’m competing on Harem Hotel. I know the full title, but I’m under NDA. I woke up about an hour ago, and tried to call my agent. I didn’t get a response. I looked out the window, saw the Asphodel fields, and tried my old agent, the one who died. He picked up, told me the job, explained everything. I then called my lawyer who also died, and they told me that they couldn’t get me out of the contract, but that I should just have fun with it.”

“Is this a joke? Or some type of punishment?”

Ray Romano looks at the cowering man, clearly coming to the true conclusion. “Yes.”

Cue laugh track.

“So then the last two men…” “They’re also called Raymond.” “And the transformation?” “Cute fluff, things that won’t hardly hurt us.”

“So this is…” “A punishment. A comedy, most divine.”

The General stands up, now a puppet on his own strings. “Yes, this is Harem Hotel: Everybody Loves Raymond.”