Luxara, female tiefling Magus, by lady-lux

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!”

“Two spoons of sugar. I have to remember to never add two spoons of sugar to Gina’s coffee.”

“We already covered this shit last time! Marcie, explain!”

“No Gina, that was about a Tiefling called Lilith, this is about a Tiefling named Luxura. A completely new story.”

“The fuck’s is it with all these Thieves recently? Fucking hell.”

“Ehem, we are reading Luxara, female tiefling Magus, by lady-lux. The interesting thing about this story is that it is played out like a Dungeons and Dragons campaign.”

“No, Marcie the interesting thing is that the author thought this was a good idea.”

Information for Nerds

“Skip.”

“Gina...”

Information for Perverts

“That’s for you Marcie.”

In our games, Lux always had a knack for getting herself into compromising situations (being captured by evil slavers, swallowed by slimy monsters, losing her armour, etc.), which became a bit of a running joke in our campaigns. These stories aren’t based on things that happened in those games exactly, but are inspired by the general themes of peril, submission, loss of agency, and so on.

Lux has white (unnaturally so) skin, black hair, short curved horns, and pale red eyes. She’s a little over five feet tall with a curvy, hourglass figure. She’s blessed or cursed with a particularly large chest.*

Lux will usually be wearing a tight-fitting outfit involving a low-cut corset top. She does have some sensible leather armour, but she has to bind up her chest tightly to wear it, so she doesn’t bother with it when just travelling or if she’s not expecting a fight. Of course, even if she is wearing it, it’s going to come off pretty easily when the “plot” demands…

*Lux’s boobs started out with another in-joke due to a Pathfinder fan supplement that had rules for breast sizes. According to those rules, the combination of Lux’s character class and ability scores would give her the biggest boobs in existence.

“This description really should have been incorporated into the story proper. Although, I would be remiss to not comment on the peculiar vernacular used here. Our author seems to be British.”

“A British nerd, eh? I bet she wears glasses, a bow tie and bloomers. That only makes me want to wedgie her even more!”

“Please keep your depraved urge to wedgie female authors in check, Gina.”

“I will, probably. So based on this long ass intro this is some roleplaying nerd shit again. But this time it’s even worse then usual. They are doing dice rolls and shit! This virgin loser nerd should just go play Dragons&Dildos with her nerd friends instead of writing books! Maybe then she would actually get laid.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Plot Hook (Objective: [2] Learn the truth | Adversaries: [2] Outlaws | Rewards: [1] Money or valuables)

“Ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

“Gina please.”

“Just look at this, Marcie! This hacker crap is at the start of every fucking chapter! This is why I hate nerds.”

“Ignoring Gina’s outrage, our hero Luxara is on a quest to bring a band of bandits to justice. Since this is a pornographic story the results are about as you might expect.”

“Whelp, that was fucking fast. Lux made it a grand total of four chapters before getting captured and fucked like the big boobed bitch she is.”

“And mind you these chapters are short. Not quite top ten shortest chapter list material but not lagging behind much.”

“So, anyways, in a turn no one could have predicted the bandit leader forces Lux to suck dick. We are having an especially creative specimen here, Marcie.”

“Thus begins our first sex scene, which definitely adheres to the old moniker short and sweet.”

“It was short alright, but it sure as fuck wasn’t sweet. Why the hell are these bitches never biting the dicks off, Marcie? Is that really too much to ask for? 129 stories featured and not a single one had dick mutilation in it. That should be statistically impossible!”

“With our Hero firmly subdued, she gets brought to the bandits secret cave hideout.”

“Don’t ignore me!”

“Will you focus, Gina?”

“Yeah, yeah. Cell the Bimbo’s tossed into has a secret exit door. How lucky for her. And unlucky for us because now we have to watch her bumble about some more for a billion chapters.”

“I question the logic of building a secret exist into a prison cell. Regardless, the next few chapters are indeed spend with, as Gina put it, bumbling about the thieves hideout.”

“Wow, this shit is boring. We are only on page two of this review but story wise we are over twenty chapters in and so for the only sexy thing we had was one measly blowjob. I get the sinking feeling this is another one of those stories were the author doesn’t want to write about sex.”

“You would be wrong, Gina. Because before long Lux gets captured again.”

“Yeah, who would have seen that one coming.”

“Ah, but this time she managed to escape, by using her feminine wiles on the guard.”

“Before immediately getting captured. Again. Sex happens. Again. Followed by her escaping. Again. I’m sensing a pattern here, Marcie.”

“Yes, amusingly this Tiefling has the opposite problem then the last one. While for Lilith everything worked out swimmingly, here everything that can go wrong goes wrong.”

“God or Satan must really hate this bitch.”

“Well, at least for now Lux is hanging on.”

“This hack of a writer will be too once I give her a hanging wedgie.”

“Gina please.”

“But this is just the same thing over and over again! At least throw some sexy female thieves in the mix, you British wanker!”

“We do not get a sexy thief but we do get an old lady. That is something, Gina?”

“…”

“Gina?”

“An old Lady, Marcie. You are writing a porn story that has only two female character in it and the second female character IS AN OLD LADY!”

“We are all getting older, Gina. Besides this is used for plot reason. Since the old Lady, Atara, is well, old, she needs the help of young Lux to activate a machine in order to defeat the bandits.”

“Yeah sure, why not.”

“Thus Lux infiltrates by crawling through a narrow access tunnel.”

“…”

“However she comes across a trap blocking her way.”

“…”

“Luxara attempts to disarm the trap…”

“…”

“But fails.”

“…”

“And ends up getting captured again.”

“Excuse me for one second.”

“Of course.”

North West Hampshire, England

The Lady Lux was sitting on her writing desk putting the newest chapter to paper with her favorite feather quill, while enjoying her afternoon Earl Grey tea with biscuits as she is wont to do.

“Good heavens, I am feeling positively brimming with Creativity today. Jolly Good!”

But her writing was rudely interrupted by a loud ruckus. Suddenly, her chamber door was pushed open.

“My word!”, Lux gasped towards the intruder. “How rude! What right do you have to intrude upon my manour in such base a fashion?”

“Shut up, Limey”, the uncouth vagrant howled. Her dress and manner of speak clearly identifying her as one of those dreadful Americans from the edge of civilization.

The Englishwoman attempted to defend herself by grabbing her cane but the drifter was upon her within the second and manhandled her.

“Unhand me at once, you boar!”, Lux demanded fiercely. “Such behavour is most improper! I shan’t not stand for it!”

But manners and matters would only deteriorate further from here. “UNHAND THIS”, her uninvited guest spoke as she shoved a hand down her pantaloons and yanked up her white silk bloomers.

H-How scandalous! A blush of red crept upon the lady’s fair countenance. Her unmentionables are on full display!

The loathsome thief then proceeded to carry her, by her undergarments I might add, towards the nearest exit and hung her up there, like a busty bust perched upon the chamber door.

The colour of her cheeks(all four of them) were now positively crimson as the disgraced debutante could do nothing but helplessly flail around.

This however only amused her malefactor further as she cackled in malevolent humour. “Maybe THIS will teach you not to write stupid nerd stories!”

Good heavens! This can’t be happening! The young socialite is endeavoring to host a quaint get together this eve for her fellow Pen and Paper enthusiasts, the Duke of Nurthumbria and Countessa Westphalen. If they were to discover her in this compromising fashion her honour would be besmirched!

But the churlish vulgarian only laughed and disappeared like leaves, leaving the debased dame to her demeaning destiny.

…

..

.

“Alright, I’m back.”

“Good. We were just about to reach the climax of the story.”

“Uhu, sure.”

As I was saying, Lux ended up getting captured again. But this time, rather then having sex, the bandit leader intends to use her as a mana battery in an attempt to defeat the machines.”

“Yeah, this whole machine subplot isn’t really doing it for me, Marcie.”

“It is a negative consequence of leaving everything including plot hooks up to dice rolls. The aforementioned rolls are however finally somewhat in the Tiefling’s favor as she decided to stop playing around and use her awesome magic to overload and destroy the machine.”

“But even that can’t end nice. Lux made it out but uses up almost all of her strength and will now have to train for years to get it back. Great, the perfect nothingburger ending for this mess of a story. I didn’t wedgie the British bitch hard enough.”

“The RNG aspect of the story was an interesting idea but was held back by an over adherence to it. This tale needed to be more fleshed out.”

“As far as I’m concerned the only fleshed out things were Lux’ massive boobs.”

“Thank you for your valuable input, Gina.”

“Fuck you, Marcie!”

“I suppose I can give the author credit for a rather unique approach to writing. It is clear to me what she is lacking is mostly experience. I do hope she tries again once she gains a bit more confidence in her craft.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that Marcie, I’m sure this particular nerd will be...hanging around!”

“Ohohoho, yes, jolly good!”