I’m looking for a woman with low self esteem to lay me down and ease my weary mind while I’m winding down my dirty life and times

Rolling Rock. Yeah I have a special affection for Rock. When I was eighteen I had an overnight swim meet in Latrobe Pennsylvania, and our coach bought us a case of Rolling Rock. We all got hammered and after I finished banging Lissa Madigan on the bridge that runs over the Susquehanna River, I pissed in that river. That river feeds the glass lined tanks of the Latrobe Brewing Company, and even though it’s filtered pretty rigorously I like to think that there’s a little bit of me in every bottle of Rock.

Damn, I haven’t thought about Lissa in probably ten years. She was this gorgeous redhead with tits the size of my head. We traded V-cards, but of course neither of us knew what we were doing at the time so it was pretty disappointing. All the build up of getting laid for the first time, and when it actually happens it’s over in five minutes and you feel like you somehow missed the point. And your face! Women look beautiful when they cum but buddy, lemme tell ya, never have sex in front of a mirror. It doesn’t matter if you are Brad Pitt. When you cum, you turn into Goofy. Lissa and I only hooked up those two times and I blame it on the ridiculousness of my O face.

Alright already. The story. So I wasn’t exactly single, but we weren’t a couple and Beth was still seeing Johnny B at the time so I was free to play the field. Little Reina Morrison and I had been out having a couple drinks and engaging in some heavy petting at The Capri. You remember Reina, right? No? She had the type two native features. You know how most Ojibwa girls get all round and plump but about five percent of them look like their nose and cheekbones were chiseled with an Exact-O knife? Well Reina wasn’t Ojibwa, she was Algonquin, but the description still holds. She had all those piercings too. Ears, nose, cyber bites, dimples. Later I found out she also had a triangle.

Speaking of piercings, did I ever tell you about Dana? The guys I hung out with called her Jabba the Slut. She was the first girl I ever got head from with a pierced tongue. I was on one of my off-again periods with Jess, or maybe this was after we’d finally called it quits? No I was still living at Chaos Central and we didn’t finally break up until I was boarding at her Mom’s place. Anyway Dana was a big girl. She was carrying a little extra weight around, but what my friends saw as fat, I recognized as curvy. Cute in a chubby sort of way and she did her damndest to make herself relevant by attaching herself to whatever guy would pay attention to her.

That night she’d come over with Sam. Sam the half Japanese guy, not Samantha who was hooking up with Alex my roommate. Or was it Becky that Samantha was hooking up with? Shit it was the 90s. Anyway Sam, guy Sam, not girl Sam, twigged pretty quick to the idea that she was trawling for cock, and, unlike me, he always tried to avoid sticking his dick in crazy. He met Heather that night and I ended up giving a back rub to Dana while we were all watching The Killer because Alex had gotten a great deal on a bunch of VHS tapes of John Woo movies. Now I love John Woo, and that movie has some of Chow Yun-Fat’s best gun fu, but it was the subtitled version and my glasses were so goddamn scratched up a that I couldn’t read the subs. So I focused on what was more immediately in front of me, which is to say Dana’s neck.

The way she shook when I kissed it told me I was getting lucky that night, and I proceeded to give her one of the best massages I could while sitting on a ratty couch that we’d acquired by dumpster diving. It’s amazing what college students will throw away when they leave for the summer. Hell, one year I refurbished an apartment and managed to score two window AC units all on the same block. Anyway, I walked Dana home that night and we ended up sitting on this weird beanbag couch thing she had and I got my first up close look at labial piercings when I went down on her.

I love eating pussy. I know some guys try to tell you it’s unmanly, but when you’re down there between a girl’s thighs looking up at her with your tongue shoved up her snatch, running through the alphabet and watching her face contort in agonized pleasure, well you feel like God. So I ate her out for probably a good twenty minutes and by the end of it she’d cum so many times that it felt like her brain was leaking down her leg. Then she showed me what tongue piercings are really for.

Well, I was already pretty worked up from my little meal so it didn’t take long before my brains were spraying into her mouth. I’ve gotten sucked off by a few pierced girls since then, but that was the high water line for me. Girls get pierced thinking it’ll help their head game, but it’s not a fucking magic bullet. Bad blowjobs are still blowjobs, mind you, and the stud helps a lot, but it doesn’t make up for lack of technique. And Dana had the true trifecta; the piercing, skill, and the fact that she actually enjoyed sucking dick.

Doesn’t that piss you off? Girl talks about how she likes sucking dick, but when you get right down to the nitty gritty, she gives you a couple licks and if you don’t pop off in two minutes she never puts her lips on you again? That’s only slightly worse than the ones who only lick and kiss. That’s not a blowjob. It’s a handjobbwith tongue. I want my cock in your throat, I want to hear you gag, I want to feel your spit soaking my balls. Well, not you, of course. Well not specifically you, but you do have a pretty mouth. And nice eyes.

No, I really don’t care what my partner has in their pants if they have a pretty face and enjoy being on the receiving end of a good fucking or can suck a decent dick. Fuck, back in my college days I used to hang out with a guy named Bob. He was a delicate little thing. I won’t say he was girly but he was definitely effeminate. Well one weekend we went up to Dormont to see the midnight showing of Rocky Horror, and Bob dressed in drag. We got a little drunk that night and ended up making out and… well, going forward he was Bobbi on the weekends and she had the tightest ass it’s ever been my pleasure to destroy. I’ve kinda had a thing for trans girls and crossdressers ever since. Amazing how some experiences are so formative.

The story? Oh yeah. Anyway Reina? Yeah it was Reina. We ended up leaving and taking a walk, thinking maybe we’d head here to Builder’s and do some karaoke, but after a couple blocks she was hungry so we stopped into VIP for a slice and a couple more brews. And there was this guy there who was carrying around a life-sized wooden cross, just sitting at the bar and drinking tomato juice. I know it wasn’t a Bloody Mary because I asked the bartender. Takes all kinds I guess.

I ever tell you about the time I ended up fucking in the choir loft at church? I only bring this up because of the cross. Now I haven’t been a believer since before high school, but there was this girl. She was my housemate’s fiancé. Cindy was this thin, intense brunette and she suffered a panic attack the day before her finals at Slippery Rock University, so because her man Joe had to work the next day and I was between jobs, I drove her up there, and just generally hung out for the day. Turns out that that kinda road-trip builds a bond a lot tighter than you’d expect and when her day ended she went in to kiss my cheek by way of thank you just as I was turning my head, and we ended up locking lips. At least that’s how I remember it. She really liked getting spanked.

Oh, yeah. I joined a church choir so we could get some time away from Joe. While we were practicing for midnight mass for Christmas we ended up staying late and hooking up in the choir loft. Church pews are really uncomfortable to fuck on. Turns out I wasn’t the only one she ended up cheating on Joe with, and after we stopped screwing around she got pregnant by the choir director and her and Joe split up two months before the wedding. Joe ended up marrying Jess, yeah my ex Jess, about three years later. We always did have the same taste in women.

Ok! Ok already. I’ll get back to the story. But I’m gonna need another beer.