Mr. William Collins reviewed

Elizabeth slept uneasily and awoke very early. The coming of that dreadful, pompous, arrogant and self serving pervert of a priest, Mr. Collins, could only mean one thing. Due to his asking permission to speak with her in advance of the visit, it was clear that it was his intention to make a proposal of marriage, because that is how these things were done. Were that all there was to it, Elizabeth would have easily taken this in her stride and with gentle firmness, declined his proposal. However, in this particular instance, there were complications. William Collins was a sole male cousin and this made him the only heir to her father's estate when he died. This would make him head of the family; to Elizabeth, an intolerable prospect. Unfortunately, her mother thought otherwise for the following reasons. Mr. Collins not only presided over one of the most affluent parishes in the county, (a fact that was reflected in his salary), but he was also under the patronage of a certain Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Lady Catherine was a woman of great power and influence and held such Conservative views as would make Genghis Khan seem a limp wristed liberal by comparison. For instance, she'd been a great supporter of the **** trade and public executions and hence was mightily displeasured that these two things had recently been abolished. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she also happened to be the aunt of Georgiana and Fitzwilliam Darcy which, in Elizabeth's opinion, explained a lot! Both Mr. Bennet and Elizabeth loathed her with a passion, whereas Mrs. Bennet worshipped the very ground her carriage drove over. Mrs. Bennet believed the marriage of one of her daughters to Mr. Collins would be a way of securing her family's future, whereas both Mr. Bennet and Elizabeth were inclined to think it might actually tear their family apart.

Unable to go back to sleep and not wishing to disturb Jane, Elizabeth wandered through the silent house pondering on how she was going to handle the loathsome Mr. Collins. Believing the entire household to be still abed, she was most startled to find her sister, Mary, up, dressed and already attending to her books. Of all the five sisters, Mary was considered to be the scholarly one and was indeed a most avid reader. In every other respect, she was very much a tomboy in both looks and nature, possessing as she did something of a rebellious spirit. Currently, she was studying the written works of the Marquis de Sade and finding them very much to her liking. Titillatingly so, in fact!

Mary put down her book, cocked her rather boyish looking head to one side and greeted Elizabeth with the words, "Morning Lizzy. Are you going to marry him then?" Elizabeth was sure her father had told her of Mr. Collins intension of visiting her in confidence as he'd not have wanted his wife to get any more excitable than she naturally was, and yet it appeared that the whole world was already aware of it. Her response was defensive.

"Oh really, Mary; since no one has as yet asked for my hand, I perceive no reason why I should grace your presumptive enquiry with an answer and so I will not."

"I strongly suspect that Mr. Collins will be asking for conjugal right of access to much more of you than just your hand, dear sister. I must confess to being mightily jealous of you, being courted by such a man who, rumour has it, is radically challenging the old ways of running the church. I hear he is doing the most extraordinary and delightful things with the younger male members of the choir. The traditionalist may tut about it but I think it admirable that he's reaching out to those young boys so open handedly. People are too quickly suspicious of change and tend to see evil where no evil exists these days. So what of it that Mr Collins appears to take physical pleasure in his chosen vocation! Some people seem to forget that it was Almighty God who created all the pleasures, including those of the flesh. I therefore believe that suppression of any pleasure is a heresy against the will of God. From what I've been reading, the Marquis de Sade agrees with me, as I'm sure would your quietly magnificent Mr. Collins were I granted the opportunity to discuss the subject with him."

"Oh really, Mary! Since you profess such a high opinion of this particular gentleman, it is to be wondered at as to why you do not seek to secure him in marriage for yourself !"

"Would that I could, beauteous flesh of my flesh. Alas, I lack your measure of feminine countenance and graces and therefore fear I am invisible to him. Yet I would willingly give my all to him and practically aid him in his most worthy endeavours. I would consider it a privilege indeed to be holding a young and struggling chorister down whilst he vigorously ministers to him. I fear Mr. Collins does not have the confidence in himself that his unique abilities merit. I would be advising him to quit the church in favour of opening an orphanage for boys. Under Lady Catherine's patronage, it is most certain that he could do this. He'd then have many boys of his own to sport with instead of having to borrow other people's. Together, we could enjoy lovingly disciplining them, one by one, in perfect intimate privacy." Mary then gave a long heartfelt sight that bore witness to her hitherto unsuspected sadistic tendencies.

Elizabeth was momentarily rendered mute and numb with shock. She should be repulsed by what her sister had just vouchsafed. She should have been horrified, but instead, she chose to be pragmatically sensible, a character trait she had often exhibited in the past that had won her father's respect and special affection. So she reasoned thus: She didn’t want to marry Mr. Collins but Mary did. Mr. Collins and Mary appeared to share similar interests. Mr. Collins liked boys and of all the girls she had ever met, Mary was most definitely the most boyish. Furthermore, Mr. Collins was destined to inherit her father's estate irrespective of whom he married, so surely having him espoused to a member of the family would better protect the family's continuing residence in this most agreeable home than if he married someone who would might have them evicted in favour of her own family. Gradually, horror gave way to hope as she realised how this apparent disaster might be turned into an opportunity to benefit the entire Bennet family.

"Dearest Mary" she said in a soft, conspiratorial manner, "do you truly wish to marry Mr. Collins?"

"With all my heart."

"Then put away your books and attend to your appearance so as to make yourself look a little more attractively boyish than you naturally do. I meanwhile and when the opportunity arises, will seek to seduce Mr. Collins to your cause on your behalf. Should he prove to be the type of man I suspect him to be, he will be proposing to you this very day."

Tears welled up in Mary's soft brown eyes as she sought to catch her breathe. "You would do such a wonderful thing for me, Lizzy? Then my heart is full to bursting. Would it be very wrong of me to snog you in pure and loving gratitude for your magnificent favour?"

"I believe it may be most thrillingly wrong for a girl to make passionate mouth to mouth love to her own sister, but then again, I may be mistaken. There is but one way to resolve this dilemma Mary. You must take me in your arms immediately and kiss me mightily with open mouth and intruding tongue. If this should feel in anyway sinful, then I will do the same to you so that you won't have to bare the guilt of it alone. In other words, snog away my pretty tomboy. Let us feast on each other as if we were breakfast!"

The next moment, the whole house resounded to the noise of the complete works of the Marquis de Sade landing heavily on the flagstone floor as two young salivating sisters reached for eachother . . .