I Need To Know

That I'm me. That I'm a man. That I'm the person I was when I was born in that other and original version of my life and that all of this isn't some bad dream but it's all some nightmare at the same time. That I might really be in this body but I was stuck in it and that's all.

I worry I just went a little crazy. That's all that happened. Lost my mind a little and overindulged in the moment.

I cannot ignore the facts of body chemistry, even if I nearly flunked biology in school.

Every single one of these moments was preceeded by an initial act. Cause and then effect and it's possible that all that happened when I lost myself in pleasure was that it was the effect of a cause.

Basically that I got turned on, and then I couldn't help myself.

If that's true then it didn't have anything to do with me, with my personality or my preferences. It's just simple chemical call and response. It's lack of experience. It's a misunderstanding, basically.

You see I'd never grown up in this body and so I wasn't used to life in this skin. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't have the experience.

Let me break it down simply. I got turned on and my body released endorphins and all the other good chemicals it does when that happens. Blood rushed where it rushed and my body responded naturally. And with me being unfamiliar with how it felt and how to handle myself, I lost control.

I mean it wouldn't be the first time I've been turned on by something that didn't really turn me on. I spent decades as a guy, I've popped countless boners at times that absolutely defy comprehension. If being a horny guy isn't about getting turned on by ordinary objects then I don't know what is.

I assumed that what I was feeling was unusually strong, but the truth is it could have only been unusually strong to me. I believed that this was destiny, when the truth it's entirely possible that all that was really happening was that I was weak.

And if that is the case and this all comes from my unfamiliarity with the way this body feels when it's turned on, then all that means is that I am weak, not that I was different than what I'd always believed myself to be. All it meant was that I couldn't help myself and I lost a bit of control, not that I needed this and certainly not that I was this person because I’m not.

Or I might not be.

Right now I want to be Emily Ross. In ten minutes I might want to be back in my old body. And the truth is the only way I'll know for certain where I belong is to get an answer to something so core to the heart of me.

What do I want? What do I need? What do I desire?

Or in other words: Am I the victim of a body that I can't quite handle, or is this who I was meant to be all along?

Body chemistry or soul?

And I needed the answer to that and I was done playing games along the way.

Smiling and feeling like I had a purpose for the first time since I woke up in this body I stretch out beneath the covers, feeling them lay on me like a shroud. They used to wrap bodies in this before they were buried and when I pull it away the sun kisses my skin and I wonder if this is what rebirth feels like?

I have a purpose now. I have a direction. And I sit up smiling and biting my lip as I take in the day with new eyes and new determination.

Can't say it's going to be an easy way forward, but at least I know where I'm heading.

And as my eyes fall on the dresser filled to the brim with clothes that don't seem quite as scary as they used to I think my first step is picking out what to wear.

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