Janus

Dear future me,

The year is 5112 WE, and the magic for some reason or another awakened. Some say that it came back. Some even claim it never really left, just lay dormant for thousands of years. Whatever the case may be people started waking up as elves, dwarves, orcs, and even stranger things forever changed. Tomorrow I may wake up an elf myself. That's how wild things are right now. But at least for now I am just a normal guy, average in most things, fairly mild mannered.

Luckily for me things have been pretty stable. I live in Fluxdenn, it's one of the largest cities in the whole world, controlling the world's most important waterways, the Farrada Canal that bridges the east and western hemispheres. And the strait of Vogaz that connects the Meridian Sea of the southwest to the Carpathian Sea to the northeast. In short a lot of sea ships, and airships alike pass through from all over. So we already had a mixed population so most of the people here are not going crazy just because some people now have pointy ears. Maybe it’s ‘cause I lived in the city my whole life, the hustle and bustle of running to make my tram never really gave me time to worry about things I can’t control; that doesn't matter. No matter what changes people are still people.

‘That should be enough for today’ I thought as I finished clacking away at my typewriter. Dr.Guven can’t expect me to write a five paragraph essay for this? When I still have a bunch of homework to do.

“Janus! Dinner is ready!” my mother called. The smell of fresh fish, and citrus flooding into my nose as I opened my bedroom door. Going into the bathroom to wash my hands, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was fairly average looking, wavy short hair, my skin pale from spending too much time inside, and chronic mild acne around the edges of my face. I have a small scar on my chin from a work accident while taking shifts at the dockyard. Someone was carrying something over there shoulder, and turned around not seeing me walking to the side of him. Split my chin right open. I never liked how I looked, not that I was ugly I knew that but looking at myself made me feel gross. I try not to look at myself in the mirror because of it.

My twin sister, Petra and I went to help set the table. We both are about the same height, around 6’2, my sister being slightly taller than me. Both of us towering over our mother, Reveka, who was only 5’5. Tonight we were having a whole sea bass from the market downtown.

“So how have you been feeling lately? Has your sessions Dr.Guven been helping at all?” My mother asked me as we started to eat.

“I think so. We only had a couple of sessions so far. She has me do some journaling to… I don’t know… help collect my thoughts. She was really nice though,” I said.

“But it’s too early to tell if it's helping?” She finished for me.

“Yeah…” I affirmed.

“Are you still having those thoughts?–” she asked.

“Mom!” my sister cut in.

“What I have a right to know don’t I?” my mother said defensively.

“I don’t think he wants to talk about it right now.” Petra pressed on my behalf.

“When are we going to talk about it then?” my mother added.

“Mom, he will talk about it–” Petra said firmly.

“No it’s ok… and yeah I have those thoughts everyday. But it’s been getting better,” I said, shrugging.

“Oh…ok” my mother said quietly.

We ate the rest of our meal in mostly silence interrupted by brief questions to pass one thing or another. After cleaning up we all departed into our separate rooms. As I finished the rest of my homework, to the muffled sound of my sister's radio on the other side of the shared wall. I pulled out a book that I purchased from the occult store. I never put much stock into such things but…things have changed. This book claims to help me find my Idol Spirit, which is one way it seems people have been learning to cast spells.The old lady behind the counter also gave me a small pouch with my purchase. It was filled with herbs and mushrooms I was not familiar with. She told me to inhale the smoke before I started meditating.

Skimming through the book as fast as I can, it says that I should focus on my wants, desires, aspirations, as I meditate so a like-minded spirit would find me. But I am not so sure I really know what I want. What I want to do, or anything like that. I guess I want to be powerful; I want to feel comfortable in my own body; I want to be happy; I want to be special; I don’t want people thinking I'm some creep;I want to be myself; I don’t want to pretend no more.

I opened a window before lighting the herbs in a censor, I tried to inhale deeply but It immediately made me cough. But as I got used to it, I inhaled more and more of the smoke. I started feeling dizzy, and my vision started to blur. Then suddenly, I felt as though I had just got shot out of a cannon; straight into the sky. I was floating high above the clouds, amongst the stars in the night sky. My skin started to crawl as every constellation started to look like thousands of eyes staring straight at me. I felt overwhelmed, powerless, terrified, as these incomprehensible creatures started to take form all around me. I thought for sure one was going to swallow me whole and there would be nothing left of me.

In the moments of petrifying fear, as the creatures…no spirits swirled around and stalked me I heard them call out to me in unpronounceable words. Then I felt one, it was all around me, and there was nothing to be seen. Shot out once more even further beyond, stars whizzing by, I kept going farther and farther until I entered a void of nothingness. But this time I felt safe. Nothing was looking at me, nothing was calling out to me, I was weightless, burdenless. Then I felt the spirit surrounding me again. No it was holding me, embracing me, comforting me. Then It started to take form. I could feel two sets of arms wrapped around me, when I looked up at the spirit's face features were in a constant state of feminine flux. What was constant was eyes of bright stars, each one a swirling galaxy, skin made of the night sky that was softer than the clouds, pointed ears, two sets of wings wrapping around of me same as their arms, a pair of horns of shing smooth obsidian forming a crown, and floating between the horns was a perfect sphere that glowed like the moon. It held me into its bosom while it ‘hummed’, their whole body melodically vibrating. I didn’t resist, without words I accepted them as my Idol. Soon after I dozed off to sleep in the spirit’s many appendages.

When I came too, I found myself alone sitting in my desk chair. But something was different, I could sense its presence, it was watching over me, It was in my very soul. The smoke had died down, and all that was left was ash. Unfortunately the trash had filled up so I took the time to collect most of them before heading out to drop it down this floor's garbage shoot. But when I looked down the shoot into the black shadow I had the same feeling of eyes on me, watching me past the blackness, calling out to me. But I ignored it and turning away made it stop, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

Collapsing on my bed I unusually fell right asleep, in a matter of a couple minutes when it normally takes me at least an hour. I dreamed of the Idol. This time I was standing before the spirit as it knelt down before me in the void. I Didn’t get to appreciate the scale of them before, they were at least three times my size. It spoke to me, in its melodic humming, this unintelligible, unpronounceable, cosmic language. But I understood nonetheless.

“You came back,” they spoke;not a question but a statement.

“Yes,” I said dumbfounded.

“You wish to make the pact,” They said, affirming my intentions.

“Yes,” I said in awe, as I stared up at this cosmic being. Each word I could feel radiating through my whole body.

“You must accept me and accept yourself. Do actions in my domain. Or I will leave. The more you do for me and for yourself the closer we will become and the more of my power you can channel within yourself. My pact will change you, others might not accept you for it,” They said. Their eyes staring into me.

“What kind of actions?” I asked.

“Of the moon. The night. The depths. Bring to the surface what is hidden away. Hide when need be. Shine brightly when the time comes. Take what is secure. Give to what is not. Embrace darkness, embrace desire, embrace your beast. This is the way,” They said and I realized now we were standing on still water. Looking down all I saw was reflections, the depths beyond were pitch black.

“I accept,” I said firmly. With one of their hands they touched their glowing sphere and another touched my head. One finger in the middle of my forehead, and two more pressed over each of my eyes. The pact was sealed. Our connection was made. I don’t remember anything after that. When I woke up the next morning I felt a massive headache as if someone stabbed the inside of my skull. My vision was blurry as my eyes adjusted to the sunlight. Getting up I felt different, off balanced, besides the headache I otherwise feel uncharacteristically refreshed.

Going into the bathroom I said, “Good Morning” to my sister who was getting ready.

“Jay?...” My sister said looking at me confused.

“What?” I said looking at her before I noticed my reflection beside her, pointed ears coming out of platinum colored hair. My hands immediately went up to feel my ears. They were indeed pointy.

“You're an elf. It's a good look on you. Though it also helps that it cleared up your skin. Actually…I can’t even tell if you have pores,” she said, her eyes examining me before she put her hand to my face.

“Wow, it's soft like a baby. And not oily at all. Even your hair feels even softer. It's gotta have a nice healthy looking shine too,” She said as her hands experimentally felt my hair between her fingers.

“Ok, that's enough touching. We both have to get ready,” I said, putting my hands up defensively.

“Alright, fine. But later you have to let me show you how to maintain that new mane of yours,” She said as she went back to taking care of her own hair. Her’s was curlier than mine and she often had to brush out the knots in the morning, especially on the odd day that it was humid in the winter.

“Sure. Tonight? After my appointment,” I said while examining myself in the mirror. My skin was definitely different. My complexion seemed to deepen. And my undertones went from olive to…gray? Slightly purple? It definitely did not look natural. My iris matched my hair bright off-white. My features even seemed to change slightly to be more…elvish. But most strange of all was there was no sign there was ever a scar on my chin.

After we finished our daily routine, I asked my sister to get out so I could finally use the bathroom. I really needed to pee, but when I fished my cock out I was surprised to notice that beside the color it was unchanged. Except that I have foreskin. I was able to pee like normal which put me at ease. I guess you do really get reborn when you “awaken”.

On the way to school it was uneventful. Some people gave me looks but no one approached me. What was strange was that occasionally I passed by or looked at something that gave me the same feeling as I had last night looking down the trash chute. Ignoring it, luckily that still seemed to work and I really needed to get to school.