Head over Heart

You stare out your bedroom window. It looks out over the backyard. Your vision blurs and suddenly it is twelve years ago. You watch as Fiona chases Elsie around the yard with the garden hose. Fiona is laughing and Elsie is shrieking at the cold water being sprayed on her. El runs to you, hiding behind you, coming to you for protection. You do your best but in the end both you and she end up soaked to the bone with frigid water. You are both laughing like mad and sprinting into the house, away from Fiona and her menacing hose. Your mother yells at the pair of you for tracking so much water through her clean house. Once more you spring to Elsie's defense, trying to explain the situation. Your mother doesn't want to hear it, she just wants dry floors and she chases the giggling pair of you up into your rooms. You see Elsie's joyful six year old face as you split up in the hallway to go to your separate rooms. So much joy, so much love...sibling love. She was family. Family!

This was always doomed. It just isn't how life works.

You take a deep breath. You were Elsie's big brother damn it. It was your job to protect her, support her, be there for her, help guide her, be her friend through good times and bad. Your future with her was as family, not as lover, not as partner. You would encourage her, help her, be an uncle to her kids...you would walk her down the aisle when it was time to give her away. Her long term romantic happiness wasn't yours to give her. She was foolish to feel this way about you. And you were a fool for even considering it for a second, you had to be strong for both of you. It was time to end this, before it went too far. This would end now, now and forever. You needed to do this for her own good.

You steel yourself.

You turn away from the window. You stride purposefully through your room, through your door, across the hall...and you pause at her door. Whew, this was tough.

You knock.

After a moment she slowly opens the door, she knew who was there. Her room was messy and she had the radio on at a low volume. When she sees you she gets the prettiest little smile. She blushes slightly and nervously runs her fingers to tuck her hair up behind her right ear. She looks up at you with her rich mahogany eyes. After the kiss in the hallway...she was very happy to see you. She thought this was the beginning of something special.

The way she was looking at you...the unfiltered love light in her eyes...those entrancing eyes...she wasn't looking at you like a brother anymore. You almost waver.

Her smile widens. "Hi Jesse." She says softly.

"Elsie." You say, you hesitate. You remind yourself this was for the best, this was for her, this was for you. "Elsie, that kiss..."

She lets out a happy little sigh. "It was wonderful...you were wonderful..."

You cut her off, your voice harder and sterner than you mean it to be. "It was a mistake." You see her face fall. "Elsie, this procedure I've had, I'm not acting myself right now. I'm having trouble controlling myself."

She tries to talk. "But it was..."

You cut in again, you didn't want to stop now that you'd started. "I was just wanting sex again, that's it. That is ALL it was Elsie."

She shakes her head. "No Jesse, I saw..."

"Elsie...I don't love you. Not like that. I'm not in love with you. I never could be." You watch as her heart shatters before your eyes. Tears fill those big beautiful eyes. Her pretty perfect face breaks down, her plump bottom lip begins to tremble. "Elsie, you are my little sister and my very best friend. But...that's all it can ever be. Do you understand?"

She doesn't answer, her head drops as she looks down at the floor. She sniffles, fat tears begin to stream down her cheeks eventually falling to the floor. You go to hug her but she takes a step back away from you. Standing there she looks so fragile, so alone. After all that had happened this past day she can't even pretend to hold it in. She weeps.

With great effort she lets out a sobbing gasp. "...please...leave...I need to be alone...right now..."

You reach out and give her a friendly squeeze to her shoulder, it's as close as you could get to her right now. "We'll talk later, okay Elsie. This is for the best. Trust me." You assure her, though the words sounded so empty even to your ears.

She turns away from you and buries her face in her hands. Her shoulders heave as she begins to openly sob. Her stupid foolish dream of a life with you gone, her secret love smashed to pieces. You back out of the room and quietly close the door.

It was for the best. This was for the best for both of you. Now you could focus on Allison. Now you could do your job as a big brother and help Elsie get back at Fiona. Now you could really enjoy your new body. El would soon be a normal girl, she would find a nice boy, she would soon get over you. The pair of you would look back and laugh at her silly puppy love for you. You tell yourself all of these things.

You felt awful, but you only had a hint of the real impact. Deep within you, in the hidden depths of your soul, a bright flickering little flame is extinguished. Snuffed out forever. That little pocket of your heart replaced by a cold empty void.