How to Steak Uith Kodolds

John stood over the deceased creature in silence, his chest heaving with each breath. It was a disgusting sight, sprawled on the ground over a huge blood spatter, its head caved in by the stone. Small bits of it had shot out in all directions, fragments of bone, blobs of brain matter, even an intact eyeball that had bounced against John’s shoe. It was horrid, and yet in that moment John felt nothing but the slowly receding adrenaline rush.

-
<Loot>
1x Kobold Eye
1x Kobold Fang
2x Kobold scale

Activate Autoloot? <Yes/No>
-

Of course activate autoloot! What are you, stupid?

John’s entirely mundane, automatic reaction to the pop-up shook him from his trance. His legs were sore, his neck hurt, and his arms burned, but the pain was nowhere near what it had been moments ago. He raised his hands and found that, instead of the blood soaked rags of skin he expected, his forearms were almost completely fine. The only evidence of the damage his opponent had done were a series of small lacerations, not even bleeding, as if he had picked up a stray cat in a foul mood.

Gamer’s Body at work, I guess. Wow.

Feeling the back of his neck revealed the same sort of result, as far as he could tell by touch. It looked like Gamer’s Body healed his wounds to a mostly superficial state shortly after receiving them. His HP was at the same level, so it wasn’t life saving, but it did mean he could continue to fight in peak condition so long as he had even one HP and the stamina to endure it.

Which, speaking of, he had precious little. Without his body in full survival mode, he was feeling the full effects of all the physical exertion. Just one frantic fight and he was as winded as he got when running laps in P.E. He seemed to be recovering from it faster at least. Running laps always had him collapsed on the ground, gasping for air like a fish out of water for at least five minutes. He was still standing now, so that was a good sign.

He finally dismissed the loot window while staring back down at his fallen enemy, activating autoloot in the process. He watched parts of it disappear in a quickly vanishing purple smoke. The eyeball, a fang, and some scales all vanished, exactly as the loot window had described. The colors of the body immediately began to desaturate, probably an indicator that he had already looted the corpse.

“Sorry, buddy,” John said as he nudged the body with his toe. “But, uh, you did try to kill me too. I mean, I did attack you first, but you weren’t really standing on moral high ground. Also, you’re not real, so go fuck yourself, I guess.”

With his conscience sated, John was reminded of the bound victim he had been trying to free earlier. He turned around to where he had last seen them and saw it pointing a shaking finger in his direction as a Greensmoke Guard ran his way.

Fight-or-flight kicked in again as John braced himself for the worst. He got the jump on the last guy, but if it came to a fight this time, he was at a serious disadvantage. His eyes darted around in search of an object he could wield or places he could escape to while his mind raced to determine which of the two he should do. He failed to decide by the time the guard closed in.

It hesitated at the border between shade and sun, but only for a moment before shielding its eyes, gritting it’s plentiful fangs, and stepping into the light. It was clear that the creature was no fan of the sun, but it wasn’t nearly as affected by it as the now deceased Black Claw had been. It also didn’t seem to be so aggressive as when John had first seen it, now using its spear more as a walking stick to guide its path than as a weapon. John’s uncertainty derailed his floundering plans.

On arrival, the Kobold did not look John in the eye, to avoid looking at the bright sky above. Instead, it cautiously sniffed at him and tilted its head in curiosity, similar to how a dog might. It gave John a few experimental pokes with the back end of its spear.

“Watch it!” John pulled his leg away in alarm.

The guard seemed just as startled by John’s reaction as he was by the sudden jabs. It hopped backwards and growled, but, sensing no movement, resumed exploring. Upon its return, the Kobold stepped on a stray bit of flesh from the corpse nearby, and John could see it grimace in realization. Nonetheless, it lifted its foot and sniffed. He followed the scent to the Black Claw corpse and sniffed again, prodding it in much the same way as it had John. This time it perked up with a yelping noise. Without warning, it whacked John’s knees with the shaft of its spear.

“Hey! What’d I do to you?” John shouted in protest. However, his muscles didn’t even have the time to tense up for a fight before the little lizard scampered back off to the shadows, chittering all the way. John stared at in in abject confusion.

The Kobold stopped again once safely in the shadows and looked back at John. It started hopping up and down, gesturing frantically for him to follow. He shrugged and did so.

Once he had caught up to the two Kobolds, he was finally able to get a close look at them. They each stood somewhere just above three feet in height, covered in scales and crude garments of plain leather. As with an ordinary reptile, the scales on their front sides were much larger, smoother, and paler in color, extending all the way down the bottom of their stubby tails. Each hand and foot ended in four digits, which themselves ended in curved claws, and their elongated snouts were full of jagged teeth. It led John to wonder just how bad it would have been had the Black Claw succeeded in clamping down on his neck. With a shudder, he decided to not think about it.

The differences between the two were distinct, however, even to a human unfamiliar with their kind. Where the once victim had large, segmented fins on their head behind where John assumed their ears were, the other had a ridge of short, bony protrusions running down its skull and spine. While both had horns, the spear-wielding guard’s were noticeably longer and less curved, though both looked sharp enough to break skin. Lastly, the spiny one seemed overall stockier, save one feature, where it was plainly outmatched by the other’s disproportionately large hips.

Male and female, I guess.

John followed them both a short while, the male supporting the female, until they reached the outskirts of the encampment he had seen earlier. Bloodstains still painted the ground underfoot, but the bodies were already mostly cleaned up, and John could see why. The central fire had grown into a blaze, consuming the dead tossed into it by the survivors. John noticed that the Black Claw corpses were not thrown into this fire but another set on the far end of the camp, out past the rudimentary gate. Either way, the stench of burning flesh permeated the air of the camp with its sickening, almost metallic musk.

He was led to a large tent, the closest to the main fire and most ornately decorated, covered in constructions of bone and feathers in what John assumed the Kobolds considered art.The few he passed showed no signs of aggression, they barely even gave him more than confused glances. Most seemed to be gone now that the cleanup was ending, retreating to their tiny homes. Still not sure what to think, John continued to follow. The guard opened the tent’s main flap and hurried John inside.

A new scent smacked John in the face the moment he entered the room. It was a heady, damp, and pungent **** on his senses that nearly choked him with its sudden strength. The source was no secret; all around the interior perimeter of the tent were pairs of Kobolds furiously rutting. John saw demonstrations of at least a dozen different positions he recognized and several more that he did not in their frenzied orgy. Dominating the room, however, was the largest Kobold John had seen by far, seated directly opposite the entryway. He was nearly human sized in height but many times more in breadth. More fat than muscle, he more closely resembled a toad than a lizard.

-
Yoksazza
Level 5 Kobold Champion
<Greensmoke Chief>
As the tribe’s most virile male, this Kobold holds the title of chieftain so long as he can continue to produce progeny.
-

And produce progeny he did. Currently bouncing on his lap was one of the significantly smaller female Kobolds, impaled by the chieftain’s sizable cock. Her face looked as if there were no lights on upstairs, tongue hanging out of her mouth and drooling, yet she continued to pump herself up and down on the too large shaft unassisted. John watched with all the fascination of witnessing a train wreck as the chieftain suddenly grabbed his mate and held her down onto himself with a grunt. He could swear the female’s pelvis swelled while she spasmed and screeched. Eventually, cum gushed from beneath her legs as the chief lifted her off his still hard organ and deposited her carelessly to the side. She landed amidst a pile of similarly fucked silly females, each one dripping semen from their crotchs.

John was upset with his own half-erect dick.

No! Bad penis, stop that!

A new female approached, hopping with eager glee to climb onto the chief, but he held her back with one meaty hand. She looked confused, then dejected, then annoyed as all eyes finally trained on the elephant in the room, John.

“A Hunan,” the chieftain croaked. His voice was deep and throaty.

“I’m sorry?” John looked around, still nervous. It didn’t make him feel better when he noticed that an armed guard stood at each support structure of the tent, claws tightly gripping their spears.

“You are a Hunan,” the lead Kobold repeated. He shifted in his seat, which caused his cum-coated erection to wobble proudly before him. The waiting female stared at it in anticipation while John tried his best to not see it at all.

“Hunan? Oh, you mean Human? Yeah, I’m a Human.” John said with a sheepish wave. “Uh… hi?”

“Uhy you cone here?” The chief asked. John realized he didn’t have an answer that would satisfy most humans, let alone a tribe of lizard people.

“I, well… I-” he began, only to be cut off by the insistent chittering of the guard who led him to the tent.

The guard barked, hissed, and chattered in a language John could not hope to understand. He gestured wildly at the human, pantomiming what John realized was a rendition of his fight with the Black Claw raider. The chief watched and listened as the guardsman finished with the drop of an imaginary stone, complete with squishing sound effects. The smaller male, done with his presentation, stepped back while the rotund leader scrutinized John with his slitted eyes.

“You cone to kill Dlack Clau, Hunan? Uhy you do this?” it asked after several uncomfortable moments.

It took John a few seconds to answer. Not just because he still didn’t know what lie to tell, but also because the Kobold’s English was hard to understand. He realized that without human lips, there were certain syllables the chieftain was unable to say, which explained his weird manner of speech.

“I just…” John began, looking at his feet. “I saw the attack. I watched them kill and kidnap your people. It was awful. When I saw one dragging someone away... uh, her, actually.”

John turned to gesture towards where he last saw the female Kobold he’d rescued. He found her on the ground being mercilessly pounded from behind by the guard who had just vouched for him, not even five feet away from him.

Okaaaaayyy…

“Um, right, anyway.” John swallowed and looked back to the chief. “I saw the, uh, Black Claw taking her and I just had to stop it.”

“Dut uhy?” Yoksazza pressed. “Hunan no care adout Kodold.”

“I dunno, I wasn’t really thinking about it,” John answered, feeling confident in his honesty. “I hated seeing it, so I stopped it.”

Yoksazza leaned back and narrowed his eyes, never taking them off John. He folded his arms and let out a contemplative grunt.

“Uhat is your nane, Hunan?” He asked.

“Uh, John, sir.”

“Uhjonser,” Yoksazza repeated. “Uhjonser is thriend oth Greensnoke.”

“Wait, no, it’s just Joh-” John began to protest, but a harsh look from Yoksazza let him know he’d spoken out of turn, “...nevermind.”

“Uhjonser, Yoksazza uelcones you here. Eat Greensnoke thood, drink Greensnoke drink. Take Greensnoke thenale, nate, nayde nake strong Hunan-Kodold dadies.” Yoksazza’s toothy maw pulled into a smile as he laughed from deep in his belly.

Whichever Kobolds present who weren’t currently busy fucking laughed along with their chief. It took John a while to parse Yoksazza’s words together, but by the time he did, he found the entire room staring at him in disapproval. Already hot in the cheeks, John did his best to laugh awkwardly along, which seemed to satisfy the crowd.

Pull yourself together, moron. This is a game, play it like the Gamer you supposedly are.

John shook out his anxieties and straightened his back before speaking again, trying to emulate some manner of confidence.

“Honored chief, thank you for the kind gesture,” he began. “But if I may ask, why all the, uh, mating? What about fighting back?”

“No.” Yoksazza shook his head, and several chins, at John’s words. “Ue not strong enouth to thight dack, only lose nore. Ue retotulate, nake nore dadies, reduild.”

As if in demonstration, the chieftain lifted the unexpecting female at his side, whose eyes lit up with excitement. He unceremoniously speared her onto his cock, eliciting a sound from the girl John hoped he might never hear again, and let her get to work milking him for seed.

John did his best to suppress his cringe and urge to back away.

“But why do they attack you and take your people?” he asked instead, trying to remain on task.

“Dlack Clau no hath nany thenales, take Greensnoke thenales to nate, nake dadies. Ue try to trotect, dut they are too strong,” Yoksazza replied. Apparently discontent with his mate’s work, he gave her a firm swat on the ass, and she picked up her already intense pace.

John paused to think.

I know I said I would do the easier quest, and I know finishing the quest is probably my only way out of here, but I can’t kill these guys. I don’t care if none of this is actually real, I can’t do it.

John always did have a tough time picking mean dialogue options in games.

“Chief Yoksazza, what if I fought them?” he asked.

The room fell (mostly) silent as the Kobold leader stopped mid ejaculation and stared at John with an incredulous look. He sat there unmoving, even as the female he held on his cock writhed in euphoria while she was pumped full of Yoksazza’s cum well beyond the point of reason.

“Uhat you say?”

John swallowed and took a step forward. It was time to be the hero he always wished he could be.

“I’ll fight them,” he said. “I’m big and strong. I beat one of the Black Claw unarmed; I bet I could take on ten or more at once with a solid weapon in my hands. I’ll challenge their chief and kill him so he stops giving your people so much trouble.”

John had no intention of facing the chieftain in a fair fight, let alone trying to fight 10 Kobolds at the same time. If Yoksazza was any indication of what to expect from the Black Claw chief, John was going to have to fight dirty as hell. But he’d cross that bridge when he got there; for now he had to convince the Greensmoke to lend him weapons.

“Uhjonser not know uhat he says,” Yoksazza replied, lifting his spent partner from his lap and depositing her on the floor with the others.

“I do know, I can do it,” John said. “I’ll go alone. Worst case scenario I die and you guys lose nothing. Best case you don’t have to fight so much anymore.”

The rotund chieftain reclined and groaned in apparent contemplation. The copious fornication surrounding John had yet to restart, and he suddenly felt extremely **** in the quiet tent.

“Uhy?” Yoksazza finally asked.

“I’m sorry?”

“Uhy you do this?” the Kobold repeated. “Uhjonser is right, Greensnoke hath nothing to lose, dut uhy you helt us?”

“Uhh…” John struggled to come up with an answer that would satisfy. He figured doing this kind of thing sheerly from the goodness in his heart wouldn’t fit the bill. He needed something that Kobolds would appreciate, a motivation they would believe. He looked around the room at a loss, and there found his answer.

“Because if there are no Black Claws, there will be more sexy Greensmoke babes to fuck?” he said, entirely unconvincingly.

Yoksazza considered for a moment. A wide smile slowly crept across his mouth before he erupted into a bellowing, knee-slapping laughter. The rest of the room laughed in unison.

“Yoksazza likes Uhjonser! You good Hunan, understand Kodold!” the chieftain shouted. “Dring dack Dlack Clau head, and Uhjonser can thuck ethery Greensnoke thenale here! Tuiice! Ue share ethen, do doth sides!”

Cheers surrounded John from all sides as he put on the most **** smile of his life.

“Yaaaay…”