Negotiations and love songs

There is a strict protocol governing the matter of proposing marriage, and Mr. Collins was following it to the letter. He arrived punctually at the appointed hour clad in the full regalia of a clergyman and was shown into the withdrawing room by the Bennet's maid. Having been announced, he entered the room to find the whole Bennet family seated in there, with the exception of Mr. Bennet. Having already given his permission for this meeting, he was no longer required to be present at it and so was most happy to absent himself. All the Bennet women stood as he came in and came to an immediate standstill while he greeted all present, nodding in their direction; an action which was the Georgian's lazy way of bowing. En masse, the standing ladies curtsied. Mrs. Bennet did bid him welcome and invited him to sit. She then offered refreshment by way of a cup of tea. Mr. Collins politely declined as this would have slowed down proceedings immeasurably. Taking tea in genteel society was a separated ceremony with its own set of protocols that take so long to fulfill that proposing marriage and taking tea together would become a two day event. Mr. Collins said he hoped he found everyone present well; Mrs. Bennet assured him that everyone present was well and asked after the health of his mother. Mr Collins replied that his mother had been dead these last five years and enquired after the health of Mr. Bennet. Mrs. Bennet thanked him for his kind enquiry and assured him that Mr. Bennet was currently enjoying good health and not in the least dead. After this, there was a bit of a lull in the conversation. A whole minute past during which everyone paid polite attention without saying a word. Indeed, the ticking of the clock on the mantelpiece was the only sound to be heard. Mr. Collins eventually broke the silence by rather blurting out in a panicky voice that he'd heard the Bennet's kitchen garden was looking particularly fine for this time of year. Mrs. Bennet said she believed so and invited him to inspect it at his leisure. This Mr. Collins said he was most keen to do and, trying his hardest not to slobber, asked if Miss Elizabeth might be so good as to show it to him. Mrs. Bennet heavily hinted that Elizabeth should do so immediately, and her daughter agreed to so do. At this point, everyone rose, Mr. Collins nodded to the ladies, the ladies (with the exception of Elizabeth) curtsied to Mr. Collins. Elizabeth then invited Mr. Collins to come and see her supurb brassicas, he consented and they left.

Once outside amongst the cabbages and sprouts, Elizabeth took the initiative by saying, "Mr. Collins, I understand that it is your intention to do me the immense honour of asking me to be you wife. However, I must beg you to hear me out before you say a single word on this subject. I have to tell you that you are most dearly loved and admired by one of my sisters. She has followed your career with avid interest and is much impressed by your commitment to, let us say, the cleanliness of the younger male members of your choirs' genitalia. It is apparently an interest which she shares with you. Indeed, were she here in my stead, she would be encouraging you to go further in this field by suggesting that were you to found an orphanage for boys of that age, you might, let us say, educate the boys into accepting every notion or other tangible thing you might wish to lovingly lay on them. She has told me in confidence that she would gladly offer you every practical assistance in such a worthy endeavour. How did she put it? "l'd consider it a privilege to hold a resisting child down to better facilitate Mr. Collins's access to him" or words to that effect. My sister is of exceptional intelligence, intensely loyal, and keeps everyone else's secrets as completely as she keels her own. Furthermore, Mary holds views so very much akin to those of your patron, Lady Catherine, that her ladyship would not only approve of your betrothal to her once she really gets to know her, she would positively insist on it. By the by, you will, I'm sure, have already noticed that there is a certain boyish aspect to Mary's countinence; in her demeanour and the way she has her hair cut so unfashionably short. During our family's Christmas revels where we perform nativity dramas, it is Mary that insists on taking all the male parts and she makes a naughty little boy cameo appearance that is totally convincing. I know that in playing this character for you, she'd willingly do absolutely everything you told her to and give you completed freedom to do everything to her as a 'little boy' that you might not dare do with a real child for fear of causing harm. Believe me, Mr. Collins, should you but ask this of her, she'll dress as a boy for you, she'll lay down for you, she'll squeal and wriggle childishly for you if that is your desire and, thanks to her literal tuition by the Marquis de Sade, she'll even gladly suffer pain for you if it gives you pleasure. In short, Mr. Collins, you can have my lovely young sister as a girl, or as a boy. She will play the clergyman's wife most correctly and diligently by day, but once out of sight of the rest of the world and behind closed curtains, she'll give you rare glimpses of heaven even as you give her throat or posterior hell. Be completely assured, sir, that none of these delights would be remotely possible with me, for I neither share you views, admire your sexual proclivities or indeed, love you in any way. I therefore most earnestly urge you not to pursue me but to pay court to young Mary without a moment's delay; for there are other men looking at her and salivating in anticipation of the pleasures a girl of such rare talents could give them. Do not miss out on marital bliss and sexual fulfilment by being feint of heart, William. Sing your sweetest love song through the simple act of asking her to marry you and I guarantee, my dearest future brother-in-law, that you will never live to regret it."

Elizabeth spoke further on how she'd later amend the understanding of the rest of the Bennet household concerning the true reason for his visiting her, by stating that it was to enquire about Miss Mary's feelings towards him.

Elizabeth then at last paused, to give time for all that she'd imparted to a bewildered looking William Collins to sink in.

Meanwhile, inside the house, every window overlooking the garden was occupied by either a Bennet girl, their mother, or one of the household staff. The whispered question was being banded about, "do you thick he's doing it yet" (meaning proposeing), to be met with by the anonymous answer, "at his age, it's high time he was." (probably not meaning proposing). At her particular window, Mary silently prayed he'd soon be "doing it" to her, in all manner of kinky ways.

When Mr. Collins glanced back towards the house, all knew that his conversation with Elizabeth was over, and his redness of face over his white dog collar suggested that all might not have gone well. There then came the distinct sound of rapidly running feet from inside the house as everyone assumed their original positions to receive Elizabeth's and Mr Collins's return. More nodding and curtseying ensued before silence returned and the gathering once more enjoyed a recital by the ticking clock.

When Mrs. Bennet could stand the suspense no longer, she enquired, "so tell me, Mr. Collins, how did you find our kitchen garden?"

"I just stepped out of the kitchen door and there it was, Mrs. Bennet. Mistress Elizabeth was kind enough to allow me to view her melons and feel her pulses, but in our haste to return, I missed seeing the herb beds. Perhaps, if it's not too much trouble, I might enquire if master, I'm sorry, I mean mistress Mary might come and reveal their pungent mysteries to me."

"Gladly sir" chirped Mary leaping to her feet more like a soldier springing to attention rather than a young lady rising from a quilted sofa. She should have waited for her mother's permission to do so, but like an excitable little boy, she didn't. At that precise moment, Mr. Collins's heart, soul and something in his trousers fell madly in love with Mary.