Home Again

Driving up to your house you are relieved to see Fiona's car gone. At least you wouldn't have to deal with her. The lights were on inside though, so you knew your mother was there.

You park, grab your pack, read another text from Casey and shoot her back another one, then head to the door. Stepping through the front door you hear the television on in the nearby living room. You hear it get muted and your mother spring from the sofa.

"Jesse?" She calls.

You kick off you shoes and step around the corner. "Yeah, it's me."

She is on you in a flash, hugging you tight to her big soft body. "Oh my boy. It is so good to see you!" She hugs you with all her strength and gives you a big wet kiss to the cheek. You don't return the gesture, but you don't reject it either.

"There is some extra supper..."

"I already ate." You say tersely.

She strokes your cheek with a worried look. "What's going on Jesse? Why is Elsie staying at Peggy's house? She was awfully vague about it."

"She doesn't want to be here anymore." You state the truth. "She's happier there."

"Oh, that girl. What is this all about? She said she was upset. Because of Allison? I don't understand how that would affect her. I should go talk to her."

"Don't bother." You reply. "She's angry at Fiona. It is between them."

"Ohhh, I should have known. That big sister of yours is forever tormenting you two. Always messing things up she is." She nods as if she had made a decision. "I'll give Fiona a piece of my mind then go talk to Elsie tomorrow and..."

"She doesn't want to be here anymore." You say again in the same flat tone. "And neither do I."

Your mother's face goes dead serious. She looks up at you with her wide brown eyes. Those words hurt her deep, you could see that, but she held it together. Her voice is barely above a whisper. "Oh baby boy...you don't mean that."

"Yeah, yeah I do." You kiss her chubby cheek. "I love ya Mom, but you hurt me bad last night. Real bad. And...please...stop calling me a baby. I'm a man Mom. I wouldn't mind so much...but I know you mean it. I know you think I'm a baby."

She is quiet, fighting back her emotions. She steps away from you and nods. "Okay. You're angry. I can see that and I understand..."

"No, you don't." You sigh. "Mom...you fucked my girlfriend. How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? You're supposed to look out for me. Isn't that what family does for each other."

Your mother looks down to her feet like a chastised child. "Oh." She looks back up. "You said it was okay though."

"Yeah, I wasn't exactly thinking straight was I? I never should have had to answer that question. A mom should never ask her son that question."

She is quiet, you could see it took everything she had not to hug you again. She wanted to touch you, to stroke you, to make her baby feel better. "Jesse...she needed...something you couldn't give her. I thought I was helping. It was just sex."

"You're a better lover than me?" You ask her point blank.

"Jesse...stop."

"Are you? Did Allison think you were a better lover?"

"Um...well...yes but..."

"Well I think Peggy is a better mother than you." You knew this would cut deep...you didn't care. You were making a point.

Instant tears well up in her soulful eyes. If you had physically struck her it would have hurt less. She gasps. "My boy...don't say that!" She steps toward you to take you in her arms but you keep your distance.

"Hurts doesn't it? Fucking hurts right?"

"Jesse...what an awful thing to say to me." She sobs.

"Mom, did Dad ever cheat on you? Did you ever cheat on him?"

Your mother looks aghast and sniffles. "No! Of course not! We would never do that! But honey, we were married. He was my man and I was his woman. We were a couple." She wipes the tears from her cheeks.

"I'm a man Mom. Allison was my woman. We were a couple."

You could see...finally...you were getting through to her. "Allison was no good for you bab...Jesse. Don't let her come between us."

"It's not her Mom, it's you! I couldn't care less about Allison anymore."

Your mother's lip trembles, her fists clench and unclench, she didn't seem to know what to do with herself. "Jesse please. Tell me how to make it better. PLEASE. I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

You shake your head. "I don't know either Mom. I think it's going to take some time."

"I love you Jesse." She says through a shuddering breath.

"I love you too Mom."

She wipes more tears away. "I wish I knew...John always knew. He always knew what to say to you guys. He was such a good father. Such a good man. He'd know how to fix this."

You honestly couldn't remember much of him, he died when you were so young.

Your mother continues, her tears flowing freely. "If...If Fiona had of called the ambulance quicker...maybe...maybe he'd be here. Then he'd make all this alright. If she hadn't of...run all over...playing in the pool...squirting him with the hose..."

You are rocked on your heels and your eyes widen. "Mom...Fiona was seven years old! She did her best!"

"Yeah but...if she hadn't of messed around...maybe he'd still...be here." Your mother was breaking down before your eyes.

"Mom. She was alone, she did her best! Oh my god!" Jesus Christ! Your mother harbored blame for your father's **** on Fiona! That's fucked up!

She shakes her head. "I love you guys so much. I just wish...I could have had help."

You grab your mother's shoulder and look her square in the eye. "Why didn't you get Peg to help? She would have! She loves us kids as much as a mother. And she's lonely over there in that big house of hers. I am positive she would have helped."

"No, Jesse...you don't understand..."

You wipe your hand down your face in disbelief to what you were hearing. "She still loves you Mom! She told me so this very night."

"That's the problem!" She cries. "I love her too! This thing we do...this family thing...it's just about the sex honey. Family can't fall in love. We just can't!"

"Oh my god! So you just sit and pine for each other. Like that's healthy." You look to the ceiling then back down in frustration. "Fuck...it's not 'just sex' if you love each other! It's never 'just sex' Mom!"

"Jesse...sweetie...please don't be mad!" You could see she was beside herself and losing control. "Please...tell me what I need to do. I don't know what to do! I need to make this better Jesse! But I don't know how! I...I won't ever...touch a friend of yours..."

"No you won't." You state matter-of-factly.

"Please honey...don't be mad."

You drop your head and let out a long sigh. "Mom. I am exhausted and I am going to bed."

She pouts, tears flowing like rivers down her cherubic cheeks. After a moment you step forward and hug her. She throws her arms around you and buries her face in your chest. Heavy sobs heave from her hunched body. Her tears wet your chest through your shirt. You stroke her hair and her back. You kiss her on the top of the head. You were mad at her, you were appalled by what you had learned...but by god you loved her. You simply didn't have the energy to deal with this tonight and you couldn't leave her like this.

You let her cry for a few minutes. You comfort her. Stroking her gently. Holding her like your father might have once upon a time. As messed up as everything was, some part of you felt glad that you could comfort your mother like this. After she had done so for you so many times growing up.

Finally you carefully push her away. "I'm going to bed now. We'll figure this out later."

Taking the edge of her shirt she dabs the tears from her eyes. She sniffles and nods her understanding. "Okay...okay." She looks up at you with hurt, confused, and **** eyes. "I love you Jesse."

You nod. "I know. Good night Mom."

"Good night my...my young man." She replies in a fragile voice.

The exhaustion in your body and soul hit you again tenfold. On weary limbs you slowly ascend the stairs and make the turn into your room. Allison's bra still lay on the floor by the door. You ignore it. Closing the door you take a few steps then fall forward onto your bed. Despite the drama from a moment ago your weariness soon claims you and you drift off to sleep.