H.E.R.B.I.E. has Analyzed the Sample

Daylight brought a sense of physical well-being that made Susan Storm all the more ashamed for what she had felt and done last night. The fever had broken, and while Sue still felt weak, and her left leg still ached, the overpowering need that had driven her to such mindless self-indulgence seemed to have passed. She lay languidly in bed as she tried to analyze her feelings as the dawn broke over Manhattan—but it was no good. She had too much energy, was too restless to go back to sleep.

So the Invisible Woman slid back into a swimsuit and hobbled to the wave pool for an early morning workout. The warm water felt good on her skin, and though her leg ached as she pushed against the gentle current, Sue appreciated the way her muscles responded. Burned away the last lingering heat and replaced it with good, clean exhaustion that comes from more wholesome exercise than fingering herself until she passed out.

When Sue finished her set in the pool, she felt shakier than ever—and was glad to see H.E.R.B.I.E. there, with a tall frothy glass of some milk-like substance.

"Mrs. Richards. You need vital nutrients. Please drink this," the little robot said.

Sue nodded and took the glass from him. It was already to her lips before she noticed the odd, familiar smell. The thickness of it surprised her, like a double-thick milkshake, or a soft pudding. Then the taste, a bit like milk but chalkier, saltier, with a bitter undercurrent. Something about it caught at Sue and held her. She gulped it down, swallowed mouthful after mouthful, tipped the glass until the last gooey, sticky traces felt into her mouth and down her esophagus.

"Damn," she swore. "H.E.R.B.I.E., what was that? It was so good!"

The robot paused and buzzed.

"A protein shake tailored to your new dietary needs," the robot said.

The Invisible Woman blinked and looked down at the robot.

"New dietary needs? Explain."

"Analysis of the sample from Porkum's package was completed in the early hours of the morning," H.E.R.B.I.E. said. "Analysis indicated multiple unknown biohazardous substances, along with the presence of human sperm cells and seminal fluids from unknown individual confirmed. Quick DNA sequencing suggests the individual is an unknown mutant. Similarity in seminal fluid compounds noted to Class A bio-threats: Mandrill, Purple Man. In the absence of Reed Richards, emergency contact was established with databases of Tony Stark, Dr. Hank McCoy, and Dr. Hank Pym, in accordance with the MacReady-Carpenter Protocol. High probability of physical addiction. High probability of retroviral activity. High probability of bonding to and changes to neural activity, in accordance with your actions last night."

Sue blushed as she realized that H.E.R.B.I.E. had been aware of her little masturbation session—and not just that, but had relayed the information to others!

"Several probability models indicated you were already addicted to the biohazardous substances. Withdrawal would be deleterious to your physical and mental state. Solution: proteins were extracted from the remaining sample material, denatured, and processed to assuage withdrawal symptoms until more permanent solution can be found."

The Invisible Woman stared down at the empty glass as she processed what the robot had just told her.

"You made me a protein shake from cum," Sue said. "And I'm supposed to drink it like a heroin addict drinks methadone?"

"Affirmative," H.E.R.B.I.E. said.

Sue Storm placed a hand on her stomach. She felt like she'd just had a full meal.

"How many calories is in that stuff, anyway?"

"Approximately 2,500 calories per dose," H.E.R.B.I.E. reported.

"Jesus," Sue shook her head. "I'd gain weight slower if I just binged on the chocolates. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

"Affirmative," H.E.R.B.I.E. replied.

Then the robot dropped the bombshell that would change Sue Storm's life forever.