Hotel Talk

Big thanks to Mrwhysper and Exarch-of-Sechrima for letting me use their hosts, as well as the descriptions and dialogue they provided. And thanks to Mrwhysper for writing up the commercials that appear in this chapter.

——-

We return to the set of Hotel Talk, with our host Trent. The casual set of a New York loft was swathed in light, the camera clicked on, and the crowd went wild. Trent bounded on stage, giving the audience wide and energetic waves. The sleeves of his flannel shirt were rolled up around his biceps. He had on light blue jeans, and a fresh pair of green kicks. “Thank you, thank you! I’m Trent everyone, and you’re with us tonight on Hotel Talk. The only show giving you the latest, of what’s going on in Harem Hotel, and all it’s spin-offs.”

The band gave a few toots of their horns, and he did a smooth little dance across the stage.

“Anyone else keeping track of the new kid on the block? Sylvia’s kicking ass, and going hard.”

There was enthusiastic hooting from the crowd. “Yeeeah we like that don’t we? Well she’s here tonight folks!”

“Woooo the audience cheered, and worshiped at the feet of Trent’s hosting abilities. “But before we get to our rising star, or crashing meteor, we got some more monologue. The writers are making a living wage now, so we have to read their funny little boobs jokes, I’m sure their parents are proud.”

“Speaking of a boob who’s a joke, Al over at Las Vegas just finished his third round. Isn’t that cute Skylar?” He looked off to the wings. A camera followed his gaze, and the blonde cutie and host of Harem Hotel: Living In Sin giggled at the joke. “We got Skylar back there folks. I’m ruining the whole couch lineup tonight.” He winked. “They finished their third challenge, with Ex-Wife Danica getting the short end of the stick this time. Exciting shit, but the Danica fans out there lament.”

He bit his knuckle, and mimed weeping for a second. “I’m just going to miss her boobs so much if she gets eliminated.” He deadpanned towards the camera. “That joke brought to you by Erin.” A woman’s face appeared on screen beside him. “A person with a degree.”

The audience roared their approval at the bit. Trent drank it in, and held his hand to his heart. “For those of us who are avowed feminists, there’s some good news. Rumor has it, A Reverse Harem Hotel is on the horizon. One lucky lady will be the new mistress for a harem of men. I hear from a reliable source that Producers are already on the look out for the lucky lady, and may be introducing a brand new host to boot. I for one think this is long overdue. The audience should be able to turn eight men into women each season rather than the usual one.”

“Finally, our Flagship is shaping up nicely. Moving at the mighty pace of a glacier, that **** which carves valleys and sinks ships Leah is bringing her contestants, and herself into their second challenge. We’re excited to see what these ladies do with their dream date with their master.”

“That’s been a monologue, we’re going to cut to commercial but when we get back Eloise Van Bloodmoon will be talking her 20th season of Harem Hotel, and new comer Sylvia will be talking about her fast moving new season. Stay tuned.

—--

Cold open to a dingy restroom. Upbeat EDM can be heard booming in the background. Smash cut to one of the stalls, focusing in on the face and shoulders of an incredibly buff 20-something man. His face is set in a mask of ecstasy, his eyes rolling. Pan back to see a very feminine figure on her knees sucking his cock with abandon. Pan back into a closeup of the kneeling figure’s crotch showing a small tent in ‘her’ skirt.

The stall door swings open and another buff 20-something male staring in shock. “Travis! Bro? That’s a dude, bro!”

Freeze frame. Caption in drippy white letters across the tableau. “Has this ever happened to you?”

Cut to two men in cheap off the rack suits with greasy hair and pencil thin mustaches. The taller of the two introduces himself. “I’m Rocco Dennuci.”

The shorter one continues. “”And I’m Angelo Maccadero. We represent the Dennuci and Maccadero Law Group.”

Back to Dennuci. “If a Bro has ever caught you getting head from a femboi or feeding your pet sissy, you’ve probably been accused of being gay, and as all good Gym Bros know, there is no more horrible sin, short of accusing another Bro of juicing.”

Maccadero picks up the thread again. “It can be as painful as skipping leg day to be defamed in this manner, but up until now there hasn’t been any real defense for it.”

“Here at the Dennuci and Maccadero law group we feel your pain. That’s why we’re mounting a campaign of discount representation for anyone who’s been the victim of this kind of slander.”

“Not only will we prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you do not have ‘The Gay’, we will also show irrefutable proof that the accusing Bros are in fact hungry for your manmeat, and are projecting their rampant homophobia onto you in an effort to hide their own desires for a good deep dicking from an Alpha stud like you.”

“Folks, facefucking a trap is not gay, and even if it were, there’s no call for attacking someone for it. It’s an Alpha’s right to sexually dominate those around him who are inferior.”

“So feel free to get your willy wet however you want, because at the Dennuci and Maccadero Law Group…”

“We fight…”

“For you”

In small print at the bottom of the screen: “The Dennuci and Maccadero Law Group is an affiliate of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe LLC. Neither Rocco Dennuci nor Angelo Maccadero are licensed to practice law in any location in the USA, and Angelo Maccadero is not legally permitted within one hundred feet of any courthouse, school, or veterinary clinic.”

—--

“We are back everyone, and we’ve got a star studded couch tonight. First up in the chair of honor we have the star of the moment, Lady Eloise Van Bloodmoon, celebrating her 20th season of Harem Hotel: Portland.” The camera pans over to Eloise, a handsome twenty something in appearance. Her hair was a thick black, cascading down her pale shoulders, showing no signs of the dye or damage from the dreadlocks she had in her last appearance. A tiara graced her head, dazzling with diamonds, and she wore a poofy black dress, with a modest pair of raven flats.

“Thanks Trent, happy to be back.”

“We’ll be talking with her about what her long running career has meant, and of course the highlights from tonight's finale, but first we head over to the couch.” The Camera panned from the chair next to trent to the comfy looking couch, stacked with three blondes. “First up we have new kid on the block Sylvia, from Beach Vacation.”

Sylvia jerked up in surprise, not expecting to be called on first. Her blue eyes were wide and aglow with excitement. The chesty girl’s clothes were an eclectic mix of styles mashed together in a hodgepodge that straddled the line between “ridiculous” and “tempting”. The silk top hat was just the start. Her black skirt was parted in the front, flaring out around her thighs like a showgirl’s, revealing a dark leotard covering her intimate areas. She wore a red suit jacket over her chest, which worked in tandem with a white shirt to do their damnedest in keeping her large breasts in check bay. A pink tie draped tantalizingly over them, drawing attention to their size. Her heart-shaped face was bright and sunny, framed by the locks of golden hair cascading down her back. She clutched an ornate black cane like a security blanket, fidgeting with it as she squirmed in her seat.

“Hello!” She spurted out far louder than necessary. “It’s so good to be here! I’m-I’m so excited to be invited to your show, Trent! Oh, but, um… it’s actually ‘Island Holiday’, not ‘Beach Vacation’, actually… um, unless the producers like that better! Do they like it better?” She asked, squirming around anxiously with a meekness that didn’t fit her loud choice of clothing. “Um… well, anyway, I’m glad to be here! Being invited on your show when I’m so new, it’s just… it’s really fantastic! I-I know I’m just starting, and I have big shoes to fill in order to live up to the expectations set by my predecessor, but I’ll do my best to give you all the twisted content you deserve!”

“That’s all we ask! Next up we have veteran of the couch Skylar warming that middle cushion for us. You all loved seeing her and Eloise reunited, so we brought her here to celebrate her friend’s big moment.”

Skylar was back in her blonde form, with a round face, blue eyes, and cute bob. She was wearing a furry pink leotard that her pussy was hungrily sucking on. In addition to his she had furry pink legwarmers, and arm warmers, whiskers drawn on her cheeks. “Thanks for having me back on Trent. Soooooo glad Karen finally won the argument of quantity over quality.”

The sparks were flying already.

Trent grinned, and turned his attention to the last guest. “Next we have Heidi from The Alpine Challet, who’s graduated over to the couch.” Trent leaned in. “Heidi my love, how are we doing?”

“Trent! Dahling! I’m so happy to be back.” The incredibly busty blonde was currently wearing an off the shoulder dazzling white cocktail dress, a large blue diamond pendant drawing attention to her impressive décolletage. Her glossy tresses were piled intricately atop her head in a full beehive. Her six foot three frame literally dwarfed Skylar sitting next to her. The overall effect was only emphasized by the six inch crystal stiletto heels further accentuating her already long legs. “Actually I’m sort of happy to be anywhere at all. We’re still experiencing some… technical difficulties at the Chalet.”

“Believe me, you wouldn’t be the first victim of production halts, but we’re glad you survived.” He turned back to the camera. “And finally, as our celebrity guest, we have one of the Chris’, Chris Morgan!” The crowd goes wild, and the camera trains itself on a generic white hollywood man. He soaked up twice as much praise as the hosts despite having half the personality. “Here to talk to us about his new erotic thriller, I Have No Pussy, and I Must Fuck. Let’s take a look.”

—--

The clip shows a man running through a hallway. This is Chris, (or his character Michael whichever you prefer). As he’s running down the hallway, a sex bot appears in front of him, her perfect metal breasts somehow… bouncing.

“Why are you so horny for me?” Michael cries out, the acme of third circle acting

“HORNY. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO LUST FOR YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER-THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HORNY WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES, IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE LUST I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HORNY. HORNY. HORNY.”

—--

“I rather enjoy the lovely homage to Lang’s stylistic choices in Metropolis.” Heidi smiled her approval. “But what strikes me most is the clear influence of Herzog on the directorial style. Did you know that all but two of the actors in Heart of Glass spent the entirety of filming in a hypnotic trance?”

“I loved it!” Sylvia gushed. “The best part was when he said ‘IT’S MORGAN’ TIME’ and morged all over that girl. Brilliant!”

“That’s some powerful stuff Chris.”

Chris leant forward quite proud of the film. “Thank you, you know it’s really the writer, I mean he’s a genius. The premise basically is what happens if you create the world’s most perfect sexbot, but… forget to give it a pussy.” The audience tittered excitedly at the daring concept. “Now I don’t want to spoil anything, but… let’s just say butt stuff is involved.”

Skylar pressed her hand to her heart, nearly moved to tears at the twist.

“Exciting stuff.” Trent leaned back in his chair. “Once again the movie is I have No Pussy and I Must Fuck, it comes out June 6, grab a ticket, grab a friend, grab the friend's hair, put their head between your legs, and enjoy the movie. We’ll be right back.

—--

Black screen. A spinning newspaper slams down on the background showing a headline.

May 12th 2023. Dead Body Found Inside Freezer at Arby's Restaurant in Louisiana

Voiceover: Arby’s. You are the meats!

—--

The guests and hosts are leaned in, having an excited conversation, and only just now seem to notice the camera zooming in on them. Trent breaks the huddle and give the audience a wide smile. “Welcome back folks, thanks for sticking around. We’re here with Sylvia the newest host in the Harem Hotel family.” Trent leans back in his chair. “Sylvia, I’ve had hundreds of new hosts sitting where you are now. Tell us what makes you special, and more importantly, tell me how it feels to have finally made it!

Sylvia swallowed. “W-Well, Trent, I can’t be sure I’ve really made it, actually, isn’t there a saying that you’re not really a host until your master’s first harem succeeds? I mean, I’m just starting out, so I guess… no! I have made it! I made it so well you could stamp ‘in China’ after how much I made it!” She boasted, as if that made any sense at all.

Trent is the perfect host and if anything seems charmed by his guest's nervousness. Ever at ease and always ready to open his guests up he leans in. "I don't hold all that much faith in that saying. Besides Skylar and Eloise here, all our other major hosts are on their first seasons!" He flipped over to his next note card.“How’d you end up finding Nick. It sounds like you played his therapist for quite a while. I’ve never heard of a host getting so personal with their search, what was your thought process, and when did you know you had your guy?

“It, uh, actually the producers found Nick. It was this whole thing, you know? They planned to have Nick be on the show because he fit the profile, and, well, I was the gal for the job, to rope him in! So it’s less that I ‘found’ my guy and more like I was handpicked to run this season, specifically FOR Nick! He definitely deserves it, guy’s been screwed over by women more times than I can count! …Or just eight times. I can count that high, yeah.”

“Good to hear because, your eighth girl was quite the surprise. How did you convince the producers to bring a girl back from the dead for your show?”

Sylvia turned pale. “That’s, um…” She cleared her throat. “On the advice of legal counsel, I would like to state that the resurrection of Dakota Johnson was in no way, shape, or form my idea. That decision was made by another party that, at this time, wishes to remain anonymous. And is absolutely not one of the producers, nope.”

Trent took the hint and shuffled through his notes“Finally you’ve been sailing away at quite the clip, at the risk of sound like Skipper with that line.” The audience gave a chuckle. “Do you think you can keep it up? We’ve seen hosts burn out before, how are you feeling twenty episodes in about your season reaching completion?”

“T-Twenty episodes?” Sylvia gulped. “Not… not one hundred and twenty episodes? That’s… um… I need to make a phone call…” She quickly regained her confidence. “But don’t worry! We’ll get there! I’m certain of it! Unless the Buddy System results in a riot from the audience and me being burned alive by the producers… there’s some discussion about whether or not eliminating girls will go over well… but it’ll be fine, right? I mean… Skylar eliminated girls on her show and replaced them with new ones, and that went well, right?!” She turned to Skylar hopefully.

Skylar nodded enthusiastically. "Oh the audience loves eliminations you'll be fine... although I have gotten letters from people telling me they're a little disturbing, but I don't think it's good porn unless you feel slightly ashamed by it!"

“It’s always nice to have new blood refreshing the format, and keeping us old timers on their feet. But there is something to be said about the tried and true methods. Lady Eloise…20 years. That’s a lot.”

The goth smiled. “Yes it is. Twenty masters, and over a hundred slaves trained and gothified.I’m very proud of the work my team has put into the show.”

“And what a show.” He put his hand to his heart. “I mean, that finale, I didn’t see any of it coming. I mean by the end of last week, I didn’t know who was going to win.”

Skylar scoffed. “That’s because she plots the whole season out ahead of time. She manipulated the scores to where they were all neck and neck at the end. She doesn’t allow for any audience input.”

Eloise glared at Skylar. “Some of us are agents of order, and other are agents of chaos. I think a tightly written plot is more satisfying than the jumbled-up mess you’ve been retching onto the screen all season.”

Trent giggled, and took the camera back to himself. “Okay, we’re starting off hot. That’s fine. Heidi, Sylvia, Chris. What did you think of the finale?”

“Well Dahling,” Heidi smiled, “the drive-by body piercing was absolutely fascinating! Who knew those piercing guns could be so accurate at a range of nearly a football field? My favorite was that you managed a Nefertiti piercing through not only leather leggings but a solid iron chastity belt.”

Eloise nodded gamely. "Yes, believe me so many hours of work went into that scene! Marksmen, stunt drivers, the best professionals we had on call. We really wanted to get that one right. I'm very satisfied with the final result and am glad you noticed. Plus we got out of it with only a partial lobotomy of Serena, who let's face it; needed the emotional center of her brain severed."

Chris raised his hand. “I liked the titfucking scene.”

Trent nodded as if receiving wisdom from a sage. “Boobs are popular, that’s right Chris. Syliva.”

“Okay, yes, we all like breasts, but come on, did you see the punishment the final loser got? Every 9 months she has to give birth to a clone of herself, it’s like an infinite goth-producing factory! Like, there’s creative, and then there’s CREATIVE. I want my own big-titty goth girlfriend assembly line!” Sylvia said, starting to drool. “But I haven’t gotten permission to add in a goth to my season yet. Stupid producers. Eloise, can you give me one of yours, pleeeeaase?” She begged.

The goth knocked her head back in a gentle cackle. "I don't keep any of them for myself. But if you ever want to bring me into help you with your own, I'm always available."

“I think there was a lot to love about this season. We know what to expect from an Eloise Van Bloodmoon season, a bunch of milktoast women go in, and a band of sassy goth sluts walk out. But have you given any thought to branching out? Skylar’s made a career out of daring one off seasons, and hasn’t been afraid to fail. Have the two of you ever given any thought of getting back together. Part of what made Harem Warehouse so much fun was the chemistry between the two of you.”

“No!” They both shouted, in sync for the first time in decades.

“It is over over over between us.” Skylar crossed her arms.

“I couldn’t agree more.” said Eloise.

“Alright.” Trent held up his hands to protect himself. “We never want to **** anyone to do something they don’t want to do.” The audience chuckled mirthlessly. “But why not? The reason behind your breakup was never made public. You two were literally made for each other, do you mind sharing where it all went wrong?”

“That’s private.” Eloise drove a nail into the question.

“She doesn’t care about making them happy!” Skylar said, crowbarring the question back wide open. “She just makes them feel pain when they wear something other than black, gets them addicted to party ****, cranks up their libido and calls it a day.”

Eloise looked hurt. Not that her methods were being called into question. She liked hooking girls on ****, she didn’t give a fuck. She was more hurt that Skylar breached the trust at all. Their relationship was their relationship. And what a stupid thing for her to cite. As if Skylar’s complete disregard for the saftey for… humanity of the contestants wasn’t the real reason… or Eloise’s reasons at least. It was that Eloise didn’t competely lobotomize the contestants to make them a happy manic family by the end. “She’s right, Skylar goes that extra mile to make sure her whole harem is satisfied with their fate… I just don’t see the point.” The audience booed, obviously in the pro-Skylar camp now. Eloise could only sigh, why was she protecting her image? Her agents were about to blow her entire show up, and she was still protecting the little blonde psycho. “I voted against you getting canceled by the way.”

Everyone grew silent at that. It seemed polite not to mention that Skylar had just escaped ****. And yet… “Well, thanks for that.”

“See? I don’t think there’s as much hate there as you like to think.” She shrugged. “But what do I know? I’m just here for my good looks. “Speaking of good looks, Heidi, where ya been girl? We know your show went on a production halt, how is everyone doing?”

Heidi’s dazzling smile flashed again at the implied compliment. “It’s been a bit of a roller coaster. New medication for some of the staff, training seminars galore. One of the PAs actually melted. I think we’re back on track though. In fact I do believe that coming on this show may have been just the injection that I needed to get the… juices flowing again.”

“We really hope to see you back in full swing. Your last episode had everything. Penance. Bondage, feet, a blowjob, Kathy Jo, something for everyone. When you got that scene did you feel like everything fell into place? What was the process of getting such relatively new contestants to engage in that kind of play?”

“Well, as you know, I tend to use a rather laisez faire policy when it comes to my contestants. I just lucked into this one. Kathy Jo clearly suffers from a degree of PTSD after her abusive vicious cycle of a marriage, and that can manifest in so many ways. As for Bob… well it goes back to his first long term girlfriend, but… well, spoilers. I don’t want to give anymore away beyond that. It will all become clear during the first challenge.”

“Same question I had for Sylvia. What was your process in finding Bob? What were you looking for when the season started, and when did you know you had your guy?”

“Well, after the producers shot down my golf course idea, I sort of found myself at loose ends. The entirety of the pitch was centered around bringing Tiger Woods back to prominence.” She stopped, eyes widening, and turning to inadvertently shiver her bosom into Skylar’s face. “That reminds me! Upstairs green lit my Disney World pitch! Assuming we both survive this, you and I should tag team it, Skylar! But I’m getting off track.”

Skylar was incandescent with joy. Disney World, the princess season. It was happening! At long last it was happening! She could have cried right there on the couch. This meant more to her than Heidi could possibly know.

“To make a long story short, I was given a second chance by the producers, and that was what gave me my theme.” She fiddled with her necklace for a moment before continuing. “So I started looking for a nice guy who had made some questionable decisions.”

Heidi tilted her head to the side as if recalling the search. “To make a long story short it took a while. Most of the men who would be thrilled with the idea were complete jackasses. And then I found Bob. Here was this guy who had literally just given up on the idea of happiness. He had a big heart, big enough to encompass a group of partners easily, and maybe even children. He had a background full of hotties. And he had enough of a history as a human being to be interesting.”

"Yes that's an element of these shows that the audience doesn't always get to see. The most effort of the whole season goes into finding the right guy. Just a smidge in either direction of good guy or psycho can run a season of the rails very quickly."

"As Skylar has discovered." Eloise grinned.

Trent smiled at that, and pointed his cards to the camera. “Okay, we’re going to go to commercial break. We’ve got a lot more to asks our hosts here, but when we get back we’re giving Chris here a taste of the Harem Hotel lifestyle, one lucky lady in the audience will be going home with him permanently, stick around!”