Lucyland

“Greetings everyone!"

"Ciao vergini!"

"We are back for another awesome review! That is I, Ora are back! The brats are still in transit and Cherry is still useless! Replacing her was a genius move by me!”

“You won’t hear me complaining, Ma’am! Living up to Miss Graham will be one hell of a tall order! But I am ready and eager to rise to the challenge!"

“Ah yes, you. You’re new. Introduce yourself.”

“Top of the morning, Sir’s and Ma’am’s! Femto, Devil of time, at your service! No relation with a certain bird-boy who did nothing wrong. What’s that? Who’s that Nola rip off now, you say? Kinda random, you think? Is that newbie even qualified to be part of the highly esteemed review troupe of Marcie and Gina Reads CHYOA© , you pontificate? Hah! I’m glad you ask, my discerning friend! Let me paint you a picture. I was wheeling and dealing back when that Irish paddy was still a twinkle in Lucky’s eyes. Oh, that’s Lucky, as in the Leprechaun, not Lucky as in the character from Subjugation Tournament, which I hail from, actually! Funny how that works out, eh? Oh, and just for your information, Harem Hotel release year: 2022. Subjugation Tournament release year: 2022. So, those plagiasaurus allegations? Bit of a shakey foundation you got there, buddy. But, I digress. Big picture: Not my first rodeo. You might remember me from way back when the girls did that little hit piece on that vertically challenged devil. Wanted to rule the world but couldn’t even get out of his chair. Hah! Good times. Never got an invite back for the follow up though. But, that’s water under the bridge! How’s Wrynn, the old wyrm? Still obsessed with boobs, eh? Ey! Zeebop! Mr, Dickgirl. The Dickinator! How’s it hanging? You remember me, right? Yeah, you do. Didn’t even brought up my SPOILER when you did your review on Sub Tournament, But eh, it’s all good! Now! From what I gathered this season of Harem Hotel is very, shall we say, Old Nick centric, right? And I’m not talking about Sylvia’s season, if you know what I’m saying. Got a little of that ol’ fire and brimstone cooking up with Lucy over there. Some purgatory souls-like. Oh boy, does that sound like right up my alley! You know, I chinwaged with a bunch of Lucy’s in my time working for the Big R! And you wouldn’t believe what’s going down in Georgia! But wow! Here I am blathering on and on, when there’s a season to be reviewed! I mean, am I the Devil of Time or what? So, enough with the small taking, the chit chatting, the ado furthering. Let’s waste no more time and let’s dive straight into business and talk about this weeks awesome, amazing possibly orgasmic review that you can only find right here, right now, on Ora and Femto Reads CHYOA©! But first a word from our sponsor.”

“...this was a mistake.”

“Devil Deal! A deal you won’t regret until your death! Ah, love that jingle. Anyways! First order of business! Lucy and Miss fox anonymous have actually responded to MG’s well founded criticism and taken some umbrage with it. Now, as is my understanding, Misses and Misses Stormwalker are currently otherwise engaged. But, no fear we can take it from here. So lets start with a good old rebuttal.”

“I’M IN CHARGE HERE!”

REPLACEMENT REBUTTAL IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“WORST HOST YET?! YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS CUNTS! I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKES YOU’RE PERFECT SAINTS OUTSIDE OF THIS BITCH RAG BECAUSE IF I SEE YOU IN HELL, IT'S ON FUCKING SIGHT!”

*CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE**CACKLE*

“Yeesh, not a good start from old Lucy over here. Maybe take some anger management classes? No, it doesn’t work, but it gets corporate off your back.”

“Not that I can’t relate! Maybe I send the two brats to Lucy as a birthday gift. Once they are done with the wedding. Or would deathday be more appropriate?”

“If you will stop talking about my boner, I will respond to their review.” Lucian's face was red with fury as he barked at the redhead.

“And that is a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen. Reyna darling, you may be on a sex show but did you know that you have rights? Call me!”

“I think Lucy’s is one of those sado maoists who get off on the brats berating them. Maybe next time Kikki’s over, she should give him a spanking!”

What sort of person gets thrown a free buffet of women and spends half the time whining while he lets said women shove him around?”

“Same! What is wrong with these wimpy masters?”

“Ah, I know the type. Torturing them in the void for a month usually does the trick. But eh, I’m talking to an expert here!”

“Well, maybe more seasons need to stop treating their Masters like the next coming. At best, they’re honorable spineless gnats and at worst, deranged perverts. Maybe they should have to earn something for once in their miserable lives.”

“Yeah! Lucy gets it!”

Lucian straightened his collar, “Yes, well, Marcie and Gina go on to complain about the room compositions, and admittedly, team names may have been a bridge too far. Complaining about introducing a central mechanic at the start of the story, though? It’s honestly a no-win situation; if we hold off, it comes off as an ass pull. Introduce them now; we’re infodumping on the feeble audience too much. Oh, if only this were presented in an easy-to-revisit format to reference later…”

“This is why I always make sure Preminger includes links to the rules and bios in every chapter! Because everyone always reads those!”

“Splendid idea, Ma’am!”

“Hehe!”

“I’m personally just amused they called out Hadric. I want to make it very clear to Hadric, I hold no ill will against you. In fact, I think your attempts to…” The redhead giggled, “ ‘unmask’ me was very fun. I just think you overlooked something.”

“He’s super annoying!”

“Oh yeah, that Hardric fellow just loves the sound of his own voice eh? Can’t stand chatterboxes like that! You know, I’m always saying to my clients, if you can’t make a convincing argument in twenty words or less you’re word count‘ s up! Hah!”

“You know, I’d say the concept of being fixated on the fairness of a game designed to get a bunch of degenerates off might be missing the point, but I will concede that, while the results were quite amusing, a single sabotage being able to totally knock a contestant out is flawed. They are meant to sway games, not flip the board.”

“Hmm..I will have to ensure my first round challenge is fair and square!”

“I can help you with that, Ma’am!”

Reyna leans in towards the camera, “Marcie and Gina, you wouldn’t know this, but this guy watches all the seasons like a mom watches the Housewives series. He’s a sucker for trashy TV”

“Pffft!”

“You gotta stay informed and keep up with the trends. I can respect that!”

“I’ll feel better once these two are in a torture cell in hell, but I suppose they should really do their utmost to earn it, so…I look forward to hearing their future thoughts.” Lucian looked away.

“Not gonna lie, feels like the little firecracker was really looking forward to the girls thoughts and now we are just stealing the spotlight.”

“So?”

Feels kinda bad.”

“Really?”

“Nah! Let’s get this show on the road!”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“Ok! We start this review hot after the end of the first round, which, spoilers, ended pretty badly!”

“Hah! What an understatement. Ma’am. These poor contestant are crushed! And Lucy decides time is money and hits them with another round of transformations.”

“Yeah, but I feel like a lot of boring stuff won.”

“I see were you coming from, Ma’am! I do like that Stella got turned into a proper bratty Imp. Good for her!”

“Typical Rookie mistake. If you give the audience a boring choice they will always pick that. It’s why my choices are all awesome!”

Clenching her fists, Eliza shook her head, “No, of course I don’t want that, but how can I take pride in anything at this point? Maybe I don’t want it, but maybe that’s what I deserve after betraying my girls like that.”

“And ol’ Liz over here takes things especially bad.”

“Don’t call her that.”

“‘Aren’t bad people’ the fucking arrogance. They think they’re special? Unique? They’re just humans! Rotten to the core, give them a chance and they’ll betray each other, and they did! Like rabid dogs fighting for a scrap of meat. I proved it to them and she-AUGH!” Lucian lifted the coffee table which rapidly ignited as it was tossed against the wall.

“No! Bad Lucy!”

“Sheesh! What did I say about anger management?”

Maya looked confused and then puffed up her cheeks, “But she was in the wrong and being a bully. Why do I need to apologize?”

“We have a contestant that constantly complains about bullies as well!”

“Eh, no offense but I find Miss Quinn more interesting, Ma’am.”

“Grrrrr….”

She flipped over on her side, facing Stella, and squarely collided her hand with Stella’s face, not enough to hurt, but enough for there to be a flat slapping sound as skin collided.

“No seriously, look at this! Girl’s hilarious!”

“Y-yeah well, whatever! I like those bounties!”

“Are you going to use them on your season, Ma’am?”

“NO SPOILERS!”

“Meanwhile Miss Gayen is haranguing her roommate to stop moping around. Now that is a model contestant! Studies have shown that your ratings spike 4.2 points for the first one but decline 6.7 for every subsequent suicidal contestant in your season. And if your master is depressed...let’s just say might as well purchase a hemp rope, because that drop in ratings makes you want to kill yourself...Uuuuh, they are going into the spooky catacombs!”

“WE HAVE SPOOKY CATACOMBS TOO!”

“Sure thing, Ma’am. May I advise you to reconsider the zombie penguins though?”

“NEVER!”

“And the clumsy Imp got caught by a slime trap! Hah! I always had a soft spot for the newbies...”

Everyone watched as Stella was pulled up towards the ceiling, more vines springing out of the walls, like tangled limbs, wrapping around her body and extremities. They began to tug her arms and legs out, leaving her suspended fully spread-eagled above the group.

“I need one of those as well!”

“No worries, Ma’am. I can set you up.”

“The dungeon group made it to the end of the dungeon and they are rewarded with...gambling!”

“Oh boy. Sorry Luce, but that is one hell of a lame reward!”

“What? Don’t you devils love gambling and all that sin stuff?”

“Eh, don’t get me wrong. If you need a quick and easy way to get a soul polluted, nothing beats gambling. But after a long and horny dungeon crawl you want to reward your contestants with a monkey’s paw!”

“Cut off paw of monkey and put in chest. Got it!”

I really wish I had gotten the transformation that would have let me hold three at once.

“Yeah! That would have been way more fun! Stupid audience.”

“Not sure, that would have been a good idea, Ma’am. This harem is dysfunctional as is.”

“But that’s what makes them fun!”

“Point in case, Caleb and Maya are doing sword-fighting on their date. And they aren’t even stripping each others clothes of Zorro style.”

“It’s kinda cute though. In a dorky way!”

“H-How…” Lily looked away, ashamed. “How long does the punishment last?”

“Circling back to the dysfunctional part. Little miss green thumb rather receives a punishment transformation then spend time with peaches over here.”

“These guys are morons, but on the positive side Lily gets a very fun punishment transformation. I’m gonna steal it and sell it in my shop!”

“For illegal reasons let it be stated that any resemblance of Mean Maid components with other seasons are purely coincidental and does not constitute Intellectual Property theft. My clients usage of the term “steal” is meant to be taken ironic.”

“And then...Maya and Caleb try to have...s...sex and it doesn’t go well!”

Amy- Had Sex With the Master! +10 VP

“So is Amy. Now that is a lot of bucks for your bang!”

“Enough about that! We move on!”

“Hm, Ma’am. Could it be that you are not that good when it comes to the carnal arts?”

“What? No! Of course I am good at the carnival arts!”

“Glad to hear because we are going to one later! But after Amy fucks around, she finds out. Luciano’s backstory!”

“You! Traitor! I curse you, Father Pietro! You and your god! All of his creation! You have only ever taken from me, and I pray that Satan or whoever the hell opposes him gets their desired comeuppance. All of you deserve it! All of you deserve it!”

“That little shota is on fire! Wow!”

“One drowns, the other got burned. What is it with these loser hosts and their sad backstories? My sad backstory is that I am a super awesome omnipotent Goddess!”

“You are so cool, Ma’am!”

“There’s another of those weirdo non face producers guys showing up. Seriously, get a face you weirdos! But I’m glad Lucy only had to spend a few centuries in purgatory.”

“This might be a good opportunity to say that, Miss Malcolm, Ma’am. Love your work. Love the snake aesthetics you have going on. Knew a snake girl once, who had a snake as a dick. The name was Gilbert. The dicksnake I mean, not the girl.”

“That explains the hatred of humans…wait, then are we being tortured on a sex show by a fourteen-year-old virgin?” Caleb asked incredulously, and Amy couldn’t keep herself from snorting in laughter.

“Pfffft!”

“For illegal reasons, I have to state that we do not employ any underage virgins in hell.”

“Ah, Mira is hit with an anti lie sabotage! Fun!”

“Ma’am, were you aware that devils actually can’t lie?”

“Really?”

“Absolutely, Ma’am! We pride ourselves on a trusting relationship with our clients!”

“Lucy did not take the fact that his sad backstory got revealed lightly.”

“Eh, trudging up old dirt like that isn’t exactly good for company culture. I suggest to fire whoever is responsible. Literally.”

Eliza sighed, “Capitalism will always villainize negative thinking or taking time to recover because it does not produce commerce.”

“This! This right here! We in hell love negative thinking! In fact we encourage it!”

“Stop advertising!”

Suddenly, the lights dimmed, and all the activity in the center stopped, the various performers hiding away as on centerstage Lucian appeared, twirling his slapstick. Despite the smile painted on his face, Caleb thought he saw flames licking at the demon's limbs as he opened his mouth and, in his most forced showman voice, bellowed, “Honored guests! It is my pleasure to greet you and welcome you to the Twilight Circus. Tonight, you will see marvels of the physical and fantastical. Performances that tug a smile to your face or mayhaps tug at your heartstrings instead. What we aim to do is to delight and amaze, but more than showing you a spectacle, we hope we show you yourself!”

“Hah! Lucy actually shows up as the ringmaster in a circus! What a dork!”

“Say what you want about him, the demon has a flair for the dramatics. You can’t train this sort of pizzazz. You either have it or you don’t.”

“Of course he has Pizza. He’s Italian.”

Then out came the animals. Elephants, tigers, lions, and apparently that dragon-like creature were called a tatzelwurm.

“BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE PENGUINS!”

“Woah!”

“I am sick of all these shows not having penguins!”

Shall we be off then, Caleb? Caleb?” Mira turns to look and sees Caleb hunched over and rocking slightly as his fingers comb aggressively through his hair.

“Caleb does have a phobia for poor acting. Noted.”

“Uuuuh boy, Mira sure is getting in there! That are some juicy gains she is making!”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s skip the boring sex nobody cares about and talk about what’s really important. NOEMI AND CALEB GO TO AN AMUSEMENT PARK!”

“Right. Remember you girls having some trouble with that last time.”

“Grrrr! Just you wait until Oraland opens! It’s gonna have a Futurama reference!”

They passed a sign with a rubber hose rendition of Lucian displaying the rules of the park: No Littering, No Roughhousing, No Outside Food, No Arguing with staff, No Bevis, No Vibes.

“Does that mean Lucy is the mascot of Lucyland?”

“The chance is very likely, Ma’am.”

“Hmm...”

…

…

...

*CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE* *CACKLE*

In the end, he relented, “Alright, fine. Let’s do it.” Letting out a cheer, Noemi dragged Caleb to the door inside too quickly to read the name on the door. Swinging back and forth as they went in, the sign read “Analepsis Boulevard.”

“Eww, Anal.”

“And another place to let Caleb relive his trauma. Lucy, prosciutto mio , love the enthusiasm, but this isn’t purgatory. The harem hotel audience wants a bit of a more eh, saucy approach to punishments.”

“Like putting Caleb and Noemi in frilly pink tutu’s and make them dance on stage!”

“Speaking of torture, Mira is spiking Eliza’s food and date raping her.”

“But is it really rape if you rape them for their own good?”

“According to the Big Books of Sins, yes, yes it. And on that note, Mira, my girl! If you ever need legal representation, give my secretary a call. I get your eternal punishment cut in half or souls back guaranteed!”

Getting to her feet, Reyna straightened her hat, “It’s called insurance, Lucy. Something so diabolical only humans could have come up with it. You know you could learn a thing or two from them.”

“Now, Reyna here is my kind of sinner! When you’re dealing with murderous demons on a daily basis, you got to have some sort of assurance!”

“Yeah, yeah, enough with the boring stuff and let’s focus on important things.”

Stella took a pencil from her pocket and balanced it on her nose

“I can do that too!”

“Very impressive, Ma’am!”

Caleb frowned, “Maddy, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to for the sake of points.”

“Hate to break it to you, Mr. parasol paramour, but she kinda does. I know this season isn’t doing the whole elimination castration shebang but Lucy Lou made it pretty clear that not playing along while have dire consequences for your prsopective sex slaves.”

“So I’m not going to punish you because you’re all equally as guilty as the other, not just you here on the island, but all those watching. There’s been so much talk about who is in charge here…and I’ve decided to make it abundantly clear going forward. This is my show. I didn’t want it, but it’s mine, and on my pride as a demon, I will make it a success, the only way I know how.”

“Yeah, you tell them Lucy! If you let your contestants do whatever they want they get uppity! Just look at Cassandra, or even worse the Ara-Ara Lady! She is forced to host a wedding for them!”

“Because,” Maya said simply as she grabbed the dice, “I can still win this. All I have to do is roll six on all five dice, get the bonus, and I’ll have more points.”

“That’s the spirit!”

“I hate spirits.”

“Oh,” Maya paused and then leaned in towards Stella and whispered, “Can you be a good little girl for Mommy and push in her chair?”

“Uh, Maya gambled and won a fun transformation! It’s like body control! Only more limited!”

“Why, Ma’am. I wasn’t aware you had a body control kink. Thought that was Miss Stormwalkers thing.”

“Noemi is breaking Mira’s kneecaps!”

“Well, figuratively at least.”

“With a literal bat!”

“Yeah, things didn’t turn out too swell for the old songbird. Turns out raping was not the answer. But you know what they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Actually, no it isn’t.”

“Reyna reminds me of a certain type of fan I see on stream a lot. They delight in not revealing spoilers but LOVE being able to hint at things without giving it away. The type that does handcover emojis whenever you accidentally say a theory that may be true. They can’t help themselves.” As she finished speaking, the lights began to dim, and the cranking of a projector coming to life was heard.

“It’s paved with these guys. No, seriously. I’m not even making this up. Walking it is a pain because these noisy bastards never shut u...”

Suddenly the lights in the studio started to flicker.

“Woah, sorry folks. Looks like we are having some small technical difficulties round here!”

“What?”

The lights go out completely, casting the studio in darkness.

“Uh Ma’am? Did you forgot to pay the bills?”

“How should I know! I was busy balancing that pencil!”

“Ma’am. I don’t want to alarm you but I think we are losing con…”

BZZZT!

MEANWHILE, THOUSANDS OF MULTI-VERSES AWAY

INSIDE A VERY CRAMPED PRESENT BOX.

“There, done.”

A certain cyborg-catgirl shoved a laptop inside the present box. The woman inside the box gave a pleased nod.

“Well done, Tracy. Am I correct to assume full control has been established?”

“Yep. Fuck, these two are insufferable. Worse then you. Somehow.”

“Excellent, you may go now.”

“Yep.”

The catgirl cyborg closed the lid again.

“Marcie, what the fuck was that?”

“Quite simple, Gina. It appears that during our absence some radical elements attempted to misuse our good name to host their own review show. I just severed their connection.”

“You mean the catslut did.”

“Who answers to me. Same thing.”

“Ok cool, can I go back to dying now? Kinda hadn’t had any luck with that these past two weeks.”

“Hm yes, it appears these suits are preventing us from perishing. As well as suspending. our need for other bodily functions. Like urinating or defecating.”

“You could have stopped a line early and we would have all been much happier, Marcie.”

“But your inability to break water is not important right now, Gina.”

“Haaa…”

“What is important, Gina, is that we can finally resume our reviews.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh but I am, Gina! We will pick off right where these two troublemakers left off.”

“We are inside a not that giant present box, Marcie.”

“Yes, but now that I have a laptop...”

“…”

“And luckily, we are right in time for the climax! But first..."

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

"Now, Mira is accosted by Caleb for what she did to Eliza.”

“Oh right, think I remember that. Wow, he's pissed."

“Which is why I am very proud to say, Mira did nothing wrong.”

“Fuckinghell.”

“Gina, I know you dislike older contestants, but you need to see past that.”

“She assaulted someone, Marcie.”

“But is it really assault when it is done for a good cause?”

“YES! And the cause isn't even good!"

“Without Mira’s intervention Eliza would have been eliminated. She did the right thing and yet nobody else is capable of seeing that!”

“She sure as all hell succeeded in creating a monster. So yeah, good job, I guess.”

“Eliza was a monster before, Gina. Have you seen her takes on capitalism? *shudder*”

“Uhu. The date with Stella is rather cute, although that erotic asphyxiation is not something I can get behind.”

“Yeah, yeah challenge time and…”

“Gina, I believe we have something else to go through first.”

“Uggghhh!”

“Fanmail, but Lucy does things a tad different. Instead of the usual slog, everyone is allowed to ask the contestant questions, which they have to answer honestly.”

“This is so much better! Why doesn’t every host do this? Fuck’s sake.”

“A shame we couldn’t submit our own questions. I would have made some...inquiries. Hehehe.”

“Whatever Let’s get to the part were Lucy shoots Caleb in the fucking face!”

“It is another gun challenge, although not of the transformation variety. The girls have to hunt Caleb down and shoot him.”

“Ok, I have to admit, Caleb running away with that umbrella was fucking hilarious.”

“Yes, as far as challenges go this is quite the step up from the first one. I am happy Lucy has taken my criticism to heart.”

“I don’t think he has a heart, Marcie.”

“I was speaking in the figurative sense, Gina.”

“Uhu. Oh, Maya has won the challenge, proving that she’s not completely useless.”

“Well then, time for a new round of transformations. Hm, I do like Duplicitous Sincerity for Lily and Data Poisoning simply must win for Amy!”

“I dunno, Marcie. Kenja time, sounds funnier to me... has Lucy even thought Muzzle and Collar through? Just wear it when you go to sleep!”

“Sin eater does sound considerably more appealing, I would say.”

“Meh, none of the hags interest me.”

“I am not that enthused about Noemi’s options either. Perhaps spreading gospel? But Maddy now, definitely unbearable constraints.”

“Why exactly do you want to see the fatty naked, Marcie?”

“If there is one winner of this transformation round it would definitely be Stella.”

“Huh, looks like we agree for once.”

“All in all, I must say not a bad haul.”

“Uhu, too bad the audience will be screwing it up again by voting for trash."

“And with that, all that is left is this rounds best and worst girl.”

“How exciting.”

Best is, of course, Mira, the only girl who did absolutely nothing wrong!”

“Of course.”

“Worst girl, well, Eliza. What a horrid person to not understand Mira’s grace. I would rank Noemi very low as well for attempted murder but I do like her entrepreneurial spirit.”

“Ugh..let’s see, yep, I think Stella takes it again, this round.”

“Really? Did she even do anything?”

“Worst, oh definitely Mira.”

“You are just saying this to upset me, Gina.”

“Nah, I think most of it has already said in the season. Mira deluded herself into thinking she had no options when she totally had.”

“Hm, well, this has been going on for long enough.”

“You can say that again. How long are we left stuck in here?”

“Good question. But I have good news. With this laptop we will resume reviews even from in here!”

“Fucking hell!”