My Agenda For The Day

As I slip out of bed and put my feet on the ground I consider my options, thinking about what would be best for the day. Fingers curling at the skin of the body that had just exploded, pulling at my clothing and peeling it up just far enough that I can feel the kiss of cool air on my skin and then smiling, giggling, as I strip it all away in full.

And stand, bare as I could possibly be, in the middle of the room.

I give a little twirl and blow a kiss to my reflection in the mirror and then tilt up onto the balls of my feet as I practically dance or float across to the dresser. Pulling it open and starting to sort through the clothes I stored in there.

My agenda for the day doesn't escape me. The welcome packet we were given on arrival set the agenda for each day of this week of introductions but I don't need to consult it to remember what was on the docket. Free morning followed by a club fair in the afternoon and then movie night in the evening.

The club fair was designed to try to get us invested in the school. Essentially the common in the middle of campus had been transformed into a series of booths with every possible group that had even the vaguest possible alignment occupying one of them. As new students we were expected to go around touring through the aisles until we found one or two or a dozen different groups that might appeal to us.

Idea being that common interests led to friendships and friendships led to students feeling more at home and thus happier. Not a bad theory as those things go.

I can't help but think about what happened the last time I'd gone to this fair. How I'd wandered around the aisles until I ran into Eddie and the two of us had taken it in turn to either stay sullenly silent or laconically sarcastic. Playing off each other and building up the tension and the general hatred until both of us were so disengeniously down on the idea of joining a group that we'd managed to talk ourselves out of every single one of them.

Attendance to the fair was mandatory. Joining a group wasn't.

In retrospect that was probably a turning point for me, and for Eddie too for that matter. Neither of us really recovering and both of us closing off ourselves from everyone else around us until it was just the two of us building up our walls and... and that didn't have to happen like that this time.

I didn't want it to happen like that this time. I wanted to be someone else now. And god I could.

With a smile I start pulling out options, holding them up against me and setting them aside if they hit a certain kind of appeal. An A-line dress here and a pair of shorts and a loose t-shirt there. Nothing too fancy and nothing too covered up.

The hooded sweaters and loose jeans, they stayed in the drawer. So too did the overly formal dresses or short little outfits clearly picked out with clubbing and dancing in mind. Neither of them really fit the bill for a casual day out, though I did have to wonder what would.

The fact was that I was willing to give this life a shot, to at least open myself up to the possibility that the feelings stirring within me had more to do with being comfortable in my own skin for the first time than the uncertainty of managing this new body of mine.

And if that was the case then I needed to really give things a chance. I needed to give myself a chance.

I needed to embrace Emily Ross and try to truly walk a mile in her shoes.

So that meant new experiences and it meant new opportunities and it meant choices that I wouldn't necessarily have made before. But maybe more than that it meant deciding what sort of woman Emily Ross was, and that I didn't know how to answer.

I was open to the possibility that she was who I wanted to be.

I just still didn't know who she really was.

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