Maddie and Trevor read Lois Lane's Night Out

"I want to do another of those CYOA stories," I say. "Like Dustbin."

"Oh? Any particular reason?"

"Well, to be frank, they're just easier to review. We're not expected to read the entire bloody thing, just the paths that interest us. Which means"--I hold up one finger--"we don't have to pay as much attention to characters or themes, more to the choices we're making. Also, relatedly"--I lift a second finger--"the author can't get as pissed at us if we misunderstand one of those characters or themes, since we probably missed the proper development in a different path. And finally"--a third finger--"it means we're less likely to tread the same ground as other reviewers."

"Other...reviewers?" Trevor's brow wrinkles. "What?"

"Eh...never mind. I can only stretch this whole meta-thing so far. Forget I said anything."

"Okay, Maddie, if you say so... I'm assuming you already have a story in mind?"

"Sure do! Lois Lane's Night Out, by Zeebop."

"Zeebop...Zeebop...sounds familiar."

I roll my eyes. "Are you fucking serious? Pipe-weed Dreams? We only covered it, like, two or three weeks ago."

"Oh...right. But that wasn't a CYOA story. It was a properly linear narrative. Well, kind of."

"Yes, it will be interesting to see the same author in a different format. Hmm...although now that I'm looking at it, perhaps this is more properly Lois Lane's Night Out, by exxxidor456. Though the original author only seems to have written the introduction chapter, then fucked off, leaving Zeebop to do the heavy lifting. I'm guessing there's an interesting story there. Or maybe not."

"So...Lois Lane. Superman's girlfriend. I'm afraid superheroes aren't really my preferred brand of nerddom."

"I'm in the same boat. Cultural osmosis via the MCU and whatnot. And this is DC. But, hey, it's also fanfic, so who knows what properties the characters might come from? In any case, I fear Zeebop will have to be disappointed by our pitiful reference game on this one."

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

"Same rules as before?" Trevor asks. "Three branches. Alternating choices."

"Sounds good to me," I say. "I'll start. We're Lois Lane, on the reporter beat, infiltrating an underground night club--to investigate the disappearance of some women. Apparently, we should have sent someone a little less...famous in our place, because a nefarious figure picks us out of the crowd immediately. And it's...drumroll please...Lex Luthor!"

"He douses our drink in--Nanites? A retrovirus? Maybe pick one. Anyway, things aren't looking so hot. Wait, I stand corrected. Things are looking very hot--as in, we're starting to run a fever. The female bartender keeps feeding us drinks. I say we get sick at this point."

"Sure, the bartender takes us to the bathroom where we puke our guts out. Then we... Hmm, hard to see us feeling particularly romantic after that. Let's go with the cleanse."

"So the bartender strips us and gives us an enema. Now we're spewing from both ends. Great. Feeling aroused yet, Maddie?"

"Eh...you'll know."

"She's about to inject us with something. Wine? As in wine, wine? Let's choose that."

"Apparently it is. Yeah, I thought that might be some comic book reference we weren't getting. So we get another enema, but this time to get us drunk. We engage in a drunken makeout."

"Heh, so we're inadvertently foiling Lex Luthor's plans with these choices. We seduce the bartender, and he sends another minion to see what's going on. Let's try to get with her, too."

"Mercy Graves. Undoubtedly a character we're supposed to know, but whatevs. Without any hesitation, she jumps right in to our little sex party. And now Lex decides to 'test the silver kryptonite', whatever that means. Maybe innuendo?"

"Apparently, it turns us bisexual? ...But we were already happily fucking two other girls. I don't get it. In any case--plot twist!--Lex had Superman captive all this time, undergoing a feminization treatment. Now he pays the Man of Steel a visit and face-fucks him with the hard-on he got from watching us. The end."

"He must not have had Superman for long," I say. "Lois believed he was just out of town. So what did you think?"

"Well, it was a coherent--if short--story, which is super impressive on a technical level given there was a diverging choice on nearly every chapter. I worried there might be some character inconsistency with the bartender. Initially, she was clearly in on Lex's plans, then she appeared to forget about all that almost instantly. But I think that can be chalked down to Lois's sheer sexual magnetism."

"That's no mean feat, seducing someone right after they've watched you upchuck and shit yourself."

"We never did find out what was up with those missing women. Let's try another path."

SECOND PATH IN PROGRESS

"Let's stay with Lex," says Trevor. "And this time--I'm curious about this Kryptonite App."

"Uh, wasn't expecting an entire dictionary to get dropped on us. Oh, hey! Silver kryptonite! Yep, looks like it lowers inhibitions. Still not sure why Lex thought it made sense to use on a bunch of women who were already clam slamming. Anyway, it seems we slipped into the liminal space behind the curtain. Let's go back to safe ground and dance with Maria, the barmaid."

"Once again, we're heating up. Let's fuck!"

"Maria French-kisses a pill right down our throat."

Trevor gasps slightly.

"And a point for Trevor! Now we're back in the bathroom, but this time at least we aren't throwing up. Maria finger-fucks us, and the pill kicks in. It's venom--whatever that is! Some comic book thing, I'm sure."

"It transforms our body with extra muscle. And the barmaid finishes stripping us, then fingers us to completion. Now Lex wants us to go to the 'White Room', but we aren't going anywhere! I want answers!"

"We interrogate Maria while holding her up against the wall and fisting her--"

Trevor gasps again.

"Two for Trevor! ...By the way, which side of this exchange do you see yourself on?"

"I don't have to answer that, Maddie, and I'm not going to," he answers with as much dignity as he can muster.

"Whatever. We get a choice to go to the pens--where I assume the girls are held--or access a computer. Lois seems like the sort to be more focused on information gathering. We choose the computer."

"Fuck! Obvious trap is obvious. The computer mesmerizes us with a bunch of pussy pictures and--"

"Mmmhmh!"

"One point for Maddie!"

"Yeah...give me a moment. Alright, so it escalates to lots of cum. Then...bellies and breasts. These descriptions are really...something... Wait, why are we taking off our jacket? I thought we were already naked. Continuity alert!"

"We're headed towards some pregnancy fetish ending, but I really do want answers. We snap out of it."

"We manage to escape, though Maria injects us with...something. We find our way outside, and Batgirl shows up to save us! And it looks like there's the potential for the some lesbian bat romance, once we're fully healed. Again, the end... So, Trevor, do you feel you got your answers?"

"I mean, as much as I can expect. The missing women were being experimented on, just like they tried to do to Lois. I'm not sure there's much more to it than that."

"Hmm, well I guess we'll never know. For paths that feature a male villain, I can't help but notice all the encounters Lois has had so far have been female-on-female. Maybe that would have changed if we'd gone further down the pregnancy path. Who knows?"

"Round three?"

THIRD PATH IN PROGRESS

"Let's try the other villain Zeebop has written," I say. "Blaze."

"Once again, we're being drugged by the barmaid--but this time with demon cum. Let's draw some attention."

"We meet a Latina patron."

"Her name's Valeria. She hits on us, but we protest that we're not gay--which is pretty damn funny after going through those Lex paths. We try not to stare at Valeria's massive mammaries."

"Valeria takes us to a dressing room."

"And it's full of half-naked women--Valeria soon among them. We decide to help her wash her tits."

"We do an...extremely...thorough job." I look over as Trevor groans. "And that's three."

"I can't help it! It's hard when there's these visual references bobbing right in front of me!" he says, poking one finger into the side of my boob.

"I know it's hard," I say, returning the favor with a grope of his bulging crotch. "But before we move on, I just have to highlight this delightful exchange."

"No," Lois said, her voice small and soft. "I'm straight."

"So is a noodle," Valeria said, one hand reaching out to grab the controls for the shower. "Until it's wet!"

"But moving on...we get absolutely soaked."

"Oh...it was literal," say Trevor, sounding a little disappointed.

"Actually, it's both."

"Sure. Anyway, Valerie encourages us to strip out of our wet clothes. We do so, hurriedly."

"Valerie distracts us with some heavy petting and making out. Then we get a needle to the neck, but don't pass out. We're dragged to a sacrificial altar. Blaze, the demon, plans to buy another woman's soul by transferring all her current and future fat onto our slender body. A terrible fate, but thwarted by Etta Candy."

"Who?"

"Yeah, this whole sequence would have been much more awesome if we were comic book nerds. Sorry, Zeebop. Wonder Woman and Zatanna are there, too. They defeat Blaze, but not before she curses us to take Zatanna's excess body weight. Fortunately, she's slim for now, but that could change in the future... Anyway, the end."

"Three branches, nothing but lesbian encounters. And Pipe-weed Dreams was almost exclusively female characters, too. I'm noticing a pattern here..."

"Well, we can't extrapolate too much. By my estimate, that was...maybe a half-percent of all the chapters in this story. It's fucking massive."

"No doubt a monumental achievement. Engaging, well-written. I only saw a couple of typos."

"And you got aroused three times, too. Don't forget that."

"Yeah...thanks for the reminder. Anything else to say?"

"Nothing that I can think of," I say. "Not every review can end on a witty outro. Though I guess we can only get away with that once..."