I can't tell you my problems, meditate in my silence

Even after promising to do his best, Nick still found himself a little stunned by the transformation Morgana had underwent. She looked so different now; no wonder he had almost forgotten her original appearance.

“You look confused,” Dawn said, making Morgana jump. Her eyes shot to her feline friend and her blotchy complexion nearly returned to its alabaster shine. Then it turned bright scarlet.

“D-Dawn…” Morgana stammered, fidgeting with her fingers.

Perceptive as always, Dawn could tell how apprehensive Morgana was, and she was hardly surprised. After all, the goth girl had spent 9000 BP, everything she had stored up and then some, just to regain a temporary glimpse of her original self- a body that at one time she had been overjoyed to be rid of for good.

Was it any surprise, then, that she would prefer not to dwell on the topic? Certainly not.

But Dawn knew her friend well, which was why she knew that Morgana wanted this date to be a success more than anything. And if Nick was left fumbling around in the dark for answers and trying to understand what was going on, then it wouldn’t. She had been down this road enough times; Nick would be hyper-vigilant, incredibly considerate and attuned to everything Morgana might want, and in doing so, unknowingly put pressure on her. On the other hand, if he understood the reasoning behind what they were doing, he wouldn’t have to be as sensitive to every little thing that Morgana did, and could actually relax, and enjoy himself.

So he needed to understand her motivation.

“Morgana was having a hard time trying to figure out what she wanted to do for her date with you,” Dawn calmly explained over Morgana’s objections. “She hasn’t had you all to herself in quite some time, so there was a lot of pressure for today to be perfect.”

“DAWN!” Morgana mentally screamed at her friend, only now remembering that they could communicate through telepathy. This way she could get her to be quiet without tipping her hand to Nick, and she went all in on it. “Please stop talking! Don’t tell him! I’ll die of embarrassment, I will, I’ll just die!”

“Haah…” Dawn sighed. She took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. She understood why Morgana felt the way she did, but… “I’m sorry, Morgana, but this is important. I know it’s embarrassing, but he needs to understand why you went to this length to change your body like this. It’s not normal, you realize that, right? He’s probably freaking out right now and he’s just hiding it really well.”

And not even that well, if Dawn was being honest.

Morgana blinked, taken aback. She turned and looked at Nick, like she was seeing him for the first time. Now that Dawn mentioned it, he did look kind of… confused.

“Um…okay… I-I guess you’re right…” Morgana conceded. “But could you let me tell him? Not you? Please…”

Dawn was surprised to hear that. Pleasantly surprised. She had figured Morgana would be too self-conscious about her actions to properly explain them, but it looked like the boldness she’d been working on was paying off!

Smiling with pride, Dawn adjusted her glasses and turned back to a very confused Nick, who was ignorant of the entire silent discussion that had transpired.

“Actually… maybe it’s better if Morgana explains things,” Dawn said, stepping aside and giving space for the shy goth girl to explain herself.

Morgana swallowed and stepped forward, fidgeting with her belt. She looked really uncomfortable which made Nick feel uncomfortable; he wanted to support her, but looking at her like this, he wasn’t sure what to say.

“I… I know you must be really confused,” Morgana mumbled, gazing into Nick’s eyes. “Why would I… change myself like this? That’s probably what you’re asking…”

Obviously Morgana didn’t need to have a reason to want to go back to her original body; Nick wouldn’t even question it if she or any other girl who’d been transformed had chosen to do so, whether she looked better in her transformed body or not.

But she’d dropped several hints earlier, and he tried to piece them together in an attempt to show he was listening.

“You mentioned wanting to go on a date with me as yourself,” he said gently. “Even though you didn’t look… well…” It felt a little gross to say, so he tried to find a nicer way to word it. But Morgana cut through that, expressing herself.

“I’m not pretty like this,” she echoed, reaching up and rubbing her hand across her face. “Even with makeup on… my face, it’s… it’s not smooth, the acne… I’m… I just…”

“That’s normal for a teenager though,” Nick said, trying to soothe her concerns. “When I was a kid, my face, well…”

“He’s not lying,” Dawn chimed in. “He had it pretty bad back in middle school and high school. It’s all cleared up now, but back then…”

Yep. Thanks Dawn. I can always count on that perfect memory of yours to embarrass me. Nick pushed past the shame burning in his chest and tried to support Morgana the best he could.

“Anyway, I don’t mind that stuff,” Nick assured the self-conscious teen. “Smooth skin isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities.”

Morgana’s lips twitched, like she wanted to smile but was too self-conscious to do it. “I-I see… um… but my boobs, they’re…”

She glanced down at her chest. Without her Big Titty Goth Girl transformation, she was almost as flat as Holly, or even Dawn without Vivian’s investments. The dress she was wearing helped a little, but compared to the way she used to look it wasn’t even close.

“And she doesn’t have her huge butt anymore, either,” Dawn finished, her tail twitching impatiently behind her. She didn’t have all day for Morgana to confess. “And none of that matters. Right, Nick?”

Morgana’s heart pounded in her chest as she looked expectantly at him, and Nick honestly didn’t know what answer they expected him to give.

“Did… did you honestly think I would say otherwise?” He asked, sounding a little hurt. “Morgana, I thought you knew me well enough to know… I’m not a superficial person like that,” he said. “Breast size, butts, none of that stuff… that’s not important to me.”

Nick shook his head. “A person’s personality is the important part.”

Dawn nodded in swift agreement, pushing up her chin proudly. “See? Holly and I told you, that’s just the kind of guy Nick is.”

Morgana tried to smile, she really did. She knew that was how Nick felt; that was the sort of guy he was. The kind of man who truly valued the romanticism of the soul. That had been the element of his writing that had seduced her fickle teenage heart, turning her into an obsessive fan. She had convinced himself that he saw the real her, that he would love her even if she was plain and unattractive.

But now that she’d met him, now that she’d gotten to know him, to feel his touch, to understand truly what it was like to be precious to him…

“I believe that,” she whispered, clutching her chest. “With all my heart, but…”

All the affection and caring in the world, it wasn’t enough sometimes to undo a lifetime of doubt and insecurity. She looked down, her face burning with shame and guilt. She wanted to believe in him, she wanted to feel confident that he loved her for who she was.

And she hated that her brain wasn’t letting her.

Dawn bit her lip, worried that this date was going to fall apart before it even got started. “Y-you see?” She interjected herself between the two of them, trying to put on a playful voice to smooth over any roughness. But she was fairly inept at that. “Playful” didn’t come easily to the serious and diligent genius.

It was enough to break the tension, though. And snap Morgana back to her senses.

The dark-haired girl swung her head up, her large hat nearly falling off. Her eyes were wide with manic desire and it felt like she was looking into Nick’s soul. That flash… for a second, Nick thought he was back in her bedroom that day when they first met, feeling the overwhelming pressure of her affection for him.

“Nick!” She said forcefully, stepping forward. Her heart was pounding and her pupils shrank into pinpricks behind her contacts. “I… I want to believe in you! …No, that… that came out wrong, um… what I meant to say was…”

She fumbled for her words even more than Amelia did. But Nick trusted her to get through this. He may not have spent as much time with Morgana this round as he may have wanted, but he trusted her. He knew that she had been trying her best in her own way.

“I meant… that… I know the kind of man you are… Nick…” Morgana finally managed to get out, gazing into his eyes. “I know that you’re sweet… you’re kind… and you don’t… you don’t only look at women for their bodies…”

She clutched her chest again, as if she was missing the large breasts she’d once had.

“…But the problem is… with me. My insecurity… my… my doubt…”

In a way, this was progress. Once upon a time, Morgana would have never been able to illustrate and talk about her faults. She would just crumple up and turn inward, hiding behind her witch persona, and pretend like she was perfect.

Now, even though her fears almost left her crippled, she had to express herself regardless. “I… I can’t help but doubt you… because I’m weak,” she admitted. “My brain is telling me… that… that if you didn’t like me, you wouldn’t spend any time with me… that you’re not the kind of guy who would exploit a girl… just for her body… just because she’s devoted to you… of course you wouldn’t do anything like that, I know that…”

Nick sure hoped that she did! The thought he could be anything like what she was saying left him feeling disgusted!

Morgana gazed up at him with a pitying gaze that reflected her own self-loathing. It made Nick wince.

“But in my heart… it’s myself I keep doubting,” she confessed to him. “Even knowing what a great guy you are… sometimes I keep telling myself ‘But why would he like you? You’re just a nobody. You’re just a loser. All you do is coop yourself up in your room, reading your books and watching your anime, no wonder you haven’t spent any time together!’ and I can’t stand it…”

What a bitter feeling. Morgana was most comfortable expressing her thoughts when those thoughts were condemnations and criticisms aimed at her own shortcomings.

She shook her head, trying to banish those negative thoughts. “I convinced myself… part of me convinced myself, I mean, that… that the only reason you liked me, that… that my role in your harem was… was to just be the sexy goth that you wanted to… to f-f-fuck…”

Her face burned with embarrassment at the appellation she had once proudly claimed for herself. Once upon a time, she’d envisioned the role of “Sexy Goth Witch Queen” as the greatest thing she could ever aspire to in Nick’s harem. And she would be lying if she said a part of her didn’t still really like the idea of herself as his sexy mistress of the night, using her magic to make herself look sexier and more appealing for his tastes.

But… Morgana had grown since then.

“I thought I was happy with that… but I’ve changed,” she admitted, tearing her gaze off of him and turning her eyes towards Dawn. “I have… friends now. People who… who like me… for… for who I am now…”

“I know, and I’m one of those people,” Nick said gently, hoping he could convince her. It was just a small note, but he hoped it would be enough.

Morgana looked back to him and smiled. “…You are,” she agreed with a small nod. “I really believe that, I do… but I get so afraid sometimes. Now that I know there’s more for me than just… looking like a sexy goth girl… now that I know what it’s like to have people who like me for who I am… I want that, too.”

She had always been a pure girl behind the fantasies and the sexy façade. Anyone who spent even a little time with her could see how pure her heart was underneath the black satin and lace.

But she was getting greedier.

Now that she’d tasted genuine affection, she wanted more. It wasn’t enough to be sexually desired anymore, no, now she needed Nick to love her for who she was, too.

Being his sexy goth witch had been enough for the childish, immature Morgana who viewed this as just another one of her sleazy fantasies. But this wasn’t a dream. It was her life now.

“If I’m… going to spend the rest of my life with you…” She clutched her dress, bunching it up in her black fingernails. “…Then I have to know that you like me for who I am. I… I have to be sure.”

She gave Nick the most apologetic stare she could. It felt so awful, doubting him like this. She felt like the worst woman in the world!

Morgana shouldn’t have had to resort to this. She should have just accepted that he liked her for who she was! Her brain could do it, but her heart…

Her heart had swallowed a lifetime of propaganda that she wasn’t desirable, likable, or fun to be around. So even though she’d been presented with so much evidence to the contrary, her stupid, stubborn heart refused to listen.

Nick nodded slowly, understanding. “So that’s why… you did this…” He said quietly.

“Yeah,” Dawn confirmed with a soft nod of her own. She looked over to Morgana, and hoped that her friend had the confidence to say what she needed to say. Come on, Morgana, you can do it. Just a little bit more!

“…And that’s why I did this stupid, crazy thing,” Morgana finished, holding out her hands in “Ta-da!” sort of motion.

Feeling self-conscious again she quickly continued, “I needed… I wanted… I wanted to go on a date with you without looking sexy. My body… my looks… they might be distractions, and… and even if they weren’t, um… I wanted…”

She was running on fumes, Nick could see.

Luckily, he understood her feelings all too well now.

“I get it, don’t worry,” he said gently, approaching the self-conscious girl before she babbled herself into a loss of oxygen.

Morgana shut her mouth and looked up at him in amazement, wondering if it was true. Did… did he really get where she was coming from?

Could she really be that lucky?

The look in his eyes… it told her… it told her that, yes, he was looking right at her… he was seeing her… her heart…

What she wanted to see most of all.

“Stop me if I’ve got it wrong,” Nick said, trying to work this out as carefully as possible. “You’re feeling self-conscious because you know your body is attractive, and you know I’m attracted to it. But you don’t think I’d be attracted to the real you, without the transformations, right?”

Morgana gulped, nodding. He was right so far…

“Even though your transformations are permanent?” Nick asked. “Even though you’re not going to go back to being like this again?”

She winced, fearing that he didn’t understand after all. But she still nodded, knowing that he was right. Looking like this… it was a choice she’d made. And a costly one.

“…And that’s why you made this big play,” Nick concluded. “Because you had to know for sure. You temporarily suppressed the transformations that make you have big boobs, a big butt, smooth skin, all of that, you did it because you want us to have a real date. You’re testing me; to see if I’ll still have a good time with you even if you’re not some sexy goth bombshell. Is that about right?”

Morgana winced again. That was exactly what she was after… but hearing it said back to her made her feel like the worst person in the world.

Still… she nodded.

And when Nick smiled, she felt like her heart was going to burst.

“…Yeah, I get it,” he assured her, his smile deepening even more. “You’re feeling self-conscious. I understand completely. And I’m right there with you, Morgana.”

Her ruby-red eyes widened as he extended his hand towards her.

“I want to go on a date with the real you, too,” Nick said. “…Oh, but, uh, I’m not talking about your body when I say that, sorry.”

Morgana looked at him in confusion.

Dawn covered the smirk on her lips, understanding exactly what Nick had meant. But poor, confused Morgana, who was still a novice in relationships, she simply wouldn’t ever get it, would she? Nick would have to explain much better than that…

“Morgana, who you are doesn’t change just because your body is different,” Nick assured her. “And I think you know that’s how I feel. The ‘real’ you has nothing to do with whether or not you have huge boobs or not, what I mean is a date with you as yourself. That’s it.”

Whether she looked like something out of a witch-themed porn magazine, or just another scrawny teenage girl, it didn’t matter to Nick. He wasn’t going to fall in love with body parts. He liked Morgana for who she was. And while he admittedly couldn’t go as far as to say that he loved her, there was still time.

Was she not as attractive like this? By most metrics, that was objectively true. But that didn’t mean Nick couldn’t fall in love with her.

He wanted to get to know Morgana as a person. That was what he’d been neglecting all this time. That was what he had to make up for.

“I haven’t gotten to spend nearly as much time with you this round as I’d have liked to, as I should have,” Nick admitted, keeping his hand extended out to her. “I’m sorry about that. I missed a lot of chances to get to bond with you as a person. There’s no way we can make up for all that in one day, but… we have a lot of time.”

He looked hopefully at the trembling goth, fearing just a little bit that she might burst into tears right in front of him.

“…Would that be okay with you?” He asked. “A date where we can get to know each other? That’s what I wanted when I came here in the first place.”

Hopefully by having fun with her, he could dispel her fears forever that the only thing he saw in her was her body. That was what they both wanted from today more than anything.

Conquering her fears and doubts, Morgana stepped forward and accepted his hand.

“Yes,” she said as tears rolled down her cheeks. “I would like that too!”

Dawn watched the two of them smile at each other, and a smile of her own spread across her thin lips. Well, that’s sweet! For once, we got the big emotional catharsis out of the way before the date even began! Dawn knew from listening to several other girls that this was a fairly rare occurrence.

Hopefully, the rest of the date would go as positively as the first ten minutes seemed to be going. She really wanted Morgana to get everything she wanted out of today.