Nick Reynolds, a 27 year old author seeing a therapist, by Exarch-of-Sechrima

“I know that fucking weird ass title style from a mile away. This is another Harem Hotel!”

“Indeed.”

“Holy fuck. Isn’t that like the third fucking time we cover this story, Marcie?”

“Yes, it is. With three different authors, which actually makes this one a record.”

“The first guy was some old fuck, the second a lesbian and this one is about...an author?”

“Why, yes. It is always wonderful when writers write writers.”

“Meh, they are all cringy self inserts.”

“Cringy or not, we are reading Nick Reynolds, a 27 year old author seeing a therapist, by Exarch-of-Sechrima"

“Pretentious username with an anime girl avatar. I can already tell this will be shit.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

While Nick didn't think he was outright ugly, he had let himself go since college; he only bothered to shower and shave before he went out, his brown hair was starting to grey prematurely, and he'd developed a slight bit of pudge in his stomach that stubbornly refused to go away.

“So, not only a self insert but a low esteem self insert.”

“Play nice, Gina.”

“Yeah, yeah, so this deadbeat is apparently a published author(hah! This writer wishes!) But he kinda doesn’t get anything done so he sees a shrink to help him stop being such a virgin loser nerd.”

“You never leave your house,” she reminded him. “You don’t even work. Do you think the perfect girl is just going to fall out of the sky? Do you expect you’ll be magically whisked away to some tropical paradise where a harem of beautiful women fight over the right to be with you? Those are fantasies, Nick.” Her voice got harsher. “If you want to fall in love, you can’t just rest on the money from your book. You have to actually try.”

“Excellent. Let us use this paragraph to examine the “oddly specific” trope.”

“It’s the first fucking chapter, Marcie.”

“This is obviously a reference to what will happen later. But the problem here comes twofold: First, we all know this is going to happen so it does not work as foreshadowing and second it does not make much sense in the context of the conversation. He puts the failure on him to which the therapist responds with a fantasy he never had in the first place. Why would she even say that? It simply does not flow well.”

“She then suggest he takes a tropical vacation and...oh...BWAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT, Marcie!”

“W-well, alright fine, how was I supposed to know that she is the host? That’s hardly fair.”

“Maybe if you wouldn’t bitch every two seconds we would have actually gotten to that reveal!”

“At least the story does not waste our time, we get introduced to the setting, a tropical island, and then quickly move through the girls and...oh my...”

“Marcie…”

“So...the **** up, completely wasted her life junkie is called Gina, hmm?”

“Marcie….”

“She even looks a bit like you. With the black hair, impudent eyes and smug smirk.”

“Shut up!”

“But you are not an exact copy. After all her breasts…”

*HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS*

“Alrigh, alright. To placate Gina let us look at the other contestants Hm...a mesugaki, an asian girl, the feminist, a very religious girl, a cosplayer...”

“Oh look, it’s the token lesbian, geez I wonder if she will be **** to suck dick at some point.”

“AND THE DEAD SHALL RISE!” Sylvia crowed in triumph. Let’s see the other hosts top THAT! Bringing the master’s long lost love back from the grave? Talk about a fricking genius plan!

“Eh, Diss did it first.”

“And with one Zombie girlfriend as twist contestant the roster is complete. Not bad, could be better could be worse.”

“I don’t like that there are less lesbians then in cow guy’s path but I do like that there is no **** in it.”

“Give it time, Gina. The gimmick of this season is that eight new girls will join the harem which also means eight girls will get eliminated.”

“Yeah, we see about that. So far none of those pussy authors actually had the guts to eliminate a girl.”

“As tradition we quickly get our first fix of sexy transformations.”

“Marcie?”

“Yes, Gina?”

“Why do these readers constantly have the urge to prove that they have absolute garbage taste?”

“Hm, what do you mean, Gina?”

“They turn Gina from a goth girl into some goodie two shoes! They got rid of Dani’s hot body and oh geez! The feminist gets turned into a cuck. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES!”

“I think there is a bit more to Holly then just being a feminist.”

“Bah! We also got the generic cat girl transformation and Kim gets uhhh...she is **** to wear schoolgirl outfits. Uuuuhhhh! How scandalous!”

Dakota – 2500 BP

1. Dawn – 2500 BP
2. Gina – 2000 BP
3. Dani – 2000 BP
4. Kim – 2000 BP
5. Carly – 2000 BP
6. Mary – 1500 BP
7. Holly – 500 BP

“You know what is really scandalous? These names.”

*Gina inhales deeply*

“I can excuse the three who end on a Y, given that at least the others four all end on a different letter. What I will not excuse is that, with the exception of Dakota, all those names are five letters or less!”

“…”

“And this is more an answer for wrynn, because let us not kid ourselves, he is absolutely reading this. No, the fact that these are nicknames makes no difference. I do not care what their actual names are, I care what their names used in the story are and how easily it is to differentiate them from each other!”

“So...is the self insert or cow guy worse in terms of names?”

“hmm...a good question, Gina. It is close but I would say wrynn’s naming sense is slightly worse. But just by a hair. Dissonant is far ahead of both of them.”

“Good that we cleared that up. So, transformations aren’t really anything to write home about and now we get to the boring schlock that is the dates before the first challenge. Great start. NOT!”

“Allow me to say something positive, Sylvia is very entertaining as a host. I prefer her to what is her name and Ruby and Al, who were very rude and still have not gotten back to my proposal!”

She whimpered, reaching up to her sweat-covered chest and mauling her boobs

Carly stared up at him, still mauling away at her gash as she urged him on with her eyes.

“Fucking maul my boobs until they’re bruised and bleeding.”

“And alas, yet another author who does not understand that the word maul is only ever reserved for a particular viciousness of nature. That of one creature whose pure strength completely eclipses another.”

“I am getting really tired of this joke, Marcie.”

“I do not. This author uses the word maul so much I’m tempted to make Duel of Fates the BGM for this review.”

“So, dates! First of, these chapter are long as fuck, like holy shit!”

“They are indeed. But I do not think that is a bad thing. We were fairly harsh with this writer but make no mistake, this story is competently written. The chapters maybe long but none of the script feels overblown or tedious to get through. I personally would have just preferred if the chapters were split up a bit more.”

“Meh, I disagree. It’s just Nick doing random shit with the girls. He doesn’t even fuck them so I don’t see how….HOLLY SHIT IT’S AN AQUARIUM…”

“…”

“Marcie, Holly might be best girl.”

Stepping into Deep Blue was like entering another world. It wasn’t like most traditional aquariums with things like penguins or dolphins, many of the creatures in Deep Blue were those found near the bottom of the ocean.

“Never mind, this lame place doesn’t even have sharks!”

“I don’t think many aquariums have these, Gina.”

“But they are on a tropical island! There’s gotta be some sharks in this story, right? RIGHT?”

“Maybe?”

“Yeah, there better be!”

Why Sylvia would think to install a pool in a hotel with a beach less than five minutes away was anyone’s guess, and not the predominant thought in Nick’s mind right now.

“That is...figuratively every beach resort ever. In fact, you would have to go out of your way to find a resort that does not have a pool.”

“You may have yet to notice, Marcie, but Nick is kinda a moron.”

“Which he demonstrates very aptly when he and a couple of the girls attempted to attack the host. It goes about as well as you imagine.”

“Why did Dawn even agree to this? Isn’t she supposed to be the smart one?”

“It is a bit jarring. But you know what they say, you can not write a character that is smarter then you. At least they get some nice transformations out of the bargain. Dawn gets a super sensitive tail, Gina receives tattoo's that trigger demented sex scenes and Dani...hehehe.”

“You are enjoying yourself too much, Marcie.”

“See, these are the type of transformations I can get behind. Sylvia calls them punishments but they are really more standard fare on other seasons. I want more humiliating stuff like this.”

“And now that the dates are over we finally get to the fun part of Harem Hotel: The challenges! Which is a fucking race!”

“Yes, as a first challenge it does leave a bit to be desired. The girls have to split up in teams of two and raise each other around the island in swimsuits while being lubed up by arousing sunscreen. It sadly sounds more exciting then it actually turned out to be and it ends very quickly.”

“I don’t like to praise cow guy but his first challenge was better!”

“For once we agree.”

“So...meaning the stand currently is Team Diss: 1 Team Cow guy: 1 and zero points for Team self-insert.”

“...you are keeping track of that, Gina?”

“These fuckers make a living pitting girls against each other. It’s only fair that we do the same.”

“Alright fine.”

“How does it feeeeeeeel? Uuuuuh...selfie your chapters are soooo long and wordy. How embarrassing! You better cut to the chase a bit quicker or cute little Cow over here is going to run circles around you!”

“Gina. You need another appointment with Dr. Zoidberg.”

“So, while this footrace goes on, a new girl joins the harem. Oh, fuck we didn’t even talk about that did we, Marcie?”

“We talk about her later. So, skip to next round of transformations.”

“Eeeehhh. I fucking hate to agree with you, but these aren’t doing it for me either, Marcie.”

“They lack a bit of...spice? Some are nice. I like Holly and her whole cuck related transformations and Kim’s obsession with finishing stuff has the potential to be really fun but then you also have Mary getting bigger breasts and Carly can now change...her hair. I still think Diss had the best transformations overall.”

“Meaning the stand is Team Diss: 2, Team Cow guy: 1, Team selfie: Zero, bwahahahaha! Get fucked, loser! Still zero! Next time you think twice before putting a girl called Gina in your porn story. You fuck! Prepare for your exit transformation!”

“Gina, be nice.”

“Fuck you. I want to turn selfie into a busty blonde that’s get super aroused by writing porn but is unable to climax until someone praises her for her work!”

“Besides, shouldn’t sachrima at least get one point for best host? #JusticeforSylvia"

“Ugh...FINE! But cow girl gets a point for best master. So there!”

“Cow girl?”

“I genderbent him as a punishment transformation for the crime of being anti Holly.”

“…”

“…”

“The second week commences and things are actually starting to heat up. The new girl, Rose, is screwing with everyone even the audience.”

Rose rolled her eyes, too caught up in the argument to bother playing nice anymore. Mary was coming after movies now, and that was a topic she didn’t back down from. “Oh, please!” She sneered. “What kind of loser would sit at home all day reading some dumb story? Only someone completely pathetic would waste their time reading a book or an online story when they could go out into the world on an actual date and watch a movie!”

“How rude. We are respectable reviewers. Hardly comparable with the other dregs that read these stories.”

“I guess that’s why these fucks always bitch around in the comments. Like cow girl, yeah but there is also this other fuck with the fuck story.”

“...You mean Mrwhysper.”

“Yeah, still need to hire his services. Oh and Diss shows up too now and then. It’s like everyone is converging here like some giant virgin convention. Very creepy.”

“Speaking of virgins, we are talking about Rose, our virgin seductress. Heh, get it? Because Nick is a virgin but also...”

“I like her, at least thanks to her we got actual sex and not just some lame teasing.”

“I am surprised you are ok with that, Gina.”

“There’s enough lesbian stuff that I’m ok with it. Like the threesome with Rose, Dawn and Nick. That was hot.”

“Huh.”

“DON’T HUH ME!”

“My…”

“DON’T MY ME EITHER.”

“So did little Gina masturbate to the catty catgirl?”

“S-shut up!”

“What is the matter? Cat got your tongue?”

“NO! Fuck you! We didn’t get this far in the review for you to start with your puns now!”

“I guess the cat is out of the bag now.”

“ugh, CONTINUE!”

“Alright, what about your namesake sex scene then?”

“What about it?”

“I just thought...maybe you could self insert.”

“OH, HELL NOW! This bitch is totally crazy and has a shit ton of mental issues!”

“To be fair, so does half the cast. Dawn has self esteem issues big enough to drown herself. Although that is more Dakotas thing.”

“Wow. Really, Marcie?”

“Rose was insane enough to volunteer for the show. And do not even get me started with the bundle of madness that is Holly. Seriously, this season should be called Harem Hotel: Trauma Edition. Actually, let me talk a bit about Holly. Because this is a good opportunity to discuss flashbacks.”

“Yeah, you do that. I’m going to the bathroom.”

“So, here is the thing: Flashbacks are simply not a particularly compelling mechanic for storytelling. I admit, they can have their uses but more often then not a character telling something is way more effective to garner sympathy. And yes, I know, I know. This flows completely against conventional wisdom and subscribers to the “show don’t tell” fallacy will certainly have their pitchforks out by now. However, only third rate authors believe blindly in “show don’t tell.” You want an example? All you have to do is compare how Gina’s backstory differed from Holly’s. Despite the fact that we only gotten told about what Gina went through it felt much more pivotal. More real and nuanced. More impactful. One of the commentators already made the same observation so I refrain from going any further on the topic. But I consider this Holly chapter the first real misstep of the story.”

*fluuuuuuuush*

“That was fast. Did you wipe properly?”

“SHUT UP! Are you done?”

“Indeed.”

“Good, so...were where we?”

“The phone call were the contestants are allowed to bring their affairs in order. Some of them are quite tragic. This story does not delve as much in the existential dread as Diss’s but it does have it’s moments.”

“Hello?” He recognized his stepmother’s stern voice from anywhere. Amelia Campbell (née Reynolds, she’d returned to her maiden name after his father’s passing) had an upper-class English accent that illustrated her high breeding; how the hell Nick’s father managed to convince her to marry him was a shock.

“I KNEW IT!”

“Without **** can it even be called Harem Hotel? Anyways, let us move on to the second challenge.”

“Oh yeah and holy fuck, Marcie, remember when we talked that the first one was short as fuck? Selfie is compensating hard this time around. This shit goes on forever!”

“This challenge is card based. The girls have to find cards on the island and get points depending on their value. I can tell the author put a lot of effort into it but he got just a tad overzealous. It was good but should have been cut short by about two chapters. The slime girls were overkill.”

“I like slime girls. But they were treated more like zombies then anything, so meh. Anyways, in the end Dawn screwed over Holly and achieved her first victory.”

“Who would have thought the little undercat would finally pull off a win.”

“…”

“You know, like underdog but…”

“I GET IT!”

“But of course if there was a victor there as to be a loser and...”

“And the cuck gets eliminated.”

“Gina, I thought you liked Holly?”

“Nah, that was just an excuse to punish cow girl. But I mean, that exit transformation really was tame.”

“Yes, Holly was left intact both mentally and physically. She can now only orgasm if given the order to do so by one of her fellow contestants and only after said contestant achieved orgasm. This would be a very tame exit transformation even if Holly would not absolutely love it. Why, if it was me...”

“Nobody cares, Marcie. At least she did not get transformed into a cloth hamper like certain weirdos in the comments demanded.”

“We get some other transformations for the remaining girls and what can I say? They remain to not be up to my taste. However we also get our newest auditionee to replace Holly. It is…”

“SLIME GIRL!”

“Gina.”

“THERE’S A FUCKING SLIME GIRL JOINING THE HAREM!”

“Yes, but…”

“WZGRNFIDVKWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIII!”

“You really like slime-girls.”

“N-No, I mean they are ok. I just like how they feel and how they can engulf you and...fuuuck slime girls are the best…”

“So, Gina, does that mean you give sachrima a point for best contestant?”

“HHHHMMMMMM….oooof that’s really fucking hard….”

“Take your time.”

“I mean….a slime-girl is goooood, but it’s not shark-girl. And other then that there’s only a single lesbian in the group. I think I will have to give cow girl the win, at least until selfie throws in a sharkgirl.”

“So, it is quantity over quality for you.”

“Oh piss off.”

“Also I veto that.”

“WHAT!”

“The best roster of contestants comes from Diss. Obviously.”

“No, fuck you, Marcie. That rooster is full of **** and old hags.”

“So, is wrynn’s”

“Fuck you!”

“Fine, fine, we give both a point?”

“Alright, of course that means selfie is left in the dust even further. Hehehe, oops, sorry for ignoring you when this is supposed to be your review. But that’s how you like it you little slut, don’t you?”

“I believe this review has really gone on long enough, Gina.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So, as is tradition….which girl is your favorite.”

“THE SLIME GIRL!”

“Really. After all this time we spent with these characters, you are literally going for the one that has what, three lines of dialog so far?”

“It is a slime girl, Marcie. Your input is invalid.”

“Alright, I choose…”

“Marcie, I’m warning you.”

“I choose…”

“Don’t you fucking dare!”

“Gina.”

“FUCK YOU!”

“What can I say? I just have a thing for broken things.”

“Then what about Holly? Or Dakota?”

“These are nice too, but you know, they both have found their place. Gina is the only one who really requires to get her life in order. She is like a small child, **** in need of correction.”

“Oh you want to talk brats? Fine, my least favorite girl is that obnoxious know it all cat Dawn! I hope she gets eliminated and turned into an actual catgirl and then Gina takes care of her and her intelligence is reduced but not too much so she is still fully aware of what is going on and the only way to temporarily get her intelligence back is if she brings Gina to orgasm with her tongue, while Gina taunts her about how much of a loser she is.”

“...for your least favorite character you sure talk a lot about her.”

“Shut up! Who is your least favorite then?”

“That is actually an extremely difficult question. I could pick the Slime girl of course but unlike you I have some standards.”

“Grrrr….”

“Probably Carly? But it is not like I hate her or anything. Honestly, I must give sachrima some praise. These characters are very likeable. I also had absolutely no problem telling them apart, which is especially impressive with these horrendous names.”

“I guess I don’t hate them completely.”

“In fact when it comes to the banter between them, I think I actually give sachrima a point, even though I think Diss’s character are overall a tad better written.”

“So, meaning the tally currently is... Team Diss: 3 Team cow girl: 3 and Team selfie: 2 Are you kidding me? That can’t be right!”

“Indeed. Diss is clearly at the top, followed by sachrima and then wrynn.”

“No, fuck you Marcie. Cow-girl is best girl, then comes selfie and THEN Diss!”

“Gina, please. Unlike you I can recognize a great writer when I see it and do not let my personal opinion impact my ruling.”

“Yeah because your personal opinion fucking sucks!”

“Haaaa...so I guess in the end the only thing we both agree on is that this season…”