My spirit animal is Moose. (...that's his name. Moose.) [Himbo]

Look, you're not a complicated guy. In high school you were a star defensive back and you loved it, but in college the pressure became too much and you partied your shot away. Back then they called you "The Tank" because, well, you were big and unstoppable at keggers. Now your life is all about Circuit Town, where you use your considerable muscle to ferry heavy appliances from delivery trucks to the stock room, to paying customers waiting in their cars, and sometimes back into a delivery truck.

You've got no regrets, though—honestly, there isn't much you should regret. There is that **** on your record from the time you ejected this douche from a house party...through the plate glass door...to the balcony on the second floor...that hung over the cement patio. But the girl whose drink he spiked sure appreciated it, and the crowd absolutely loved it (he actually missed the pavement, bouncing off the diving board chest first and into the in-ground pool, it was fucking awesome). In general, people remember you being uncommonly kind for a meatheaded jock, with a knack for making people feel safe and welcome around you, regardless of whatever social circles they might've run in. Not a bad legacy to leave, really.

Still, you've been at Circuit Town for a few years now, and you have to wonder—isn't there more to look forward to? Fuck's sake, did you seriously ruin your life by daring to enjoy your time in college, instead of trying harder to memorize shit you have absolutely no interest in? Surely, there had to be a place for people like you in this world.

"Bring The Veil into The Glorious Light" sounded like just the kind of hero shit you'd be good at. You quit your job at Circuit Town, started a conspiracy board on your bedroom wall, and hit the library to find information on any prophecies involving a "Veil" and a "Glorious Light," for guidance on what you were supposed to do. The research process made your head hurt and your eyes spin, and your landlord was getting really interested on how you planned to make rent next month, but you were convinced that if you just kept reading everything you could on either subject, and kept adding to that wall, it would all eventually make sense.

The lawyer thought it was all very funny, of course. So did you. Heck, you might not be a hero, but a strip club was a good consolation prize.

It's easy to think why you were meant to slay some dragons. Physically, you're A Specimen. You may not have gone too far since your glory days on the football field and college campus, but you've kept yourself in top shape. Your body is cut; massive pecs and shoulders, bulging arms, an abdominal six-pack so rock solid it looks like it could stop a knife. You also kept your long, feathered mane of hair from those days, inspired by your undying love of 80s metal. (Your road trip playlist was non-stop Lone Stallions because of course it was idiot, Lone Stallions roooooooooock!) Instead of looking tacky, however, the hair compliments your strong jaw and muscular frame, while your soft eyes keep you accessible and interesting. Chicks love looking at you. The ones you talk to love you more for your friendly, accepting nature. The ones you take home adore you for the eight-inch problem solver dangling between your legs.

Of course, most move on once they realize you no think very smart, but that's okay; they're on their journey, and now, finally, you're on yours. Pure of heart, strong of cock, dumb of ass; that's you, and you own it.

Character Sheet: Jon Snough
(You can enter your character's name in the "Customize" tab on the right.)

• Race: Human
• Age: Quarterlife
• Build: Swole (Low Fat, High Muscle)
• Penis: Huge (High Length, High Girth)
• Intelligence: 1
• Sensitivity: 2
• Charisma: 4
• Strength: 6
• Athleticism: 6