Hand out newspapers!

{if Newspaper >= 1}The way that newspapers work on the island here, since it's only one city's worth of news, is that every day they re-release the previous day's newspaper with the new day's stuff added in. Every time they fill a new page they remove the oldest one, to keep the whole thing at 45 pages constantly. In other words, the paper's pretty similar to last time, but with a bit of new stuff, and they probably won't pay you to hand any more out for a while. People kind of.... stop buying, around this time, until enough of the pages are new.{else}You're not the best with money, but you've watched enough TV to know about weekend jobs! The monsters that stole the entire island (except for this city of Kokkinport) from humankind have kind of stunted human technological and social advancement. Lucky for you! It means that there's still physical newspapers to be handed out!

You're paired up with a crier to get people's attention, but you're the one carrying the huge pile of newspapers. You've never read a newspaper before! Some time into the day, you've hit a slow spot, so why not have a flick through as you walk around?{endif}

Nothing in the paper really catches your eye{if Whore>= 3} at first. But then, you notice something, tucked away in the trashy story section.... "Customers complain about being fucked 'too hard' by local whore.". Well, you don't deny it~. This city turned you into a fuck machine, so if that weak-ass pansy didn't want to be fucked so hard, then he shouldn't have been so weak to begin with.{endif}. There's a story a couple of pages in about some lovey-dovey celebrity couple with a baby on the way{if RobberCaught = 1}, a story about a bank robber being apprehended and let out on bail-- hey, you did that! ....They let him out?{else}.{endif}{if RobberCaught=0} Oh, here's one about a bank getting robbed! Oh. Uh, skip.{endif}{if SexToy = 1} There's something about some girl named Tiffany being found facedown in an alleyway, panties missing and plastered with cum. She looks pretty happy in the photo... anyway, she's decided not to have the police look into it.{endif}{if Wrestle > 0} Some top-notch wrestler was found partying too hard and joining in at the strip club. Pink Pincer's her name -- some famous lady from the mainland who came here for an island circuit. Anyway, she got really drunk and ended up getting -- this is kind of dirty, but it's what the paper says -- 'fucked into oblivion'. She went missing for two days, now she can't get her tongue back into her mouth or stop babbling mindlessly about sex and cock. Woah.{endif}{if Wrestle = 1} They think she lost it after losing the match she'd been preparing for against... the Bombardier! Hey, you know her! Yeah, she's really hard.... poor Pink Pincer.....{endif}{if Wrestle = 2} The paper says she wasn't satisfied with her tied match against the Champion that she'd been hardening her body for and preparing for for months. You know the Champion! Yeah, she's hard. Funnily enough, you had a tied match against her too, just like this lady.{endif}{if Wrestle = 3} They think she was celebrating her victory over the Bombardier, and her new title of Champion, and went a bit overboard. Aw, poor Bombardier, being undefeated and then losing twice so close together.... wait, how come she got to be the Champion and not you? That doesn't seem fair.{endif}{if FireFighter > 0}

{if FireFighter == 1}Hmmmm.... anything else? Oh! Yeah, there is! You straighten up your posture and hold the newspaper with both hands, because this is totally your moment. In a small box on the side of one of the pages is the story of the fire at Mitogolli's Pizzeria, and the title says -- get this -- "Local Hero Debbie Assists Firefighters". That's you! You're a local hero!

Bits from your interview with the news reporter are listed in the article, but since you already know what the Local Hero answered to the questions (because, again, is you), you're more focused on the pictures. Which you normally would be anyway. But this time, you're very pleased and smiley to report -- the big pillar of smoke is in one of the photos, captured forever. That's so great! And your name is right next to where it's been immortalised. Heck yeah.{elseif FireFighter == 2}Let's see, anything else.... no, it doesn't- oh, wait! There is something! There's an article near the back about some place called Mitogolli's Pizzeria, which had a kitchen fire earlier in the week. Let's see, suspected to be caused by a gang associated with a rival restaurant, put out without anybody being injured, expected to be up and running again relatively soon, blah blah blah.... oh, there it is!

You straighten your posture and hold up the paper to your face, wearing a broad smile, to admire the picture of the smokey pillar posted at the end of the article. Ah.... you might not've got to see it in person, but the picture of it is still totally beautiful. You admire it a bit longer, before lowering the paper again with spirits much higher than they were just a second ago (which was still pretty high).{endif}{endif}

Other than that, the paper's not of much interest to you.