More Than Seamus Wanted To Know

Sighing, Seamus finished his meal, picked up the plate off of Hanae's back and asked her dryly: "Hanae, do you actually enjoy being naked and serving as my table or did you think I'd enjoy it?"

Hanae froze, then very slowly turned and knelt, facing him. Her hands raised swiftly to cover her breasts but then reversed course and lay deliberately on her thighs. "H-heika, watashi no...I am...gomen!" She bowed swiftly. "I am sorry if it wasn't pleasing to you! Watashi wa Heika no sakura!" Hanae drew in a deep breath, turned partway to a guard and said shakily: "Gomen. My belt, and clamps, if you please."

The guard snapped to attention. Bowed. "Hai! Ōhi-Heika." And she disappeared.

Hanae froze. Whispered: "Heika?", and blushed.

Seamus frowned.

The guard reappeared before Seamus could ask.

Hanae accepted her belt, trembling.

Seamus asked: "Hanae...?"

Hanae bowed. "Heika. Gomen. Please. May I beg your indulgence?"

Seamus sighed. "Yes, of course."

Hanae slipped the belt between her legs, and then reconnected the leads before slipping in the front probe, shuddering. She drew the belt the rest of the way up and it clicked.

Seamus heard her gasp, and the faint sound of motors kicking into a high hum reached him.

Hanae reached for the clamps, trembled, froze, pulled the clamps to herself, winced and snapped the first on her left nipple, way too close to the front edge. Hanae hissed, but did the same with the other nipple.

Seamus started to speak but Hanae swiftly bowed so he stilled.

Hanae straightened, slipped back onto her high heels, spread her knees, straightened her back, blushed furiously, held her head high, placed her hands behind her head, and asked: “Heika… may I offer a cherry-blossom tattoo as payment? I wish to negotiate one of my rules.”

Seamus blinked. "Yes." And found himself speaking: "On your left breast, in the cleavage."

Hanae gulped, nodded, and asked: "Heika, I beg a change to the rule for kissing when I enter a superior's space. May I offer something that would entice you more?"

Seamus nodded. "Of course, Hanae. I'll waiv... I'll wai..." He couldn't get the words out and frowned hard. Sighed. "A kiss on my mouth, a kiss per breast, and you pleasuring yourself in front of me once a week." He'd wanted to stop after the breasts. But the words had tumbled out unbidden.

Hanae sighed and slumped, her tail showing great relief between her legs before she straightened back up, blushed, and nodded. She knelt, removed the nipple clamps, hissing in pain as she did so, then bowed and, trembling, asked: "Heika...before I...please...may I remove?"

"Yes. Yes, of course." Seamus knelt and unlocked the belt, and pulled it down her legs.

Hanae froze as he pulled too fast. "H-h-heika! May I beg to be excused?!"

"Ah...yes?" Seamus looked down and realized he was seeing the plug on the floor. Ah.

Hanae turned and crawled at double speed from the bedroom.

Seamus tried valiantly to wait until she was out the door and managed to hold in the laugh until after the door closed. "Poor Hanae."

"Yes, dear. Although...you could have done that a bit slower." Alice said from the bed.

Still looking at the door, Seamus chuckled ruefully. "Did you notice she never actually answered my question?"

"Mhmm. You know, you can be quite clueless at times dear." Alice said, yawning deeply.

Shooting her a look, Seamus groused. "Here I thought I was pretty good at reading people."

Alice blinked her eyes sleepily. "You're good at reading in scene. Outside...hit and miss." Another large yawn. "Go read the diary dear. I want to get to sleep."

Seamus smiled. "Yes, dear." He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and got happy, sleepy murmurs back. Then light snoring. He smiled, caressed her jawline, and carefully stood up from the bed, pulled the blankets over her and tucked them up to her chin.

Alice murmured sleepily: "Thank you dear. Love you."

"Love you too." Seamus said.

"Flower approached stone took watch for Consort." Alice suddenly said clearly.

Seamus snickered. "Finish going to sleep dear. Tell me what you mean when you wake up."

Alice nodded, and resumed snoring.

Seamus turned and nodded as Ailis dashed inside, jumped onto the foot of the bed, and curled up, covering herself with her hands as much as possible. Seamus carefully turned, walked over to a pair of chairs sitting on the balcony overlooking the nebula, and stopped short. "When did you arrive?"

"Here in this galaxy or in this chair?" Nazps-Odo replied.

Seamus smiled. "When did you walk out of the bar and into my life?"

Nazps-Odo looked at him quizzically. "I didn't...oh." She thought for a moment. Then replied: "When you sealed my magic with but a Word. And then when you gave me my soul back."

Seamus sat down in the chair heavily, accepting the diary from the guard in the French maid uniform. Why haven't I asked her her name yet? He opened his mouth to ask her as she stepped back and stood with her hands behind her back.

"She's happiest if you pretend she doesn't exist." Nazps-Odo said.

"What?" Seamus asked.

"Your guard there. Have you noticed that when you need something, she's there. When you want something, she's moving already. And not once has she spoken up to offer her name." Nazps-Odo said.

Seamus frowned. Paused. Thought.

"Most everyone in your guard has given you their name shortly after you meet and exchange more than a few words or interactions. She has not." Nazps-Odo returned to her book.

Seamus turned to look at the guard who curtsied. And held the curtsy until he turned around again. And deliberately did not ask her name. Instead...he smiled, glanced over at the small end table beside the deep brown leather chair, moved his hand by the small table, and a second later, a glass of water was there. He took a small swallow, set down the glass, and opened the diary to the page with the ribbon.

Seamus took a moment to admire the exquisite handwriting, i's dotted with little hearts, cursive o's with little eyes, then shook himself a little and gratefully accepted the thick comforter, sighing as he settled deeper into the chair.

The French maid tucked a cold pillow behind his head, and Seamus adjusted his tail and wings, then shifted again, growling as he couldn't find a nice spot until the French maid placed three other pillows behind his back, one between the wings, the other two low and to either side of the tail. Her hand carefully directed his tail up around the pillow, avoiding the stinger, and then retreated again.

Seamus shifted a little, smiled, took another sip of water, and lifted the diary and started with the first unchecked entry.

Friday: I don't know why I do this to myself. I keep pushing off handing in my diary to the last minute. Seamus has read it every week for a year now. You'd think it would get easier. But it doesn't. I don't even know why when pen hits the page truth hits the page, day after day, week after week.

I tried it once...writing a lie. I found myself outside the dorm, doing my cheer routine, starkers. I shrieked, of course, drawing far too much attention, even more than the cheer already had, and ran back inside, but the damage was done.

I found myself in my room, madly rubbing myself while imagining it was Seamus there, pushing me outside, saying in that dry, humor-laden voice of his: "It'll be fine! You'll enjoy it!"

He's right of course, that fantasy of him in my head.

I do enjoy it.

I just wish I didn't.

I found myself in the middle of a practice, trying desperately to avoid streaking across the field.

I'll ne...I don't think I can ever say it to his face...but I thank Seamus daily for his choice in our uniforms. I didn't at first.

But oh...they make me so...horny!

The way the air flows on my skin...the way it flips with the slightest breeze and I can feel the eyes hungrily devouring my every inch of me.

But Seamus doesn't notice me anymore.

He's only got eyes for his love.

Alice.

I hate her.

Not really.

She's cute, funny, adorable, perfect for him.

I hate her.

Sorry Seamus, I know you're going to read this, but I do. I hate her!

She's taken you away from us. Away from...me.

I never thought I'd want to be in a harem. None of us did.

But now, I can't imagine not being in one anymore.

And now I see the fire in your eyes dying. More each day.

I think the light went out months ago.

We have tried harder and harder to get your attention again, but it hasn't worked.

Ailis is despondent, saying you were the best friend she ever had, the one that made her forget about home. The one that made her forget her father ever existed. The one she could depend on to keep her spirits alive when depression threatened to drag her down into a dark spiral she was afraid she'd never return from. She's thrown herself into doing ever more desperate things to get your attention. I've pulled her back a time or two, and nearly joined in more than once. I still can't get her to tell me what her Dad did. And I'm starting to think I don't want to know. I might need to. But I don't want to. Sometimes being Captain sucks ducks. Go Wardens. Yay.

I've thought more than once about doing something I know you'd hate, just to get you to pay attention to me again.

Any attention at all.

Seamus closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. And kept reading.

I never thought...

I never thought I'd want to be forever 18.

...Okay! Forever 22. Heh...But when you did that to her, I saw the smile on your face, and thought...maybe?

And when Ailis found out she'd always be yours...you didn't see it, but the joy in her face near broke my heart.

And then...

I'd do that for you.

I'll be your 22-year-old cheerleader for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes. Pom-poms, cheezy cheers, strawberry chapstick, cheer bow, short skirts, cut-out crop-top, heck...I'll go commando and braless and permanent high heels. Why am I saying this? I don't think I want to be permanently commando. I don't want...to...think...

Actually...scratch that, please...please...please make me forever 22.

And thin.

And maybe slightly bigger boobs?

You like bigger boobs.

I know, I've seen the look on your face when you see a girl with big boobs. DON'T DENY IT!

You like holding them, playing with my nipples, oooh. I'm going to derail again.

Maybe you just need to double the size of mine, make them impossible to be seen without being groped. Would that work?

Why do you like Alice? My boobs are bigger than hers.

Oh, Seamus, I love you.

Love me back, again.

Please.

Seamus closed his eyes, then opened them. Looked out at the swirling colors. And then returned to the page.

We had practice today.

I kept looking toward the door because I thought I'd get to watch your expression when we practiced a new cheer Sarah wrote.

Oh, the lyrics are awful! Maybe they'll get you to smile at how bad they are. Maybe you'll just smile if we do it naked.

Poor girl, Sarah thought they were good.

I didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise.

Let her down gently...please?

*Snicker* Maybe when you're taking her from the front, or from the rear, you can let her down hard on your..

...stiff, oh so gloriously stiff studly...manly...oh man what was I writing?

Oh.

Maybe you can tell her softly to pick up a poetry book or two.

Then fill her like a cream puff.

Oh I cannot believe I just wrote that.

No! Erasers don't work=(

I'm going to die. But not that kind of death!

Oh...writing these diaries sucks ducks!

Because once I start down a path...the path starts down me?

No.

That really is atrocious.

Goes down on me?

Oh how I wish your tongue were laying into me, forcing every thought out of my mind!

Please read my diary this week.

Oh no, please don't.

Do.

Don't.

*Sigh*

I need you to. Fill me like a cream puff. With a cherry on top. So...so wrong.

Seamus slowly brushed a finger on a small circular stain on the page making the ink of that line run.

Saturday: The maze run hurt today.

Seamus didn't read my diary again. The shock intensity was tripled since it was the third week in a row.

I can still feel my nipples as they rub on my top as I get ready for bed. I tried icing them after, just to see if it would help, it didn't.

I tried switching to my softest, pinkest, cutest pajamas.

Didn't help.

Found myself with my hands down my panties, chasing an edge I didn't want. Chasing a little death I didn't want. Why'd you have to teach me that phrase? Every time I try and you're not here I die a little inside.

I don't know if I can handle another week without him reading my diary.

I need the shocks reduced.

I used to love it, hearing him groan in enjoyment every time that zap rang out, and my voice filled the space with a little pained cry. But it's hard to love getting zapped for someone else's pleasure when they aren't there to hear it anymore.

Give me an W!

Give me an A!

Give me an R!

Give me an...oops.

D E N.

What's that spell?

Another week

*sob*

without you.

SEAMUS!

You'd better read this diary this time!

Or I'll!

Do absolutely nothing.

Why would I?

How could I?

Nothing I've done in the past three weeks has made the slightest difference.

I could go dancing in the swamp, shaking my butt for the alligators and you wouldn't notice.

I hate you!

No I don't.

Well, apparently I did a little otherwise I wouldn't still be here writing this diary.

Still clothed by the way.

Okay, less clothes.

But that's only because I'm...getting annoyingly horny being angry at you.

Oh why won't you smile at me anymore?

*Sigh*

I'm not horny anymore.

I hate...the fact I cannot hate you anymore.

You fill my thoughts.

My heart.

My mind.

And I don't fill yours.

You made me your toy.

USE ME! F*NG USE ME! SORRY! Sorry.

I want you to!

Use that button you gave me awareness of and strip me whenever you feel like it!

Use my boobs as your storage compartment, make me jump, I don't care! Turn off every awareness setting and enjoy watching me dance in humiliation for your pleasure!

Just...

...smile again.

Seamus had to put the diary down. Shaking, he picked up the water glass and took a large gulp, finishing it. He set it down, closed his eyes, felt the glass get taken away, and then a second later he heard liquid splashing softly.

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought,

I summon up remembrance of things past…

He opened his eyes. His old cognac glass sat beside him, the liquid a dark amber.

…with old woes new wail my dear time’s waste.

He picked it up, swirled it, opened his mouth, and inhaled through the nose. The fumes hit his palate and tears fought with his need. For a moment, the tears won.

Seamus felt a finger on his cheek, gentle, caring, he nodded.

The finger carefully drew away his tear. And he inhaled the fumes again as Seamus heard the maid lick her finger carefully.

Seamus waited. And heard her sob. He took a sip, held it on his tongue, inhaled across the heady pool, and then swallowed. The liquid fire consumed his thoughts as it went down. Chasing away the tears. He set the glass back down, picked up the journal, and started reading again.

Sunday: We are at an away game today.

Seamus missed it again.

I stripped in front of the other stadium and had one of the other girls take a picture. When I get back to the dorm, I'll email it to him.

Maybe that'll perk him up a little. Had to remind the girls that just because the Captain does it... doesn't mean they all should.

Sorry, Seamus. Didn't want to get the whole squad arrested.

Probably not worth it.

Probably.

Who knows, maybe...ooh.

Maybe a squad of cheerleaders behind bars could convince a deputy to take a sexy photo for you...maybe...

I waited until I was back at the hotel. I spritzed my pillow with St. Andrews to smell you again.

I'm crying myself to sleep. It took me hours to find what scent you wear at the mall. Why'd you have to wear something so... unusual.

Monday: Back at classes.

My professor pulled me aside and told me I needed to focus on my mid-terms or I wouldn't be able to pass the class.

It's hard to care.

I missed the first half the day driving back on the bus, and wondered what the cleaning staff thought of my pillow. Oh well, it's a hotel. They probably have a lot worse things to deal with than a few tear-soaked fragrant pillowcases.

It's hard, but every time I'm in the library trying to study, I'm thinking of ways to make you smile again. Even just once. A little bit.

Oh hell, I'll say it now.

Seamus Malone, I'll swear never to wear clothes again...wait, that's actually making me really hot right now...crap.

I'll swear to suck your cock every time I see you...nope, also making me hot.

I'll...quit cheer if that's what it takes.

Oh that was hard to write.

No.

Asinine.

You told me once you had every phone number of every cheerleader at your high school and never used one once, because you saw them at school all the time and felt awkward about wanting them. So you probably want me to stay in cheer.

I'll change majors.

No, you like my focusing on my studies, why'd I even think that was a smart idea?

Idiot! Come up with something!

I'll swear never to wear clothes ever again! Crap, that'd get me arrested. And I already thought of it before.

I'll...leave you alone. =(

I'll stop sending pictures.

I'll spank every cheerleader on the team a hundred...a thousand times and video the whole thing! I'll post the video...argh!

I'll stop l...lov...nope, don't want to be naked in front of the dorm just now.

Well, maybe a little.

Maybe a lot.

...I'll marry you! Yes! No. You want that. I want that. Wait, if you want it, maybe? No. I know you wanted me. The point is finding something... Anything...

I'll...stop asking you to come to practice.

I'll...swear to...let you go and...never see you again.

Just smile again.

Please. Just once. And I'll do it all.

Man, I sound sappy.

I'm trying to get you to smile, and these are what I fill my erotic diaries with for you?

This won't make you smile. This'll make you cry.

If you...stop! Idiot Captain, don't write that.

Happy, happy, happy thoughts. Oh...happy day! Ohhh Happy Day!

*Sigh* it isn't working.

Sorry, Seamus.

Guess when you, if you read this, I sucked this week. Heh. I could make it better if I suck...yeah right, last time I offered you got such a look of guilt on your face, not doing that again.

Tuesday: Alice met with me today.

She's worried about you.

I offered to bring the cheerleading team by and do a cheer naked for you. She was horrified. I guess you haven't told her everything about us...sorry.

Sarah and I choreographed three routines already. Don't worry, she only wrote the words to one.

The bubbly idiot wrote the words to one of the others. I altered the fight song:

We ward the pass, we see you, press on!

That one, remember? Yeah... I changed it to:

We flash the man, you see our bits, latch on!

Okay, not much better than Sarah's. Something stupid enough to make you laugh. Hopefully. Oh I hope it works.

Talk to me.

Or Alice.

Or someone.

Helen is a good listener, which you know already.

She said you stopped by on Friday, locked her in her chains, and left, without saying a word.

Monday, after we got back, she said she tried to cheer you up. She thinks you need to see a therapist.

I told her maybe you're just not getting enough sex.

Helen said that's possible. She thinks you're the kind of man that needs sex three to twenty times a day, in a lot of variety, but feels guilty for wanting it.

I think I agree. I hate your mother.

Seamus blinked. Closed his eyes, took a deep breath. Smelled cognac. Opened his eyes, looked down, sipped from the glass the maid was holding in front of him, watched the glass gently touch down on the side table, savored the nice distraction of chasing the notes, and swallowed. He blew out softly through the nose, holding onto the scent as long as possible. Felt the lesser fire. And returned to reading.

Wednesday: Alice met with me again today.

She apologized for her reaction yesterday. Said she knew, just...not how hot we found it. She was extremely jealous. Not like...she wanted it, you know? Jealous of your attention.

I have to admit, I admire her for that. I hate myself a little now. I see why you love her.

She's good for you.

I can see why I'm not.

I hate that.

I'd swear to turn into our lovable California valley girl ditzy bimbo cheerleader if I'd thought it'd help.

But we already have one on the team and she's a handful as it is.

I swear, that girl knows more about lipstick, rouge, eyeliner, hairspray, ways to make your boobs perk and butt lift than I ever did.

Kind of wish I could be that stupid sometimes.

I've never been as smart as you Seamus, but holy cow that girl is dumb. I had to tutor her today, grrrrrrrr! I swear we went over the same passage five times. Then I found out every other member of the team has gone over it with her already.

How she's survived in her classes...well, I know. She survived by dumb smarts, no, sheer stubbornness.

And she gets on your nerves with how bubbly she is. I swear, I wanted to slap that girl, and hug her. Can you imagine that? A cheerleader annoyed because of how perky and bubbly someone is? Hurts just writing that.

Went with the hug because I figured you'd rather see her without the red face.

*Sigh*

I'm failing at my job.

How can I get twenty-five thousand...no our stadiums don't hold that many people...five thousand to stand up at a single sentence from my lips, coax one more routine from exhausted girls, but I can't get the man I love to smile at me.

Maybe I need better chapstick. Cherry, not strawberry?

Seamus snorted, and hated himself a little for laughing. Then continued reading.

Thursday: I missed my deadline. >_<

Guess I'm naked for the maze run. Not looking forward to the combination of blindfold, short ankle chains, and armbinder...

But...this week should be better. You seem...more at ease, happier. Older, more mature, sadder at times, but more deeply in love with Alice than ever.

I saw the picture of you, as a father. I stared at that for twenty minutes.

I even saw you smile again. And laugh. And cry. You aren't numb with guilt anymore.

If I can find out what it was I swore to do that worked...tell me. Please. If it wasn't something I did, just...tell me something I offered is what you needed. I swear I'll do that. Just...not...please?

I sound like a forlorn puppy.

Hmm. Is that what you need? I'll bark, you know I'm good at it. I can crawl on the floor fast, pick up balls with my mouth...uhhh. not what I meant. I mean...! :-$

Oh, crap. Something else in my head now.

You know, before I met you, I'd never heard anyone use the word forlorn...I think I read it in English, once. You're the first person I ever met that used it in actual life.

I think you've infected my vocabulary Seamus Malone, much as your being has infected my heart...with..., oh that sounds crappy.

I'm not a poet. I wish I could erase what I've written but I swear, it's like the pen goes to page and it's stream-of-consciousness time! Sorry. At least my brain seems to have spell check well at hand.

I thought, today, about finding out where you work, crawling under your desk, and giving you a happy day.

I know, it's not Friday yet. You would want me to follow the rules.

Seriously, what is it with you and rules? It's like an obsession with you. Let's set up a maze, where every week it gets harder if I fail to meet your rules?

I love it. It makes me...reaalllly need you. Like writing this right now is making my left hand slide under my panties and wish my right hand would stop writing what I'm thinking need you.

But, still, the clover clamps freaking hurt!

Please don't send me away.

Seamus's finger brushed across the words and he sighed.

Friday: You're amazingly busy these days.

I stopped by your old dorm during lunch, realized duh you didn't live there anymore. Stopped by your new house, realized you don't really live there anymore either.

Really, I'm such a ditz. Why'd I even go to those places anyway? I knew you were at work.

I didn't know where you worked, so I couldn't give you your lunch time blowjob. Maybe next Friday. XOXO.

Okay, I could have asked your guards. But something felt awkward about asking your guards where you worked so I could crawl under your desk. Sorry. I should have done it anyway.

I like Sireah. She makes you happy. In a way I don't see with many others. Similar to Alice, but... different? Oh I suck at this. A year and I still can't get my thoughts organized well.

You know...you blame your friend for your bad sense of humor, I guess I get to blame you. Because right now sucking... that's got a different think running through my head.

Guess like the joke, you'll have to catch me now because I'm on. Oh...wow. Good one Maya, vacuum-refrigerator-electricity joke all-in-one. Just need to throw in the bathtub and I've got the kitchen sink. Stop Maya, erotic diary time not...ooh, vacuum and washing machine...

Anyhoo Na...holy cow that cat is scary. Just... seriously scary. And gorgeously hot. I mean I'm not...but I wanted to run my fingers through her fur and rub my face in it soft kitty purr. Where was I? Scary cat.

By the way, I couldn't find the red leather armbinder you like. Where did you store it?

I also need the ball-gag before tomorrow.

Oh, and the high heels.

Yeah, I know. You said I could do the maze barefoot, but I like the way you look at me in them. And even if those plates tell me when I'm getting close to an edge... frankly I'd rather take the shock to my nipples than my feet.

Unless you're the one playing with my feet. But then I wouldn't be in the maze. Oh that's a nice fantasy. Other than the fact I wouldn't be following your rules.

I love the wings.

And the tail.

And the crown. Oh wow, that crown is gorgeous.

And...you changed yourself in such a nice way. I mean you were nice before, but oh, hubba hubba fill me to the brim and pop my cork that cock is fiiiine!

Sorry.

Please don't send me away.

Seamus looked up from the diary, shattered. And crying. He could feel Alice now awake and looking at him steadily from the bed. He looked out at the nebula and drew a hand across his face. "How could I have done that to her? How could I have done that to any of them? I thought I was better than that."

Seamus felt hands on his shoulders and he leaned back into the pillowy breasts behind his head, carefully avoiding pushing on the chain.

"See? Aren't they better now?" Alice asked.

Seamus barked a harsh laugh. "Am I a better person now? Or am I still the same person, just twenty years older, still an idiot and an...and an..."

Alice leaned over his wings and kissed him. Don't say it. You'll only feel more guilty for swearing.

Seamus sighed. Accepted the glass from the maid, sipped his drink, closed his eyes to the colors beyond, stretched out his left hand and held Nazps-Odo's tightly, and let the years and tears dry on his face.

I'm not going to send you away Maya. I can't. I see you too, now, again.