Gus (M) - The Ultima Orc

“Hey kid. It’s me, God,” said the old man, “No-no, you don’t need to ask anything. Here, allow me.”

God tapped your forehead and you instantly knew what the deal was. You’re dead and this is the good ol isekai-shzkai schtick or whatever.

“Okay, you know the drill,” said God, “Chop-chop, I don’t have all day. What will it be?”

“Uhhh…” you said.

“Uuuhhhhhhh~” said God. “That’s you. That’s what you sound like.”

“Ummmmm…” you said.

“Holy shit, just pick a cheat already you numbskull.” God exclaimed. “Fuck! I dunno why the System keeps picking you idiots. You guys are like the lamest thing ever. I mean, by truck? Really?! Oooooh look at me! My generation can’t take our eyes off of our phones, not even to cross the fucking street! Fuck! What waste of a reincarnation cycle. These privileges don’t grow on trees okay?”

You decided it was best to shut up.

“Come on already. What do ya want? Super strength? Super speed? Super smarts? Super farts?” Asked God.

You blinked at God.

“No? Not attribute cheats? How about a skill? No? Oh I know. You can have one of those character classes. Knight, Paladin, Wizard and whatnot. They are like complete packages of attributes and skills. But you’ll get the cheat versions, naturally. Let’s see, we have Infernal Knight…”

You winced.

“Too edgy? Pffft. Whatever. How about Omni Sage Wizard? What’s that? Too geeky? Jesus F Christ, you’re a picky one aren’t you? Okay forget classes, maybe a cheat race is more up your alley. How about being a Black Dragon? What the fuck? What do you mean you don’t want to get shot by cops? Okay, a Gold Phoenix then? What do you mean you don’t smoke? Here, how about a Giant Cthulhu then? That’s practically a minor god!”

You looked down at your toes and fidget.

“Oh I see. You only want humanoid races don’t you? You fucking racist. Fuck! Fine. How about an Adamic Human? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HUMANS ARE BORING!? Look either pick something right now, or I send you to your next life as a shit eating worm!”

“Uhhhhhh….” You said.

“There you go again, uhhhhh, duuuuhhhh, guuuhhhhhh. You sound like a fucking orc getting high on Jilweed. Hey I know! How about an orc? You’ve already got the language down perfectly anyways, HAHAHAHAHA. Let’s see, we have Grand Orc, Prime Orc, Super Orc, Super Duper Orc… Ah, here we go, Ultima Orc! Kinda overpowered for where you’re going, but eeehhh, anything to get you the fuck out of my sight. So what do you say?

You shook your head vigorously. “No thank you,” you squeaked.

God did a facepalm and let out a long sigh. “Fuck this,” he said, “See ya never, Mr. Ultima Orc.”

A hole instantly opened up under your feet and you fell…