John Doe and Johan Ackerman read Marcie and Gina read 5/Day 1/month

"What's going on? Where am I" you say, confused.

"Relax." says a familiar voice. You recognize him as the point of view self-insert character from Attack on Titan Harem Generator. "When mysterious things happen on this site, it often leads to sex."

"What the fuck does that mean?" you say, hoping that there are sexy nurses ready to immediately fuck you nearby.

"It means, just relax. We've both been brought here to review a story." He shows you the computer screen.

Which one of these trash-fests do you want to read about?

5/Day 1/Month, by JakeSnakeCakes

Your heart stops. This story is about you. As you open the original link, you think that it's impossible that someone could have written your life so accurately. Then it dawns on you, you are a fictional character. Even worse, your story doesn't even have 100 chapters. Many of the routes just seem to end, unfinished as the unfocussed author sporadically adds a chapter here and there. Comments range from "why doesn't he just fuck his mom?" and "this is some find the freeman shit". You hyperventilate.

"Hey, calm down" Johan Ackerman says.

"H-he didn't even give me a name" you say, tears streaming down your face. "He just makes me fuck random women and cry. What kind of fate is this? Am I even human, or just some figment in someone's pornographic fantasies? Do I even have free will?"

"It could be worse, you could be the author of one of these stories."

You feel better immediately.

"Okay buddy, are you ready to read this review? Then I can get back to plowing Attack on Titan characters."

You feel the determination rising inside of you. Who cares if you're generic? You're you, universal (as long as the reader has a penis).

"Yes, absolutely."

"Then let's read!"

BGM (neither of my characters canonically know how to link music): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBWCphAu8ik

"Wow, what a terrible review" Johan says, halfheartedly. "It was... just really bad. Not a fan of it. And... inaccurate too."

You feel the life drain out of you. Everything they've said is entirely correct. Johan's face barely hides his own disgust. Even he is overwhelmed with grief. There's no way you could respond. It would simply be better for your stupid author to just delete his account. Then, Johan breathes out. He looks at you. This time, he smiles like he has suddenly seen the path to victory.

"We can do this, {first_name}"

"Call me John" you say, feeling his energy.

Then it occurs to you. You don't have to be clever or funny. All you need to do is nitpick, and pretend that the characters are morons. If you simply lie, there's a very real chance you can convince people that you're correct. After all, people like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis.

"First of all, let's talk about Marcie and Gina. Who are these girls anyways?" Johan says.

"Pretty annoying. They're like lesbian anime girls? The author seems to be a huge weeb, as you can tell from the background music."

Johan nods.

"I also realized, that if it's my fate to have sex with hordes of sexy nurses, then their fate is even more tragic. To review all these shitty stories."

"Speaking of the background music, I want to give a shoutout to my girl CupcakKe, who wrote CPR."

Your eyes widen. Does this character really pound CupcakKe? Between her appearance, and her lyrics that are both crass and clever, you've always had a thing for her. You feel intense pangs of jealousy. You quickly skim through Attack on Titan Harem Generator to make sure this isn't the case.

"I don't think you can call her your girl, because you've never even talked about her in your story."

Johan looks a bit taken aback.

"Alright, let's move on. The author is a weeb."

"Yeah" you nod. "That's a bad thing. Only losers watch anime." You're thankful that your Gunsmith Cats tattoo is covered up by your Lucky Star t-shirt and Fullmetal Alchemist cosplay jacket.

Johan nods.

“And his picture is disgusting too!”

"Lowtiergod is disgusting?" you say.

"What did they mean by this?" Johan says, screenshoting this passage and preparing to upload it to twitter. Inside, you feel joy. If the author is cancelled, then you will have won this.

“This has to be one of the most harmless affliction's ever. Most of the readers here jerk off this much on a daily basis.”

You decide to willfully misinterpret this part.

"Wow, so I guess they hate disabled people?"

Johan looks at you, confused. Even he thinks this is a stretch.

"I mean, because I could die, that's just harmless?"

Johan puts his fingers on his brow.

"Okay, to be honest I did read your story. I thought it was really contrived how you're mostly unable to masturbate yourself, especially when your cock gets hard at the drop of a hat. It's also really inconsistent. Sometimes you're able to do it, and other times you struggle and the only solution is to have a threesome."

You feel shocked at this betrayal. Evidently, your author had chosen to make Johan Ackerman an utter bastard.

"And you can't just say they hate disabled people. Please don't do this. You're just going to start drama."

“First! I thought the driver was female. Second, this is a certified unkown7 attempt at humor. Har Har, the driver is driving so if he joins in the car crashes! Bad End!”

"Have these people never read a choose your adventure book? Most of the endings are going to be deaths."

"Well to be fair, most of your endings aren't. This one looks like it was a commenter's suggestion."

Johan scans the screen.

"Looks like they really loved the Sephiroth joke."

"Yeah, joke" you say, pissed off that these losers don't understand.

"And they say that the sex is disgusting, the example passage they use is that you smell her delicious stink".

"I think they willfully misinterpreted this in an attempt to make the author look bad. What the passage actually means is that I smelled her sweaty body, not her asshole. Although I'm not against that either."

"I'll admit that smelling your sweat is an important part of the afterglow. To them, the sex scenes are probably gross because their author doesn't have it. Sex is inherently disgusting, and revelling in that is the secret to a good sex life. But maybe the author isn't that good at writing."

"What?"

"He's just not great. Delicious stink could be interpreted as post-sex sweat, or an asshole."

"He created both of us, you ungrateful swine."

"Yeah, and how do you think it feels that you get all the updates and attention. How many of his stories get the same amount of attention as 5/Day 1/Month?"

You feel pity for him. God has forsaken him.

"I'm sorry Johan."

He breathes out and calms down. "Let's just finish this thing."

"It doesn't look like there's much more. Just some suggestions that the author is definitely taking."

"Alright. Well, it's been nice knowing you."

"Likewise. Good luck with you. I hope our author will finish your story."

"Same to you, friend."

You and Johan feel yourselves fading away, returning back to your own stories.